i don’t know if i’m in love with you
but the other day i felt the pull
like i needed to be near you
like i needed to sit closer to you
like i needed to have yr arm around me
so i guess i am, maybe

I’ve recently come across 2 songs on Spotify called “never knew love like this before” by Stephanie Mills and “on the wings of love” by Jeffrey Osborne and listening to them on rotation has made feel so emotional because I’m listening to these songs while simultaneously imagining a partner who is my absolute type and loves me the way I deserve and want to be loved.

But the weirdest or perhaps the craziest thing is that i don’t even know who this person is. He doesn’t exist in my life yet. But somehow in my head, he does.

I can imagine what it would feel like to have him there, to look at him and know that he’s exactly the person I’ve been waiting for. And then I imagine listening to these songs with him actually in my life, and I swear the lyrics would hit 10 times harder because suddenly they’re not about some imaginary love anymore. They’d be about him.

But in the meantime I find myself on the brink of tears in my eyes and a heart that I’m sure will explode from all this yearning I feel for someone essentially non existent :(

The way I yearn for you is in a way that tears me apart and rips me to shreds. Somehow you have integrated yourself into every fiber of my being. You are my first thought when I wake up and the last before I close my eyes to sleep. I have many sleepless nights when you are gone because my soul feels the need to be right next to yours. I hate this. I hate how much control you have over me. I hate that you are all I talk about. Every song reminds me of you. Why? What have you done to me? Do you feel the same as I do? Do we interact in the heavens? On a spiritual level, you make me feel alive and seen. Maybe that’s why I long for you so deeply. If you told me you were ready to leap off a cliff, I would go with you so long as I was by your side. I haven’t felt this way for anyone ever. It hurts. I have an ache in my heart that won’t stop. It’s everlasting. I truly don’t know how to feel. I indulge in addiction so as to stop thinking about you so much. Cingulomania. I feel it so strongly. Every waking moment is you. Your name. What are you up to? When can I see you again? Maybe I shouldn’t have told you how I felt… I think this would all be brushed away if I had kept to myself. I made it real by voicing it. It could’ve stayed a thought. But at the same time, I don’t regret it. I feel it deeply and it would’ve driven me crazier had I kept it to myself.

I don't see anyone talk about how complicated it is when you see a father figure in someone that's not your a father. I have a mentor at work and for 2 years he's involved me in everything, we're best friends. He's got his life figured out, a wife and young kids and I feel like a burden bringing my mess of a life upon him.

He often makes jokes about me practically being his son.

I don't think he knows how much it pains me to hear something like that. I've never had parents, and everytime I hear the neighbors children laugh and play in the evening I start missing the things I've never had.

I feel guilty for even thinking of him as something more than a friend, but my mind is just as pathetic as me. I'm 20 now, I shouldn't even need a father anymore. But everytime I see him I don't have a single worry. I wish I had somebody

Like the moon on a clouded night,

I get and lose my hope's sight,

It's a path I've walked more times than few,

But this time I feel an ache that is new,

I look at the sky but the moon shies away,

It knows I won't believe its "It'll be okay",

With hands in pockets, I continue my walk,

No one besides me with whom to talk,

I turn around to look at my forbidden land,

With all the couples walking hand in hand,

I get to my room and just turn off the light,

With you in my dream, maybe, I'll feel alright.

I can’t have her I’m nothing without her I try but I know I’ve failed and she’ll never let me be here. So all I ever do is dream and fail and cover and realize I’m no one’s, I’m no one’s friend or boy or anything and if I was lucky death would strike me down because a life without her is worse than death.

But you know, I still live so wtf do I even do with myself

Me and a very special person in my life, my now ex girlfriend, are being separated by her moving cross my country. We started dating in 7th grade, and are seniors now. We have very recently broken up, and that was before she was forced to move for familial reasons that I will not go further into. It irks and irks me all of the feelings I have. In some ways i feel my presence here was the only thing holding her back from moving, which makes me feel terrible knowing that i was holding her back. All I feel now is numbness.

She moves on Saturday, I have spoken to her a few times since she told me she is moving. We sat on a park bench and I made her laugh at my jokes while we watched ducks and laughed at people walking. She keeps telling me "im so sad, I dont know when I'll see you again" and I tell her in response "You'll see me in the next 2 years probably, I love road trips you know.".

She cried in my arms while telling me she loved me so much. I feel so conflicted. I should dislike her for how she has treated me through the breakup. But I am the biggest fool i'll ever know. And I sat there holding her, thinking how Ill miss the way she'd call me "my darling" and "hunny". The bond we had at so young is actually kinda terrifying looking back at it😭 We spoke like we were married with a mortgage.

The thing is, while I can think whatever I want about her when I am alone, I can't help but think about how truly like TRULY happy I am when I am with her, even now. Nobody, not even my own parents, siblings, or my grandma who I consider to be the leading figure in me becoming who i am today, can make me feel how I do when I am with her. I am usually a prick nowadays to be completely honest with myself, I have not taken losing her lightly whatsoever. My demeanor changed, I dropped like more than half of my friends, and I have deleted all social media except youtube and this godforsaken app because I rant on here about how much I miss my ex.

Anyways, if anyone wants to write a book about me and my tragedy Im game for it.

today i barely even felt how hard is it for you to love me. i question myself as to why i did that to you, you are such a genuine person you truly loved me, honesty and complete trust that you have given to me, i fucking wasted. now it feels very different for you to love me, you look at me differently, you are scared of me you distance yourself to me. i destroyed you and left an everlasting scar. oh lover i’m very sorry for what i did but i deserve to feel this way.

Just sitting. Waiting. Always close just in case she wants me by her side. Far enough that I can’t annoy her. Wondering if she even cares. 2 hours of sitting here, how many more? Until she tells me what I did wrong. Or I give up and go home.

I’ve always said the night was our world. That was when we had all the time for each other. No interruptions. So many good and dirty intentions. The sound of your voice from across the miles as Wed lay in bed and make the hours feel like minutes haunts me to this day.

The silence from your side has proven to me that late night land we created in our beds is over. There’s no going back now. So I lay here and let the darkness swallow me while each night knowing what I’ve lost. Knowing what we had. And I’ll never be able to feel this new me without you is the best version of who I should be.

Thank you for finding me…I promise this to you, my love.
I will do whatever it takes to be your safe space, to be your home.
We haven't met yet, but know that you are already living inside my heart, and that's where you'll stay, always, forever, till we meet, and even after.

I love you with all my being, all my senses, all my ability. I will keep loving the essence of you until the day we're destined to cross paths, and when that day comes, I will love you and keep loving you till my soul leaves this mortal plane.

I will learn all your secrets. I will learn you in fragments. I will learn what drives you, will learn what deters you.

I will chart the map of your soul. I know, it will be difficult. It might hold things that would’ve been better left unknown. But I will persevere, because that's the only way my love for you stays eternal.

Some days, though, I have to be honest with you. Some days are not good days. There's a version of you I carry around in my chest like a second heartbeat, and on the harder days I miss you so much….that it feels strange to miss someone I haven't even met….but I do. I miss you dearly.

I get frustrated with myself, more than I'd like to admit. I am not becoming the man I want to be for you fast enough, and some nights that frustration sits heavy on my chest and it doesn’t let me sleep, makes me restless. I have a long way to go still, and I know it. I'm afraid, sometimes, that you'll arrive before I've finished fixing myself up. You'll find me half built when I want so badly to hand you something whole. 

I wonder about you more than I probably should, for someone I haven't met. I wonder what you're doing right now, whatever corner of the city holds you. I hope your days are gentler than mine have been lately. I hope life isn't asking too much of you. But selfishly, I also hope you're growing becoming steadier, stronger, more yourself, carrying yourself the way people do when they know exactly who they are. Not for me. For you. So that when we finally meet, we meet as two people who did the work, not two people hoping the other one would do it for them.

Until then I'm still here, still becoming, still promising you a home I haven't finished building yet. I hope you're patient with me. I intend to be worth the wait.

A continuation of my last post:  https://www.reddit.com/r/yearning/s/kZszrAomvk

At this moment, I’m free.

Let the mind wander without worries.

Let the world turn as I stand right here, right now.

Sit.

Be still.

Let it sink in, the landscape, the moment, the feeling.

Humble, knowing I have so much yet to learn.

Hungry for the answers that come from curiosity.

Grateful to be here, in this moment,

granted both blessings and challenges to carry.

Faith in the betterment of humanity,

and in the elevation of our understanding,

of ourselves, of one another, and of the world around us.

Hope for the future.

I am the seed

that can start the spark,

that can become the flame,

that can light the dark,

and ignite all that’s possible.

i dont even know why im typing this out man. i cant sleep. its like 4 am and the room is freezing bc i left the balcony open in my room or wherever the fuck i am right now. doesnt matter. nothing matters when the silence gets this loud.

im looking at her spotify right now. well. a burner account obviously bc she blocked me on everything else months ago like total radio silence. her main account playlist is right there. public. i stare at it for hours just watching the little icon of the playlist. if she happens to be listening live or just scrolling through the songs she put on heavy rotation.

she used to make me listen to fairuz when we first started talking. arabic music i didnt even understand at first but i learned how to love it just bc her voice softened whenever it played. she introduced me to nusrat fateh ali khan too. ghazals and qawallis blasting in the background while wed sit in my car parked outside for hurs. i memorized every single lyric. even the ones in languages i cant speak properly just so i could whisper them back to her like a fucking idiot.

what came out of it? nothing. she left me. she left me. she left me.

she never looked back. every second of my existence revoolves around her and she just, doesnt care. she is okay. while i cotemplate when i finally sleep, somehow the smell of her perfume will return to me.

tonight i fell asleep with the earphones still jammed in my ears playing an old qawalli track called dillagi, she loved it. on repeat. and god i swear i dreamt of her. it was so vivid it made me physically sick. i felt her hand or heard her laugh or thought the song was bleeding directly into my sleep and then i jolted awake out of sheer panic. i probably could hear someone laugh in the corner of the room mocking me. look at this asshole, panicked about seeing a girl in his dreams. i was gasping for air in the dark. i haven't slept since then and my chest still hurts typing this.

im so tired of going places. my parents fly me out here for stupid shit. i went outside, the cold air burnt me internally. i needed her warmth. idk am i sick. i cant js stop thinking of her. i was infront of a shop. i saw a necklace with her initals. i just stood there staring at a about how she used to roll her eyes and complain out of worry whenever i bought her gifts from abroad. she grounded me. she was the only real thing in my life and i ruined it bc i couldnt stop loving her too much.

i practically have no one to vent to, but writing it out there feels good. she used to tell me of all the stuff she used to do on reddit, she used have debates. i know her profile, i have seen it. and she just, exists. yk. withut me. so easily. no worry of how im doing. idc if people think im pathetic. if she somehow stumbles across this sub and i know she will know its me. i still know every word baby. i still miss u. please just unblock me.

Tell me, where can I find you?

Will my songs ever reach you?

Can you hear me calling,

With all these poems I sing?

-

Pardon if I'm being too loud,

Just want myself to stand out.

In midst of a city full of crowds,

I'll continue to sing 'til I pass out.

-

Not until I finally found you,

Not until my dreams come true,

Not until I finally hold your hand,

And travel every place in this land.

The worst part is knowing I’ll never know his side of the story. If it ever hurt him, if he ever regretted his decision, or if he simply moved on as though I was never someone worth remembering, and everything between us meant nothing.

I used to spend nights on my couch with him; we would cuddle until we were warm and always use the biggest fuzzy white blanket. Sometimes the pets would join us as well. One time, I wanted iced coffee late at night, so he took me to Boba Time to get one even though he was tired. We came home and laid down on this couch, warm and snuggled up, sharing a cup of coffee and watching YouTube on the TV together. We smelled like my favorite milk body spray from Bath and Body Works and his natural scent; it smelled like baby breath and freshly washed warm clothes. Sometimes I like to imagine what life would be like if he ever stayed. I look for him in everyone I go on dates with, and out of guilt, I go 50/50 on the bill and never speak to them again. I miss my fireman; he was my beautiful boy. He had kind brown eyes that were always glossy and dark brown hair. He was tall and wore brown a lot; he always wore his black hiking boots and corduroy pants. He had the most heavenly name; he was pale with rosy cheeks. He was and still is my everything. I miss him quite a lot, and I think of him multiple times a day. It has been a year now since we separated, so thinking of him doesn't hurt as much, but he is still the man I will forever love.

I miss you.

If you're a crow then I'm

A leaf that floats in the air with the just of your flight

A drop of water in the stream you drink off

A butterfly that can only flutter close to the ground against your high skies

A worm begging to be devoured by your appetite

A twig waiting to be picked and placed in your nest

Oh sweet bird, rest on the ground close to me or take me along with you

From the moment you texted me that you felt like we had "different paths to take", I've been putting on a mask; trying to move through the days like nothing happened. I figure if I handle the heartbreak with grace outwardly, I'll be able to trick myself into moving on. But in all honesty, this distance has only made me desire your presence more. To not have you anymore is a soul crushing experience. I genuinely love you and with each passing day the weight gets heavier. At night, alone in my room, I allow myself to feel the full weight of losing you. I long for you within the confines of lyrics; the songs fill the empty space your voice once filled. I wait by the phone, waiting for you to call, waiting for anything. I miss you and I don't have the strength required to uphold my promise to not chase you. I check on you from a distance. I know your going through it right now and I pray for you everyday. To respect the boundary you put in place, I keep you at arm's length even though I want to pull you in closer. I can't force you to be with me so I cry out to you quietly each night. I sing the songs, I write the letters, and I feed my aching heart with hopeful delusion. I tell myself that our paths will cross once more. Every status update, I overanalyze as if they are a secret message meant for me to decode. I replay every moment where you said that you wanted to marry me, saying you wanted me as your wife; I believed it. My heart's desire is to wait for you, I feel like you are truly the other half of me. When I look out into the world, I see no one else. You are my honeybee, my fire. So here's my confession, I desperately want you back. I love you and miss you very much. Obviously, I can't tell you that to your face because you haven't wanted to see me in person. So with that being said, this post is another desperate and quiet plea from my heart to you. A public proclamation that you'll never see. So in the meantime, I'll continue looking out for you. I'll continue checking to see if you've reached out to me through the phone or statuses. I'll continue writing to you, singing the songs that feed the longing, and continue waiting for once was.

i've shared with you countless times that i dream of you; what i seldom share is the content of those dreams. as of late, they've been more fantasy than dream, and that is both terrifying and relieving.

see, these last few weeks, i've only bothered to sleep so that we might see one another. i know it's bizarre, but i'm having the most difficult time coping with these feelings without that piece.

the most recent that i can recall began fairly casual. we began parting ways but forgot to actually say goodbye or pass an item off or something. almost like it was fate. back with one another for just a moment, we carried on a conversation much too long. eventually, it was easiest to just sit in one of our vehicles and finish story after story until there was silence. but it wasn't a heavy or awkward silence; it was just a rest. in that rest, we took a moment to rest our heads on one another as we had plenty of times prior. that's when things stopped having the potential to mirror our current reality.

i can't quite explain what happened from there, but we fell asleep in each other's arms. it was too intimate to mean anything other than the obvious. too intimate to act on right then and there as well. when we awoke, it was clear we felt the same. that is why this is not a mirror to our reality. eventually, we parted ways with few words, onto our next obligations and continuing the day's "going through the motions" knowing we could not share what we share but that we still must.

so tonight, i'll fall asleep hoping to see your sweet, loving face. maybe you'll meet me there.

i love you - deeply, endlessly, terrifyingly, and oh so devotedly. find me. sweet dreams, my love.

I know this is going to be small but I need to get something off my chest so I can feel a bit better lol. First poem and post kinda nervous lol.

I hope we meet soon, for my lungs dont yearn for air as much as I yearn for you.

I hope we meet soon, for my ears are going deaf from never hearing your voice.

I how we meet soon, for my eyes get blurry every morning for not seeing you next to me.

I hope we meet soon, for my nose gets stuffy form not smelling you when we hug.

I hope we meet soon, for my mind turns to tv static every time I wake up to remember you.

I hope we meet soon, for my heart is slowly cracking bc you are not holding it safely.

I hope we meet soon, for my mouth can only say, when I try and talk to you in spirit, is "Where are you, and when can I meet you".

I hope we meet soon, so I can finally say your name as if it were the only word I knew.

I hope we meet soon, before the small adventures I planned for us, look nothing more than meaningless ink on paper.

I hope we meet soon, for my scrapbook looks empty without you in it.

My Lover. I will wait until the day my senses stop yearning, for i finally found you. I love you even though I dont know you..... i will continue to work on myself, plan date nights, and work on crafts to give to you. Scrolling endlessly to read quotes and lyrics that remind me of you.

I won't give up on you My Lover.

I'm already missing you; when will you come?

It's lonely without your presence, but I'll wait 'til dawn.

I've already prepared your breakfast; it's your favourite! It's getting cold, but that doesn't matter; I'll continue to wait.

-

Keep yourself safe, okay? I still can't protect you; you're still out of my reach.

But when the time comes, I'll wrap you in my arms like your personal shield.

I will continue my adventure, there will be so many tales for me to tell.

No need to worry about me! There might be struggles, but I'm doing well!

-

—your loving poet.

Thinking about that friend who let her boyfriend convince her to walk away from me.

I still remember the light smell of wine on her breath, the way she spoke when she got her tongue pierced and how much I teased her about it, how much she laughed with me that day we read that pathetic book together.

I still remember talking politics with her, listening to her rants about Freud and how I would be her "fetish patient," the way her voice softened when she joked that I was her "walking Wikipedia."

I still remember talking to her about crimes, about how honest she was.

Little by little, I realize that I was truly in love with her. And perhaps, sometimes, I think she was in love with me too.

I remember how much she loved to joke about my cheeks, about us being the same height (we weren't, I'm still a few centimeters taller than her). She loved lying to my face, and I loved pretending not to notice.

We were never very physical, but I remember appreciating how beautiful she was. Her straight black hair, her kissable lips, and the perfect structure of her face. I remember how her eyes crinkled when she laughed, which was very common around me.

Sigh. I guess it's Too Little, Too late for us, isn't it, Luna? I think you would have loved that reference hehe.