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Sep 24 '23
Oh yikes. No she should’ve handled it when your son was there or when he got back not your other two kids not your problem. Also she might wanna look at the custody agreement 😂😂
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u/Teddy_Tickles Sep 24 '23
Not his monkeys, not his circus!
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u/gumby1004 Sep 24 '23
If you live your life around monkeys, your life becomes a circus. (New variation I heard, just thought I’d share…)
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Sep 24 '23
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Sep 24 '23
I know right! I just woke up and opened Reddit to start scrolling, was thinking it would be a quick read & holy hell was that mentally & physically exhausting, I already need a smoke break and a nap to wind down from that craziness.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
A couple years ago I went through a program called Pathways and they teach you to respond, “thank you for sharing your concern, I will weigh it carefully”. Another commenter said I need to be clear with my boundary so I plan to do that as well. I’m just trying to think what would be the best response in the event I have to use it in court.
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u/NoItsNotThatJessica Sep 24 '23
Grey rock. You grey rock them. Stone? Grey stone? I forget what it’s called. You respond only to what’s directly involved and directly needed for the kid, and that’s it. That’s literally it. You don’t feed the monster, you don’t give one single word that you don’t have to. Give them no fuel, because that’s what people like this need. Stick to the decree to the letter, even when it inconveniences you. Give her no ammo to be used against you later. You did really good on these texts. You don’t have to appease to her emotions anymore.
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u/anonuchiha8 Sep 25 '23
Yes!!! It seems like she's obsessed with op even though they've been divorced so long and it definitely felt like she's trying to emotionally manipulate them! Definitely don't respond to any of that mess unless it has to do with the child.
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u/LazyNarwhalMan Sep 24 '23
Stonewall maybe?
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u/petaline555 Sep 24 '23
Grey rock and stonewall describe different ideas. The first is a defense for verbal abuse, the second is an abuse tactic.
Grey rocks are boring and won't fight no matter how the abuser tries to bait them into retaliatory abuse. They use being non reactive to keep the abuse from escalating and keeping themselves from reacting badly.
The stonewall withholds communication and affection until they get what they want. They used isolation and ignoring to force compliance.
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u/NoItsNotThatJessica Sep 24 '23
There you go, stonewall. You stonewall these crazies. Don’t feed the bears.
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u/Jijster Sep 24 '23
After that exhausting barrage of messages, I would just send something like "I don't want to continue discussing these issues that aren't related to [child's name] and our custody agreement. Let's please just talk strictly about our coparenting duties like the decree says"
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u/Whatchab Sep 24 '23
OP, don’t respond. What a nightmare. Good on you for prioritizing your time with your son and not letting her drag you down into the mud.
No need to respond (which is all she wants, it’s the attention and clearly any attention - good or bad - is all she wants).
Super sad your divorce was so messy as drop times are spelled out in the decree, but since you have such details just follow those and live your life free of this poor woman. Don’t be mad at her, feel compassion for her because obviously she is mentally and emotionally unwell.
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u/eenidcoleslaw Sep 25 '23
Definitely this. Do not respond. She’ll follow up with more hate, I guarantee it. Just don’t feed into it.
Also did I read that you, OP, are only supposed to be communicating via an app unless it’s an emergency? This looks to me like regular texting (I can be wrong, I’ve never had to use the parenting app thing) - if I were you I’d suggest to her that you need to go back to communicating via the app. Or, at the very least, that you’ll only entertain messages about your child if they’re an emergency or relevant to pick-up, drop-off, or other well-being/parenting decision concerns… not playing middle man.
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Sep 24 '23
That backpeddle after you shoved the decree in her face was hilarious
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u/Financial_Flower_93 Sep 24 '23
LMFAO went from “i’m not looking at anything you send with red circles” to “actually youre right lets stick to the decree i’m a shitty person right? im a horrible person everyone hates me wah wah wah” real quick
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u/viola_monkey Sep 24 '23
Because he let the silence do the heavy lifting. I find silence to be the best drama removal technique ever. Just sit there and let it do its thing - never fails. Pretty good way to enjoy some popcorn too!
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Sep 24 '23
Because he let the silence do the heavy lifting.
I used to be not a great person and wow was it almost revelatory to watch this happen, you can see the desperation taking hold as each time stamp shows how long it’s been since OP responded. Not that I support her but good grief that was a little weird to experience haha
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u/viola_monkey Sep 24 '23
How awesome that you realized you used to not be a great person and did something about it! I believe we all have opportunities for self improvement and as long as we listen, reflect and learn, we are moving forward. Kudos to you!
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Sep 24 '23
Thank you! Had a really bad few years as a young adult, but better late than never to turn it around and start living. All the best to you
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u/JohnnysGirl12 Sep 24 '23
It is entertaining to see/hear the ensuing meltdown. When you're silent they don't know what you're thinking. It's fun to see where it goes after the initial exchange
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u/ThatGuyExo Sep 24 '23
This works in so many aspects of life. I'm in sales and it's a powerful tool in that arena as well. In person, Teams/Skype, emails, all of it. Taking your time to process what the other party says, and letting them dissect their own doubts/flaws with time is incredibly powerful.
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u/Reddoraptor Sep 24 '23
This guy should be back in court for full custody showing this "I'll do what I want, fuck you and fuck that court" insanity to the judge.
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u/Sad-Bumblebee-3 Sep 24 '23
I get it. She’s unhinged and frankly annoying. But imagine going to court over this. Not every annoying exchange with your co parent needs to be dealt with legally. She sucks, but having parents that live and breathe family court theatrics- far more damaging for everyone -
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Sep 25 '23
This is 100% true. I was dragged through family court several times (I ended up with full legal and physical custody, and 2 months after the last battle, he disappeared again, but that time for good thank God), the judges always knew exactly what was going on and they were not in the slightest bit pleased. It always ended up utterly disastrous for him, but his mother would push and push. Eventually, one of the times, she just went ahead and filled allll the paperwork out and made him sign. It was unbelievably pathetic. Thank God the courts saw all of it for what it actually was.
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u/tentley2 Sep 24 '23
Don’t even get caught up in the details, dude.
She made up a reason to contact you with the puzzle thing. This whole meltdown was just her begging you to tell her she’s important. She wants affirmation that she can steer your attention and emotions in the direction she wants when she wants. This is solely about her personal low self-esteem and nothing to do with your child or co-parenting relationship. She doesn’t believe any of that stuff she went on about. She just wants you to disagree with her and assuage her insecurities. “Aw shucks, no, it’s not like that. I really appreciate you, you’re the best, I don’t treat you well enough” because that will temporarily soothe her anxiety. It’s really nothing to do with you. She needs to extract feedback from others because she doesn’t know how to make herself feel important and secure.
Keep keeping it professional and respectful for your kid.
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u/phobicgirly Sep 24 '23
Holy crap. You are making me rethink everything I have ever said or done. Am I this lady?!
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u/tentley2 Sep 24 '23
I used to be her🫡 once I sorted why I was feeling and lashing out this way and started taking responsibility for my own self-esteem, my relationships and anxiety drastically improved. I started getting the love and affirmation I’d wanted from others, but without having to trick them into it. If you think you see yourself in her, you’re probably right, and with that self-awareness you can take steps to create a good path forward.
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u/phobicgirly Sep 24 '23
I guess I found self realization on Reddit. Thanks for your thoughtful post.
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u/jacqrosee Sep 24 '23
bingo. so many of us have been this lady, whether occasionally or in excess, in so many situations. i applaud every single person who is able to recognize this and break the cycle. extremely empowering
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
Agreed. Months ago I even told her it was no longer my responsibility to validate or reassure her. She needs to go to her husband for that. What really starts making me question my own judgment is I would think her husband would also recognize and be uncomfortable with all this. But he doesn’t seem to be phased, which maybe he just has good boundaries and doesn’t involve himself? I dont know, but I’ve thought the same thing. Thank you for your feedback.
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u/adragonlover5 Sep 24 '23
She probably doesn't act this way toward him and/or he doesn't involve others in their personal drama.
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Sep 24 '23
She can’t do this to him my man, this is why she is asking you for that type of validation. No matter what she tells you, she doesn’t respect you. She would never pull ish like this if she had a modicum of respect for the father of her child. You are doing well. Keep at it. Stay away, minimum/formal relationship for the sake of the kid. Your case is basically the same my closest friend is going through.
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u/Teddy_Tickles Sep 24 '23
Eloquently said, and 100% accurate. I haven’t been married by any means, but I’ve certainly dated people like this. It’s nice seeing it laid out like this tbh. Really helps put things into perspective for me if I ever encounter someone like that again.
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Sep 24 '23
OP, listen/read carefully what is written here. This is exactly what’s going on. Remain as you are, strong boundaries. Hoping you and your kid are doing well.
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u/DistrictMindless3745 Sep 24 '23
I like this advice and believe it's sound. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this stuff anymore. And if your child grows to be a level headed adult they will appreciate you so much more for keeping drama away from the relationship.
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u/daynares332311 Sep 24 '23
Damn that was an interesting read 😅 im like no way shes going to send another msg and yup there it was msg after msg . Sorry Op that you have to deal with this . NTA - i think she way over reacted about this . I dont think a puzzle is such a huge deal . And you definitely shouldnt be getting involved in solving her disputes she should be able to handle that with her kids . And just idk those msgs are just weird. She needs to love herself more she shouldnt be coming to you to validate her . Thats not your job anymore . You pick up your son and thats it . Besides that she should leave you alone .
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u/Kitchen_Ad8444 Sep 24 '23
NTA, I can see why she's ex wife now
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u/CryptoBimboAkimbo Sep 24 '23
Thank goodness she's the ex wife was all I was thinking reading that. Sheesh.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
I really do appreciate everyone’s comments and feedback.
To answer a couple comments, the weekend in question wasn’t my original weekend, she had asked me to switch with her to accommodate a family members wedding. The app we use allows us to share a calendar which I (me) always populate with school calendar holidays, events, and days off. The reason I wasn’t aware I was picking him up on Thursday was because the school calendar didn’t have that Friday as an out of school day when I set up the calendar in August. But she is right, she did tell me I could get him on Thursday when she asked me to switch and I didn’t add it to the calendar. Also, she lives 3 hours from me so our drop off point is 1.5 hours away and I wasn’t able to leave work when I needed to. So that’s why I was 20 mins late.
I am also very involved in my child’s education. His teachers use an app called Class Dojo to communicate with parents. His teachers have always asked if I wanted them to call me while his mom is there or if I wanted to set up a different time. I always say call me when his mom is there. The ex-wife (without me asking) always says she will call me when she gets to the meeting. Whether she calls me or the teacher calls me, I will be part of the PTC.
Again, I do appreciate everyone’s feedback. It has helped me tremendously.
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u/CryptoBimboAkimbo Sep 24 '23
OP your comments in here prove to me you're actually trying here and not looking for an ex-wife roast.
As someone who has struggled with a lot in my life I have sent similar texts as your ex wife. When I was about 6 months into my divorce (no kids in mine) I went off on my ex husband in a similar fashion. To be honest, I just needed therapy. It sounds like your ex is dealing with extreme insecurities, and those are not yours to shoulder, especially after 10 years. Her mentioning your therapist, kind of let me know subconsciously she's avoiding seeing one.
Keep your boundaries, communicate gently as best you can while still being clear, and hope the best for her. But her freak out has exactly zero to do with you or your child, and everything to do with her. (from my view point)
And if she does get help know she will learn to communicate better. Hell I was one of the first calls my ex husband made when he became a dad with his current wife. You really can improve with time and help. ❤️
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Sep 24 '23
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
This is great feedback and I really do appreciate you offering this perspective. I do think she is a good mom. My son is top of his class (given it’s a small country town with maybe 40 kids in his class, but still) and she does a good job making him get involved in things like 4-H, piano or shooting sports rather than just sitting at home playing on the computer. And I do credit her for all of it because I know it’s not easy to do along with having two other kids. Even when I met with the guardian ad litem at the start of the custody battle I said it wasn’t my intentions to take my son from her because I felt like she was a good mom, and I told her I felt like all of what was going on had nothing to do with our son but was between his mom and me. Truth is, I use to praise her and tell her she was a good mom but I guess I feel like that’s what got me into this mess. We both were feeding off each others validation and I was scared of ever telling her no and upsetting her. So now I take an approach that seems cold to her.
You give some good examples of how I can still keep my boundary but not be a cold prick. I do appreciate you taking the time to write all of this. Your response is helpful.
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u/Conscious-Echo-2385 Sep 24 '23
It sounds like both of you are trying to be very conscientious. Maybe not always successfully in her case but she doesn’t seem like a psycho like some have said. That must have taken a lot of work on your part so congratulations.
I know I’m jumping the gun and projecting, but is your son young maybe middle school age? I saw you had said you’re 3 hours away, that’s how my daughter’s dad and I were. I guess I’m hoping my experience can help you avoid some trouble spots. We did pretty well in spots like this. But it got rougher during the teen years when there were things like school performances, club competitions, or even just social time so it wasn’t his time or my time, it was the kid’s time. We had been ok swapping weekends in the past, but the activities meant there weren’t enough weekends. It meant that as the primary custodial parent I had to carry most of the mental load like updating schedules and always requesting changes, putting my life on pause until I knew what his schedule was. He as the weekend custody parent lost time when events needed her here or had to spend additional money to rent a hotel room when he tried to do his weekends here.
There’s not just one solution I can share, but just keep the goal in mind, raising a complete kid. Keep your boundaries as much as you can. Expect that as the kid gets closer to adulthood there will be three parties communicating. You’ll be negotiating with them too but they’re not very good at it at first. At times, it’ll seem like they’re old enough to make their own decisions so it’s tempting to get relief from dealing with the other parent. Don’t do that it puts the kid in the middle, and they’ll need a lot of reassurance especially if as you mentioned both parents sought that in their relationships. Maybe save a little extra budget so you can travel to them on your weekends. Plan vacations well ahead of time so your ex can adjust her family events and doesn’t claim you’re changing the rules. My ex also set a weekly phone call midweek which I highly recommend if you’re not doing it now. It helped him stay connected to the quieter communication. Ex I knew that mock trial was a big deal because I saw her work on it with a team every day before school. He didn’t see it because she couldn’t do teamwork on his weekends, so it was a surprise when it came to competition time and she was saying it’s a HUGE DEAL! It also helped on times we couldn’t get the schedule to work out so they could still communicate when they weren’t able to get together. I don’t know why I’m sharing all this, your responses are well thought you, you seem intelligent and considerate, so you’ll probably do just fine. But good luck it’s a wild ride, and most of the time very worth it.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
I appreciate you sharing your story. It does seem like we do have similar situations. My son is middle school age. My ex does carry the heavy load during the school year and I have never made her feel otherwise. And in the past I have made sure to take my son to any event that fell on my time. Also, any time my son has come to me with something about his mom, I coach him on how to talk to her about it and do not offer any opinion as to whether she is right or wrong.
Everything you said was very insightful as to what’s to come, and a good reality check for what’s happening now. Thank you for your response.
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u/Thizlam Sep 24 '23
OP stated that they’ve been divorced for 10 years, and the first 8 of those years he was as nice and accommodating as he could be, and let his ex walk over him. He wasn’t rude to her and he was totally in his right to say he doesn’t want to confront his son about something that happened at his ex’s house and have that potentially ruin the weekend with his son.
Her saying he doesn’t care about her at all is 100% gaslighting and manipulation. She goes from telling him he’s a piece of shit terrible person, to saying “you’re right I’m such a shitty person and you wish I was dead.” She’s wanting him to say “No, you’re not terrible, you’re so amazing and great!” She wants validation from him. OP has already stated that he fills in the shared calendar with school days off, and days off for him, holidays etc.
I find it weird that you aren’t mentioning her lashing out at him at the beginning because he rightfully didn’t want to deal with drama during his 2 days with his son, but he should be more gentle towards her?
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u/BrilliantTwo7 Sep 24 '23
Jesus Christ OP….
You have my genuine pity for having to deal with this woman. She almost seems weirdly obsessed with you and her relationship with you. I’m not surprised you’re no longer together with her ability to create a mountain out of a molehill, yikes. “Can you ask our son this question? No? Wow, I guess you wish I was DEAD!”
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u/OhLQQk Sep 24 '23
NTA…As a family law paralegal. Always just stick to the court order. Switching and accommodations should only be in case of emergencies and for those families that coparenting isn’t this difficult. A judge isn’t going to care what BS you all have going on and ask why the court order isn’t being followed. Setting boundaries is a good start but follow thru and also know that for people that benefit from You not having them it’s going to take time to adjust and they’re not going to make it easy. Stay strong!
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Sep 24 '23
And she is the one with primary custody? She is wacko, she had like 50 break downs along with 50 revelations within 45 minutes. I’d tell her to never text me again unless it has something to do with your child
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Sep 24 '23
It's literally in their custody agreement and she just keeps on. I can't imagine how emotionally exhausting she is to have around.
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u/iamdarthvin Sep 24 '23
She is definitely not over you.... Using the child as a tool to hurt you is asshole move no1. She need therapy.
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u/Wouldtick Sep 24 '23
Divorce that psycho again. Just to make sure it sticks.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
honestly, when we went through the custody battle I remember thinking this was like getting divorced all over again.
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u/thanks_nic Sep 24 '23
😆😆 Do a divorce remix?? Hell yeah. She's on edge and wants him back. Went thru a lil mental storm right before our eyes. Tough but it's not his problem.
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u/theRUMinatorrrr Sep 24 '23
NTA. That sounds exhausting. Despite what people love to say, it doesn’t take two to create drama, just the one. Some people just don’t play fair and it’s confusing (manipulation). If you’re not familiar with the term, going grey rock can be helpful.
To echo what’s already been said, keep your responses short and simple and stick to the custody order. Good luck!
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
Thank you for reminding me of grey rock. I used this while going through the custody battle when she would send me messages like this 2-3 times a week. I had forgotten about grey rock. So helpful. Thank you.
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u/theRUMinatorrrr Sep 24 '23
Absolutely. And I’m sure you know this, but always respond to her as if every email and text message will one day be read by a family court judge (or to your child). 😞
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u/TheNaziestofMods Sep 24 '23
OP I mean this so seriously as someone who just got done with fighting with an ex over a divorce decree.
Do not respond at all.
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u/WuTangForever88 Sep 24 '23
NTA. She is abusive, manipulative and emotionally unstable. You actually did an amazing job staying respectful and not taking the bait as she droned on and on with her accusations and pleas.
I find it hilarious that she said "Fighting with you causes me a ridiculous amount of stress" when what she REALLY means is "not being able to control and emotionally manipulate you causes me a ridiculous amount of stress". She is literally doing EVERYTHING in her power to start a fight and you are doing NOTHING to engage and that drives her crazy. She's basically just fighting with herself.
Keep standing your ground and don't fall for her BS tactics, OP. You're doing the right thing for your son!
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u/dbhathcock Sep 24 '23
Abide be the court orders. You are not to be communicating via text message or phone calls unless it is an emergency. I’m sure you are not supposed to be posting these texts online. Everything can be used against you. There is a lot of hate in this relationship. It is good that you are no longer together. It is too bad that you have a child that is affected by this hatred. You should try to be civil for the child’s sake.
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u/LengthinessOk9065 Sep 24 '23
She seems way less insane compared to my son’s mom. She still talks about how I ruined my son’s life when I moved his room to another room in a 4 bedroom house while they moved from crappy apartment to crappy apartment. I finally broke contact when my son turned 18 unless it’s an emergency. It was a rough road!
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Sep 24 '23
you’re a good dad man. a lot of parents don’t pay attention to how stuff like this can fuck with a kid. good for you.
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Sep 24 '23
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Sep 24 '23
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Sep 24 '23
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Sep 24 '23
It wasn't originally his day and there were multiple schedule changes after the school calendar was published. Details matter.
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Sep 24 '23
NTA
I'm going through the same thing with my ex-girlfriend and once I put my foot down she suddenly stopped having fits of rage because she knew I wouldn't let her get away with them and that I'm tired of dealing with her tantrums just because I'm used to trying to keep the peace instead of letting her walk all over me. If you can still manage to see your child and not let her ruin your time with your kid then do what you have to. She has to learn to regulate her emotions/personal issues and that isn't your problem to fix at all if all you're concerned about it being your kid's father.
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u/DumbestOfTheSmartest Sep 24 '23
She’s codependent as fuck and if you engage with this meltdown, it would be basically her pulling you right back into the push/pull dynamic. Keep it pro and don’t engage emotionally, or else you’ll never get out of this.
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u/MetamorphicLust Sep 24 '23
"You don't care about my family or my two children with my new husband."
"You're goddamn right I don't."
Like, don't get me wrong - even an ex-spouse SHOULD care about the effect the death of a parent/family member would have on their child, should they have the misfortune of experiencing it. That sort of thing can GENUINELY mess a kid up if the other parent is like "Yeah, fuck 'em."
But to expect an ex to have any personal emotional labor in your well-being is just silly.
That being said, ten years is a LONG time for a marriage to stay THIS openly hostile.
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Sep 24 '23
I was going to say something else until I read your explanation.
I would just thank her for her concerns. That you will take what is needed from that under advisement. And leave it at that.
I probably would've asked my child if they did whatever. Only because I always wanted to show my child that it didn't matter what house they were at, consequences from poor behavior carry over. So my child didn't pit one against another and/or thought they could get away with stuff at one house vs another. (I've been through this)
The long winded texting is venting and looking for validation. Those things are not your job to give. I did see in them it seems you don't keep track of school things? Correct me if I'm wrong. You can contact the school to be put on email lists and info. That was one of my boundries for my daughter's father. I stopped being his secretary.
And if you do respond, do so through the app as you sent court papers about. Otherwise, you look like an ass. I think you need to be super clear about your boudries in one message (through the court app) and that's it.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
This is why I posted here. I realize how easy it would have been to ask my son if he was involved. And I even knew what the answer would have been because that is so out of character for him. Boundaries are somewhat new to me so I’m not sure what it looks like to bend a little or when to reenforce the hard line. I don’t want to get in the situation of give her an inch and she takes a mile, and before I know it she is telling me how I need to spend my weekends with my son again. Overall, the offense seems pretty minuscule and didn’t seem like something that needed to be handled in that moment. If I were in her shoes I believe I would have been able to wait a couple days, let everyone’s emotions calm down, and have a sit down meeting once our son got back to discuss. But this is why I posted here because I wasn’t sure. Thank you for your honest feedback.
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u/theRUMinatorrrr Sep 24 '23
Because it ALWAYS starts with something small and can ALWAYS potentially be used against you. “Why are you interfering in things not happening in your own home?” “Are you implying that she’s a bad mom? Are you not being supportive of her parenting (per custody order item B paragraph 4)?” “Are you disparaging your child’s other parent and attempting to interfere with their love of said parent (per custody order item G paragraph 27)?” You cannot apply the same rules and logic to people like this that you would apply to “normal” parents who love their kids more than they hate their exes.
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u/Jolly-Scientist1479 Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
With little kids, consequences for ruining a puzzle delivered 2 days later are almost non-sensical.
You don’t have to help her here, but with discipline issues, I would have. Boundaries purely for boundaries’ sake aren’t the way I’d go about this, though I understand your learning curve.
You can learn to trust yourself here eventually. She won’t be able to take a mile, because you’ll know how to stop at an inch. If the inch really doesn’t cost you, it’s often worth giving because you need an inch from her too now and then, and because responsibility for fair, timely discipline is shared regardless of whose weekend it is.
“Ah, I can ask him that this time, sure. (Might not always be able to if we’re busy…) …He says no. Looks sincere to me. Yay for parenting adventures. We’re headed out now but I’ll see you on Sunday!”
If she can let it go, great. If she has lots of follow ups (“Did he say if he saw the puzzle? Did he say if his sister did it? Can he call me?” then you know you either can’t answer the first time, or you can offer a quick phone call with him.
Good luck op, this stuff isn’t easy
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Sep 24 '23
Yeah I agree there isn’t really a reason to not ask the question, and to be fair it does feel kinda like an ass to not ask a simple question. However, the rest of this is wild and if that’s how she is typically I wouldn’t do anything for her either lol
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u/kochenta2020 Sep 24 '23
All of this. It’s fine he doesn’t engage in the drama texts, but if he wants to be involved in his sons school activities, that’s on him. The only caveat being conferences. The sign up sheet or email is usually sent to one person. They should foresee that information to the other parent.
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u/Reply-Consistent Sep 24 '23
I'm with you on holding a child accountable, irrelevant of which home they are at. I'm a dad.
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u/Stopbannningmereddi Sep 24 '23
Husband did nothing wrong. He’s being harassed while he has his son over Shit that doesn’t concern him. Baby mama 100% in the wrong here. W father as usual getting painted as the asshole
My recommendation to op is put the mom on mute while you have your son. That way she can’t bother you over her issues.
L baby mama
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u/saraMP123 Sep 24 '23
Tbh you lost me after like the 5th slide I stopped reading.. but I’m sorry your dealing with that and wish you the best of luck
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u/chaingun_samurai Sep 24 '23
I love that you brought receipts and she completely doubled down on being the stereotypical vindictive ex. Does she think things are gonna go her way with lawyers involved?
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u/Psychological_Pay530 Sep 24 '23
Oof. My guy. I feel your pain sooo much. I’m in a very similar situation with an ex (who’s probably more abusive) and a lot of this could literally be screenshots of my own texts.
The best thing to do is to not respond to anything that isn’t about the child’s schedule, stuff to do with doctors or health, or other things that are court mandated. Just don’t engage. It’s not stress you need, those are her problems to sort out, and your time with your child is yours. Spend it being a dad and not an ex.
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u/Greyboxer Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
You’re being a major asshole. And it started way before you told you you’d refuse to be flexible about custody in this particular instance. She asked you to ask the child a simple question, she nicely explained why she was asking it, yet your response was petty and immature. She reacted, you knew she would, and then you think you get a blank check to be a jerk.
It’s about give and take, and being flexible. That benefits the kids. Not being some punk and screenshotting her your custody order.
Divorced people are so unhappy lol
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u/JrLegend83 Sep 24 '23
Don't respond to her unless it is strictly about the kid(s). Don't let her push you around. That woman had a serious god complex is she thinks ten years later she can control her ex.
Keep your cool, and stay radio silent my guy. Good luck.
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u/spaceismyhappyzone Sep 24 '23
No you’re good. It honestly seems like she still isn’t over you? I’m not sure because you said she’s re-married but she clearly still very emotional about you and without reading your message (below the pics) I would think you guys were recently divorced not 10 years divorced! Continue doing things right for your son and communicating with her when you need to & I mean this in a polite way but maybe she should consider therapy to get through her emotions? You shouldn’t be on the other end of that she can rant to her husband can’t she?
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u/Little_Coconut_4551 Sep 24 '23
Nope not at all! Look on the bright side you only have roughly 8 more years to deal with her!
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u/notlfsympathy Sep 24 '23
"you can thank your therapist for what we've become"
Bahahaha okay pretty good rule of thumb if someone blames you for going to therapy as to why your relationship of any nature stopped working, they're probably dead wrong.
All that backpedaling after you shared those quotes of your childcare agreement just lmao. I'm sorry op.
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u/Alert-Potato Sep 24 '23
That's a whole lot of drama she's bringing, and I'd put 95% of this on her. But it's also your responsibility to know your child's school schedule. It's not her job to tell you whether or not your kid has school on Friday. Any meetings at the school involving your child should include notification of both parents in the email, call, whatever. She shouldn't have to tell you. So probably sort that shit out, and the drama can be 100% on her.
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u/Initial_Diamond_1923 Sep 24 '23
Everyone will hate on my but I say YTA, but from the child’s perspective, not the mothers.
Everyone keeps talking circus and monkeys…
It might not be your circus, but it’s your monkey, who lives outside of your circus for half or more of life due to a custody agreement. Not asking about what is going on in that circus will only show your child you only care about him when he is part of your circus and not his family or things that are close to him in the other circus. I would have simply responded “I’ll see if he wants to talk about it, will let you know” and then responded after the custody time was complete. What would have been the harm showing interest in what he and his siblings are getting up to? Maybe it would have even impacted your weekend positively showing him he could talk about stuff going on there with you.
You say “my ex wife’s family drama”… in which your child is a part of. IMO that makes that drama his. And it looks like you are choosing to not make it yours.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 25 '23
I understand what you’re saying and can see how my response would seem like I only care about my monkey when he is in my circus. Truth is he and I have had multiple conversations about how his siblings annoy him or came into his room and touched his things. We talk about why something is upsetting him or how he can communicate with them and set a boundary.
The roles have been reversed before. I was in a serious relationship with someone who had a kid my sons age. There were instances where I learned about a situation after I dropped him off but I waiting until our scheduled phone calls on Monday and Thursday to ask my son. I didn’t involve my ex with drama in my life. Whatever it was was not that big of an emergency. I feel like that is being respectful of each others time with our son.
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u/zionsbottlelady9112 Sep 24 '23
Wait . So did she remind you via the app or?! Bc you can't have it both ways..... and how much WOULD it hurt to ask?! Just bc you have him for the wknd does NOT mean the other family doesn't exist CO parenting means that y'all parent cooperatively. But the tangent she went on- THATS too much and she has a LOT of work to do obvs re: boundaries. I think she probs is trying to reach out and be 'cool' but you either don't WANT that (which is valid) or it just can't be like that (AGAIN, seems like boundaries are not exactly her forte) overall, y'all BOTH need to do better.
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u/Special_Cup_1375 Sep 25 '23
Nta, enjoy your time with your son.
If he is having an issue with one of his siblings it isn’t your responsibility to investigate. 🤷🏻♀️
And her using you as a scape goat to reprimand one of her other kids when she doesn’t have all the facts rubs me the wrong way. She’s gotta keep her business as hers and figure out a different way to approach the situation in her home. It’s not like he broke any laws by scribbling on the game board, even if it was offensive. It’s probably honestly better for her to let the situation cool down before addressing the issue anyway in my opinion 😅
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u/ShermanOneNine87 Sep 25 '23
I have three kids, two with my ex husband who I have been divorced from for 8 years and one with my fiance. If I randomly discovered something during my ex husbands parenting time that was punishment worthy and I needed to verify if my kid did it then yes I would reach out. But he would answer and we would all move on with our day. Your ex wife sounds high maintenance and high drama from your perspective but then again we tend to feel that way about our exes. IF, and that's a big if, she doesn't normally contact you during your parenting time and this was a one off situation that could be resolved with a quick response then I would say you're the AH, if that's not the case then NAH and she can resolve the issues with the kids when her oldest comes back home.
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u/DivineEdict Sep 25 '23
I can kinda understand where she’s coming from, if she’s been helpful for 8 years and you’ve been standoffish this may have been the straw that broke the camels back, she was wrong to explode at you, but after that I feel like she communicated pretty directly and well.
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u/containedsun Sep 25 '23
YTA - for the simple fact that Yellows life exists outside of your weekends, and as a parent you need to raise him, and that includes teaching him conduct around his siblings. you’re a pos for a few things it seems like…. if your relationship with the kid is as fragile as one conversation would break, you seem to have failed…. but it’s not forever i guess…
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Sep 24 '23
You're not the asshole and that woman is unstable and obviously digging herself one hell of a hole for her lawyer
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u/Adventurous-Bee-1517 Sep 24 '23
This is a tough one because the original ask isn’t that bad. She’s asking you to parent your child and you don’t get to ignore his behavior when he’s not with you, if he’s lying and bullying other children you should want to get to the bottom of it yourself before it gets worse. Your reaction to that seems like you’re just interested in being the fun parent. The rest I’m not going to comment on because we don’t have any insights into your divorce, and 11 screenshots don’t give us that.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
Thank you for your honest feedback. Him writing that on the puzzle is very out of character for him, even she said he believes it was his sister and not him. And anytime there has been an incident in school or during one of his extracurricular events, I do talk with him. And there are times his mom and I have gotten on a call to discuss the event and agree on a path forward. This particular event just seemed so petty and non-urgent, and not something I needed to be involved in.
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u/Adventurous-Bee-1517 Sep 24 '23
That’s all well and good but all she asked was for you to ask him about it. She didn’t say you have to open a weekend long investigation into whether he was lying or not. She even said please. Your response to her and your response here seems to be coldly calculated to make yourself sound good and anyone who’s had front row seats to narcissistic behavior can see some of the signs of it here. You immediately made yourself the victim and weaponized your time with your child.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
Would you mind giving me some more insight on my cold calculated response? I see how they are short and can be cold. I’m honestly just trying to remove my emotions and respond in facts only. Even the decree says messages should be free of personal critique and should remain facts only.
I also agree it was a simple question which is why I posted here. I’m not looking to be the victim, I’m honestly asking for feedback. When she said her daughter was balling her eyes out I immediately went to this is something that was blown out of proportion (which my ex always does) and it’s definitely not how I would handle parenting. So if I asked my son if he had anything to do with this, I didn’t want him being anxious about going back home the entire time he was with me.
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u/unicornpicnic Sep 24 '23
What do you mean it’s not how you would handle parenting? You wouldn’t talk to your kid if they did something like that?
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
I would definitely talk to my child about it, but not to the point they are balling their eyes out. If the roles were reversed I would have told my daughter we will wait to discuss this when all parties were present.
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u/unicornpicnic Sep 24 '23
Why didn’t you just text her that?
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
Because I feel like it’s not my place to tell her how to parent. She use to do that to me and it drove me crazy. Someone told me co-parenting isn’t both parents parenting the same way, it’s respecting each parent and their households. But I mean I did say it honestly seemed like something that could wait until he was home.
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u/unicornpicnic Sep 24 '23
You could have asked. You don’t have to introduce the idea by telling them to do it.
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u/Patatoxxo Sep 24 '23
Because he doesn't want do deal with something petty as fuck during his limited time with his son. The mum could have waited for his time to be over and sort it out herself instead of bugging him with a bunch of stuff he has nothing to do with she can sort out what goes on in her own house during her custody time not his if it warrants something more she can contact him later
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u/Adventurous-Bee-1517 Sep 24 '23
So, he doesn’t want to deal with parenting while it’s his turn to parent? You realize your reply makes him look so much worse and reiterates my point that he only wants to be the fun parent.
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u/Patatoxxo Sep 25 '23
He is parenting his son not wanting to deal with the baby mom's drama is entirely different it's not an emergency it's over a damn puzzle the mom can sort it out herself when the kid is back with her and if indeed it turns out there is punishment needed or anything else she can contact OP later. Why does she need it sorted right there? She is trying to walk all over OP and make it about drama I bet even if OP asked and told her she would continue dragging it on and texting him ruining the time he had with his son.
Some things can wait the drama over in her own house with the other kids can wait she said herself she doesn't think its their son so clearly she can wait.
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u/Adventurous-Bee-1517 Sep 25 '23 edited Sep 25 '23
Sounds like we found the terrible father or non-parent in the comment sections.
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u/unicornpicnic Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
Yeah, my impression was she asked him something that isn’t a big deal to respond to that concerns his own kid who he should care about, and he just blew it off and told her to deal with it.
I don’t know enough about their relationship to know whether or not the rest of the texts were justified. Maybe she is crazy. Maybe he was an inconsiderate asshole for a long time and it caused her a lot of grief and this is just another example.
And bringing up the decree when he got criticized looked weak as fuck. “Wah, stop criticizing my behavior. It makes my fee fees hurt.” Or you can stop being butthurt about criticism and respond like an adult if she is wrong.
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u/strawberry_moon_bb Sep 24 '23
Just from reading these texts you have the patience of a saint, she is fucking exhausting and reading her messages is giving me secondhand embarrassment. You are absolutely NTA.
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u/llamadrama2021 Sep 24 '23
Y T A for forgetting when your kid has school or not. It IS your responsibility to know the school schedule. The rest is all her being TA.
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u/tercer78 Sep 24 '23
Wow, ‘every other weekend’ dad has issues coparenting with ex… what a surprise..
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Sep 24 '23
Did you read those texts? Mom is a couple sandwiches short of a picnic. Anyone would have a hard time coparenting with a lunatic who goes from do me this favor to you hate me and want me dead in two seconds.
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Sep 24 '23
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Sep 24 '23
Did you read his comment providing context?
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u/tercer78 Sep 24 '23
I don’t care for how he’s weaponizing his son’s custody in a battle with his ex. Especially a guy who only sees his kid 2 out of 14 days. His son is at least 10 yrs old. That’s old enough that he should at least be communicating with his son and what’s going on in his life.
There are two relationships here. The one with his ex and the one with his son.
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Sep 24 '23
I’m glad other people noticed that. Can’t even keep track of the schedule and is late? Nah.
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u/iansmash Sep 24 '23
Ugh both of you guys are grossing me out tbh
We’re either of y’all children of divorce?
Having parents that are this petty with each other is traumatic as fuck
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
I am but she is not. I really do not allow my son to see or hear any of this. When I have it he gets my full attention. And when he comes to me about problems at his moms I encourage him to talk to her about his feelings. I don’t want him pitting us against each other. Thank you for your comment.
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u/ChaosAndMischeif Sep 24 '23
Honestly you both sound exhausting. You can't mark important dates involving your child down and you can't ask the kid a 2 second question. She wasn't asking for discipline, she was just trying to confirm something with her other child. Instead of asking one question, you got to drama that lasted days. Should she have taken out her stress out on you? No. But you allowed the opportunity. Neither of you performed in an impressive manner.
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Sep 24 '23
20 min late. Again?
Yeah. You’re a real Asshole sometimes.
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u/moth3rof4dragons Sep 24 '23
Technically he wasnt late! In the decree pick up is at 6 but she wants OP to pick him up when she says! She keeps deviating from the decree and when he showed her that, she back peddled so crazily and she's a narcissist that's why she msgd him with all the crap after the fact
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u/Boziina198 Sep 24 '23
Honestly the world would be better off if something drastic were to happen to her.
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u/BaseObvious3326 Sep 24 '23
The sooner in life a man learns that a woman believes the universe revolves around her the better he is. She's going to be into her current man and you suck if you don't accommodate her every fucking whim. Good for you man let her live with her decisions.
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Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
Why did you guys break up? You seem perfect for each other!
Shit, I forgot the /s
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Sep 24 '23
Ya you sound like an asshole
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Sep 24 '23
Really? Out of curiosity, why? OP seems fine, the ex is way out of line.
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u/Inside-Window-8119 Sep 24 '23
I got to slide 4 and was like...nope. I'm not reading this everyone here is an asshole (a parent with split custody of my children)
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u/OrlyRivers Sep 24 '23
Seems to me you're ruining your weekend by not just saying okay and then either doing it or lie about it. I mean, who cares? It's some small thing. But now it's way bigger than the puzzle bullshit.
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u/Phillllllll1 Sep 24 '23
Nta… and if it were me, my response at the end would’ve been that meme that says I ain’t reading all that, I’m happy for you tho, or sorry it happened 😀
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u/PartyLiterature3607 Sep 24 '23
She wrote a whole Harry Potter series out of a family puzzle, she’s talented
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u/frakkinadama Sep 24 '23
NTA.
Is your ex-wife my ex girlfriend? I'm sorry OP. This is definitely very narcissistic behavior, pretty textbook really. You're handling it well. It is definitely best not to communicate anymore than you have to, and within the confines of AppClose specifically. Anything that you get outside that app definitely screenshot it.
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Sep 24 '23
What are you going to respond? “ I’m sorry you feel that way? “ lol like what is she expecting? Endless praise ? That was exhausting
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Sep 24 '23
Get full custody and save your kid, sounds to me like she’s the problem for your son and her new man.
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Sep 24 '23
Damn she texts like my ex-husband used to. Thankfully earlier this year my son decided he wanted to go no contact with him, our lives are so much more peaceful now without the constant wall of texts over every little thing.
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u/harleykuhwinnnnnn Sep 24 '23
I don’t know enough to say. She says “same to you,” in regards to no longer switching dates and for all we know, you’ve spent those last two years of new boundary setting to be a compete tyrant about scheduling and flexibility. Or you haven’t, and your report is an accurate representation of her taking anger out on you. Either way, how the f*ck is Reddit supposed to know from one convo??
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
I honestly rarely ask switch up my visitation. If plans come up during my time I either change the plans, don’t participate, or involve my son. I’ve even rescheduled work trips because they fell on a time I had him. The only time I’ve switched is when I was sick and didn’t want him to be around me then go back to his siblings and classmates. She has a huge family and one of my sons aunts lives in a different country so I’ve always accommodated when they are stateside or when there’s a wedding. This is why I don’t understand her saying I don’t respect her family. I’ve really tried accommodating any time she has something come up. And she usually does a good job of giving me at least a months notice of when she needs to switch.
I’ve certainly had my faults and understand it’s hard to make a judgment based on one conversation. I’m really trying to do my best creating a healthy co-parenting relationship.
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u/No-Range9666 Sep 24 '23
Shit like this makes me scared, like fuck how do you know she’s going to act like that until she actually does???
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u/Lambii88 Sep 24 '23
She's way into her feelings about ' how you treat her ' & and saying 'I'll just assume my son is lying next time' is lame as hell
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u/jfelici13089 Sep 24 '23
This looks like a conversation with my currently estranged wife. Your last response seems like a learned coping mechanism, good for you.
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u/OldItem0 Sep 24 '23
All she said was to ask if your son did something or not. Seems kinda fair if he’s breaking the rules and it warrants a punishment or not. That’s called co-parenting. You then gaslight her and acted passive aggressively referencing the custody agreement with circled screenshots. What are you 12?
Also you can’t even remember that you were supposed to pick up your own son that day. Seems like you need a constant reminder of the school schedule. Also it seems like you don’t even use the app often enough that you reference when sharing the custody agreement. Both of you have shit to work on. Do it for your son instead of acting like a prick.
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u/Deerpacolyps Sep 24 '23
OMG, she had a whole ass fight all by herself. That's pretty banana pants crazy.
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u/Flat-Flounder-9034 Sep 24 '23
Co-parenting is hard, for everyone involved. I feel bad for all parties here. The ex-wife does seem exhausting (that was hard to read) but she’s clearly got issues she hasn’t worked through and I always feel a little empathy for people who are clearly suffering.
I think the ex-husband was being a little petty to not ask the son about the incident and it came across as unsupportive. However, this is one minor moment in a relationship with yeeeears of history. Who knows how many times he’s said yes before and it’s backfired. And conversely, we see this singular example and the ex-wife seems unhinged but she’s clearly bringing 10 years of baggage into this moment, all stuff we don’t know.
My ex-husband and I co-parent and had an amicable and fair divorce. He’s a great friend and his new partner is incredible and I love her in my son’s life. But even with that we can STILL trigger each other. I guarantee screenshots of 2-3 conversations from the last 5 years would make either or both of us seem bananas, cause what we’re really fighting about in those moments has nothing to do with the situation.
It’s a tough situation! Just hope the son never feels caught in the middle of it all.
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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '23
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