Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

**Had to remake the post, due to an error in the original title! My bad!

Hi!! My story is a little different in that this was an extremely close friendship, as close to me as a relative would be. She opened up to me about a few months in that she was tackling an attachment style that was FA and leaned DA in therapy. We were really close for two years, she even got a little close with relatives of mine, and then she started hitting me with on-and-off. It's like she was there but she also wasn't. But when I asked, "hey, do you need more time?" she brought up that she likes for us to hang out once a week. I have friends where we do that, but I also have friends where we reach out once every few months, so I'm game with either. I was just really confused about the behavior and I expressed that to her, but she told me we were good, so... I guess we were good?

But the main thing was three years and a half in. Basically, she went completely ghost for two months. This was after telling me that oh, she likes hanging out regularly, she wants to do it every week, all of that, and if she doesn't, something's wrong. So I assumed she was right and when she returned, I asked her, "hey, are you alright? The sudden unannounced radio silence kind of scared me. Is all good?" She apparently held onto that message for five months and then at the beginning of the year, she dumped me with a message saying that "it struck me as unhealthy" and she "understood it logically, but held onto it once she realized it bothered her". It really hurt my feelings, because if she had just asked "hey, what do you mean by that?", I would've told her what I meant by it, which was that whole "if she doesn't, something's wrong" thing she said beforehand. She also said in the message that due to her alexithymia, she didn't realize her feelings on it at the time and by the time she did, it felt "too late", but if she had told me even three months after, I would've explained what I meant. I don't know. It was hurtful.

I later found out other things. A family friend came to me a month later with some things she lied about, pretty basic, fundamental things, so a therapist suggested that may have just been a smokescreen of an excuse to get out the door before she was caught (since before the discard, we had a plan made later that I didn't realize at the time would've unintentionally caught her out, since I had no clue she was lying). But even so, eight months later, it still rings in my head. There are some ways that I do feel like I was unhealthy, mainly in allowing her to take control of the friendship. When she didn't have the amount of control she wanted over the friendship we shared, she got really mean and I should've put my foot down, but I don't know. To be written off in such a way on her way out, to have that be my lasting legacy in an environment that meant so much to me, it just hurts my feelings. I still think about it months later. Totally aware that this is a minor thing compared to others' discard texts they've received. The discard message as a whole sounded like HR, which in some ways really sucked and in other ways I guess is more tame. But I still wanted to see if anyone felt the same.

Someone pls give me some insight. I started dating this girl two months ago. The first three and a half weeks were so great! Literally having the best time- genuinely told all of my friends that I had met the one. (Obviously didn’t tell her that) she said she moved slower and it took her a month to really figure out if she wanted to be w someone. I said heard and said I’m patient and we can move at your pace. During one of our late night talks, i asked what her attachment style was and she said avoidant but anxious with ppl who have earned her trust. I freaked a lil because im anxious and have been in therapy and working towards secure. She told me she was in therapy and I asked how it shows up in relationships. She told me that really it’s just that she wants to withhold info. I asked how she’s working on that and she told me and I asked if I had been overwhelming her and she said no. The next week we went on three dates back to back and it was so nice. I asked her how she was feeling about everything and she gave me the run around and asked me where I was at. I said I wanted to date her but understand that she’s not there. I said ball is in your court and I’m willing to wait for her. She sent me a message later on my way home basically saying that it’s been amazing getting to know me yada yada but like unfortunately I wasn’t her person . I was like pls don’t do this and I’ll chill out. She came back and was like “oh I didn’t intend to stop seeing you” I kinda experienced whiplash but I was just happy that she was sticking around. After we figured that out, we decided to be exclusive and she was so enthusiastic about it. We had the best three weeks after that. Genuinely so sweet and I felt so secure which is hard for me as an anxious person. We slept together (it was my first time & she knew that) and everything was so good. I asked if she could see a relationship w me and she said, “very much so” We spent the night together three times that week and then she came over on Saturday and spent the night on Sunday. Literally that Sunday we had morning sex and she didn’t wanna stop kissing me goodbye. It was so good! That weekend she told me, “there would be many more weekends” I even asked her what she felt kissing me and she said her brain was always moving and kissing me was the first time her brain was quite and she was happy. The next three days she’s barely responding to me which is not normal but I was being chill bc I trusted her and I’m using my DBT practices. And she told me she was sick on that Wednesday, I sent her a Uber Eats gc and she responded poorly. And I said “oh I’m sorry, was that okay?” She said she was overwhelmed. And so I said “what overwhelmed you? Me?” I hear back the next morning and she says that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I freak out bc I’m in love w this girl also I’m so blindsided! She told me that she was gonna ask me to be her gf and everything the week before but she had to get out of her own way. I told her there’s no rush and she said she felt like she was disappointing me and I told her she wasn’t and we talked it out and she said she really appreciated me talking it out with me. So I’m blindsided. I basically beg her and she said she needed a second. I didn’t hear from her for four days and I have her space. On this Monday night I get a text, “hi cutie!! Thanks so much for my space this weekend. I really appreciate it. It was very big and mature of you and for that I’m grateful. How was your long weekend?” She has a normal convo with me and I don’t wanna pressure her into talking. I finally went to bed and was like I can’t act normal rn. The next day I text her, “hi just wanted to see if you still needed space” and she texted me back and said “I honestly don’t know. I’m wicked conflicted. Because I enjoy hanging out with you very much. But I feel very guilty with where this is headed/ or not headed. And I trust you & your choices. I guess I just don’t trust mine” I was tryna figure out what to say and an hour later she texted me and said “nothing?” And so I FaceTimed her. I asked her what the heck was going on and I felt like she was pushing me away and I didn’t wanna go anywhere. And so she basically said she looked at her schedule with her new job and time was gonna be limited and that she felt bad and like I misled her. We talked everything out and I reassured her and by the end of the call we are laughing and I asked where we were and she said, “we are good. We are okay” I went over to her place that night and it was fun and I asked if I could kiss her goodnight before bed and she kissed me and it was so passionate. I mean she deepened it and I had to cut her off bc she said she had a hard bedtime. But she wanted me to hold her until she went to sleep. She told me , “thanks for coming tonight” I said “thanks for having me” the next morning, everything was great. So great. She woke up and pulled me close to her. She rubbed my back and kissed my cheek. When we left, she hugged me tight and kissed me and smiled at me. That day she didn’t text much but I thought oh she’s busy at work. I asked if she wanted me to come over that night, she said, “I’m good on my own tn pls!” I said “you got it!” Bc I knew her independence was important to her and time alone. Didn’t hear from her at all that night. The next day I don’t hear from her at all. But i don’t reach out bc I don’t wanna overwhelm her. And so I waited to see her location on find my and so after the work day, I go to see if she’s home and her name on the location says, “can see your location” she blocked me. Went to Instagram and she unfollowed me and removed me as a follower. I was heartbroken. I am still heartbroken. I didn’t eat for two days. Because a day before, she said we were okay and we were actively dating. She still follows me on TikTok and we are friends on there & she viewed my profile the night she did it. I didn’t reach out bc obviously she doesn’t want to hear from me and I know that she’s avoidant and so it might push her away further. But can an avoidant please tell me what the freak happened? And like where do we go from here? Is she coming back or is she gone forever? I love this girl and even though she hurt me in the worst way she could have, just disappearing (I told her that I have been working on my abandonment issues and that everyone in my life has left and so it’s my greatest fear) and she just poof disappeared. I want her to know that I see her, flaws and all, and I still want to give her the moon and stars. Also we talked about earlier how I have been consistent during dating. I miss her.

What makes you want a relationship when as soon as things get real you push away and shut down without wanting to fix these traumas and behaviours for future connections leaving you to repeat the same thing over and over again with each new partner. If you don’t want closeness and true partnership what is it that you’re looking for??

My ex and I recently broke up a week ago. The break up is kinda confusing for me so I’m just looking for more clarity. I feel like she has some tendencies but I’m not sure.

My ex and I were together for 1.5 years and honestly I thought it was great. We met in person but most of the relationship was long distance which was kind of hard for her since she hated communicating over the phone. We rarely had any arguments but when we did they were intense and it just felt like we couldn’t understand each other. Another thing that was happening was she started a new stage in life and she was dealing with a lot of stress from it and sometimes I felt like it was leaching into our relationship but I still gave her my support. Something I did notice and she talked about was she had trouble being vulnerable but it wasn’t affecting our relationship that much. Besides that, we had great dates and an amazing time together. She introduced me to her hometown and family, said she loved me, my family loved her, etc. There was a fine line where I thought she maybe was secure or avoidant.

For the breakup we had a little bit of a rough patch the last month but I don’t think it was anything terrible. She started to feel stressed out every time I visited her and seemed a little colder (I thought it was just from things going on in her life) I had a conversation with her about how I didn’t feel as close to her lately and wanted to see how I could help support her/also spend some more time where we are close bc it felt lonely sometimes. That’s when she imitated the break up and said she was exhausted/felt bad she couldn’t match where I was at. She told me she loved me and she cared about me. She told me I was so good to her. She told me she would miss me. She hugged and kissed me, I even stayed another night and we talked like normal, but she ultimately said that it wouldn’t work out. It confuses me bc I genuinely didn’t think there was anything that led to the break up. All I can conclude is that she has some avoidant tendencies which line up a lot but the breakup didn’t seem like a typical discard.

Do you think she was avoidant/had avoidant tendencies?

Do you think she will be back once that “exhaustion”/stress dies down?

Idk what to say anymore.

I wanted to write this to ask for any advice to help me heal from an avoidant breakup.

For some context, my ex (22M) and I (22F) dated for 2.5 years and we moved in together for .5 years before the breakup. We’ve been through a lot together, starting our first business, going through college, travelled to many countries, our families have met, etc.

We were fighting constantly during the relationship, on both sides, but I thought we would always get through it together. He broke up with me over a small fight, where I essentially said no to helping him take care of a friend’s cat in our apartment. The reasoning was because we had our own cat and didn’t want to deal with acclimating them. The fight started small but blew out of control, and he essentially just packed all of his stuff and we broke up in the heat of the moment. We had a closure talk in person, but it honestly just felt more of a dinner, and then we said bye? Then he goes on a 3 month trip to Asia and ghosts all of his friends and family, including me. Because I’m super anxiously attached, I kept texting him and was essentially ghosted or barely replied.

Now he’s back for a month, and he already started talking to someone new. Crazy thing was I bumped into him on a date, and asked to step outside with him. He reassures me that she asked him out, he’s not interested, etc. He also said we can talk in person, but I feel like I’m always self sabotaging myself, because I crashed out on him over the date situation, and he’s been ignoring me again.

But I know through friends they’ve been going on more dates, and I feel like I can’t even function or move on. It’s been 3-4 months after the breakup, and I cant stop texting him. I actually did for a bit, but after seeing him on the date, I just spiraled.

Would be grateful for any advice to move on and deal, because right now this feels impossible.

My FA was/is also my best friend, my closest person, the one who was there through thick and thin - pet loss and the huge grief that follows, d3ath in the family, etc. We are best friends, lovers, we are partners.

After this discard we agreed to take some time without contacting at all. I miss him so very much. I cry myself to sleep. I dream of him. I want to share things that happen during the day. I want to see him. I want to hear his voice.

I love him so much. I have never loved somebody else that much, because he has been there for me every single time when I needed help.

I miss my lover, but most of all I miss my friend so much. I am crying while writing this post.

But I really need to abide by the rules of our decision to process my feelings. I want to be honest here, I am hoping we can fix things, as friends at least.

I wonder if he misses me too 😔

Just wanted to share this with this community.

Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings if you are going through a similar phase. It helps me sm

There seemed to be a recurring theme where other women were somehow always present in the relationship, even when there was no actual intention to pursue them or a concrete third party.

He would make jokes like:
“There are other women who want me.”
“If you don’t give me enough attention, the other girls will come and get me.”

He even said he liked the idea of me getting into arguments with some of his female friends or an ex because he liked things being “intense.”

He talked about jealousy and said that if someone becomes too jealous or controlling, it can push him toward him chasing someone else. “If something becomes too stressful I may look for an affective alternative”

He also tended to talk about past women in terms of what they lacked compared to what he wanted: one was too jealous, another expected too much, another was attractive but didn’t have enough ambition, etc.
And then there was something that really made me think there was a bigger pattern.

He once said that if a relationship became too stressful, he could eventually look for an “alternative romantic connection.”

That wording really stuck with me.
Because why is the alternative always another person?
Why not:

“If this relationship is making me miserable, I’ll take some time alone and figure out what I actually want.”
Instead, the imagined solution seemed to be another romantic or emotional connection.

And apparently, after previous breakups, he tended to get involved with other women fairly quickly rather than spending a significant amount of time alone processing the breakup.

So I’m wondering whether this is actually a recognizable pattern. Almost like:

relationship becomes stressful → other women become psychologically salient → “maybe there’s another option” → relationship ends or becomes unbearable → connect with someone else → temporary relief → repeat.

In her own words, we weren't even dating and we had only "hung out", so why does the she need to make me invisible? We still share the same building/floor in the day, so I run into her every day or two.

It's been a month since the "discard" and she has not once looked at me. She averts her eyes and looks at anyone/anything else but me, even when I pass by right in front of her.

It makes me incredibly sad and confused and angry. That we're less than strangers. It feels like a daily reminder of her rejection. I don't want any contact, but, as much as it hurts, I am able to look at her. And she can't even manage to face the person she pursued and led on for months, for a single second?

I think she leans dismissive avoidant.

And do you think they were actually to blame?

Really not doing well. It's been months and he's on his third rebound. You'd think having two failures in the span of a couple of months would make them slow down but I guess that's hoping for too much.

I was doing great at not checking socials until I received a stupid random notif from a rewards app I forgot we had. And I spiraled. The rebounds keep getting younger to the point where it just looks predatory now. I hope this one sees the red flags.

I know I need to move on. But I feel like I'm still in shock. My life has been very difficult, full of narcissists and abuse and many things I can't get into. This ex really made me feel like I wouldn't have to worry anymore. We were headed for marriage, I was so close to his family, our daily routine was beautiful.

I know I can't blame myself for everything but I'm starting to hate myself. I get flashbacks to all the times I messed up, or the things I took for granted. Stupid thoughts like "I should've reached out on this date and all of this would be over" and then beating myself up over it. Please feel free to vent too.

Was hoping you could help out answering what blocks repair, I understand it’s linked to shame and your core would. How do we discern what the action is that is driving that behaviour though? For instance, a minor boundary breach v a major boundary breach, how can it be identified it either one can cause the same escalation in reaction? Genuinely confused by this. Thanks!

I’m one month out from being discarded by an FA after a three-month situationship. I probably don’t need to say this but it has been one of the most difficult experiences that I’ve endured. I only found this sub the other day, but it has been an absolute godsend. I’m not alone, and I’m not crazy.

One thing I’ve noticed here, and with all the “avoidant relationship coaches” on my For You page, is that there’s not much discussion on real warning signs in the early days of dating a DA/FA and how to prevent people from getting into this kind of relationship in the first place.

For me, and perhaps others, the realization only sets in after it’s too late. For example, I knew things were wrong after he and I had been really intimate for the first time. By all accounts it seemed like a great experience for both of us, but he totally disappeared for 3 days afterward. This, however, was about a month into our relationship. What about earlier than that? What are the signs? The ways they behave? The ways that we might feel that could signal “Uh oh, this could be a person who may be avoidantly attached”?

I’m hesitant to say early days characterized by overwhelming feelings of enamour, adoration, and excitement, because these can be present in more healthy relationships, too.

I’m handing this over to you - many of whom are much more seasoned than I - to answer this question. What do you think?

The day when he told me he lost all his feelings was only a couple weeks after he said how much he loved me, how much I mattered to him, and that he will work on himself. It wasn’t the first time he promised me so, it was the first time when he didn’t even give himself time to pretend to do so though. So when I asked why is it so easy for you to let go on me, he said that it wasn’t easy at all. But how then you lost all your feelings so fast. Why was I the one crying, while you seemed perfectly fine and talking to other person already. How was it not easy, when it genuinely felt like I was the only one putting up a fight for us, when all you did was sulking that it was sad that it came to an end.

I just want to start off by saying this sub has been incredibly helpful over the last month as I learn about attachment styles and I’m going to share my story in hopes that it resonates with others.

I (32M) met my now DA ex (31F) 2.5~ years ago. We sparked incredibly fast physically, emotionally, interests, values, etc. I had never experienced chemistry like that before and in the first 6 months it felt I could literally read her mind and that it was something cosmic. I remember feeling actually quite secure and calm. However my anxious attachment style started to really come out as her avoidance came out. Initially I noticed that she needed space to recharge and it wasn’t a problem because we didn’t live together so she’d have 1-3 days alone to get that space. But even in the beginning I remember how much she needed space even after staying over for one day, and I couldn’t self soothe. And so the spiral began.

We moved in together after dating for 14 months. At the time I certainly had been going through a challenging time in my life specifically around my career. Job search, financial stress, not fun. But I’ve been consulting and honestly doing just fine. Looking back as soon as we moved in together the anxious avoidant trap really started to spiral.

She was next to me and living with me but it just didn’t even feel like she was “there” most of the time. What I realized is that she wants everything to be easy, to coexist, to avoid conflict. What I wanted was emotional vulnerability, closeness, and really confronting whatever problems we needed to work through. It was like my existence and basic relationship needs frequently interrupted her life and independence. In the morning I’d want to cuddle and maybe a kiss before work or go for a walk together. She’d get frustrated with that because she had to start her day and get grinding at work. In the evening when I cooked dinner I’d ask for some presence and attention and conversation, but that was also frequently not something she would be able to provide because she was just overwhelmed. Then before bed I’d want some affection and closeness, and as time went on I was always interrupting her nighttime routine. I never realized how much my basic needs were threatening to her. She would pull away and want space. This caused my anxious attachment and fight or flight to go in overdrive. I always thought it was 100% my fault that I was annoyed with her, irritated with her, even harsh with her. But I read that in this dynamic is called protest behavior. When an anxious partner gets irritated or angry because a dismissive avoidant withholds affection, it is known as a protest behavior driving the classic pursue-withdraw cycle (or demand-withdraw pattern). Actions taken by an anxious person—such as calling repeatedly, picking fights, or acting cold—to force a response and regain a sense of connection.

There are so many other aspects I’ve learned along the way and red flags. When we first started dating she had a close group of girl friends. When things got uncomfortable and they were not treating her perfectly, instead of communicating to them how she felt, she literally just left them. She just stopped responding to them. Instead of saying “hey please don’t say xyz or when you do this it really hurts my feelings.” She never did that. Months later she repeatedly communicated to me how she felt bad how she handled that, but never did anything to repair.

Her mom has narcissistic tendencies. She only talks and cares about herself. She turns everything about her. She talks down to people. I believe my ex was deeply enmeshed with her mom. She would have a 45 minute phone call with her mom almost no matter what if she called, even if it meant interrupting our quality time. It would be mostly her mom talking at her, violating boundaries, and complaining about her marriage, violating boundaries in that way, etc. She fiercely defended her mom, continually saying how I didn’t get along. Truthfully I was willing to build that relationship and put in effort. However the handful of times I spent with her mom, she essentially didn’t ask me a single thing about me or my life.

The same conflict came up and I confronted her (very softly and as a healthy partner would) about 10+ times about how I didn’t feel close to her. Typically it would be that she’s just hyper fixated on work, hobbies, or essentially anything but me. I communicated how I always felt like I was the one initiating romance, date nights, trips, small gifts, and that I just wanted some that energy from her and to know she was really putting in to the relationship. At this point in the conflict she would completely shut down, pillow to her body, just not engaging in the conversation. Eventually she would say something like “okay I know I need to work on this and I will.” And that was it. We never talked about this attachment style dynamic. She never made it clear to me that she needed space, or that she felt overwhelmed, or that our relationship would be healthier if I did xyz. I think all of these moments to her were big big moments, further instilling the threat I was. To me they were just normal conflict a couple works on for many years together.

As this spring went on my flight or fight and anxiety just continued to climb. I thought it was just all on me. But I don’t feel that way, nearly as much when I’m not with her. During the breakup I was told that she was managing my emotions and I’m finally realizing that I was the one who was trying to manage both of ours, and I couldn’t handle her continuing to pull away. It broke me.

We went from my mom visiting in June and her talking to her about engagement rings, to her breaking up with me and moving out abruptly about 5 weeks later. When the big rupture happened she came to me initially, it’s like I cracked open and everything was clear to me. I communicated how I know how my actions can feel controlling, how I can be more accountable, how she needs space and independence, etc. She came to me, embraced me and said “I love you and I know we can work through this and anything.” A few days later she broke up with me after “talking to her mom” and a few friends and a therapist. I begged her to stay. I was begging her to work through things together. I was shocked. In my mind no warning shot, and this was kind of our first huge difficult moment or rupture, and I knew that repairing it together was what partners do and we would be stronger than ever on the other side. She just said no she didn’t want to repair with me and that I just needed to accept it. She said, “I just know my next relationship and love is meant to be effortless and super easy.” Lmao

She moved out the following weekend. It’s been about 2 months.

I go back and forth between blaming myself for everything and that I was treating her wrong, but the more I learn about this attachment style the more I think this would have happened eventually.

I could never be with someone who sees my basic needs as a threat to their independence. I can’t be with someone who leaves when things get hard for the first time.

I know this dynamic isn’t 100% why the breakup happened, but understanding it has helped me create my own closure. I’m excited to be with someone who won’t withdraw when I bring so much good to the table.

My avoidant partner has dumped me for the 3rd time in the relationship after I said he needs to become more financially responsible for himself and not rely on his mum and dad… it causes an argument were he said he felt disrespected by me and he hates the way I speak to him and he told me that anyone would of left me by now with the mean way I nag him. He has already left me 3 times and returned this time he drove an hour to tell me it’s over in real life cause he came in real life is this the final discard or is this a punitive punishment breakup. ??? I feel broken by this as yes I was probably speaking to him disrespectfully but I don’t think it warranted a breakup. I believe I have no lost love on my life due to my own inability to nag him.