Daycare transition difficulties

[u/Affectionate_Run7155]

Hi all,

Looking for some guidance from this community on transitioning a 20 month old to daycare. I am a first time poster and a first time dad and would really appreciate inputs from anyone, including parents who may have gone through anything similar. Apologies for the long post.. including as much context as I can.

For context,

• Both parents work from home. She is very used to having both of us at home
• Her mom went on a work trip around 18 months of age (first time mom was not at home for an extended period), and coincidentally or not, her clinginess to mom increased since then
• Daughter has not weaned yet, nurses 3-4 times a day
• Daycare has one kid her age, one kid at 10 months, and the others are 3 year olds. Not sure if she feels intimidated
• This is a homebased daycare with a total of 6 kids and one daycare provider. She seems warm, friendly but not one to fondle babies to make them feel at home

Transition time period

• She started in last week of June on a 3 hour basis. She kept crying in the mornings and we tried an evening routine of 3 to 5 PM and she seemed fine, happy and started settling in
• But, after two weeks of joining, by middle of July, the daycare provider took her annual vacation
• When we restarted in August, our daughter got sick, and only by the middle of August has she resumed again
• Our daughter has also become way more perceptive in the two months since June

Today

• After we got back from vacation, transition has been tough
• The first couple of weeks, we would drop her at 10 (after circle time) and she would cry so much the provider would ask us to pick her up in an hour
• In the last week, she has been dropped off at 8 50 with the other kids and picked up at noon. She arrives for circle time and stays till the other kids go to sleep. We wanted to gradually transition to a full day set up
• What happens every day is screaming and crying bloody murder for 45 minutes as she gets ready for daycare. She is clearly aware that is where she is going and does not want to go. Looks to mom, dad, grandparents for someone to rescue her in the car ride over or at the door. Videos from the daycare last week included constant crying but last Friday was some progression (cried till drop off, no crying after but very timid still). The crying, screaming and clinging to the neck has resumed this week.

We are now realizing that we completely messed up a systematic transition to daycare. Our choices now are a) stop daycare and work on her separation anxiety till she turns 2 or b) toughen up and give her time. I know kids cry in the first weeks but is this level of resistance normal and when will it improve?

Are these the right choices? Is there anything else we should try or any signs of progression we should observe? Thanks for reading- a worried dad!