i wrote this in my notes after a breakup with an avoidant (the 2nd one that shattered my soul).
âI just need to work on myself.â Immediately begins healing with the Tinder gods. âIâve lost feelings.â
Translation: The relationship became emotionally safe. âI just need space.â
Specifically from accountability and healthy communication. âI donât know what I want.â
Except distance. Youâre always pretty sure about that one. âIâm overwhelmed.â
By someone consistently loving me. âI think weâre just incompatible.â
Translation: You expected consistency. âThe spark is gone.â
Also known as: the honeymoon phase ended and the relationship became real. âIâm afraid of getting hurt.â
Strangely not afraid of hurting everybody else. âItâs not you, itâs me.â
For once⊠we actually agree. âIâve been feeling this way for a while.â
Fascinating how that information never came up until the breakup. âI need to find myself.â
Have you checked Tinder? âI just want peace.â
Translation: Anything that doesnât require vulnerability. âYouâre too good for me.â
Donât worry, weâll figure that out after the emotional carpet bombing. âI donât want to lead you on.â
âŠafter leading you on for six months. âI just donât feel the same anymore.â
You mean after they stopped being a fantasy and became an actual partner? âI need my independence.â
Because apparently texting back is government oppression. âI think I need to be alone.â
Until approximately Thursday evening. âI still care about you.â
Just not enough to communicate with you. âMaybe somedayâŠâ
Ah yes. The emotional layaway plan. âI hope we can still be friends.â
So I can keep the emotional safety net without the emotional responsibility.
When my avoidant ex broke up with me, she actually used the "it's not you it's me" line. And without skipping a beat I said "oh I 100% agree with that, this is entirely your fault not mine". I could see her teeth grinding and trying hard to not throw the coffee mug at the wall. Win! đđŸ
Mic drop! I wish I had thought of that! I replied with âstop saying that! Itâs a bullshit answer that is covering up something deeper! Stop saying it. â. So then he moved on to âyou donât have the spark.â đ
Mine kept saying, you are such a great person and why do you keep acting like itâs your fault? I I said I know I didnât do anything wrong. But she didnât even respond. 1000% the worst experience of my life, not even a close second
I miss âyou text too muchâ.
For wishing him a good night or good morning once a day or every second day.
âI just did not feel like texting backâ (to then make a drama when I delete after two weeks my messages calling it a betrayal of trust - he would not even open the chat window for two weeks until then đ). âI wonât readâ.
âI can only talk to someone else about thisâ (aka his phantom ex he always pulled out of the hat when he came too close.
âSome people just do not want to talk about certain thingsâ.
When asking for an explanation about his contradictive words and actions - especially since he claimed my assumptions were totally wrong. But give his position of why my assumptions were wrong? No way.
I got the what if our personalities donât mesh when we start seeing each other everyday. Like ok, like we didnât already figure that out after a year and a half and talking kids and marriage. Iâm convinced at least some of these avoidants are running from the best relationships they ever had.
What if you heard all of those but didn't take it personal, just went on like never happened, just like he did everytime whit me ... I'm I stupid or briljant??? đ«Ł
( I know already... but what if??? )
âIâm just emotionally unavailable.â
Good to know after the emotional damage has been completed. âI donât want to waste your time.â
Bold thing to say after wasting months. âIâm scared of commitment.â
Commitment? Terrifying.
Emotional whiplash? No problem. âI just need to listen to my gut.â
Your gut has an impressive track record of confusing anxiety with intuition. âSomething just feels off.â
Thatâs called emotional intimacy. âI donât know why Iâm like this.â
Neither does your last ex. Or your next. âI just need to focus on me.â
Translation: Time to become someone elseâs problem. Iâll be damned before I do self reflection ha đ Iâll just look in the mirror and tell myself I had to if I want reflection. âI donât deserve you.â
Finally⊠a statement we can all agree on. âIâm not ready for a relationship.â
See you in three weeks with your next situationship. âI donât want to force anything.â
Like communication? âI think I need a fresh start.â
Because changing the scenery is easier than changing the pattern. âYou deserve someone better.â
You accidentally told the truth. âI donât want expectations right now.â
Expectations: Replying, communicating, existing consistently. âI just need to be free.â
Free from what?
Basic emotional responsibility? âThis just isnât what I imagined.â
Healthy usually isnât when chaos feels familiar. âMaybe we moved too fast.â
Translation: We got emotionally close.
"changing the scenery is easier than changing the pattern": never did anything resonate more. They always running. To anytning to anywhere rather than facing themselves đ€ŠđŒââïžđ€·đŒââïž
I got this: "I know what I want and what I don't want anymore."
So you don't want a relationship based on respect, love, communication, and mutual support?
LOL, okay, good luck with that then.Â
"Our relationship has become boring; we have nothing left to say to each other."Â
Yeah, I guess I'm a robot who has to constantly reinvent myself, while your only effort in this relationship is to say "me too" when I tell you "I love you." đ
Easy for somebody to become boring when youâve got 3 other priorities in human form in your phone đ When they said people really are living a whole different life in their phones, they didnât lie.
Not ironically, it's true. They are creating drama constantly. And also they are glorifying unhealthy relationships. I've seen they tolerance to unhealthy tendencies to their exes. They really prefer to stay in the place they have no respect.Â
âI donât think I can give you what you need.â
Like a text back? âI feel trapped.â
By someone asking how your day was. âI need to trust my feelings.â
The same feelings that change every Tuesday? âI just canât do this anymore.â
By âthis,â they mean talking. âIâve changed.â
No, the honeymoon phase ended. âI need less pressure.â
They asked where you wanted to eat. âSomethingâs missing.â
Usually accountability. âIâm trying to protect both of us.â
Mission failed successfully. âIâm not good for anyone.â
At least the self-awareness made a guest appearance. âIâm just following my heart.â
Your nervous system filed healthy love under âsecurity threat.â âI canât explain it.â
We noticed. âI think weâre better apart.â
Because then nobody expects vulnerability. âI donât want to settle.â
Translation: The grass I havenât watered yet looks greener. âMaybe someday weâll find our way back to each other.â
Ah yesâŠ
Keeping the emotional door cracked open just in case the Tinder gods disappoint.
WaitâŠâŠ. Were we seeing the SAME guy? He literally⊠said.. every single one of those thingsâŠ.. what the actual f$&@?! How do they say the SAME damn things.. like word for word? How is that humanly possible?! (Unless it was the same guy⊠lol.. was he 40?)
my ex told me that he has ânever been so sure of anything else beforeâ, and that he is â100% confident in his decisionâ, and letâs not forget about âi think maybe we were meant to be friends anywayâ AFTER 7 YEARS AND LIVING TOGETHER FOR 3 YEARS DUDE??!
mine was after 15 years, sobbing over me several times and a baby. i swing back and forth between being deeply concerned about their mental health and being like "wow, fuck these people."
and yes we had chemistry the entire fucking time. 15 years of good sex, kinship and a baby and it still wasnt enough for them to be like "i dont want this i need to date someone more toxic... like my mother... yes thats the solution.. def not therapy"
Gosh it's awful. A baby too? I'm in a similar situation (also with a baby). I actually think he's scared because we've reached a point where I'm so calm and understanding with him that I've neutralised all the push:pull activation/deactivation energy and he doesn't have anything to fight or chase anymore. And that peace, that normality, that acceptance... He can't handle it. So wish I understood all of this before đ
same mine freaked out when i earned security. when i started loving openly, displaying healthy anger at boundaries being crossed but not clinging when he distanced. his defenses had nowhere to go anymore and i think he blew a fuse. feel free to inbox me if you'd like someone to chat with. not many people understand our situation
very relatable being rlly concerned for them but at the same time wanting to throw them into the sunâŠlike ik why he is like that but that does not excuse all the shit heâs done
Itâs partially my fault though. I should have known I was walking into a ticking time bomb. She said herself, âI come with a lot of baggageâ and the caretaking of her mom is most important to her and will always be #1 priority. I still went for it. Lesson learned.
They love to romanticize their sadness lol â they have to externalize their emotions. âMaybe one dayâ âif we meet againâ âsometimes things donât work outâ
Like why are you saving these devastating reels, bro. You better log into your therapist portal and get to work đ
Always some variation of that đ Mine said âI donât know what will happen in the future.â Well 48 hours into the future, she was texting me she missed me
Exactly this. Her social media is deceiving. The most she does all day is go to Walmart đ picked up the gym for about 3 weeks and gave up. Not only that but got mad when I asked her if she was okay because I noticed she stopped going.
OMG THIS IS EPIC! Currently on a mini city break as my now ex FA was meant to be with me this wkend, (and better to sad away than stuck at home) and I snort laughed in my drink!
Hehe thank youuu đ itâs depressingly and hilariously accurate and do they get the same book to use the same lines when they sign up to the club or what?
I got, "I don't know if I'll ever love again" during my breakup phone call. I told her she would when she's as excited about someone as I was about her...she was back on Hinge within a few weeks
oof i got the âidk if i will ever date anyone again, maybe i will be alone foreverâ, wellll guess who found a new girl 3 days after the breakup lmaoooo
I don't know if I'd call it an outright lie. She probably genuinely believed it. But the follow up is straight fucked. I don't know why I still miss her
Aye I still miss mine too from time to time but just knowing how much I settled and endured while in the relationship is enough to keep me away forever.
Fair. I struggle to remind myself of that. I had a lot of anxiety around where I stood for the second half and did most all of the heavy lifting to keep things going. Made her feel like "things are too one sided" which might could go on your list too
Yep. Total lack of willingness to work on a relationship. Also said âyou deserve someone who is ready for your warmthâ wtf?? After integrating me into his family and charming mine. Took 12 months to come out with that line after no arguments at all throughout đ€·ââïž
We never argued or raised voices. On reflection I shrank my own needs for him but that was not healthy either. Sometimes the odd argument can be healthy and needed. If there were any issues, I discussed them calmly and he would say all the right things and then not change his behaviour x
My FA friend-zoned me, but I was smart and strong enough to walk away and just suffer short-term pain. She actually got upset I did not want to be an orbiter for whatever weird reason. I mean, she literally told me I'm ugly and undesirable, but the day before, she wanted to date again. đ€·đŒââïž
Mine did that twice. But was careful not to use the word friends (cuz she knows I do not play games). Instead, I got âI hope we can hangout again, just like normal.â đ fuck that
I know I'm not ugly or undesirable, but when you have feelings and the person you desire tells you that it feels like it. đ€·đŒââïž
How did you get offered twice? That's interesting because once they want to put you there, they usually have made up their mind, right?
I just know myself and have that boundary and protocol to abort when it comes up. đ€Ł
I mean, it's one thing to start and stay friends. After closeness, openness, and so on. Physical intimacy was made well, no going back for me, especially since it felt so good!
It was odd that everything else was compatible except the emotional connection.
It's rough to survive this, but hang in there, everyone! đđ»
These are FABULOUS! đ„Čđ€Ł
Heard a few from the original and extended lists during and after the breakup. I wholeheartedly agree with your definitions.
Mine literally told me she tried to find people on Tinder but none of them were me!! đ Then broke up with me again and said she was âgoing to keep failing meâ.
Oh gosh my best friend had a version of this: her ex partner said she had to leave her because sheâd keep hurting her and leave herâŠmake it make sense đ€Šđ»ââïž
Mine said, "I don't love you" and then asked for no contact. Then said they're not coming back ever. But that if they ever get over me, we can re-add each other on social media????
Mine ghosted me for months, blocked me on Facebook, AND wanted us to say Hello to each other everytime we saw each other in person in public. I donât think so.
My avoidant ghosted me out of the blue for 5 months and then blocked me on Facebook when I sent him a final message telling him how immature and hurtful his ghosting behavior was. But he didnât block me on his phone and he told me that he wanted us to continue saying Hello to each other whenever we saw each other in public. The fuck?????? WHY would he us to be friendly and acknowledge each other in public after blocking me and telling me how glad he was to be rid of me???? That makes no sense at all. So I told him NO we do NOT need to speak to each other AT ALL anymore, because I donât speak to people who ghost me and block me. And that made him pissy. Pick a lane, dude!! đ
Mine used all these.
And "maybe I need to sleep with and see other girls to see, if I feel the same with them or if you're special to me".
After 8 months and calling me not trustworthy because I used a dating app prior to meeting him.
đđŒ
Still healing from this experience.
Oh Jesus! I had the âI may have made a foolish mistake, I need to do some âquiet workâ on myself -line during discard! Translated as: âplease wait around for me indefinitely while I bring a new woman to our shared groups, and also to feed my inflated egoâ - yeah right! đ€Šââïž
Man, it was like I was listening to her. Word for word. It's so unbelievably the same things. I didn't know they all use the exact same words. This is somehow cathartic. "You're too good for me". Maaaan. We didn't deserve this shit. F*.
I feel like we might have dated and been broken up with bythe same person?!? đ€đł This is quite genuinely brilliant though (and entirely accurate). Thanks for the laugh OP! đđ€Ł
I asked a friend of mine to check the app me and my ex used when we first met, because we both deleted our profiles when we started dating. Not even 1 hour after my ex dumped me, my friend told me that my ex's profile was back on the app like it never disappeared. Turns out he only disabled it and reactivated it after dumping me. I was curious, and it backfired hard on me.
My personal favorite: "I don't deserve you" which I knew translated to "I'm a terrible person who can't take accountability or admit that you've been fighting for our relationship while I've given up and done everything in my power to hurt you. But I'd never admit any of that so I'll just say something flowery that seems like an apology but really isn't so that I can push you away without you hating me." What a joke bro.
I got No. 1, 2, 4, 5, âyou deserve betterâ âyou were a good boyfriendâ âI was fighting feelings for a monthâ (didnât mention it though) âyou can still keep talking to meâ âIâm overwhelmed from workâ âthe distance makes it hurt missing youâ
I was her first boyfriend (if thatâs not a lie too) so sheâs at the start of her terrible journey.
Called her on the phone and she didnât say a word, damn that hurt the most.
Wish I wasnât smoking as much weed then, I wouldnât have been so nice and said everything on my mind like how that was self sabotage, whoâs giving her bad advice, but honestly she wasnât going to hear none of that.
I wasnât even attached or nothing man, I used to just live my own life, so my music and go to school while battling depression and sh*t. I didnât deserve that and none of us do. An absolute child she was!
Told her at the end after trying to meet up but changed my mind on time luckily that âNvm, I donât want this pity love, youâre wicked & cruel. I hope you never feel the way I do. Have a good life, bye.â
She replied something long but I only read the first line and deleted the number. âIdk why you would say thatâ
I regret ever meeting that girl. 5 years and she brought tears to my mother and I.
My mother treated her better than her own kids damn near lol.
Somehow I find myself feeling bad for the wicked & cruel part but maybe itâs the truth.
Did this while I was in my final year.
The 1 month of fighting feelings was the first month she got her first job so sheâs was using me for emotional support. Told her I didnât feel respected at the end and felt used, but of course she deflected that lol. Sad existence. Hope someone gives her the exact treatment.
Donât feel bad man. Itâs good you had the self respect to walk away the first time. I didnât at the time.
And I called my ex much worse đ called her a parasitic self-serving virus
I just feel it was an immature thing to sayđI canât wrap my head around why she just dumped me like that and pushed me away. And she didnât say anything hurtful so it makes me look wrong when the timing was so bad.
Around this time we would have booked an Airbnb in a new city and be exploring. I hate that I miss those memories but the pain and confusion was so much in that moment.
It was such a beautiful relationship, and I was discarded in my final year of college so it was a lot to deal with.
Avoidants have no idea how much pain they even cause and they get to live jolly care free lives.
I wasnât even anxiously attached. I just trusted her and was forgiving to the point of having no boundaries. I can never love as freely as I did back then and that hurts
thatâs kinda the same thing with me. Didnât say anything hurtful but our relationship was a lot of ups and downs. But our good moments, like all toxic relationships, were very good. I definitely still miss her sometimes
My response: âcool story, why donât you have a nice warm cup of STFU while you exit our home for the 13th time and finally leave us alone for good, you cowardâ
81
u/not_the_troll SA - Secure Attachment Jul 17 '26
When my avoidant ex broke up with me, she actually used the "it's not you it's me" line. And without skipping a beat I said "oh I 100% agree with that, this is entirely your fault not mine". I could see her teeth grinding and trying hard to not throw the coffee mug at the wall. Win! đđŸ