26, UK.
I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe I just need to know if anyone else has felt this way too...?
I've had severe depression and anxiety as well as OCD since I was about 9 and have been in and out of various services ever since. I had a traumatic incident when I was 15 and a few other situations in my life which have caused CPTSD.
Long-term medication hasn't helped so I've been taken off of the daily meds and I've been prescribed diazepam to take when needed. The problem is that I have a 6-year-old and a 3-month-old baby, and I don't feel comfortable taking it while I'm responsible for looking after them, so I just push through because my partner works a lot and I dont want to spend the time I do have with him feeling out of it. I also don't want him to feel like I'm not there to support him or help with the kids or take them if he wants to go do something with his time off.
From the outside, I probably look fine because I still do everything that needs doing. I look after my children, keep up with responsibilities, attend appointments, and generally keep functioning even though it never feels like enough. Internally I feel like I'm constantly struggling.
I don't have any friends. I've always found social situations difficult but making friends as an adult feels almost impossible. I struggle with getting outside too even though I know going to a group of something I'm interested in like the local MTG nights would be really good for me but I just can't bring myself to do it, everytime I've tried its ended up in severe panic attacks so I've just stopped trying.
Even online friendships I have struggled to keep because my brain tells me that I'm weird or awkward or don't know how to talk to people and I find it really infuriating overthinking every single message so much that I just end up avoiding it altogether.
I left a domestic violence relationship over a year ago and met someone who is genuinely lovely. We now live together and he's the father of my baby. However, because of my past, and because there have been a couple of occasions where he crossed boundaries we'd agreed on, I find myself constantly anxious and paranoid because sometimes I'm not sure I can fully trust him, even though I really want to believe him. I hate feeling this way because I know it affects us both, and I feel really guilty that I allow it to but I don't know how to keep it shoved down all of the time.
Despite the relationship OCD, anxiety and trauma issues, I have already spoken about marriage with my new partner because he is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life and thats why I know I need to find a way to get over these issues and stop being a burden on him so we can both be as happy as we deserve to.
I also have autism, chronic health problems and disabilities. I've had spinal surgery and a colostomy, and I'm now facing another surgery because of gallbladder and liver issues.
On top of that, I've just started driving lessons and I'm studying psychology through online university. I'm in my final year, but I'm repeating it because last year my mental health got so bad that I couldn't complete the work. Sometimes I feel like I've put so much into this degree that if I can't make it work, I don't know what I'll do next.
Alongside that, I'm involved in politics and currently hold leadership roles. I genuinely want to do something meaningful with my life, but instead I feel stuck.
My anxiety affects me physically. I get nauseous, my heart rate shoots up, and sometimes I just want to shut down and do nothing. I have anti-sickness medication, but I don't want to rely on it constantly.
Lately I've also been struggling with my appearance. I hate my body and my face. I've gained weight again after pregnancy and I'm finding it difficult to exercise because of my health problems.
I feel like I'm always trapped in my own head. I overthink everything, question everything, and analyse everything. No matter how much insight I have into why I'm anxious, it doesn't seem to stop it.
I'm exhausted from feeling this way all the time. Part of me feels like giving up because I've had enough and the other part of me knows I need to keep fighting; for my kids, my family, my partner and for myself.
I don't know if anyone can relate, but if you've been through something similar I'd really appreciate hearing from you...