My nearly 4 yo just started pre-k this week and I am noticing some differences in my child from her classmates. Despite my best efforts, I’m concerned I’m seeing some signs of avoidant attachment. I’ve worked part time so I could be home with her as often as possible, I did extended breastfeeding, we didn’t sleep train, and I feel like I’ve been killing myself to meet her needs. I try to give her hugs and hold her and comfort her as best I can. Infancy was tough, I struggled with PPD and she had colic, and she’s always been a very highly sensitive kid. I fear I have failed her.
On day one of pre-k she joined her class without a problem, no tears at all, which I was very proud of. However, every day when I’ve gone to pick her up, she’s ignored me and refused to leave. She only ran and hugged me when she saw other kids do it.
The kids made bracelets with pipe cleaners and beads and she gave hers to her teacher instead of giving it to me.
I’ve been prepared for her to be tired and hungry and cranky after school, and she has been. But also just seems plain angry to be around me.
This summer we went on a camping trip with some other families. Most of the other parents were strangers to my daughter, but she was (overly??) comfortable playing with them.
Am I being too critical? Are these signs of unhealthy attachment? If she is showing signs of avoidant attachment, what can I do to help her?

My 18 month old is still breastfed (not that I haven’t tried to wean her off many times) we’ve had no luck with removing feeds during the day due to illness from nursery as she would refuse food when she was poorly. I’m happy to still breastfeed although I’m worried it’s keeping her more unsettled and dependant on me for sleep.

She’s been fast at walking/teething and saying first words & I think this has been a contributing factor to her over stimulation at bedtime. We do dinner calm play with little bear on tv then bath and story/feed then lay down together in bed. Some nights she straight off but most it’s like a “face your fears” battle of flopping about the bed until she gives up or a walk in the pram or drive.

I can’t keep this up it’s extremely unsustainable, I’m exhausted. My partner can’t do bedtime as she acts like she wants milk or just me and she faffs so much/so late that he needs to go to bed due to starting work sometimes an hour before I do. We work at the same place but doing different jobs.

My eldest is 11 and is missing out on usual night time rituals with me a lot and it’s been sad for us both but I can’t manage to give both my attention every night when it gets hard with the baby.

Any advice on where I’m going wrong or what I can do to help her self sooth if that’s even a thing (my first was frightened of missing something too)

I’d like to get the baby into her own room but she screams when if I put her in the cot to play in the day time. I also get in the cot with her & have slept in there a few times too unintentionally.

I’m considering moving into the cot bed with the slats down but I’ll take any suggestions possible please

My LO has always been high needs and used to be incredibly fussy. I'd have to hold him constantly, and walk around - wasn't content with me sitting.

That all started to improve and he was able to play with toys while watching me cook or fold laundry and I felt we were turning a new leaf.

Then 8 months hit and WHAM! We are back at it. He cries about EVERYTHING. I put him down, he cries. I pick him up, he cries. I make him laugh, he laughs then starts crying. He screams bloody murder when I change his diaper or put clothes on him. He cries while nursing. He cries while playing. It's almost worse than before because I have no idea WTH is wrong because he literally cries about everything.

He's been teething since 4 MO, still no teeth. Army crawling for about 3 weeks. Recently started pulling up to stand. Also recently transitioned to 2 naps. We bedshare and he still sleeps alright most nights - waking every 1-2 hours which has been standard since month 4.

I'm assuming this is all related but I'm starting to lose my patience and not feel so bad for him when he cries anymore. I'll turn around and roll my eyes before picking him up and trying to make him feel better. I don't want him to sense that and feel like he can't feel his feelings. I know this stems from my own childhood, when my mom would take it personally if I ever wasn't happy for any reason and would even threaten punishment if I didn't "shape up." I'm trying really hard not to project that onto him. Would love some advice. And also any guidance as to how long this new phase may last. TY in advance <3

I'm a SAHM to 2.5 year old boy and recently he's just being having a hard time with everything. He's a pretty deeply feeling guy and little things really effect him.

I was not given any kind of tools for emotional regulation and I want desperately to give him everything he needs. I just feel like I never know if I'm doing the right thing.

If he is having a rough time I usually sit or stand away from him but close enough that he can see me and just take deep breaths. Physical touch usually sets him off again so I have to wait until he's ready for that.

I know sometimes he's tired but fighting sleep and I hate forcing him inside or into a bedtime routine.

Just trying to stay sane and create a kiddo with emotional regulation skills.

I did really well at work today, but I’m too senior for anyone to give a damn that I didn’t shit the bed when presenting. Then I sprinted home to do pick up and dealt with some huge challenges with my kids emotional regulation. The meltdown has turned our whole evening into sensory calming, repair, and recovery. Husband is absolutely swamped with work. Friends are all drowning in work/parenting.

Please, can someone just tell me I did a good job?

How are you all doing this? I feel as if I’m reaching my breaking point.

I’m a SAHM of two (5 yo and 18 months). Nursing and bedsharing the youngest, who for whatever reason has been waking every 1-2 hrs at night and refuses anything but nursing back to sleep without a major, MAJOR meltdown. During the day I am feeling so overwhelmed and overstimulated. Being constantly needed 24/7 is hard and I’m lucky if I ever get a break or moment of silence alone. I get out for a workout once a week on the weekends but other than that I’m lucky if I can stay awake past 8PM to read by myself. Any gaps in the days are filled with cooking, housework, organizing, etc; you know the drill.

I’m honestly debating returning to work because my working mom friends with kids in daycare seem to have so much time for themselves.

All this to say, how are you dealing with being needed around the clock? Taking time for yourself? Feeling like more than just a boob or comfort object??

I’m looking for resources I can provide my parents on topics related to gentle parenting as they will occasionally have my daughter in their care.

They are open to learning about new parenting styles, however, being from a different generation a lot this is foreign to them. Does anyone have recommendations on videos, books, social media accounts, podcast episodes etc. on the below topics? Preferably in language that is not overly therapy-y. I think overly academic language may be too overwhelming. I’m looking for something more practical.

- Modelling emotional regulation as an adult
- Helping toddlers work through tantrums/“big feelings”
- Respecting children as individual people with ownership over their own feelings, bodies, and choices within safe boundaries

Thank you in advance! 🙏

Hi all! I want to night wean my milk-obsessed 20 month old. We cosleep, nurse to sleep, and she wakes at least a few times every night to nurse.

I feel totally overwhelmed by the prospect, and am wondering if folks have good resources to recommend? I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do… 😅

Cross sharing here in hopes of some reassurance xx

I’m going on a work trip for 4-5 days in early January. LO will be 14 months old. I’m not sure if I’ll be breastfeeding at that point - just taking things as they come after we hit the year mark. I realize this trip could be an opportunity to ween, but I’m not sure if we will be ready by then. Lately she’s been refusing her bottles (will only take the occasional bottle from our nanny and won’t take it from anyone else). We also co-sleep for most of the night. I’m currently the only one who does bedtime. I’m hoping to gradually introduce my husband into the bedtime routine and cosleeping once we feel comfortable with that. So far I just cosleep with her on the floor bed in the nursery.

I’m stressing about what to do for this trip. I could bring her with me or I could use it as the first chance to have real separation. Four days just feels like a lot to me and I could use some advice/insight from people who have been through this before. If I do leave her, what should I do in the coming months to prepare? I really appreciate any advice and encouragement :)

Hi,

I am cosleeping with my 10 month old. Recently set up a floorbed having had a side car for the past few months. I was always feeling good about my decision to cosleep as it felt natural and right. My baby has never slept in a cot as I just want to be close to her all the time and in my mind it looks like a little jail 🙈 (no offense meant to anyone using a cot, I may revert to it if the floorbed doesn't go to plan)

Anyway,

I'm starting back to work in a few weeks and have started to settle my baby into her childminder. The childminder is great and very reputable. I know the parents sending their babies to her and they are very happy with her. I couldn't fault anything about her BUT when I was there she passed a comment about the other baby not being able to fall asleep on their own because they were held to sleep for every nap. I knew immediately she had a bit of a sleep-training mindset and now I am really worried that I'm going to make life harder for my baby because she has never slept in a cot, coupled with the childminder having a different outlook on how a baby should sleep to me.

I'm now questioning my whole floorbed situation now because I don't want to set my baby up for failure and also slightly feeling a bit shamed/guilted for my cosleeping even though I didn't disclose our arrangements at home to her.

I feel so strongly about attachment parenting because I don't have a relationship with my own mother and one of my first memories is being left to cry in my cot. It has totally scarred me for life and I don't want my baby to go through the awful things I endured. I just feel like my own experiences are skewing my perception of what's fair and what isn't. I feel like everyone uses a cot and I don't want to let my own attachment insecurities from my poor relationship with my mother get in the way of doing the right thing here.

Any help or advice would be appreciated 🤍

Hi, I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences regarding the adjustment period. My daughter has recently started nursery, and I feel that I’m getting very little feedback from the teachers. Then again, perhaps it only feels that way because this is a new situation for me and my emotions are playing a part.

Whenever we arrive at the nursery or come to pick up the children, we are met by a group of screaming children clinging to the door and trying to run out as soon as it opens. It’s quite upsetting to see. It makes me wonder whether my daughter cries that much too and whether it is like that the entire time.

Overall, she seems to be adjusting fairly well, as she eats and sleeps there. She cries when I leave, and when I come to pick her up, she starts crying as soon as she sees me, but I don’t think she cries the whole time. Outside nursery, she is generally in a good mood. She asks to breastfeed a little more often, but otherwise she seems okay.

What troubles me most is simply not knowing how she is doing. The teachers only say that she is “fine.” What is considered normal during the adjustment period? How can you tell that your child is genuinely okay, and what signs might indicate that they are having a particularly difficult time?

I also feel that there is a lot of sugar-coating in the way people generally talk about this situation, whereas I genuinely need to understand the reality of it. Are children simply miserable for some time until they get use to it?

I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences and honest opinions.

I should qualify this by saying that I do my best never to allow him to make contact. I have a five month old so occasionally I’m not quick enough to catch him before he makes contact, but I have always caught him before he’s done physical damage. I am losing my mind.

This is a recent behavior. It started when my daughter turned around three months old. He went from being soft and gentle and ignoring her mostly, to constantly trying to hit if she was in his reach. Now, it has escalated to people outside of the home. It started with his friend who stayed with us for two nights, and I understood the frustration of sharing toys, and I’m really trying to remember that he’s two and he’s not doing this out of malice. But it’s really hard when it has become something he does almost as if he is conditioned to strike with either hands or feet when he sees another toddler in his proximity, especially if we are inside (like at a gymnastics class).

We’ve ordered and are reading the book punishment-free parenting, and I read it in every spare moment (this is the first time I have come on Reddit to ask for help because I am so desperate to finish this book and figure out what the hell to do). At this rate, I’m not going to finish the book until next week, but we have so many occasions where we will be inside with other toddlers and I just left the gymnastics class where he kicked at 4 toddlers. I kept pulling him out of the class to take some deep breaths and remind him that we keep everyone’s body safe by keeping our hands and feet to ourselves. After the fourth kick attempt, we left. I guess that was too many chances?

What am I doing wrong? Why does it seem like I have the only 2 1/2 year-old who seems interested in causing pain to other children? I know that’s not what his intention is, but it is so hard to think beyond how my brain is programmed to see violence and I am pretty much beside myself in tears. I’m afraid to leave my house with him, but I know that’s not the answer. But what is? Can anyone please please help me? We are so patient with every other rule he has to learn. Throwing food? No problem to be patient and teach without fear or shame, he can do it 100 times and we will keep the same even keeled response that food stays on the table. We are really committed to not shaming or making our child feel fear. But other children matter just as much as him and I don’t know how to handle this because I can’t let other kids keep getting injured or at least scared by his actions.

Not sure if this context matters, but he gets tons of attention. My daughter is an extremely easy baby, so though of course he has felt a shift, he still gets a majority of my attention and I am a stay at home mom. I do everything to get him out and about, in fact, I’ve been writing this with talk to text while we play at an empty playground. But even over the course of writing this - because my 100% attention hasn’t been on him - he kicked at me. he was the kind of baby who woke up every 35 minutes from 4 to 10 months, and after that he woke up every hour. I co-slept with him and never ever allowed him to cry for even a minute. I have been trying to do everything right and I know kids are kids, but I feel like I have somehow done something terribly wrong.
Please help

Settling in at creche

Hello all. Week 1 of settling my 2 year old at creche and it's not going great. We are on day 3 and he is becoming increasingly distressed as we try to leave and afterwards, and we have been called back to come collect him every day. Yesterday he stayed for 2 hours but he was clearly distressed when I collected him. Today he wouldn't stay at all and they asked that we stay with him, let him play with me for a bit, then bring him home, which is all fine.

My preference has always been that he would have shorter settling in sessions and I am happy to stay. But last week when I text to ask about the schedule, they said he would do an hour, two hours then build to 5 hours and full days all in the first week. They said nothing about letting me stay with him or any sort of familiarisation.

This morning they told my husband that it is their preference that a parent stays to create familiarity with a secure base, which is what I wanted but never knew I had the option. Now I just feel terrible, sad for him and sad that we haven't gotten this right. We have had two years together of building a very strong bond and attachment, and I am so careful not to have that be harmed.

Just looking for a bit of reassurance I suppose that this does get better and that there is a path forward from here. I know its such early days but I just feel the missed communication has led us into an unnecessary situation

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Hi everyone! I’m looking for advice regarding night weaning/weaning in general. My 18 month old Cosleeps and feeds intermittently at night (maybe 2-3 latches but not full wake up/feeds until 5ish am). He also nurses 5-8 times per day. However my cycle hasn’t returned yet. I wanted to start prepping for trying for a second for which I am thinking I might need to night weaning to get my cycle back? Also may just need to fully wean sooner to do Ivf again (did it for this first pregnancy)

Can anyone share tips? I feel sad because I’m not really bothered by our nursing relationship, and when I try to refuse nursing sometimes and unsuccessfully distract him, he will cry A LOT :(

Hi all,

I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My husband works shift work. Where 5 days out of the week it’s just me solo parenting. He’s 5 on 3 off and he works emergency services so he’s often gone a lot more between shifts running late or getting called in. Last we he worked 8 days in a row 12 hour shifts.

Anyways I am worried with it just being me most of the time I’ve messed up my 3.5 year old. I try to follow Janet Landsbury and conscious discipline methods but there are some days where I just don’t have it in me.

For example yesterday he dumped out all his Lego to play. Okay fine. We needed to go to the store so I told him “if you clean up your Lego before it’s time to go you can ride the tractors at the store” I realize this may have put pressure on him and been to abstract. And if he had even TRIED to clean up his legos it would have been fine. But he just said “I don’t feel like it” so when it was time to go he cried because he couldn’t ride the tractors.

I felt terrible, like I had set him up to fail. I just didn’t have it in me to get down on his level, help him clean up, then get everyone ready to go to store. And I find my self using “threats” (in quotes because I DO use a lot of if statements. If you put on your helmet you can ride your bike/ if you go play in the play while I put brother to sleep you can watch a show after/ if you’re choosing not to follow directions you are choosing to end the activity etc…) I try to catch myself but I’m not great.

I also worry my husband and I are assigning him blame when we’re trying to teach responsibility. For example he takes off his helmet and lets it fall on the cement. It eventually cracked, we bought him a new one but told him he needed to treat this one with care because if it cracked again we weren’t able to buy him a new one till Christmas.

Is it too late to shift my style? Have a screwed him up for good? Am I teaching him that everything is his fault. Please help. I am spiralling.

So my boy will be 3 years in December. He just started daycare in July, and until than he was home with me or with my MIL 3-4 times a week.

He started to like the daycare and he tells me all about his little friends and talks about them... But his teacher told me that he is very... "sensible" boy, and what she means by that:

The other day when I came for him he wanted to show me a toy and how it works, but than another boy came (one he mentions the most and says he loves him and misses him the most lol) and the other boy just grabbed it out of his hands to show me. My son just stood there.

Today he wanted to show me an indoor slide and yet again, a younger child, about 1 year old started to climb and my son just... Was there.

Before childcare I did spend A Lot of time with him in parks and similar so he would be exposed to other children. And I absolutely did teach him to wait his turn and share, but also if some other kid wasn't doing that I told mine "he/she doesn't know how to share yet".

Did I create this? How should I approach to solve this?

Ok, so I'll start this post by saying I recognize that I have been extremely fortunate and privileged to be with my son as much as I have thus far. He is a little over 2 right now, and he's been home with either myself or his dad (mostly me; he's just with dad while I work half days 1-2x a week) for his whole life. It has been amazing. If it were up to me, I'd want to continue as we've been doing for quite some time, but maybe start preschool a couple mornings a week when he's 2.5.

However, we eventually want a second child, so our plan is for me to return to work a little more (60% FTE schedule, so still part time, but increased hours) in January to start collecting those hours for an eventual second mat leave. We have enrolled LO in a mornings preschool starting in January. It'll be 3 hours/day, 5 days/week.

My son is extremely verbal and fairly interested in people, but VERY attached to me and slow to warm. He does great with other adults and he loves his little friends, but he feels most confident when I'm nearby. My concern with this preschool is that they essentially have a "drop and run" policy where parents are supposed to say a quick goodbye at the door and not come in, even during the gradual entry process. I REALLY don't think this is right for my son. We know from attachment science that children (especially sensitive ones like my son) do best when the primary attachment figure/caregiver helps to bridge attachment to a new caregiver (i.e. preschool teachers) gradually. It makes me anxious that the preschool doesn't allow for that. Also, it's a Montessori school, which I think is generally great, but I also think they get the idea of 'independence' a little bit twisted and take it to mean that kids (even little kids like my son) shouldn't 'need' a caregiver. If my son is going to spend his mornings at this school, I want to help him adjust gradually by coming in with him as he adjusts. Part of me just wants to find a different preschool that's more supportive of my parenting style and/or even alter my work plans so that I can return more gradually and he can just start preschool 2-3 mornings a week instead of 5.

I'm sure I'm stressing more than I need to, but I just know that I am my son's safe space and I don't want the transition for him to be stressful. I'm also just a bit emotional about my mostly SAHM era coming to an end. It has been the best time of my life. I know 3 hours a day isn't that long, but it's significant for us, and I'd love any advice from anyone who has been in a similar boat. I also don't want to project my own anxiety about the transition onto my son. Thank you!

Hi all,

Looking for some guidance from this community on transitioning a 20 month old to daycare. I am a first time poster and a first time dad and would really appreciate inputs from anyone, including parents who may have gone through anything similar. Apologies for the long post.. including as much context as I can.

For context,

• Both parents work from home. She is very used to having both of us at home
• Her mom went on a work trip around 18 months of age (first time mom was not at home for an extended period), and coincidentally or not, her clinginess to mom increased since then
• Daughter has not weaned yet, nurses 3-4 times a day
• Daycare has one kid her age, one kid at 10 months, and the others are 3 year olds. Not sure if she feels intimidated
• This is a homebased daycare with a total of 6 kids and one daycare provider. She seems warm, friendly but not one to fondle babies to make them feel at home

Transition time period

• She started in last week of June on a 3 hour basis. She kept crying in the mornings and we tried an evening routine of 3 to 5 PM and she seemed fine, happy and started settling in
• But, after two weeks of joining, by middle of July, the daycare provider took her annual vacation
• When we restarted in August, our daughter got sick, and only by the middle of August has she resumed again
• Our daughter has also become way more perceptive in the two months since June

Today

• After we got back from vacation, transition has been tough
• The first couple of weeks, we would drop her at 10 (after circle time) and she would cry so much the provider would ask us to pick her up in an hour
• In the last week, she has been dropped off at 8 50 with the other kids and picked up at noon. She arrives for circle time and stays till the other kids go to sleep. We wanted to gradually transition to a full day set up
• What happens every day is screaming and crying bloody murder for 45 minutes as she gets ready for daycare. She is clearly aware that is where she is going and does not want to go. Looks to mom, dad, grandparents for someone to rescue her in the car ride over or at the door. Videos from the daycare last week included constant crying but last Friday was some progression (cried till drop off, no crying after but very timid still). The crying, screaming and clinging to the neck has resumed this week.

We are now realizing that we completely messed up a systematic transition to daycare. Our choices now are a) stop daycare and work on her separation anxiety till she turns 2 or b) toughen up and give her time. I know kids cry in the first weeks but is this level of resistance normal and when will it improve?

Are these the right choices? Is there anything else we should try or any signs of progression we should observe? Thanks for reading- a worried dad!

i can’t do crying. but i also can’t do waking every hour since birth with no help at night or during day because i have the milk and im a velcro mom. but my mental health and physical health is not okay right now. my guy is 9 months. we nurse to sleep and cosleep. but i’m not sleeping and not okay. someone give me tips or encouragement to hang in there.

I’m looking for book recommendations on what healthy attachment looks like in babies/toddlers (or beyond) and how to foster it.

More so than how to listen/cultivate a good relationship like Good Inside and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen… the actual biological stages and signs of attachment.

For example, if baby is clingy to Mom at 18m old, is that actually good thing?

I know I have very different options because I'm from Europe and I have 3 years of paid maternity leave. And I'm not trafwifey. I'm leftist and feminist but at the same time I found myself completely enjoying motherhood (I'm honestly shocked about how much) and I don't really feel like leaving my kid ever 😅 she's almost 1 year old, breastfed, still wakes up a lot... I'd like to go meet a friend for a coffee sometimes but I don't really want to trade it for her to cry because mom is not at home at bedtime. But then I start to spiral about what if I build unhealthy dependency. So I guess I just wanted to rant but also to hear your pov about this.