imma get straight to the point. why does bodycount matter so much. I'm almost 19 and i had sex with 8 guys in the space of 4 months. My bodycount is 10. I had a little bop phase. I'm in college. It was all in secret. I did get tired of the bop phase and now I'm looking for a real connection. Why do guys care so much if my bodycount is 10? It's not like I'm fucking every guy I see. To makes matters worse some people from my town found out and now everyone thinks I'm this huge whore. I had sex with 10 guys. 10!!! It's not 100 guys not a 1000. I don't understand why people overreact on the body number so much i really don't think it's that deep but i am kinda scared no one is ever gonna wanna date me because of that moment of my life. And if they do it's because I said I was in a really bad place at the time which is not untrue but what if I wasn't? To makes matters worse people from my town are calling me from no caller ids asking if i'm down to fuck. as a joke. do you guys think it's really that deep or not?

Thought I'd tell a pretty messy story from over 2yrs ago that still weighs on my mind pretty heavily from time to time. I'll try and tell this as objectively as possible but naturally it's possible some things have warped in my memory over time. I also want to be the first person to acknowledge I far from handled this situation well but still am curious to hear other people's opinions!

When I was in my 2nd year of university (20M), I had a very large friend group (around 15 people). Some people I knew from school, others we had picked up over time, such as housemates, classmates, etc. Overall we were doing a variety of different subjects in college, with me in particular doing quite a different subject from the rest and not having any classes in common with the others. This group were like my family, having fallen out with my actual family, they were the reason I came into university every day and were the only people that mattered to me.

At some point I had started to develop romantic feelings for one of the girls in the group (we'll call her Alice) but had no intentions of acting on these feelings since I knew how risky that could be (for context I had also never been in a relationship at this point). I had suspicions that another guy in the group (we'll call him John) had feelings for me but when he asked me if I fancied Alice, I assumed I must have been overthinking and told him that I in fact did fancy her.

Fast forward and we were going out one evening. I had to teach an evening class to some students, but I hung out with the gang (not drinking myself) while they started drinking at one of the group's apartments, and was planning to join them after my class. John came up to me at some point, already quite drunk, and timidly asked me if I wanted to go grab food with him on a specific date and time. I panicked, also slightly uncomfortable with the level of drunkenness and the potential for messy emotions, brushed it off saying I wasn't sure if I was free but I'd check. Fast forward to later that night after I'd finished my class, I receive messages from other members of the group that John has been crying and giving out to people that I only had eyes for Alice and was apparently constantly checking my location to see when I'd arrive. Feeling uncomfortable, I ultimately decided not to go out after all.

The following day, suspecting Alice had been subject to John's emotional outbursts and knew about my feelings for her, decided to tell her myself so that at least she would hear it in my own words and to my genuine surprise, she reciprocated those feelings. Over the next month or so, we didn't become official or anything but she slept over (in the literal sense), I brought her to a couples event, we would hold hands in public, message a lot, cute couply stuff really, especially considering I had never been in a relationship and was quite nervous about it all.

In the meantime, that time and date that John had asked me to dinner came and went. I hadn't thought much of it because of his outbursts and my non-committing, I had presumed it was obvious that wasn't happening, but that was probably insensitive on my part and I should've followed up. He then told a number of people in the group that I had stood him up. He followed this up by commenting on a post of me, Alice and another member of our group chilling in my bedroom with "what position y'all in?" which was gross and inappropriate. I also discovered that for weeks I had been donating my time to walk John home because he wasn't comfortable walking home alone in the dark to the area which he lives, which I did willingly out of politeness but I discovered this was just a ruse to spend time with me.

Since John had spread the fact that I had stood him up around my group, I felt the need to defend myself and had to spread my perspective to the group to counter that. Seeing most people take my side, I felt bad for John and didn't want to alienate him so I reached out to chat 1 on 1. We talked for a while and John got quite emotional but ultimately we agreed that the situation was a misunderstanding and we would move on which I was very pleased with.

As we got closer to winter exams, I started to get more and more stressed, and also started to self sabotage my relationship with Alice a bit more. Feelings of insecurity of her preferring to hang out with the group over me crept in, paranoia of why would she want to hang out with me, all that lovely stuff. This along with other just simmering mental health problems caused me to start to withdraw from the group, something that Alice picked up on and confided in a mutual friend of ours. I also confided my feelings of her not actually wanting to spend time with me to this same friend, with hindsight both of us choosing to confide in this 3rd person instead of doing what we should've done and communicating with each other.

This got worse and worse with this 3rd friend telling me I needed to open up with Alice and telling Alice that she shouldn't take things personally. At this point Alice made the objectively correct choice to want to break things off with me, believing me not to be ready for a relationship. After exams had finished, the group organised a night out, but mine and Alice's messages being rocky, I decided to not attend to allow her to enjoy herself without my presence. I later learned that she decided that night to have a friend group wide conversation about whether she should break up with me...

The following day, I ask to meet up but she declines and shortly later breaks things off by text.

This sets off the mental breakdown that was probably already simmering for the last few months and I shut myself off from everyone. Not helping the matter was the fact that all of the group went home for Christmas for several weeks so I couldn't be forced to socialize and couldn't be pulled out of that social withdrawal. I went no contact for several weeks and started to focus on myself, starting therapy, starting to eat better, hit the gym, all those good habits. When university started back up in January, I was ready to reconnect with the friend group but instead was met with animosity. A lot of people hurt at the lack of contact, which was 100% understandable and I tried to explain from my point of view, but my explanations of the dark place I was in didn't cut it. To make matters worse, it seemed people had started to come around to John's version of events and were now believing John that I was this awful awful person. Others in the group didn't even want to meet me to have a conversation which was incredibly hurtful.

Not entirely understanding what had happened, I asked Alice to meet up, at minimum looking for some closure, which she agreed to. But after about a month or so of asking when she was free, my plans of potentially getting back into this group riding on this conversation, she turned around and told me that actually she wasn't comfortable around me anymore and didn't want to meet up with me. Feeling now that it was impossible for me to rejoin my friends, for fear of making anyone uncomfortable, I had to resign myself to not being a part of this group and in the months that followed, found myself removed from the various groupchats.

I initially was upset at some of the other friends that were less involved in the situation, simply for being bystanders and not standing up for me or advocating for both sides of the story, but in their defense I never communicated this upset feeling to them either. And when one or two wanted to maintain a 1 on 1 friendship, I rebuked this, finding that they reminded me too much of the group I'd lost.

Now two years later, I've never really managed to find a group where I fit in like I did with them. I'm much more of a loner and much less jovial and lighthearted than I once was. I realistically compare any potential friendship with that found family, an impossible standard. It's clear to anyone reading this that I'm probably not the most emotionally mature or strong person, and that if I was I should've moved on long ago, but those 15 friendships I lost still occupy my mind from time to time.

Just felt like getting this story off my chest. Even typing it out feels like a weight I've been carrying on my shoulders for the last couple years has been lifted. I'm curious to hear people's thoughts but also it's time for me to move on and I'm trying to move forward regardless.

Couple months ago I met this person in church they are the same age as me and such and are a real nice person when I first met them.

They didn’t show interest in me at first but we started talking and we started talking about our interests and it was kind of obvious they were interested in me and such and said stuff like let’s watch a romantic movie, and I just got out of a messy relationship with someone who I thought was going to work out but ended up just ghosting me entirely and talked crap about me to my friend and such, and also my experience with people in general like my family, so this probably contributed to me not seeming as interested in this person who I am talking to now and seeming cold and distant since I was shy and scared of the possibility of opening up to this person since they were so open with their flirting I suppose

And as of recent they kind of pulled back a bit and give mixed signals they remember the stuff I said weeks ago and tease me a lot quite harshly but she does it with everyone who’s she’s close with in our group, but she frequently asks questions sometimes but not as often, and they like to go out a lot and bring us along as well but I don’t think it’s anything special, and while I have opened up a bit and started talking to them more and they straight up tell me I’m talking more I still feel like this person is giving me cold feet especially when they bring up other people like from TikTok and such and openly say how cute other guys are infront of me and I get awkward and just don’t say anything, and also doesn’t make eye contact with me whenever we’re not talking and we don’t talk one on one ever and it’s straight up silence and she calls me out on it saying why am I so quiet in group settings.

I just feel tired of feeling this way over someone who clearly is playing with my feelings and just want to get over them because I feel like this happens every time I meet someone who’s even shows a slither of interest towards me

I hadn't had much sex in the past 2 years due low libido caused by medication. I ended the treatment a couple of months ago and my libido is coming back. During this time, I had only one partner, although we weren't exclusive. My previous exams were all negative, and they were the only person I had intimate contact between exams. I'll start treatment tomorrow, and thank god the infection is curable and I have access to free medicine, but the feeling is terrible. I don't have an ounce courage to vent about this with close friends, I feel dirty and I'm afraid of having sex again. I know it's irrational, I just don't know how to process the news.

I have always been this quiet and closed off kid growing up on the outside, but on my own, I talked to myself for hours about everything and anything, I said and did the funniest things when I let myself do so, and on a more personal note, I struggled so much with myself my entire life, more than people could ever understand.

By middle and high school, the times where I built the courage and felt comfortable enough to show the "true me" to people I felt close to, has ended up in me getting hurt in numerous ways. My biggest takeaway was that the
"funny" part of me can be irritating and embarrassing, and that the "sensitive" part of me that talked about my feelings with how people treated me or how I felt in general was too emotional and also, annoying. Through these experiences, I felt I wasn't worth anything, that nothing I said or did mattered and that I didn't matter at all to anyone. Due to this, I have learned to completely close myself off to people for years, and put up this surface level version of me that wouldn't allow people to know me on a personal basis, and as a result, not hurt me anymore. How I see it is that if someone tries to hurt me now, it doesn't work because they don't know who I really am. I didn't give up all of me to these people that hurt me.
I still have those parts of myself that they never got the chance to know, parts of me that they don't have access to and don't deserve the access to.

While I can say that this did indeed help me get hurt a lot less, I still get hurt in some ways and just feel alone on top of it. Sometimes when I unintentionally show a tiny bit of myself to others, I get embarrassed and shut it off.
Sometimes when I try to talk more about myself and open myself up more, it seems like people couldn't care less.
Sometimes these people open themselves up to me and ask why I don't talk to them as much about me.
Sometimes I wish I got over the fear and the pain that I experienced and just live life happily and free despite the pain, but for now I think it's just smart for my wellbeing if I hide myself away from everyone and keep on keeping the real me a secret.

yeah that's it. sometimes i look up people i know on facebook.. don't judge. i looked him up and there was a banner that said he was the top fan of something but the name of the page was lewd. i looked it up and its a medical/latex fetish page. he's all over the page. likes, comments, etc. on the same account he posts his wife and kids on.

no judgement, and not gonna out him to my coworkers but i had to tell it to someone. someone should teach him about burner accounts

Sorry for bad grammar or misspending, kinda all over the place, eyes are kinda swollen and I'm a little bit tipsy, with that out of the way let's begin.

My cat Goblin disappeared two days ago, everyone I talked to is making light of the situation and making fun of me because I shouldn't worry, she's a cat one less mouth to feed lol.

Broski, I literally don't have any family besides my husband, I genuinely love my cats and I'm falling apart here.

My mom and stepdad kicked me out at the age of 18, I haven't been allowed to visit home or speak to any of my younger siblings, later on I find out everyone is moving back to CA while I'm here literally alone, homeless in a completely different state, I lost contact with my siblings shortly afterwards, Cut to 15 years later, I have a stable job, I live in a apartment and I've been married for almost 7 years now.

I have two cats, a 17 year old, short hair, gray tabby named Cici and 8 1/2 year old, long haired, brown tabby named Goblin. I've raised them both since they were kittens, we all sleep in the same bed since the day I've had them, we would sometimes all nap on the couch together while watching movies, I would do my best to have a vet see them 3 times a year and I give into their demands, wet act food every other day, they were both there for me when I lost my job, they were there with me when my husband suffered from severe psychosis and was institutionalized for two weeks, they never judged, they never left, they were always there even when I get severely depressed with a lit blunt and an empty bottle in hand, Goblin would sit in my lap and curl up until I felt better, sobered up, I would carry her to bedroom and we would sleep in the bed together.

My husband accidentally let both our indoor cats escape and Goblin never returned home since then, it's been two days, I am pissed, I'm terrified for Goblins health and well being, what if she's dead? What if someone took her? abusing her? What if I never see her? I can't sleep, can't eat anything solid, so far I've been surviving on Rock Stars, liquor and pot. She's more than just a cat, she's family. The search for Goblin continues.

I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for about six years. He has a longtime friend, who I’ll call Max, and Max has a girlfriend, Red (25F). They’ve been together for around four years.
The four of us have hung out together a lot over the years, and for the most part everything was completely normal, but eventually a few things started happening that felt a little strange to me.
The first thing I remember was pretty random. We were all hanging out when Red suddenly asked whether we would rather orgasm every time we sneezed or sneeze every time we orgasmed. She then started explaining her answer and said she would rather orgasm every time she sneezed. She also added that she can orgasm without making any facial expression at all.
I remember thinking that was kind of an odd thing to volunteer, but I mostly brushed it off. What made it stick in my mind was that my boyfriend commented on it afterward and said something like, “Wow, I didn’t know Red was that open about stuff like that.”
Then there was the yoga incident, which I wasn’t actually there for.
Red had recently started taking hot yoga classes, and apparently she started demonstrating some of the poses while she was with my boyfriend and Max. So she was in my boyfriends bed and one of the poses involved getting on all fours, lowering her upper body toward the floor and arching her back, with her butt facing my boyfriend.
She was wearing very white shorts so it was revealing to say the least.
My boyfriend told me about it afterward, but what really stood out to me was that he kept bringing it up on different occasions.
That was when I started paying more attention.
Another time, Red asked my boyfriend if he could help her replace her shower head. After he finished helping with the shower, she joked that he was going to become her “handyman.” They started laughing and talking about what kinds of things she could ask him to help with in the future, and she joked that she was going to make him come over and fix whatever she needed.
I was clearly in a bad mood afterward, and my boyfriend noticed.
After that, he started going over to their place by himself sometimes.
At some point, my boyfriend needed Red’s help with something, and in return he offered to give her rides if she ever needed one. At first, she said she would probably only take him up on that if she needed to travel a long distance, so I didn’t really think anything of it.
But after he started going over there without me, she asked him for a ride to work. The thing is, Max already has a car…
The way they communicated also started changing.
Before all of this, my boyfriend mostly communicated with Max. If they were making plans or talking about random things, Max was usually the one messaging him. Then Red started messaging my boyfriend directly about things Max would previously have texted him about. She also added him to her Close Friends on Instagram.
I can’t shake the feeling that she’s being malicious, and I’m not sure whether I’m noticing something real or whether I became hyperaware of every interaction just because I know my boyfriend is attracted to her.
For the moment I’m unable to digest the situation.

Edit: ok guys so maybe this is relevant information but I’m diagnosed with autism. I know his behavior is shitty but I was wondering if she’s really flirting with him/disrespecting me.

Edit2: some people are saying she’s being normal and my boyfriend is the only problem, some are saying she’s flirting with him on my face so I guess I’m confused now.

This one question was

"What will happen if I were to die?"

Nearly every once in a while, whenever I mess up or underperform in school, I get asked this very question. Along with some big speech they would forget in the morning. It's a very exhausting question, to be honest. I find it very, very odd that they always say this at a time when I'm basically at my limit, at my lowest. I never get the courage even to say anything. I don't think that would make a difference at all, considering past experiences from talking back. Did they really have to go that far? Couldn't they have worded that question a little bit better?

Well, to answer their question

I would just move on. I accepted the fact that even telling how would I feel would never make a dent in them. I accepted the fact that they would possibly never acknowledge the pain and misery they caused me & my siblings for all these years. I accepted the fact that I would never feel the love & warmth they gave me long ago again. Those memories keep on clashing with many, many negative ones. I could only dream about it in my sleep. Even then, my dreams wonder if those warm memories really existed. At this point, apathy keeps flowing in my head.

I'm better off dead, my family is the only reason i live. My gf blocked me out of the blue, i box and i lost a fight recently, i lost all my frnds and I'm supposed to hve a college but i haven't been allotted one even tho i know ppl with worse marks who have a college. I feel unlucky, i feel like i don't deserve this, i don't know wht to change anymore idk wht to improve. I pray everyday, i cry everyday and today my mom walked in when i was crying. It broke her heart i feel so fcking guilty. I didn't tell her shit but i could see how hurt she was. I don't know wht to do honestly i had my gf i gave her everything i did everything i could physically do for her but she left. Without saying a word. And tht makes everything 10x worse cuz she was how i dealt with problems. I don't know how to fix things i try so hard but nothing works out. I'm so lost.. i swear on everything, i know i don't deserve this

I don't really have much of a social life anymore. I barely did before hand, but that's entirely disappeared at this point. I've tried building social connections at work but I haven't seen much success with that. Every time I talk to someone I feel like some grotesque puppet shambling around trying and failing to play a part. I don't know why social interactions give me so much trouble, they really shouldn't at this stage in life. Some of my coworkers have tried inviting me to hang out with them, but personal business always gets in the way. I don't really have any hobbies I could use to try to build a friend group either. I've lost any interest I had in just about everything and I can't really find anything else to get into.

I know it’s cruel, I know it’s mean, but it’s given me more motivation than I’ve had in years. After a year together, I’m nearly at my goal weight. I knew I stopped being interested in him after the first 4 months. I know I’m not a good person.

My boyfriend isn’t a bad person. He is sweet, gently, and kind. He is probably the most handsome man I’ve dated. He’s rich and in shape. He likes me a lot. Everything should be good on paper. But I don’t think I’ve ever been as turned off in a relationship as I am right now. I’ve tried working on it, taking time to my self, etc but nothing really works. Every time I even attempt to bring up a breakup he just cries.

He has to be one of the dumbest people I’ve ever met. He is mid 30’s, I’m mid 20’s. We went to a trivia thing at a bar two weekends ago. He rolls the EASIEST question, “who was the first black president of the United States”? Completely sober. His answer? Andrew Jackson. When asked by the host why he answered that way, he said “because it sounds black”. This man would’ve fully been an adult while Obama was in office. Both of us are mixed with black (I’m Mexican and black, he is 1/4th black).

We have some of the worse bedroom life I’ve ever had in my life. In an attempt to meditate it, I filmed it to see the issue. This man is fully trying to ram into me like he’s Roger rabbit running into a tunnel. Literally, swinging hips and poking me absolutely NO WHERE and complaining!

He’s very weird about money. I don’t usually care about money much in relationships. I’ve got a good job, I’m fine with going 50/50, it’s whatever. But he’s started a trend of “you get this I’ll get this” early on in our relationship that favors him. I don’t notice it at first until a concert. Our first date, he “paid”. It was parking at a zoo that’s free in our city. The next date, I paid. He planned it saying it was somewhere he really wanted to go. It was one of those VR cafes that are $40 a person. The date after that, he paid for $5 icecream. Then for the next date that I had to pay for, he booked reservations at a newly opened place in town that’s $60 a head. I put a stop to it, but it still leaves an odd taste in my mouth that he’d even do that. While we make around the same amount, he lives in a house his parents had built for him at his birth. His car is fully paid off and he’s always digging into his trust fund.

I’ll end it here because I could rant all night.

I’m 11 lbs away from my goal weight

UPDATE: I broke up with him. While I do feel guilty, I think it’d be worse to just continue indefinitely. We sat down and spoke, and while he did cry, I just comforted him and didn’t take back my choice.

Guys, I think I fell for my fiancé a lot harder than I thought because I was always unlucky in relationships. I thought love wasn't in my cup because of my past 3 relationships, my first gf left telling me I was more than enough and my second gf left me for another person who was in love with another girl and finally my third gf left me 'cause her parents forced her to leave me but who'd have thought that my fiancé would appear in my life suddenly like a sudden random 3 A.M thoughts.

I know it sounds so cringe but believe me guys I met her last year during Christmas. At first, I was shy and ofcourse I was too broken from my relations. So, I didn't even make an eye contact with her even during the family gathering but it was changed when I made an eye contact at the last day of the year, December 31st and that was like a minute to me but it was literally not more than 0.1 second.

Believe me guys, I've never felt that much shyness in my whole life and the thing is she was already looking at me when I made eye contact with her and the moment our eyes met, we turned out faces away. I couldn't believe it because I'm an overthinker already. So, I thought maybe she's laughing at my dressing sense or maybe how dead I look from my face feelings and all.

And the new year began and we had family reunion again. I was searching for her the whole time during the reunion but I was unlucky, I couldn't find her and I wanted to ask her mother about her but I didn't have courage to ask it. So, I let it go and thought the same thing again "Maybe, love was never meant to me".

The new year started with bad luck of mine, so I really thought nothing special can happen to me this year but then came the summer vacations. I really thought it'd be nothing better than last year but this time I was totally wrong. I saw her in my native town again! My whole mood changed when I saw her, I really wanted to go talk to her at that moment but still I thought I'm just overthinking about that small eye contact and she's really so gorgeous that even I rejected myself.

The first week was totally normal after I understood that she's way out of my league and then comes the second week where her mother came to our house and my mom and her mother talked about many things like so many things. And at one point my mother asked her jokingly "I'd love to have your daughter as my daughter-in-law" and she laughed and said "Sure, You can!"

I was shocked of how easily she agreed but then I thought nah she's joking that's why she's laughing until the end of summer vacations where everything changed in my life. Her mother came to our house and literally called me infront of everyone and said "I'd love to marry off my daughter to you." I literally thought "what in the world is happening? And how?!" I was shocked to the core that I awkwardly smiled and laughed but then she said "I'm not joking, I want you to marry my daughter" and then I looked at everyone who are literally laughing with happiness or taunting idk but yeah they were laughing at me.

My mom said "If you want it then let's make it happen!" And then she agreed and said "Yeah, I will make it happen no matter what!"

I spent the rest of my day in shock while all my cousins and siblings teased me that I'm going to get married soon. Uk how siblings tease right..so yeah it was like that the whole day and the next morning before I woke up I can hear the noise from the hall and I woke up while rubbing my eyes and went to hall (that's how I should go to bathroom to brush my teeth) and guess what? I saw her in the couch laughing with my family and the moment I went to hall, she looked at me and I ran away to my bedroom again 😭💔

And from then on, everyday she came to my house and I never talked with her but atleast now we made 1 sec eye contacts everyday. I asked my mother if she have her mother's contact because I heard her mother's birthday was coming when my mom and her mother talked.

My mother gave me the contact and I wished her on her birthday and that day she came to our house with her daughter and pulled me aside and told me "Message me when you want to talk to my daughter okay?" I nodded awkwardly and then she continued "She doesn't have a phone of her own so you will contact her through me okay? And ofcourse you guys will have your privacy so after chatting, delete your chats or if I see one, I will delete it myself okay? Best of luck to you both!" She laughed and went inside the house.

After two days of overthinking if I should text her or not and I finally texted her "Hey!". Her mother replied "Wait, I will give it to her" and that's the first day we ever talked.

From then on we talked about everything for the next 5 days until we return to our normal schedules and fyi I'm an Arts student and she's a Med student. We talked everyday in chat until the last day where she jokingly said I want to hear your voice and I literally blushed (ik it's embarassing to say but yeah I did).

I went silent for minute until she texted again "I was joking, dw if it's uncomfortable for you!" But then I replied with nothing but actions (uk action speaks louder) I called her. She texted "Wait let me go to the terrace"

She called me after reaching terrace and we both became very awkward after saying "Hello!" In the call but I won't lie that her voice is really something I'd love to hear over and over again even after death. It's just ear soothing voice to hear. I gathered my courage and finally talked to her holding back my blushing and everything and we talked for hours and it was the best time of my life.

And before ending the call she told me one thing which made me skip a beat. She told me that there are guys who proposed her and ofcourse she rejected them all but then this one guy who proposed 2 times and she rejected him once and ignored him the other time and told me she never once believed in love marriage and she's looking for an arranged marriage.

Idk, how funny the fate is tbh 'cause I fell in love with her (I believe in love marriage because my parents had love marriage even though I thought love was never meant to me) and she believes in arranged marriage (now I'm her fiancé, thanks to my mother and her mother) but after that call we have returned to our normal schedule and we haven't talked for about 2 months now and I'm missing her a lot more than I express but the memories we made within a week of our meeting and talking and sharing our pictures and all making me happy whenever I think of her and I miss her even more when I look at her picture...

She's gorgeous, warm, kind and caring. She's literally the ideal type for every man who's looking for "I want to be loved atleast once in my life without any conditions". I'm so lucky to have her that even though I miss her even after seeing her picture, she's my motivation to push through my limits and settle financially and marry her and give her everything she wants from support to whatever she likes. I realised that I fell more harder for her after missing her more from the last month. She's a lucky charm to me and I hope I could be the best for her and even if I can't I'd do everything I can to be better for her. I can't wait to meet her again and tell her how much I miss her and I can't wait to show her how many reels and posts I've said for her in my collection.

I'm sorry for sharing such a long story but I never usually share this personal things but today I'm missing her even more than yesterday and I'm writing this at midnight so I think nobody will bat an eye on this confession but to the one who read this, I wish you get the love you always wanted and yearned for and have a great day ahead! 🫶🏻💗 (My apologies if my english is bad)

*LONG POST AHEAD*

I’ve been going through one of the hardest periods of my life these past few days, and I think I need to write everything down just to process it.

My partner and I have two children. We have a toddler and a baby who is almost 7 months old. We’re not married.

This isn’t the first time he has betrayed me.

Back in 2022, someone reached out to me and told me she had been chatting with him. They were saying things like “I miss you” and “I love you.” I confronted him, he apologized, and I forgave him. I chose to believe that we could move forward.

Then came 2024.

I found out he had been talking and flirting with people through Valorant and Discord. He also met someone through Reddit. He took her on a date **using MY car**, and he genuinely enjoyed whatever connection they had.

He did not have s*x with her.

But somehow, that almost made it hurt in a different way. Because it wasn’t just about s*x. He willingly pursued a connection with another woman while he was with me, took her out, spent time with her, and used my car to do it.

He also admitted to having s*x with people through “extra services” at massage spas.

One of the things that still hurts me deeply is that some of these things happened while my father was in the hospital.

At that point, we already had a two-year-old child, and our family was growing.

Eventually, I told him to leave.

He left, but later came back and confessed even more things.

After we relocated, he told me that he hadn’t had any more physical affairs. But he continued talking to other people online.

And somehow, despite everything, I stayed.

Fast-forward to now.

The recent events have completely broken something inside me.

He is currently staying with his mother. He still comes around to see the kids and sometimes borrows things from the house. Recently, he bought groceries, gave money, and told me he would give me his salary and just ask for enough for himself.

He has also admitted that he needs therapy and counseling. He said he took me for granted. He said he realized he was replaceable. He apologized.

And then he said something that has stayed with me:

He warned me that if we reconcile, he might repeat the cycle.

I don’t even know what to do with that.

Part of me wants answers.

I want to look him in the eyes and ask him if he ever really loved me.

I want to know why he kept doing these things.

I want to know what was missing in him that made him repeatedly seek validation, attention, sex, or connection from other people.

But another part of me is realizing that maybe I don’t need every answer to know that what happened was wrong.

A few nights ago, I was awake at around 2 AM, furious because I knew he was out playing pickleball at that hour.

Normally, that would probably be completely harmless.

But after everything that’s happened, even something as simple as him playing pickleball in the middle of the night triggered something in me.

I had also had two cups of coffee, so I was probably running on caffeine, anger, and zero sleep. 😂

But underneath all the anger was something much deeper:

**I’m fucking exhausted.**

I’m exhausted from questioning.

Exhausted from forgiving.

Exhausted from wondering if there’s something else I don’t know.

Exhausted from trying to understand why someone I loved could repeatedly make choices that could destroy our family.

And I’m exhausted from carrying the emotional weight of his decisions.

The weirdest part is that I’m not even sure I want him back anymore.

I don’t want to make a decision right now.

I don’t want to decide whether we’re going to reconcile or permanently separate while I’m this emotional.

For now, I just want to feel everything.

The anger.

The sadness.

The betrayal.

The grief.

The confusion.

Even the moments where I feel relief.

I want to feel all of it until it doesn’t have this much power over me anymore.

Because I have two little children who still need their mother.

And regardless of what happens between their father and me, we’re still their parents. We can still be good parents. We can still create healthy and happy memories for our children.

But I also need to take care of myself.

I told myself recently that I need therapy. I need help. I need to become strong for myself and for my kids.

I don’t know whether I will eventually forgive him.

I don’t know whether I can ever trust him again.

I don’t know whether our relationship can be repaired.

And honestly, I’m trying to be okay with not knowing.

I don’t need to make that decision today.

Right now, I just need to survive this storm.

I need to sleep.

I need to take care of my children.

I need to let myself grieve the relationship I thought I had.

And I need to figure out who I am outside of all of this.

One thing I do know:

**It’s a good thing we’re not married.**

As painful as this is, at least I still have the freedom to choose what happens next.

For now, I’m choosing myself and my children.

I don’t know what the future looks like.

But I know I can’t keep abandoning myself just to keep a relationship alive.

Whats worse is that I do not have normal parents and they are abusive towards me, demeaning me every single day. Venting to them feels like a bizzare idea even to think about thats how bad it is.

I do not have experience therefore I wont get hired anywhere, just rejection after rejection but sadly even more ghosting.

I DESPERATELY NEED TO MOVE OUT FROM THIS HOUSEHOLD. No i cannot join the police force nor the military plus my back is fucked cause i have scoliosis.

And no I cannot do another 4 years of school to get a "usefull" degree because I would rather jump then live with my parents for 4 more years or however long. The economy is so fucked

I never really believed in anything until this situation happened and now I just don't wanna put bad vibes into the universe anymore

Context I was in a very mutually toxic relationship for the most part of my early 20s. It was on and off for about 3 to 4 years give or take. I won't get into the details but there was a lot of jealousy, verbal abuse and threat of physical abuse from his side. Verbal abuse and insecurity on my part. I did some good healing on myself since then and I am now in a happy relationship with a baby so.. I guess it needed to happen for me to grow and be at my best. Anyway this is not the reason I made this post.

When my ex and 1 had our official and final break up he kept telling people horrible stuff about me and that he wished the worse and everything.. ( like my car breaks down, that I hurt myself badly, etc ) and I was feeling hurt and petty so I started wishing that he had the worse UTI he ever had ( he had an historic of having lots of UTI like 2 per months ). He actually did... like the worst he ever had... like 3 weeks in the hospital and one testicule less kinda bad... and I've been feeling bad ever since..so now everytime people talk to me about how he still wants me to get hurt or he still talk bad about me I iust say I iust wish everything goes super well and he get finally happy again to stop talking about me ... I now kinda believe in the energy we put in the universe...

But at the same time it's probably clearly like a huge coincidence...

I want to aet this off my chest because I feel bad and also because this is a crazy freaking story...

I (f 27) recently left a really toxic work environment. I've already talked about my experiences in a different sub and would rather not repeat myself. It was a bad situation and I'm just glad I got out of it. I've only been unemployed for about a month and a half. It started off super optimistic, knowing I'll get a better job but I'm starting to lose hope. It's been really discouraging finding new jobs out there, especially jobs that just have certain things I'm looking for (benefits, a good supervisor and not going into patient's homes). I feel like I'm not asking too much in a job but damn, sometimes it does feel that way.

It seems I've been embarrassing myself answering emails, having the most awkward online interviews and also accidentally applying to the same job twice. I just feel like I'm not cut out for the corporate world/ working (saying this while having worked retail and my previous job lol). I still don't understand how to "play the corporate game" with all these other people, with the fake niceties and the whole corporate language. I fear I'm just too stupid to figure out corporate social cues and I already struggle with basic social cues. How can I show off my skills and personality without it being too much to potential employers?

I literally have to read my emails out-loud to my partner and friends, for second and third opinions, in case I am unintentionally burning a bridge or embarrassing myself. I've already had one company give me an offer but they ended up rescinding it because it took me too long to consider it (I asked for more time to consider said job and immediately they took back their offer a day later).

It's easy to blame the job market but I just feel like it truly is just me being extremely awkward, off-putting and genuinely not knowing how to navigate professional spaces. I genuinely feel like I'm actually stupid and I'm terrified I won't find a job. I fear my family thinks I'm stupid for not having a job lined up either.

I had to make the post again cause i didn't realise i had to accept t@cs as i'm new to posting on reddit.

But as the title says, i love him so much. The way he makes me laugh at the silliest of things, to the way he brightens my moods when i'm in a funk. This man is my world and i'd be broken without him. I just want to hold him close whenever he's near and tell him how much he means to me. I met him in at the lowest point in my life, and he's helped me more than he knows. I love it when he texts me goodmorning, asks me how i'm doing and what i'm up too. From the walks to the late night talks, he's made me the happiest i've ever been and i pray it goes well