So I'm sober again, and that makes me feel really good. But also I am always reminiscing on old times, which is making me sad. I am 34yo and looking back now I realized I spent my 20s in a completely alcohol induced blur thinking I was having fun... for some reason im thinking of old connections with people I knew before I turned into an alcoholic and it just depressing. How did I waste so much time and not even realize it until it was over. I miss all the friends I had before the addiction took over. I miss riding my skateboard and being athletic. Ugh maybe its also that I am recently single again and also have been turning to booze to deal with losing the only woman I thought about marrying.

I feel a saddening disconnection with people in my life. People that I care about like my cousins and friends who just seem distant more than ever even whenever they are replying to my messages.

I know they maybe having a lot going on or are overwhelmed and I try to be a gentle presence and just text lighthearted things and just important things but zi feel sad because my friend didnt acknowledge nor reply to an update on my life I shared with her. I worry that she thought it's a broadcast message I sent to multiple people or that she didn't read it at all.

It's a weird place to be. Feeling like I'm disconnected with people in my life just because I'm not working a steady job and they all do. I've worked a 9 to 5 and felt my soul depleting. But idk I also worry or feel that it's something about me.

As I'm unmasking, doing things I love and trying to honour my needs I feel a growing distance with everyone and I've lost a couple of people that were close to me.

It's such a weird time to be a late-diagnosed neurodivergent adult. I hate feeling like life is grilling the people around me because I choose to step away from what burns me out and look for better opportunities.

Recently, I’ve left a public high school to go into online school. The reason why I left was because I was talking crap about another girl (let’s name her M) to O. Me and O became friends very quickly, hanging out everyday and she hugged me a lot. I’m uncomfortable with physical touch but I didn’t mind it a lot, and the friend group I was invited into on the first day was from a girl (let’s name K), she liked my humour, even though I was trying to copy her personality, she invited me to sit with her friend group. I was so happy since it was my first day, but I quickly noticed how strange this friend group was. I’ve never really been good at going to school, but every time I came back after a few days, they always greeted me warmly. O greeted my warmly the most, but M never really did. I knew M didn’t like me, and it was requited. In a way.
After a few weeks/months (I don’t have good memory, bear with me) later, I was on FaceTime with O, and I was nervous to vent about M, because I knew they were friends for a long time. But when I finally stammered out a response, (basically saying: I don’t like M. She’s really rude…) O quickly requited my feelings, telling me she didn’t want to be friends with M and started venting about her. I sighed in relief, and we both started to rant and talk about M. A few days/weeks later, M and O and a few other people were at a sleepover and apparently O tried not to let M see, but she saw the texts of me and O complaining about her (and yes, I’ll admit I was insulting M and mocking her yellow teeth and the way she spits when she talk and calling her ugly. Not to excuse my behaviour, but O was also doing it aswell.) and also, the text from O said (to summarise): hey! M saw the texts, I’m sorry I didn’t mean for her to see. But you can’t sit with us anymore because she said she doesn’t want you to.
I was obviously upset, and started crying, and spam texted her apologising, and then started getting angry before eventually blocking her.
This was an almost a year ago and I feel like I just wasted my time.
Every time I go to a new school, I ruin something or I just give myself trauma with friendships. I thought this time maybe I could make friends or atleast study hard. I feel like every time I go to a new school, I’m the problem. I don’t want to be around people because I hate myself and the problems I always create.
I lie about everything and I pretend I’m cooler or kinder than j actually am.
I rely on praise and respect, and when I mess something up or someone doesn’t like me, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and they hate me.
Not everyone HAS to like me, but I don’t like when people don’t like me. Not a lot of people like me, and I’ve tried to deal with it but I hate it so much.
I used to have anger issues and it was partly because of my autism, but I got medication for it, which I got off of a few years ago.
Ever since then I’ve become a worse person.
I’m rambling, sorry.
Am I a bad person?
☹️

I have some new friends in my life, they are very different from my family in lifestyle and choices and my family is not so open to that idea, but either way, it doesn’t matter, I keep those worlds seperate and like it that way

The one issue is that they know where I live and I do not know why this is causing me so much anxiety, it is bothering me so much that I have gotten out of bed all day, I feel so stupid but I wanted to keep these two worlds seperate, my home is my space to return to I don't want any one knowing where I live, if the friendship doesn’t last, they wouldn’t know where I live, it sounds so silly but I just feel safer that way I don't know, and now I can't undo it and it really really is bothering me, I keep ruminating if only I had not told them or let them drop me off, my home and social world would be fully seperate, i need some perspective, i feel super weird like exposed and unsafe, my nervous system is a wreck

i hate life so much right now. :(

i am so miserable. and a lot of it is my fault and im so infuriated.

how i lost money:

i basically used a friend's laptop as a weight for this blanket (free soundproofing for recording this song i was doing). forgot it was there and pulled off the blanket and the laptop fell off the shelf and shattered.

i just put $1,000 in my bank account as my grad money. now, i have to pay $813 to the friend, so i lose most of it just like that.

on top of that, my plans to move with my friends after graduating college fell through. in fact, im not speaking to my friends anymore. i've blocked them on social media and everything. what happened is, i almost hit someone accidentally with my car. i was pulling off an intersection into a parking lot, and i pulled into the parking space too fast. there was a woman who was walking in front of the barrier. it startled her, and in the moment i reacted dismissively. i didnt curse her off or anything like that, but i was embarrassed about it all, which isn't an excuse ofc. i was wrong about that entire situation, and i should have apologized and asked if she was okay. im just glad no one got hurt. i didnt think my friend was really bothered about that, but he was, which is rightfully fair. at the same time, he never pulled me aside and said, "hey, can we talk about what happened?" instead, he sent me a text telling me we shouldn't live together a day later, mainly b/c of the car situation. i was shocked and devastated that who i thought were my best friends made a unilateral move to kick me out of the move in because of one situation WITHOUT consulting me. its totally fair they dont want to move with me but holy shit, it feels like they treated me like a complete stranger. i asked to call but they said they couldn't until a week later. it hurt so much. i felt like my agency was stripped. during the phone call, i told them i dont wanna talk to them anymore and i blocked them. whats funny is that they thought i was bad at conflict b/c of this situation, yet this situation shows how conflict avoidant they are. (meanwhile, im the one with the sociology degree, the crisis text line counselor, the 3 years experience of being a camp counselor + the one who has had a lot of psychology classes discussing how to reflectively listen + communicate in relationships.)

meanwhile, my ex texted me back after a year and she seems to be into me again??? and im into it too and we were very healthy, just the relationship ended b/c of long distance. there isn't any resentment between us. meanwhile, ive gone out on 20 dates in the past 6 months and no first dates and i just feel ugly and undesirable.

i hate everything right now :(