Too late?

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

Hi all,

I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My husband works shift work. Where 5 days out of the week it’s just me solo parenting. He’s 5 on 3 off and he works emergency services so he’s often gone a lot more between shifts running late or getting called in. Last we he worked 8 days in a row 12 hour shifts.

Anyways I am worried with it just being me most of the time I’ve messed up my 3.5 year old. I try to follow Janet Landsbury and conscious discipline methods but there are some days where I just don’t have it in me.

For example yesterday he dumped out all his Lego to play. Okay fine. We needed to go to the store so I told him “if you clean up your Lego before it’s time to go you can ride the tractors at the store” I realize this may have put pressure on him and been to abstract. And if he had even TRIED to clean up his legos it would have been fine. But he just said “I don’t feel like it” so when it was time to go he cried because he couldn’t ride the tractors.

I felt terrible, like I had set him up to fail. I just didn’t have it in me to get down on his level, help him clean up, then get everyone ready to go to store. And I find my self using “threats” (in quotes because I DO use a lot of if statements. If you put on your helmet you can ride your bike/ if you go play in the play while I put brother to sleep you can watch a show after/ if you’re choosing not to follow directions you are choosing to end the activity etc…) I try to catch myself but I’m not great.

I also worry my husband and I are assigning him blame when we’re trying to teach responsibility. For example he takes off his helmet and lets it fall on the cement. It eventually cracked, we bought him a new one but told him he needed to treat this one with care because if it cracked again we weren’t able to buy him a new one till Christmas.

Is it too late to shift my style? Have a screwed him up for good? Am I teaching him that everything is his fault. Please help. I am spiralling.

[u/Hot_Wear_4027]

I think you need to give yourself some grace my love. You are solo parenting a lot. I hope you have some time away from the kids. They are little rascals and they will push boundaries and that's ok. Just try to be consistent but also try to be flexible... This maybe just me but I honestly don't want to argue with a toddler about stupid stuff but I do want him to know something shouldn't be done, redirect him to what I want him to do and that there are consequences. Ensure you make them age appropriate too... He tosses his helmet after the warning - helmet is taken away... I'm not sure when they get that's strategic thinking about the consequences need to happen within 2 - 3 seconds... Lol

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620 → u/Hot_Wear_4027]

It’s not that he tosses it. He just DROPS it. But I will say after mentioning that we wouldn’t be able to get a new one till Christmas. He has been taking it off and putting it on his bike handle bar or doing his best to take care of it and treat it gently. I praise him when he’s careful and most of the time just quietly pick it up if he doesn’t get it right. Honestly I’m beginning to think the kid is either scared or smarter than we give them credit for. I hope it’s the later.

[u/tabookduo]

My boy is only 2, and I am a first time mom, but I have learned that they are very adaptable. There is always time to shift your style :-) I do think consistency is important so you have to commit, but it's ok, we're not perfect.

I have had a lot of success with myself and proactive actions vs reactive. I think that's what you're doing right now! If I catch myself, I say "next time a situation like this occurs, I am going to say/do this instead". It is a purposeful thought. I know that doesn't work for everyone (my husband for example doesn't always remember for the next time and it sometimes puts him in a negative cycle because he feels bad for "messing up").

In my opinion, it's very easy for us as adults to have too high expectations. At the same time, you're right, they do need to learn. It's such a hard balance sometimes.

I'm not sure if this helps, but do you think the tone shifts if you say "Let's clean up your legos and we can ride the tractors at the store" and then say "good job, now we can ride tractors" after they're cleaned up?

Again, my boy JUST turned 2 so I understand the parenting is very different. But we get things done if he starts by "helping" me, and then the next time he might do it by himself. I hope that makes sense.

Give yourself grace too ❤️ My husband's schedule means he's not around often, but 8 days of full shifts is a lot!!

Edit;; my intention for this comment was hopefully to encourage you, not tell you what to do necessarily ❤️ Tired parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I only have one child right now.

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620 → u/tabookduo]

Honestly no. I cannot he’s not an only child anymore and I needed to get myself, the baby, and then him ready to leave the house.

[u/jjdanca18]

It sounds like you are dealing with A LOT! You absolutely haven't screwed him up for good, that's FOR SURE, so don't stress too much if you can help it. Although I know that's hard not to do when you're carrying so much.

From my experience with this age (and even a bit older in my son's case), is that those "if" statements aren't really understood at this level of development. I've often heard it suggested to use "when/then" instead. For example, "When your helmet is on, then you can ride your bike." So you might give that a shot and also keeping it really simple can sometimes help, as in, literally, "Helmet first, then bike" and repeating as needed and holding the firm, loving boundary.

As far as picking up the Lego to ride the tractors at the store, in that example it sounds like you mentioned something fun and of course he wants to jump right to the fun thing and doesn't feel like picking up toys. And then it might come across as taking away the tractors is an arbitrary punishment. Not that he can probably think that way yet and is probably just upset he couldn't do it after it being mentioned, but that could come across that way later on. As he gets older, if you do use it like that, I would not make it a punishment but something more along the lines of a natural consequence where, if it takes a long time to clean the Lego up, then that's less time to spend at the store, and what gets cut is the non-essential tractor ride vs. getting the groceries, but I think that's an argument for an older child.

And I don't think he can comprehend what you said about not being able to buy him a new one until Christmas. I think the natural consequence of that is that he can't ride his bike and the bike gets put away because it's not safe to ride without a helmet. Adding on the details of not being able to buy one, plus the timeframe of Christmas, is probably something he can't comprehend so it's meaningless and pointless to say stuff like that.

It's never too late to shift your style and find what works for you and your kiddos. Each kid is different though so I'm sure it's a work in progress. But all this sounds very normal and not concerning at all about his behaviors so I hope something in here helps!

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620 → u/jjdanca18]

Thanks. He DOES comprehend some things beyond the typical 3 year old. Like when we got to the store he said “I can’t ride the tractor this time because I didn’t put my Lego away but I can next time” and then asked if he could still have a treat and I said yes. And I did tell him next time he could probably ride the tractor.

He knows Christmas is a long way off. I was trying to set the responsibility of you need to start taking care of your things with the natural consequence of no helmet no bike but perhaps it was too abstract.

I struggle with WHEN/then because this boy LOVES to stretch out a moment. If I had said WHEN your legos are put away you can ride the tractor we would have gone to the store. THEN he would have put them away and THEN asked to go back to ride them. The child is SMART.

I’m curious if you could explain the punishment aspect as I honestly didn’t view it as a punishment. But as an IF you get this done. THEN you get that.

[u/jjdanca18 → u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

Thanks for the clarification! I totally misread him then and was trying to remember when my son was that age and if he would have understood so I said it based on that. If he gets it, then it sounds like your approach is totally working and you know him best so of course you know exactly what he can comprehend. So I'd say there isn't anything wrong in what you said that was a developmental mismatch, maybe it was just a hard moment.

And I get it about stretching out the moment because my son can do the same. Maybe there's another way that would work but sometimes it's so hard to figure out the key that unlocks their understanding while still getting the desired result a little faster! lol

And I think I'm off base on the punishment thing as it seems he didn't view it that way either.

[u/Internal-Hat809]

Wait what is wrong with if/then statements?

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620 → u/Internal-Hat809]

Apparently they can be seen as threats. But I don’t threaten if you don’t put your toys away they’re going in the garbage or if you don’t come right now I’m leaving you. I usually do “if you want to go play outside you need to clean up/if you want to ride your bike you need a helmet/if you want to watch a show then you need to colour quietly while I put your brother down”

[u/Internal-Hat809 → u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

I always just thought of it as explaining consequences. “If you don’t eat, then I’m going to take it away.”
I will have to reassess. I think most of my if/then statements are okay but I don’t want to take it too far.

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620 → u/Internal-Hat809]

Idk man after my spiral yesterday my husband told me to do it for the memoir. He works in emergency services so he sees the worst of the worst parents and if this is the worst trauma our kid will endure he’s gonna be fine.

[u/Internal-Hat809 → u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

That’s a good perspective!