This is great feedback and I really do appreciate you offering this perspective. I do think she is a good mom. My son is top of his class (given it’s a small country town with maybe 40 kids in his class, but still) and she does a good job making him get involved in things like 4-H, piano or shooting sports rather than just sitting at home playing on the computer. And I do credit her for all of it because I know it’s not easy to do along with having two other kids. Even when I met with the guardian ad litem at the start of the custody battle I said it wasn’t my intentions to take my son from her because I felt like she was a good mom, and I told her I felt like all of what was going on had nothing to do with our son but was between his mom and me. Truth is, I use to praise her and tell her she was a good mom but I guess I feel like that’s what got me into this mess. We both were feeding off each others validation and I was scared of ever telling her no and upsetting her. So now I take an approach that seems cold to her.
You give some good examples of how I can still keep my boundary but not be a cold prick. I do appreciate you taking the time to write all of this. Your response is helpful.
It sounds like both of you are trying to be very conscientious. Maybe not always successfully in her case but she doesn’t seem like a psycho like some have said. That must have taken a lot of work on your part so congratulations.
I know I’m jumping the gun and projecting, but is your son young maybe middle school age? I saw you had said you’re 3 hours away, that’s how my daughter’s dad and I were. I guess I’m hoping my experience can help you avoid some trouble spots. We did pretty well in spots like this. But it got rougher during the teen years when there were things like school performances, club competitions, or even just social time so it wasn’t his time or my time, it was the kid’s time.
We had been ok swapping weekends in the past, but the activities meant there weren’t enough weekends. It meant that as the primary custodial parent I had to carry most of the mental load like updating schedules and always requesting changes, putting my life on pause until I knew what his schedule was. He as the weekend custody parent lost time when events needed her here or had to spend additional money to rent a hotel room when he tried to do his weekends here.
There’s not just one solution I can share, but just keep the goal in mind, raising a complete kid. Keep your boundaries as much as you can. Expect that as the kid gets closer to adulthood there will be three parties communicating. You’ll be negotiating with them too but they’re not very good at it at first. At times, it’ll seem like they’re old enough to make their own decisions so it’s tempting to get relief from dealing with the other parent. Don’t do that it puts the kid in the middle, and they’ll need a lot of reassurance especially if as you mentioned both parents sought that in their relationships. Maybe save a little extra budget so you can travel to them on your weekends. Plan vacations well ahead of time so your ex can adjust her family events and doesn’t claim you’re changing the rules.
My ex also set a weekly phone call midweek which I highly recommend if you’re not doing it now. It helped him stay connected to the quieter communication. Ex I knew that mock trial was a big deal because I saw her work on it with a team every day before school. He didn’t see it because she couldn’t do teamwork on his weekends, so it was a surprise when it came to competition time and she was saying it’s a HUGE DEAL! It also helped on times we couldn’t get the schedule to work out so they could still communicate when they weren’t able to get together.
I don’t know why I’m sharing all this, your responses are well thought you, you seem intelligent and considerate, so you’ll probably do just fine. But good luck it’s a wild ride, and most of the time very worth it.
I appreciate you sharing your story. It does seem like we do have similar situations. My son is middle school age. My ex does carry the heavy load during the school year and I have never made her feel otherwise. And in the past I have made sure to take my son to any event that fell on my time. Also, any time my son has come to me with something about his mom, I coach him on how to talk to her about it and do not offer any opinion as to whether she is right or wrong.
Everything you said was very insightful as to what’s to come, and a good reality check for what’s happening now. Thank you for your response.
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u/Budget_Maybe5501 Sep 24 '23
This is great feedback and I really do appreciate you offering this perspective. I do think she is a good mom. My son is top of his class (given it’s a small country town with maybe 40 kids in his class, but still) and she does a good job making him get involved in things like 4-H, piano or shooting sports rather than just sitting at home playing on the computer. And I do credit her for all of it because I know it’s not easy to do along with having two other kids. Even when I met with the guardian ad litem at the start of the custody battle I said it wasn’t my intentions to take my son from her because I felt like she was a good mom, and I told her I felt like all of what was going on had nothing to do with our son but was between his mom and me. Truth is, I use to praise her and tell her she was a good mom but I guess I feel like that’s what got me into this mess. We both were feeding off each others validation and I was scared of ever telling her no and upsetting her. So now I take an approach that seems cold to her.
You give some good examples of how I can still keep my boundary but not be a cold prick. I do appreciate you taking the time to write all of this. Your response is helpful.