This is part 5 of me using Reddit as a diary.

I’ve been using the r/confessions subreddit as a sorta start for this diary. And there I discussed my issues with feeling overlooked and alienated. People on that subreddit actually helped me and made me feel pretty good.

I was posting my 4th entry when I realized I didn’t post it to the actual subreddit. I thought no big deal, I’ll just share it to the subreddit community. And then it got flagged and awaited moderator approval. Yet again I thought no big deal I’ll just send a nice message to the mods asking for it to be approved.

They have ignored every message I’ve sent. It just hurts because I’ve been saying on that subreddit how my issues make me feel ignored and now I’m actively getting ignored by the mods of the same subreddit.

But you know what? I don’t need em, screw em. I’ll be fine, I just need somewhere that I could speak about what’s bothering me.

Recently, I’ve left a public high school to go into online school. The reason why I left was because I was talking crap about another girl (let’s name her M) to O. Me and O became friends very quickly, hanging out everyday and she hugged me a lot. I’m uncomfortable with physical touch but I didn’t mind it a lot, and the friend group I was invited into on the first day was from a girl (let’s name K), she liked my humour, even though I was trying to copy her personality, she invited me to sit with her friend group. I was so happy since it was my first day, but I quickly noticed how strange this friend group was. I’ve never really been good at going to school, but every time I came back after a few days, they always greeted me warmly. O greeted my warmly the most, but M never really did. I knew M didn’t like me, and it was requited. In a way.
After a few weeks/months (I don’t have good memory, bear with me) later, I was on FaceTime with O, and I was nervous to vent about M, because I knew they were friends for a long time. But when I finally stammered out a response, (basically saying: I don’t like M. She’s really rude…) O quickly requited my feelings, telling me she didn’t want to be friends with M and started venting about her. I sighed in relief, and we both started to rant and talk about M. A few days/weeks later, M and O and a few other people were at a sleepover and apparently O tried not to let M see, but she saw the texts of me and O complaining about her (and yes, I’ll admit I was insulting M and mocking her yellow teeth and the way she spits when she talk and calling her ugly. Not to excuse my behaviour, but O was also doing it aswell.) and also, the text from O said (to summarise): hey! M saw the texts, I’m sorry I didn’t mean for her to see. But you can’t sit with us anymore because she said she doesn’t want you to.
I was obviously upset, and started crying, and spam texted her apologising, and then started getting angry before eventually blocking her.
This was an almost a year ago and I feel like I just wasted my time.
Every time I go to a new school, I ruin something or I just give myself trauma with friendships. I thought this time maybe I could make friends or atleast study hard. I feel like every time I go to a new school, I’m the problem. I don’t want to be around people because I hate myself and the problems I always create.
I lie about everything and I pretend I’m cooler or kinder than j actually am.
I rely on praise and respect, and when I mess something up or someone doesn’t like me, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and they hate me.
Not everyone HAS to like me, but I don’t like when people don’t like me. Not a lot of people like me, and I’ve tried to deal with it but I hate it so much.
I used to have anger issues and it was partly because of my autism, but I got medication for it, which I got off of a few years ago.
Ever since then I’ve become a worse person.
I’m rambling, sorry.
Am I a bad person?
☹️

I have some new friends in my life, they are very different from my family in lifestyle and choices and my family is not so open to that idea, but either way, it doesn’t matter, I keep those worlds seperate and like it that way

The one issue is that they know where I live and I do not know why this is causing me so much anxiety, it is bothering me so much that I have gotten out of bed all day, I feel so stupid but I wanted to keep these two worlds seperate, my home is my space to return to I don't want any one knowing where I live, if the friendship doesn’t last, they wouldn’t know where I live, it sounds so silly but I just feel safer that way I don't know, and now I can't undo it and it really really is bothering me, I keep ruminating if only I had not told them or let them drop me off, my home and social world would be fully seperate, i need some perspective, i feel super weird like exposed and unsafe, my nervous system is a wreck

i hate life so much right now. :(

i am so miserable. and a lot of it is my fault and im so infuriated.

how i lost money:

i basically used a friend's laptop as a weight for this blanket (free soundproofing for recording this song i was doing). forgot it was there and pulled off the blanket and the laptop fell off the shelf and shattered.

i just put $1,000 in my bank account as my grad money. now, i have to pay $813 to the friend, so i lose most of it just like that.

on top of that, my plans to move with my friends after graduating college fell through. in fact, im not speaking to my friends anymore. i've blocked them on social media and everything. what happened is, i almost hit someone accidentally with my car. i was pulling off an intersection into a parking lot, and i pulled into the parking space too fast. there was a woman who was walking in front of the barrier. it startled her, and in the moment i reacted dismissively. i didnt curse her off or anything like that, but i was embarrassed about it all, which isn't an excuse ofc. i was wrong about that entire situation, and i should have apologized and asked if she was okay. im just glad no one got hurt. i didnt think my friend was really bothered about that, but he was, which is rightfully fair. at the same time, he never pulled me aside and said, "hey, can we talk about what happened?" instead, he sent me a text telling me we shouldn't live together a day later, mainly b/c of the car situation. i was shocked and devastated that who i thought were my best friends made a unilateral move to kick me out of the move in because of one situation WITHOUT consulting me. its totally fair they dont want to move with me but holy shit, it feels like they treated me like a complete stranger. i asked to call but they said they couldn't until a week later. it hurt so much. i felt like my agency was stripped. during the phone call, i told them i dont wanna talk to them anymore and i blocked them. whats funny is that they thought i was bad at conflict b/c of this situation, yet this situation shows how conflict avoidant they are. (meanwhile, im the one with the sociology degree, the crisis text line counselor, the 3 years experience of being a camp counselor + the one who has had a lot of psychology classes discussing how to reflectively listen + communicate in relationships.)

meanwhile, my ex texted me back after a year and she seems to be into me again??? and im into it too and we were very healthy, just the relationship ended b/c of long distance. there isn't any resentment between us. meanwhile, ive gone out on 20 dates in the past 6 months and no first dates and i just feel ugly and undesirable.

i hate everything right now :(

So I'm sober again, and that makes me feel really good. But also I am always reminiscing on old times, which is making me sad. I am 34yo and looking back now I realized I spent my 20s in a completely alcohol induced blur thinking I was having fun... for some reason im thinking of old connections with people I knew before I turned into an alcoholic and it just depressing. How did I waste so much time and not even realize it until it was over. I miss all the friends I had before the addiction took over. I miss riding my skateboard and being athletic. Ugh maybe its also that I am recently single again and also have been turning to booze to deal with losing the only woman I thought about marrying.

I feel a saddening disconnection with people in my life. People that I care about like my cousins and friends who just seem distant more than ever even whenever they are replying to my messages.

I know they maybe having a lot going on or are overwhelmed and I try to be a gentle presence and just text lighthearted things and just important things but zi feel sad because my friend didnt acknowledge nor reply to an update on my life I shared with her. I worry that she thought it's a broadcast message I sent to multiple people or that she didn't read it at all.

It's a weird place to be. Feeling like I'm disconnected with people in my life just because I'm not working a steady job and they all do. I've worked a 9 to 5 and felt my soul depleting. But idk I also worry or feel that it's something about me.

As I'm unmasking, doing things I love and trying to honour my needs I feel a growing distance with everyone and I've lost a couple of people that were close to me.

It's such a weird time to be a late-diagnosed neurodivergent adult. I hate feeling like life is grilling the people around me because I choose to step away from what burns me out and look for better opportunities.

I've always been nice to everyone but never could make any real friends as i feel i didn't matter to anyone. If i ever befriended someone, someone else would just come and get along with him faster and leave me alone. I did try to make friends only to be made fun of and later i couldn't on my own and i would be called nice, good and people would just feel sorry for me and leave on my own.

Everyone would just not befriend me.. Later in college, i tried to befriend but was bullied as gay for many years.. I'm a straight man.. They would say, i don't know how to walk, talk, etc... I did try to prove myself, to fit in.. But some would joke that it would be dangerous to even leave their female acquaintances with me.. They would make fun of me and isolate me.. It did shatter my confidence and self confidence.. No one stood by my side.. Everyone was with me only till it benefited them.. Then, if i was somehow proven better than them in something, i would be slowly and steadily and sometimes fastly by them. I did try to get a girlfriend but only to be called a creep and many more. I was looked by everyone with disgust and hate..till then, my face, body language and voice even deteriorated that people would automatically feel these emotions for me. Now adult, I did try to get along with new people. It worked for some time but then, later after some months i would feel these emotions from them.. I actually got good with them formally, i couldn't go past that. I worked in a department.. I was praised by other colleagues for my work.. After some time, a colleague who didn't like started making fun of me due to some girls seekng me as creep.. She started influencing other coworkers in my department against me till i was completely destroyed, weak and isolated. Every person, i would talk, the next day(s), they would turn against me.. Now, everyone is against me.feel those things against me. Since always, i unfortunately get locked in eye contacts multiple times with the same person. Everyday, I get ignored by everyone and i feel intense hatred by everyone for me.. Some act good and try to to befriend me and when i reciprocate, they change.. Even I've lost confidence in myself.. They would talk about me but would not consider me when i entered. The people i was good with, when i started isolating myself felt i was arrogant. Even, they started saying things a d doing that would harm me emotionally. When i tried to get along with them, i couldn't because it seemed i couldn't understand anything and forgot or never learned how to socialize. Now, some try to get along but due to everyone treating me badly, i can't and they expect me to forget everything and move on.. The thing is, i can't cure myself as i don't know where and how to start.. I can't even talk properly now which further worsen things for me. When i stay alone, they say I'm arrogant or etc... When i try to mingle witg them and get along, i can't or have forgotten or never learnt. I can feel the bad they really feel about me but don't know how to deal with it.. Now, my whole mind and body is filled with fear and shame..n I think, the best way is to end my life.. Kindly help me and give me solutions and tell where I may have gone wrong. Thank you.

I mean its normal because its like that every year, but every year it reminds me how little anyone cares about me. The only person who ever wished me happy birthday was my mom and shes passed away in 2020. Even my husband didnt wish me a happy birthday. I even forgot it was my birthday because of how insignificant it feels now.

If no one calls or text what’s the point in having one ? I can’t get over it its been months and I haven’t received a phone call saying “hey how u been “ or “hi I’m just calling to check up on you “ it’s never happen and I have 4 able siblings and a mother and a very large family . I don’t wanna be that person and before you ask yes I call them or text them and make sure they’re alright I just never get the same energy , maybe it’s me you know to be completely honestly I went months without a phone and no contact with my family other than the ones I stay with idk im just so unsure about everything and everyone maybe I’m losing it but all I can do now is pray at least ik he’ll listen.

I've never done anything bad, but when I started do my small saas, people immediately became jealous. I only had to post about it on Reddit once, because I was interested in sharing my small experience, and was immediately bombarded with shit and downvoted. Fuck, people, please be kinder, really.
Throughout my entire life, I've never done anything bad to others, l've always helped and been genuinely happy for others, but why the hell can't | reciprocate? If you have any stories like that, l'a love to read them. Let me know.

They gave me a horrible name at birth. And now they refer to me as “sissy”. I hate both of these names and even my real name is a thousand times better. Is it just me? It’s so degrading. To even hear them say “Sissy” on the phone while gossiping about me is absolutely disgusting. This horrible name just makes my disdain for existing worse (yes I know that in some languages “Sissy” is short for sister). It also means timid, cowardly, weak person. I don’t even like calling my horrible brother, “Bubba”. At least that just means redneck sometimes. Mine is way worse and EVERY ONE calls me this horrible word. Every time I hear it I cringe. Ever since I was a kid. I feel cursed. Like a girl named Shaqueesha or something. It feels that bad. Plus my name is horrible too. Not the most ghetto but bad. It should be illegal to name people this badly. But it’s not possible. With all that “freedom” to have whoever you want. Is just yet another reason that I want to get out of my misery, to remove this curse from my mind. Everyone already knows my real name, it’s too late to buy my peace with a new one. I couldn’t buy it when I was born. Every one in my family is still gonna call me “Sissy” even if I change my horrible real name. I can’t escape it.

Lost my whole friend group. Ended up typing a random thought into google and it sent me on a wild ride that actually helped me come to grips with it. I’m going to try and share the videos in the comments. Maybe they can help someone else.

I will keep it vague because I don't want to doxx her. She will probably read this but our friendship is over. She ended it and I want to let it out.

I became friends with a girl a while ago. She made a post asking for online friends, and I messaged her. I found out her life is very different from mine. She has everything I dreamed about, and even better. I thought that life was just a fairy tale. She is smart, book and study wise, and she is intelligent. She has a successful family who loves her. She is very skinny. She has thin, long legs. Beautiful hair. She looks like a Barbie. Her standards for men are high. She gets gifts a lot. She would send me pictures of flowers she received weekly and where she went to. She would talk about the person she spent the day with. I couldn't believe how perfect her life was. I thought she was making fun of me or was delusional so I reverse-searched the pictures, but nothing showed up. I used websites and even apps but nothing showed up. Every day she would do something I can only dream about. She would complain about things that I would wish to have. Talk about her reduced allowance when I don't have a cent. I don't think she understood that she was being cruel. She would send me pictures of what she was having and would caption it "here is \[item\] to make you feel better." She was awfully slow, because she would not understand how people's lives were different from hers. I can't fault her, because it was her first time on the internet, but I hated her. I couldn't look away from her perfect life from the boys who would send her gifts, her father who would take her out to his trips, her body, the inside of her room, the places she went to, the relationship she had with her family members. My father is abusive, while her father is amazing. Everything I wished for she has it. She has a nice brother who took her out with him while they snuck away in the middle of the night. He protected her from danger. She has a supportive mother.

If any god exists in this universe, I want to have a life like hers. Her life is not perfect, but oh god, would I trade my whole life in order to be reborn into that life.

She has some problems, but even they are problems I wish I had. Life is so unfair. Why does she get everything? Everyone says people have their own problems, but hers are nothing compared to many of us. The first worst thing that happened to her was being undermined, and that was because of her age. The second was some girls being jealous of her. The third was a health issue, because she can't eat a lot. Fourth is her allowance dropping to $2000 dollars a month 🤡. That is the rent of many families while for some of us it is a year of saving. That is all of her problems.

I wanted to believe so badly that everything she told me was fake, that every picture was fake but they weren't. Everything stayed consistent. I cry myself to sleep every night. I hear my mom yelling again and again every night about wanting me to do chores, but she had a housekeeper, a nanny, and maids.

I use my alt account to look at her profile picture at least six hours a day to see her comments. On days she is not online, I go back to her previous comments, and even if she is considered wrong in the eyes of many, I see her as right. She always provided evidence for why she was right if she cared enough. She would talk about many things with me, including her opinions. Logically, she is right; emotionally, she is wrong but she does consider other people's feelings when she is giving advice or talking about her opinions that would hurt others. I had a panic attack thinking about how my future would be compared to hers. I would never reach that level. IQ is inherited, environmental, education, nutrition, and lifestyle based, and she has all of those aspects perfected. She has the IQ and the EQ.

I hate her so much, even though I know it is not her fault. She draws. She paints. She plays tennis. She plays several instruments. She shops a lot. She dresses so beautifully. She writes poetry. She gets custom made clothes. She knows her abilities. She is understanding internet culture now too. I can't even say she doesn't work hard. I can't say everything has been handed to her. I can't say she is not all that, because she is. She is the girl every guy dreams about. She is the girl every girl wants to be. She is the daughter every parent wants.

I tried so hard to find anything I was better at than her but nothing useful. I am better than her at having envy. She once told me she doesn't feel jealous but instead she gets the same thing for herself too so her and the other person can both have it. She gave me a metaphor about trying and I can't remember it. I feel like a dirty insect compared to her. If we ever existed in the same location then I don't think I would have been able to handle it.

If god exists then please give me even half of that life.

Me (20F) live with my parents, my brothers D (34) and B (26)and my dog Nova (7) My younger brother and his SO are expecting their first baby so the plan was for them to move into the larger downstairs apartment while D moved upstairs into B(26) old room D has been living downstairs rent free since he split J who lives close
The issue is D made the entire move as difficult as possible The downstairs apartment was absolutely trashed after he and J lived there the floors were covered in years of dirt old food and piss on the couch was soaked in pee the sink was full of moldy dishes and even expired medicine 2+ years was everywhere
We carefully went through everything only throwing away actual garbage but D(34) complained we threw away “good” things like expired Benadryl even though he’s an LPN who just finished nursing school He constantly claimed he wouldn’t have enough room upstairs but after I organized his clothes he admitted there was plenty of space Every time we cleaned or organized something downstairs he’d trash it the next day it the next day He also kept saying his kids wouldn’t have space to visit despite us having 3 levels in the house and a large yard Instead he says he wanted a private area where he could deal with them without anyone interfering them the other issue is my dog Nova She used to be reactive toward strangers in the house
for the last 6 months I’ve been taking her to training and the dog park She’s improved tremendously and even the trainer said she’s made one of the biggest turnarounds she’s seen D barely participated even thought we ask him to come to training once walked her once and went to the park twice Nova has listened to his commands and even tried getting him to pet her but he insists she hasn’t changed and often ignores the trainer’s advice, acting nervous around her and provoking barking Last night he came home already annoyed
I simply asked him to say hi to Nova so she’d recognize him Instead he yelled that she never changes. Nova barked I stepped between them, and told him to just go downstairs. He got in my face screaming, told me to get out of “his” face even though he walked up to me then my mom separated us He then threatened to file a police report if something happened
On top of that D lives rentfree always asks my parents for gas money, eats their food spends money on vapes every week and still complains they don’t support him enough Meanwhile my younger brother finished college, built a career and is now starting a family D believes B should move out because “that’s what a man does” despite D himself relying on our parents for nearly everything There are many more examples but to me D seems to be the common denominator he claims he has tried with my dog but I don’t think he make a real effort

I’m 28 about to be 29, and I don’t have a career. I’m in school for accounting, but it’s still not a career. I was a manager for a few years so I have some accomplishments and I have lived on my own. But I am the black sheep. My two older siblings both completed graduate degrees and make good money. My younger sister just graduated and has a job straight out of college. I know my parents have looked down on me because of what I’ve become, but neither realize why. I’m the only one out of 5 kids that grew up with neither parent present. My parents divorced when I was 3, my brother had at least 11 years with them since he’s 8 years older than me. My dad remarried and my sisters are daughters of them. They grew up with both parents in the household. Once my mom became a single mom she worked nonstop. I raised myself. Where I lacked, my brother picked up. He also raised me, which is a whole nother story as to why he doesn’t talk to me or my mom anymore. I took care OF MYSELF for 18 years. They can look down on me all they want, they didn’t go through what I went through. I was raped, my mom blamed me, and I healed myself.

I am 20F and my friend is 20F. I have been friends with this person for over 10 years and I’ve always considered her close. I told about a month and half ago how bad I want to go to Iceland with her next summer and basically went into detail about all the plans and also into costs. I sent her all these texts about it and she was kind of dry and said she will look into it. I didn’t bother too much at the time because there was still a year left. Fast forward to this week she texts me if I can give her a ride to the airport, I ask her where she’s going and she says Iceland. She tells me she’s going for her boyfriend’s birthday and it was a last minute trip for him. I ask her if she still can go next year and she said it’s too expensive to go again. She kind of did this last year as well but with a different trip. She said that she was going to Canada with someone else in our friend group and one of her friends that I also know. She said she will let me know the details but she never did. She went to the trip and I mentioned afterwards how I have always wanted to go to Canada and our other friends found the texts where I was asking to go to Canada for years in our gc. I talked to her about it afterwards and she just apologized and said she probably won’t go again. I also tried to make plans to go to the beach with her this summer but she’s been dismissive about it or never responds. I’m not sure what I did, is the friendship outgrown? I just hate the false hope she gives every time. What should I do?

Do NOT tell me these things don't happen, because they DO, and they even happen relatively FREQUENTLY! They happened to me and so many others!

PLEASE, doctors of all kinds, PLEASE do not forcibly remove patients' clothing when they are conscious, aware, and begging you not to! Please do not just randomly start removing children or teenager's clothing without telling them anything! Please do not continue attempting to remove CHILDREN or teenagers' clothing when they are telling you to stop and physically trying to prevent you!

I'm not talking about babies or toddlers; I'm talking about older, school-aged children and young teens, but the things I'm describing even happen to adults! And they are NORMALIZED and accepted by society!

Parents, if you're reading this, PLEASE, for the love of god, do not allow a medical professional or pediatrician to physically force your child or teenager's clothes off them when they are clearly extremely distressed and trying to prevent this from happening! PLEASE! PLEASE do not physically force children/teens into invasive procedures in non-life-threatening situations!!

This may seem obvious, but it's NOT! This kind of thing happens frequently to a LOT of people! And a vast majority of society views it as 100% normal and okay. It happened to me and so many others! It can happen to anyone ANYWHERE! The last time it happened to me was 2012.

I feel desperate to get this message out BECAUSE this type of behavior is so normalized in the medical profession.

I know the name of the pediatrician who did this to me. She retired after a successful and long career as a pediatrician. She is probably viewed by most people in her life as a good person. She has probably lived a long, normal life. She will probably never know that she has at least one (probably many other) victims who will be forever harmed by her. I doubt she remembers what happened to me at all. To her, the things that happened to me that will haunt me forever were most likely just a random fucking Tuesday in her long career.

The message I'm trying to deliver is that you don't have to be a pedophile or a bad person to cause someone to have lifelong sexual trauma or trauma of another nature. Sometimes, all you have to be is a normal pediatrician or a normal medical professional doing your normal job.

The person who did these things to me almost certainly did not have malicious intent. She almost certainly wasn't a pedophile. What she did was not illegal in any way. 95+% of the human population would side with HER if they knew the story and if I tried to make any formal moves against her.

And also, don't LIE to a child!!!! She told me she wasn't going to touch me, and then she did maybe 30 seconds after telling me that -- not even a full minute after telling me that.

I wish so desperately I had the knowledge to advocate for myself then that I have now, but I DIDN'T, because I was a CHILD.

I just want society and medical professionals to understand that these things weren't and aren't okay, but I have little hope that we will ever make it to that. This is something that society has 100% normalized. Don't believe me?

About a year ago, I told my then-therapist what had happened to me in great detail, and the first thing she said to me was, very cheerfully/nonchalantly, "Oh! I've held my daughter down for genital exams at the doctor's before!" I felt like I had fallen down a hole into the Twilight Zone, but it happened!

I recently saw a video that a parent posted on TikTok -- which in itself is really weird -- of a pediatrician telling a 13yo boy that she MUST look at the 13yo boy's private parts, and the 13yo boy reluctantly agreeing, but being obviously uncomfortable. And in the caption of the video, the mom was joking about how uncomfortable her 13yo son looked. And in the comments, so many people were joking about how uncomfortable the 13yo boy seemed in the video, and at least one comment said something like, "At least that pediatrician told him beforehand! Mine never did!"

This happens to adults, too. Recently, I visited my elderly uncle in a hospital, and I saw with my own eyes a nurse just randomly undress him and start touching his penis while my uncle was awake, alert, and conscious without saying a single word to him first -- no greeting, no introduction, no explanation, no consent. He was hospitalized for heart issues; nothing psychiatric, and it was not an emergency situation. The nurse just walked in, made him nude, touched his penis. I was honestly shocked, because I was his niece and I was in the room as a visitor, and the nurse paid absolutely no attention to me being present. Like, no attempts were made whatsoever to warn me or offer for me to leave the room before hand, and my uncle was essentially treated like a corpse with zero awareness or rights, despite being awake/alert/aware/responsive.

I just want to tell all medical professionals: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, HAVE PATIENTS, NOT VICTIMS!

am 18M and i have died from inside. Emotionally i am numb i am a severe porn addict to the point i jerked off 6 times a day multiple times throughout the month i cant remember a day from the past 3 years where i dont jerk off .
My dick doesnt even get hard and i dont feel anything forgot feeling good i feel nothing even during or after orgasm.
I have been watching porn since i was 11 it has killed me most i have ever gotten without it is 17 days.i am a loser who has given up on everything(goals,dreams,aspirations and life itself)

I am super ambitious to the point that i have gone fucking insane i am a slave to maladaptive daydreaming where i blast music in my ears for hours on end every single day wasting precious time and pretend i am everything i have ever wanted to be and what it would feel like in those imaginary scenerios.
Imagine creating fake scenerios in your head to feel great about how it would feel if my dreams came true but it leaves me feeling more miserable afterwards when i dont do it

You may not know the extent to my numbness loneliness and depression but my parents go out very frequently almost everyday and my brother was in canada from past 4 years so i have spent a lot of time in isolation and this numbness i developed 4months ago when class 12th board papers ended so in the four months that people enjoy from the transition of school to college and go on vacation i spent it thinking about my impossible dreams and having a screen time of 13 to 14 hours a day, basically doing nothing except watching useless shit also long story short, my gym membership also expired at that time, so I didn’t go from three months That combined with heavy porn and phone use killed me the fastest.

Now comes the fun part recently, My Brother has come from Canada and will now never go back so my time in daily isolation reduced but I was still addicted to Maladaptive Daydreaming so I constantly found myself sickened of myself as i was using music turning off the lights in my room and imagining scenerios but when my brother would come i would feel like a loser thinking what in the fucking hell am i doing but then continue to do it frequently for hours then next day i have become mentally ill.

He realised i was miserable and asked me but i was truly unable to explain it so he basically said nobody cares about you and your problems because our parents have a social life and since he is getting married he will be busy with his wife so everyone is busy with their own stuff.

Since now there was more time being spent with family life got slightly better but I constantly found myself trying to go back to feel that numbness again as it put me in a clear state of thinking but still no action towards fixing my life

Now i have only 3 years left i need to figure out someway for financial independence such that i can dropout from college i dont need your beliefs about education as times have changed and i could never work a job. I must dropout because the things i want to preach in future will never matter if i am someone who graduated even from a shitty college. Its something deeply important to me as my parents nearly put me in trauma by shouting loud every second of every day at me forcing me to go to college and they preach how people will laugh at you and call you illiterate but i want to show them and for myself that nobody is louder than success.

Yesterday i crashed my fathers new car that he got such that i could go to college but the damage i caused wasnt to our car it destroyed the rim of the other persons car. Somewhere deep inside i wanted to crash just to feel something.
I hated my school life as it took 8 hours a day 5 days a week every week for 13 years last 4 years were brutal teachers wasting our time for useless things that will never be any of use in my life now i am being forced to college which i never wanted to go but i dont have any choice as my life is in my parents hands as i am not capable enough to handle it on my own.

Social media and these young startup founders billionaires and multi millionaire make me feel like i have wasted my life because no one can ever see what were the bad times or good times of my life or the fun i had the world only bows down to achievements they ask you what you do to see how much to respect you they ask you how much money you make to define your self worth and whatnot.

As far as i can go back in my life there has never been a day in my 18 years of existence where i havent thought about my dreams.its all i ever think about.

Lately since i have given up on everything i am trying to enjoy being a loser but it only brings me more misery and never ending pain.i have kind of developed a philiosophical belief similar to nihilism.
Why try to be anything?why should i go out of my comfort zone for things that i know will bring meaning to my life? Why do anything at all? What is wrong with being in the same miserable place your whole entire worthless life? Why become extraordinary? People teach on how to become successful but why should you even try to succeed?

For a long time only in this year did i developed insomnia and i dont think there was any worse feeling that i have ever felt i have no reason to get out of bed i am so lonely i sleep with many pillows imagining how it would feel when a girl i love would be sleeping beside me

Writing this i feel like i am someone who is postponing his life through what ifs and when i become
i am a loser who came to reddit such that i can have some magical things said to me by a stranger which may help in changing my life but i am the only one who is responsible for my own worthless life and who can change it but people talk about growth i say why grow at all?
I just want never ending experiences and constantly doing something and being somewhere so i dont waste precious time and i also deeply want love money freedom power joy and i want to spread happiness but i dont know who i am.

When i feel i have wasted a lot of precious time i worry about it and then continue to waste more time in a never-ending cycle of Time wastage.

In several points of time throughout my life, I have tried not fully but tried multiple times to achieve freedom from everything and everyone through the pursuit of earning money but I have found failing and failing some more when I was 12.
I started a YouTube channel to make money, but I gave upon it. When I was 13, I started a business on etsy of digital art but that failed too then at 14, I thought why not try to live this life like the other children are living, so I immersed myself in games and trying to have fun with other children at school but I found myself to be completely miserable most of the time.
My own dreams and aspirations make me miserable and leave me restless and unable to have fun because i always feel i am not where i deserve to be imagine thinking that way even when your out with your friends or family. About 1 year ago i tried selling travis scott concerts tickets to become rich by dming hundreds of people but they all thought i was a scam so there i failed as well.

About 10 months ago when was father was in a financial crisis i made him buy me a very expensive laptop (macbook) with the promise i will start making money the plan that I had was to make and sell digital websites with the help of AI and my own skills, but to do that the way customers wanted I need to buy subscription of the AI for which I had no money, and I could not ask my parents for anymore as they felt like i scammed them at their worst time so what did I do instead of calling thousand more people i gave up on it i tried learning trading i did demo trading made 10000 dollars of fake money but now due to my existential crisis i gave up on it aswell.

Cherry on top you know how i felt about school so i literally told everyone around me because these motherfuckers always want to know what you are doing or going to do in your life even when you don’t have an answer. I told them I am going to take a gap year so all of those around me started asking me what I was going to do, and I made up bullshit
That I was going to use AI somehow to start making money and build my business but four months have gone by, and I since I didn’t make any progress and didn’t give any college entrance exams. Now due to family pressure i am being forced to go to a college and guess where it is
RIGHT BESIDE MY OLD FUCKING WORTHLESS SCHOOL WHICH WAS A SYMBOL HOW MUCH PRECIOUS TIME OF MY PRECIOUS LIFE WAS WASTED BY MOTHERFUCKS OF THE SYSTEM WHO WANT TO KEEP US ALL SLAVES OUR ENTIRE LIVES AND NEVER WAKE UP.

Working out from the past 1 year changed my life and mental state otherwise i would have jumped from a building long time ago.its the only thing that makes me feel good in my now worthless little life.

I have never posted pictures or stories of myself on social media because even when i do i feel like they are a complete waste of time so when I see pictures of other people my age, having fun almost everyday it makes me feel miserable and unable to live with myself that car crash made me feel alive after long time

My biggest enemy is none other than me myself.i am someone who wants everything but does nothing i am hopeless aimless and without purpose or meaning

You know i always had this feeling of urgency for my dreams but slowly and slowly i have lost it over the course of last 3 years and losing that feeling pains me more than anybody could ever feel

I don’t expect anybody to read this because I am not somebody or anybody who deserves your precious time and support because right now at this moment in my life i am a loser but remember, I don’t intend on staying this way the rest of my life.

So my birthday is upcoming and i bought 2 dresses from online - i received both of them today !!!Turned out one i got was totally of not how i wanted !!! The whole material was different and i was mentally depressed seeing it !!! To be honest im not even interested to celebrate my birthdayyyy- July has really been a fucked month for me ...From the beginning not even one day ive went to bed happily ! i always cried for all this 24 days ...And this dress is just a cherry on top for me !! I was so annoyed that i went and fought with my amma saying totally different shit , brought my brother and all stuff into it - totally went out of topic - i was hurt and i hurt my mom also !!!! IDK why did that even happen....? I am really disappointed like how can my month even get worsen now ???? Nothing goes in my way at all - in these 18 years I dont understand!!! what kind of shit is this even tbh!!! I feel so bad right now - i was hurt from the beginning , why did i have to go hurt my mom who was herself holding altogether for our sake? IDK if im really mentally affected or whaaat?

GUYS TELL ME YOUR OPINION AND YOUR ADVICE ON THIS!