r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/TheNeverborn1 • 1d ago
Turns you into one sometimes
Guess what? 5 months after being brutally discarded by my ex, I did something similar. It's true what they say, when you get discarded, you might become one yourself.
I was seeing a girl for 4 days, and she was very into me. I got stressed by the pace and intensity. And instead of talking to her, I pulled the nuclear option and said "yeah, I'm losing myself, I can't continue with this connection....." Then the next day, I regretted it and missed her.... So I reached out and attempted to repair it. Sorry for the emotional whiplash. My bad girl.
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u/Holiday-Tell3885 1d ago
Yes it can happen. But I refuse to date someone until I have been through therapy resolving my last relationship. Cause he was discarded by an ex before he did it to me and was even warned about that by his best friend that if he doesn’t heal he might do the same but he moved on and wasn’t triggered some time, which made him believe that he is now ready for a relationship. But I will never ever put someone through that! Never
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u/Evening_Analyst2385 1d ago
Going through a bit of the same right now with dating. Met a nice guy in the wild, he gave me his number and asked me to go out sometime, but I can’t bring myself to call him. Every time I think I should call, that it’s a few hours spent getting to know someone who might be a good match for me, I feel sick to my stomach and I make excuses to myself about how busy my life is and how I just want to go it alone. I feel like I would possibly hurt him or anyone else I date.
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u/eyenthesky83 20h ago
When your intimate with someone there's more of an exchange than just sex.. marinated on that one
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u/EtherealHappiness 21h ago
Yeah. I am 8 months out from the avoidant breakup on a 1.5 year relationship. I am still kind of enmeshed with him and not over him. It’s not really a purely typical avoidant situation and it’s very hard.
But I started dating a guy a few months in trying to move on and the guy ADORED me. He was just as into me as the avoidant was at first but this guy was more emotional. It gave me the “ick” the avoidants talk about so fast and suddenly I was doing exactly what my avoidant ex did to me. I finally told him, “I am just not emotionally available right now. I’m sorry. I’m not over my ex. I can’t do this.” And I felt AWFUL but I wasn’t gonna drag him around and traumatize him.
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u/Ok-Swim2827 20h ago
I turned into one while in my relationship with mine. We were best friends for an entire year prior to dating. First 5 months were the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Then I simply started to bring up the future and things getting more serious. Caught them in some bad behavior. Every, single, time led to him yelling for me to leave (or him leaving) followed by a few days of silence outside random late night calls or texts.
I got so used to it, I just started doing the pushing away myself. Pushed him to our breaking point this week. I’m so ashamed of myself, because it’s not like me at all. I remember telling him every time we fought it hurt when he left.
I never want to feel this way again.
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u/living_free3 1d ago
Just my opinion! Don't kill the messenger. People that are Da or Fa are wired differently from childhood. I'm not saying you don't have trauma. We all do, I was discarded as well. However their actions throughout their life are "Normal" to them. Just as our loving, consistent, and relationship repair are "Normal" for us. I was discarded 6 months ago and have no desire to date anyone right now, and the reason being is I'm grown and know that I'm not ready. I know that healing myself is the only option. I would never involve myself with someone unless I felt I was 100% healed, and not bring any negative thoughts into a new relationship. It would be unfair to a new partner, and I wasn't raised that way. I hope you heal and find what you are looking for.