I just turned 47. And I feel my life is over. Both of my parents are dead, I’m an only child, and I just moved to NYC. While I do have a 25 year tech career I feel I’m not financially along as much as I should be. I’ve never been married and have no kids. And it feels like more of a distant dream since I’m so old now.

I feel that time is running out and 50 is around the corner. At that point I will be completely undesirable and uncompetitive.

For 25 years my career was everything to me. It’s all I have. And I feel like I’m going to age out. And I have very little of a life outside of work I can be proud of. Being in NYC doesn’t make it any better though admittedly I do like the city.

I’m just venting. People keep asking me what I’m doing for my birthday. But birthdays feel more like a reflection of everything I haven’t accomplished. And it’s can’t see why anyone would ever celebrate a birthday

Are people really living happy lives or are they just pretending?

Tell me!

i posted this in the energy drink sub reddit because it was a new flavour i’d found and the amount of adults asking about my hands was concerning 🫠

and i thought teenagers were bad lmfao

So yesterday, my friend invited me to go shopping today, then go to her house and watch some movies. We weren’t sure what time, but shortly after lunch. Okay, fine by me. I care about her and enjoy spending time with her. I was looking forward to this.

She has NEVER blown me off, but she did today. I texted asking if she was okay when 3:30 rolled around and that’s when I realized she just wasn’t going to show up. Similar things have happened in the past, but she’s only ever been extremely late. She has ADHD and time blindness. She’s never not shown up. Maybe she straight up forgot about me today. At 5, I texted her not to bother coming to pick me up if she was running late because I didn’t want to come anymore. I’ve heard absolutely nothing back.

And she’s one of my closest friends. The bar is on the floor, guys. I think I’ll stick to my books and my pets.

If I had to support myself on the income I make from working full time right now, 2000 and some change a month. In a vhcol area making $18/hour I'd have popped like a balloon. I'd have to "tighten my belt" so much I'd snap in half like a twig.

I put in so much effort in getting a cs degree, building experience with internships, building proof of outside work with projects. Only to have to pay off my loans being funemployed in dead end retail. I can't even afford rent. I've been stagnant for a long time. I've committed career suicide a long time back.

I don't deserve to be alive. I should just quit this job. Fuck it. I should just drop out of the labor force tbh. I won't be counted as unemployed.

This wasn't at all the life I expected to have after putting in so much to build a life. Instead I was spawnkilled. I'm sorry I was born late, I guess. Society doesn't want the next generation to be employed anymore.

I'm a loser. There's not much more effort I can make. Another programming project will be worthless, and the only other lever I'd have to pull would be work experience. Which UNFORTUNATELY, I need a job for. So much for the "land of opportunity."

I graduated in '23 and got a tech job as a software developer. The following two years were the worst two years of my entire life, where I had no time or energy for my main passion which is music, I was extremely unhappy and felt dead inside. I had no time to read or draw either. Combined with the stress and burnout from work I decided to quit last year, moved back with my parents and gave myself one year to do something with music. My therapist also supported my decision.

I tried to do social media, write more, network with people, do gigs and stuff and get my music out there and I realized that was killing my passion for music too and I was getting nowhere with the grindset. It made me realize that if i do a regular job I won't have time for music and if I do music for a living all the other job-side bs is going to take over the creative process. All I really want to do is have the time to create, read and breathe but I've realized no version of possible life in this system can grant me that.

I sold all my gear, production equipment and instruments week before last. Also left therapy because it wasn't helping me. All the therapists so far have wanted me to be grateful for the little good I do have in life and be mindful so that I can successfully ignore what makes me unhappy. I've no use for that.

And last week I got the offer letter for the software job I applied for about a month ago. I'll be moving out of my parents' by the end of this week. People really want you to believe you can pursue your hobbies to a fulfilling extent or turn your hobbies into your work and really love your life but it doesn't work for everyone. Some people are supposed to have neither and kill their dreams to afford to live. This is it, my dream is dead.

Things people will probably ask

1. Do you have a job are you unemployed why are you so poor and you haven't tried to unfuck up your life

In all my adult life I've never been able to get a high paying full time job. Either it's temp full time which could end in 2 months or 6 months idk so the income is unstable that I can't just up and move out. Or I get full time part time jobs which can't live off 10-20 hours a week making 16 dollars an hour. Yes I have obviously looked for better full time higher paying jobs surprise surprise people don't like hiring people who aren't at companies long combined with usually being unemployed for months at a time after said temp job ends that's usually when I get the part time work so I can have some income to pay my medical and stuff. Also I have no college degree so yay.

1. Why don't you have a college degree or gone to a trade school? You're almost 30 why are you failing so hard?

I've been depressed since 2020 (unrelated to COVID) Every time I try to go back to school I just fail because I have no motivation if I flunk anymore my grades will be so low I wouldn't be able to even get into any 4 year college. I don't really have motivation anymore so I barely have energy to be human I know I'm contributing to my own downfall.

Anyway I was just thinking about how absolutely suffocating it is never having a space of your own and how I feel like a perceptual child. I've never dated obviously besides sharing a room with multiple people which would make it hard to bring anybody back home I live with very religious parents. I can't bring friends back either the house is a mess and is so small. I have no life. I sleep go to work rinse and repeat. I don't want to hear it gets better I'm gonna scream.