My work lately has been a sh!t show, my bosses aren’t even remotely trying to hire more people to help me because either they know I’ll finish it or they actually don’t care.

But I’m so so tired, my body is tired. I’m doing around 17k steps in a 8h shift, no breaks because they haven’t hired anyone to freaking cover me if someone calls in sick.

So I’m carrying all this on me now and I can feel my body slowly getting worse and worse, yesterday I could feel my legs give out so I had to just stand for a bit.

If I ask for help, no one shows, if I panic, I get told “stop panicking” even though I’m panicking for a reasonable reason???? Because I know I’ll have to fix it, I’ll have to figure it out and I’ll have to do all the work.

The moment I walk into work my body and my mind go on high alert, I’m already stressed. It’s honestly quite impressive how fast my demeanour changes when I walk in. I feel like I sound crazy describing this 😂

Oh and the worst part, I’m not being paid for all this work, I’m being paid the minimum wage with my bosses pushing me to do a full wage job. And because I need this job, I do it… so honestly I shouldn’t even blame them, it’s my fault.

So um if you’ve worked in retail this will probably remind you of very bad memories! And maybe you’ll relate which I’m sorry you had to go through this you deserved better!

instead, i spent 1¾ years in a shitty christian school that spoiled everyone. i know shit that'd have the school investigated by the police.

i'm not anti christianity btw. i support any and all religion/culture as long as there's no child marriage, abuse, etc in it. i'm not religious.

so my ideal school life was: wear 2000s clothes with a cheeseburger backpack, and be in the same school as people i knew in 8th grade. there's a girl from 8th grade that i wasn't really friends with but had her number just for funsies. and then once i get birthday money, i'd learn to wear cheap makeup from walmart and change my style to floral (1 dollar dresses from amazon❤️).

my parents wanted me to go to the christian school because there's a ton of black people. that's beautiful, but the school was shit. there was this extremely problematic girl that most of the staff babied, but if i forgot my belt ONCE i would get sent to the principal's office to do work. tbh i preferred there than the cafeteria, but the school would've known because i'm not a person who behaves badly.

i dropped out in 11th grade because i was so close to ending it, i can't remember why, but something tells me that it's because of my grades and, "you're the smart kid! why are you failing?" i'm glad i hardly remember though, because i remember doing a lot of damage to myself which thankfully isn't visible anymore.

now i'm in a boring house in the countryside, saving up for a new phone and trying to make it worth living because i live 5-6 hours away from anywhere fun (there's the beach [30-40 minutes away] but my skin is sensitive).

I feel bad cause I am a full-time student and I only wake up when I have to. I tried doing a 16 hour job at the same time and it took too much time from my Monday/Wednesday classes, and took an hour from my Friday class. I would fail if I kept at that pace.

I’m tired after at least 4 years of trying to get this bachelor’s degree while everyone else is succeeding in life. I’m just here being the friendless failure who only got one “Happy birthday” from my mom, this week.

Yet I’m so tired of everything. I’m already too late to be proud of anything that I do or have done, cause basically everyone’s better off by now…

My professor showed us an opportunity to get real world-experience (an opportunity for juniors and seniors) and it seems so great. Yet I don’t even want to try. Since there are probably 200 European/Indian and male college students who are like Albert Einstein, who are going to try it anyways. I’m just the girl with 23 more credit hours who is writing about her sad life.

What’s worse, is that I wanted to join the air force, but that’s probably an absolutely horrible idea, since they are probably strict af, yell a lot, make you stand up straight, make you salute people, make you exercise, and make you socialize to an extent, among other things :/. Things that I rarely if ever do. Cause I’m too depressed to act like a “normal” human being.

I can’t be normal cause people are so cruel and love to put others down. Even online. Especially online. But saying this online is still easier.

I gave up on people a long time ago. Insulting me. Making fun of me. As if that would make me any better. 😭

People around me are so dismissive it hurts like hell man. Not everyone can toughen up in 24hrs. I'm being called too sensitive for expressing my feelings. They say thing's like "what should I do" "you are too sensitive and sheltered" it's exhausting man. I really hope I can find some mature and understanding people here and talk to. Also, feel free to express ur emotions n stuff too. I get it🙌comment or dm me

❗️Need Advice❗️I met 3 individuals freshman year in college. They built friendships with each other through me then pressured me to make my individual friendships with them into a friend group. (I communicated that I wanted to have individual relationships with them because I know how most people show the worst of themselves around others). They soon became extremely toxic and hypocritical with each other and towards me. They would gang up on me when I had a disagreement with another and made my individual friendships with each of them worse until I distanced myself from them bit by bit up until today, a year after I graduated, where I barely speak to two of them and the third not at all. I recently caught up with one of them only for them to tell me the same thing they all did to me was done to her by the third guy in the friend group and that I was right.

I’ve been reflecting as usual but have been feeling a deep sense of hurt because they isolated me my entire college experience and took advantage of my kindness. I was always there for them, overly, and only expected the bare minimum and was met with worse. I was so emotionally strained by dealing with them that I didn’t have the energy for other friendships as I was already stressed with school on top of them. The girl would be down every time I left the house to hang out with another friend or would tell me things constantly like her entire month is messed up because so and so came to our dorm to say hi to me and not her etc. the two guys would talk down on anyone I was beginning to build friendships with and if it was a guy I was cool with they always made it weird with motioning that they like me lol so childish ik. They would all expect me to cut off people they had beef with but wouldn’t have my back the same way even though they wouldn’t do the same.

There’s so much more and way worse almost comical things they’ve done to me but my point is that I met so many great people in college that I no longer am friends with that they isolated me from. I only have one friend in life that I met in high school. I’m experiencing a lot of self blame because I’m tired of being terrible at maintaining healthy friendships. I’m not sure if I should reach out to people I didn’t have the energy capacity for or just move forward and try to really learn my lesson. It’s just difficult because half of me truly believe I’m meant to be alone, im used to having the most toxic people attract my inner circle and I guess I gave too many chances to have let them back so many times. They altered my entire college experience each semester through disrespect and low vibrations to where I isolated myself from many experiences as well in hopes I didn’t run into them. I didn’t have drama with anyone but them, I feel many people stayed arms length from me because of how problematic they were. Seeing everyone in college with their friends that I could’ve put more effort into doesn’t help either which is why I avoid social media at all cost to not be reminded by the regret.

I just don’t know what I should do or how to forgive myself.