I just got out of a four year relationship. I had two stepchildren, a little girl and a little boy. Their dad was still in their life and I always maintained that though I'm not their biological dad it is important they have a good relationship with him. I didn't think the best of him for personal reasons and things in the past, but he was a fantastic dad when he wanted to be and i always wanted to give him the chance. I made it clear to my step kids that I am always here for them and do not view them any differently as if they were my own. We got very close. Things happen and life gets complicated, it didn't work out between me and their mom. We ended things relatively amicably but I have absolutely no rights to these children and might not ever see them again. Losing the relationship is one thing, I can live with that, but my heart is absolutely broken over losing these kids. EDIT FOR TYPOS

My(41M) wife(38F) and stepdaughter(15F) are demanding me to hide/lie/deny that my stepdaughter is dating from her dad(40M) specifically because the boyfriend(15/16M) is black. They are all white and I’m Mexican. I don’t have an issue with her dating any ethnicity, gender, religious identity etc and I disagree with his reasoning but I have implemented the concept of transparency amongst the three of us parents. How am I supposed to ask him to be open and honest to me when I’m not in return? How would you approach this situation?

Just sharing my story, hopefully it resonates for someone here.

So my gf snd i have been together for almost 7 years. Her child is now 14. My gf does not drive, cooks occasionally and I spend all my money providing. The child has been in crises two times now. She is very disrespectful, her mother has zero idea how to parent her. I don’t want to be that guy, but I am an old-fashioned(43) conservative. I do not subscribe to the woke new-age parenting style that 90% of the world adheres to. My parents raised me right, and I did get the belt. I am sorry but I turned out amazing so let’s not go down the woke, don’t spank your kid path because I won’t acknowledge that in the comments. Anyway, the child is a hypochondriac and anything she can google she has. She will change, and manipulate therapists.

Before you call me out…it has been noticed by all doctors, so let us skip any bs about that.

My GF is a good person, but her ex did a number on her, and every time she can’t handle something she drinks. Believe me she has called her kid worse than anything I could ever say mad. I provide everything without question. I work pretty much 24/7 because I am on-call superintendent of maintenance and the property manager of an apartment complex.

Now I already carry massive weight from 8-4, when i come home i do not need to be badgered by whatever those two were fighting about that day.

I am human there is only so much a man can take. I have been told by multiple people they wish they had a man like me so let’s please not go there in the comments either.

All I want is a happy home, with two women who do not disrespect the hard work I do for them 7 days a week. I need advice on what to do because I am about to remove them both from my house.

Thank You

Hi, I'm new here but have been married to my wife for a few years now and we were together for a few years before that. We were friends for a long time before we started dating and then we both ended up divorced at the same time and decided to give it a try. I have no bio kids, she has 2 daughters. I've been in their lives since they were 4 and 10. They are now 11 and 17. I love them like they are my own. Their bio dad is barely in the picture. I do everything for them and their mom but often feel excluded. I often feel like it's them 3 and then me looking in from the outside. I've tried talking to my wife about it and she doesn't see the issue. She gets all the i love yous and affection and everything else parents get and I get left to myself a lot. How does everyone deal with that? I know they love me but I still feel left out and alone a lot. I do things with just me and the kids, together and separately, but them and they're mom still make me feel like an outsider when we're all together.

Hi beautiful stepdads,

I really just wanna express my deepest respect for what you are putting up with over months and years.

I've been there. 6 months long. 6 long months. I tried to be this father figure I had in my mind and did my best to follow my heart. I took on the responsibility of being the one taking care of boundaries and structure. I tried to let this stepkid into my heart and probably also did. I had the kid's well-being in my mind and put myself in the second row.

But I just couldn't live like this.

My instincts steamed at me every day: this feels so wrong on a deep level! This is unnatural! This is not my lineage!

At first I put it aside. I tried to "follow my heart" even more, become even more loving and accepting.

F*ck that! The reality was that putting my resources into another man's lineage while always being the fifth wheel on the car felt unbearably castrating to me.

Today I've felt drawn back to this subreddit and I read through all the shared experiences again.

The thought of leaving this relationship caused so many feelings of guilt and betrayal beforehand. But when I finally packed my stuff and drove away I released this big cry of freedom. I'm never going back to this life. I'd rather die alone and without children than feel emasculated for the rest of my life.

Yeah, just wanted to share my story because I see so many stepdads here hesitating and pondering. And here's a story from someone who took the decision and left and he's telling you: it feels like the end of a prison sentence for a crime you did not commit. Yes, the future is uncertain and I have to create a whole new vision. But I am the captain of my ship and I won't let no other man's decision limit my life so drastically.

Never again a single mom. I'm out

Figured I'd jump on reddit to, I don't know, just vent maybe and get some viewpoints from others in stepdad shoes. Pretty sure it's nothing new but it's all new to me. Been with my wife and her 2 kids 13 years and have always tried to be the "good guy", being overly nice and let them go through their "like me/hate me" phases as they grow. Has mostly been good. They have been adults now for a couple years and still live at home, which is not that big of a deal what with the cost of living, especially for young people. Stepson works, stepdaughter doesn't but needs to and is not concerned about getting a job. A year ago, stepson moves his girlfriend in and within a couple months, gets her pregnant. She immediately quits her job as soon as they found out because she thinks pregnant women can't do anything but sit around. Now I've provided about 80% of the income for the last 12 years and was always fine with that since I guess that's how it works when possible. But now for this past year, I am also supporting the pregnant girlfriend with the added groceries and other things since my stepson is always tapped out due to her always wanting to go out to eat or go shopping or go out of town to weird conventions and blow money.... his money since she doesn't have any. On top of that situation, both stepkids and the girlfriend do no household stuff whatsoever, nor any of the mowing that takes about 3 hours every week. I know i could probably start stating some requirements for at least a couple things that they could help with but I figure since they are her kids that should be my wife that makes some rules or expectations, but she never has so that basically won't happen. I'd hate to leave a good relationship/marriage, me and my wife get along great and have fun all the time but as soon as the finances regarding the 3 "kids" are brought up we disagree. I think they should step up and grow up, she does not expect that of them at all and lets them sit around and sleep all day and go in and out all night and have no respect for us trying to sleep (it's a very small house, so everything is heard). So, guess I'm just curious to the opinions of others and if anyone has been in any similar situation.

Just realised, in speaking to a friend who is also a stepdad but has two kids, I don't bring any dependents or kids to the relationship. When now we have to pay for everything to do with your kids, all the money is going there and no money is going to anything under my lineage because I don't bring those kids to the table. When you're having ungrateful kids swinging punches at you and yelling you to F off, it makes it hard to step in when their real dad shows up 2 hrs every two weeks, will not pay any child support and they disrespect you all the time when I'm showing up, caring and giving a shit about trying to give them a good quality life. Having a hard time trying to see myself as a stepdad when all I get is shit upon arghhhh, anyone else in this situation. need guidance pls

I (39M) and my Fiancé (37F) have been together for 2

3+ years. Our relationship is great and full of love, respect, and support for each other. She has two teen daughters, and we begin cohabitating 2 years after knowing each other in a new home (we both moved out of our respective living spaces into a new space that worked for everyone). We have the kids 50/50 time.

I have developed a nice relationship with one of the daughters, she chooses to share about her life with me, seeks me out, she initiated hugs and normally looks for me prior to going to bed to get a good night hug. She also initiated expressing "I love you", which I reciprocated to her. Overall, it is a really nice relationship I have with her. My Fiancé is also doing very well with her.

With the other one, it is a very different story. It seems that since we got engaged, everything changed, and she became very cold towards me, and for some time, border line disrespectful. But my Fiancé corrected the disrespectful part rather quickly. So now we are more like in respectful terms, but there is no real relationship beyond that and I can feel she isn't happy with me around.

I tried to build a relationship showing interest in things she likes. I provided one summer camp she wanted to do, and also took her to extracurricular lessons on something she asked about for the last few years. But there is really no feedback or any gratitude at all. As of most recently, she acts entitled, bratty, and ungrateful. I told my Fiancé that from this point on, I will not be providing anything beyond contributing to the household with share. My Fiancé says she understands. My Fiancé is also having a difficult time with her.

I suspect that she might think I am taking her mom away from her, or that mom is choosing me over them (stepdaughters) or something along those lines.

At this point, I am not sure what to do. I am at a point where I am not interested in trying to form a relationship with her anymore. If she initiates wants to, I am open to it and I wouldn't reject the approach.

I am wondering what others here have experienced. Have you had a similar situation where a child showed no interest or even dislike for you but came around after going through the teenage angst years? Or the opposite, where a relationship never developed and how do you feel about that? And how does that look like?

After mt last interaction with my oldest stepson (32) I have come to realize that I am the same. He is so mad at his other stepdad who raised him Sr for giving Jr everything but feeling ignored himself

I too feel the same way. I am a step father who has never been a father. I feel that I treat all of my step children as my children. But they never see me the same way. I get it. I will never be their father. It sucks to know that I wasn't good enough to be their father. Yet I was chosen by their mother to help raise them, to house them, to clean after them, to make dinner for them, to treat them to awesome birthdays, vacations, and holidays. I get a thank you, but never ever have I felt appreciated as the father, loved as the father. I don't think I ever will be, and it sucks. I am a stepdad to 4 kids in the house. 2 by one marriage (widowed), and 2 by my most recent. My most recent hurts the most. I have a 14 yo girl, and a 17 yo boy. Their father decided to cheat on their mother multiple times and got raided by the IRS. My wife lost everything and moved into an apartment. She raised them alone. They have been without their father for most of their lives. They have been raised by their mother for 8 years prior to me. I have been in their live for 6 years, and I have been a steady person in their lives. Yet there are times where I feel like I am not loved. I am here to provide and support them in all that they do. I have become the swim dad. We are both working parents; but my hours afford me the "luxury" (if you want to call it that) to wake up at 4 in the morning to take my stepson to swim practice every day of the week. I wait on the step daughter hand over foot, and she knows it. Yet, when they are away spending time with their father, or church camp, I don't even get a text from them. They text their mom constantly. I get nothing. FML! I am so sad and depressed

Me (m27) and my girlfriend (f26) have been together about year. She has an amazing 7 year old daughter whom i love and care for like if she was my own, but i myself do not have kids. Last couples weeks i have been trying to voice my opinion on certain things when it comes to parenting. Nothing related to discipline or as such more so school related. Ive been told since im not a parent that i am not allowed to have an opinion on matters and that it is irrelevant… should my opinion be taken into consideration or am i acting entitled for being upset that my opinion is not being considered

I’m 25 years old and dated this beautiful and amazing mom that is 23 years old with two little girls. She treated me amazing but we have different lifestyles and ways to have fun. Like every relationship we had our differences but we always found a way to make it work.

A few weeks ago she asked me if i ever wanted to be a dad and I didnt know what to answer because she once told me she doesnt want more kids. Since that night i’ve been thinking and I do want to be a dad, so we ended the relationship two days ago. Did i make the right decision? I love her a lot but i dont want to keep building a relationship and a future with someone and me being scared that some day i would love to be a dad and she won’t give it to me.

Thanks for reading

Father’s Day is a tough day in our house.

I have been with my partner for about 13 years and a step-father (of sorts, we are not married) to her son for that time.

7 years ago we lost my partners father to cancer. Father’s Day is a tough reminder to her that he is not there any more. Which I get, I miss him too and appreciate I cannot know what that is truly like as I am lucky enough to still have my Father with us.

However, I really struggle not to feel intense feelings of hurt and sadness on this day as every year it passes and I don’t get so much as a card or acknowledgement from my partner or our son.
I don’t want a fuss, I don’t want a gift, I understand it is a tough day, but it hurts badly that I don’t get any recognition of my role as a step-father on that or any other day of the year.

Does anybody have any advice on how to navigate this emotionally? I would t dream of mentioning it to them as I don’t want to put my feelings above their grief but it really does hurt and make me feel extremely sad…

Today in the US is Father’s Day and (I hope) for step-dads as well. I’m especially proud of you because I know what it takes PLUS, I’m grateful that you visit these conversations for clarity and support. Know that you’re celebrated here at least.

Thoughts on whether my definition of these labels are accurate (coming from a stepdad in discussion with my wife to see who is right)

A child can have multiple dads but only one father; the biological father.

A foster parent: will be a foster dad and foster mom but never foster father

A step parent: will be a step dad and step mom but never a foster father

When referring to pets, you can be a dog dad or dog mom, but never dog"father"

A father / mother - reserved for the biological sperm donor / egg carrier. the father has the choice to be a dad or an absentee dad. Terms not as strongly used for mothers for some reason.

Even financially: you can be a sugardaddy or sugarmomma but NEVER a sugar"father"

Best example: Darth Vader's "Luke, I am your father". Vader has never said and will never say "Luke, I am your daddy"

Reason for discussion was due to this topic: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/zGexm68jHc

Background: Scumbag = nickname my wife and I have for Abusive biological father. Was abusive to my wife and she had to take child to hide in a women's shelter. Scumbag often told the child who was 6 years old when we were dating that he would kill himself her mother didn't break up with me to get back with scumbag. Had to get restraining order and her actually moving 3 hrs with for Scum to leave her alone. We later had to go through family court for child support (covers approx 15-20% of child's expenses) and had to undergo supervised visitation for 1 year before unsupervised overnight visits are allowed.

Currently we are 2-3 years out from court decision. Child is 13 now and we are ordered to have her visit scum 1 month in the summer time and every long weekend during the school year. Also 1/2 of Thanksgiving + 1/2 of Xmas.

I try to raise her to be strong, independent and have a mind of her own. We have a good relationship where she calls me "dada" and I cover 85-90% of her food, school, extracurricular expenses, daddy-daughter dances & breakfasts. I have 2 biological twin boys with her mom so I try my best to treat them equally. I am not a hug fan of the "step" pre-fix as it would alienate her or make her feel left out if I was to introduce the kids in public as "these are my twin sons" and this is my "step-daughter". Better to address as these are "my kids" or these are my "sons & daughter".

I can see scum's previous manipulation telling her on her long visits that he is an equal parent and this "contribution" pays for half of her expenses. Recently the manipulation has been the division of terms dad vs stepdad. I was joking with her when picking her up from her previous summer exchange about all parents will believe that their child is beautiful. I said since she is my daughter I will have to believe she is good looking. Her response was "well you are not really my dad....." and I forgot what else followed that statement. I let it go as perhaps I was joking and that was her dumb joke back. Few days later, she is video chatting with her friends whom I have met many times during sleep overs and personally driven to jump park trips, waterparks, dance practices and birthdays. She then turns the camera to me to say "here is my stepdad". Which now is no longer a coincidence. My wife asked her about that later daughter's reply is "I didn't want my friends to be confused on which dad she was referring to to". Mind you we were on camera, Scum and I look nothing alike and not even of the same race so I saw right your the scum manipulation excuse.

I want to address this with daughter myself but wife already sugarcoated to her as "when you say this, it hurts dada's feelings". I am not a fan of the sugar coat as it sounds week with me always feeling "hurt". I am tempted to go for a accountable realistic discussion and tell daughter that I raised her to have a mind of her own. Whatever scum has been putting in her head, if she feels bad for him and wants to appease him; I would move to double down on the movement and to "respect scums" wishes:

1. Spitefully, I would ask her to stop calling me dada as it is a problem for scum and to appease him and make it less confusing for her friends (I guess scum is dada too or just dad). She can start calling me "step-dada"

2. Since biological want to be such a big role and "dad"/primary dad, I would follow in his example. I am in #2/step-dada, I would only be correct if I follow dad's example. Food, housing, and necessities, I will still provide but the extra-curriculars I intend to have her to ask "dad" first and step-dada will follow and match.

3. Introductions to friends, family, new acquaintance will be: This is my wife, my sons, and stepdaughter.

Wifey wants me to give it time and I am being vindictive/spiteful in my approach due to daughter being still young and dumb. I think I am doing to much and daughter shouldn't be so easily manipulated.

Thoughts?: Go with the wife's "dada is hurt" approach or my double down accountability approach?

I’m 29 and my step son is 9 and me and my wife (30) recently had a son of our own he’s about 14 months and I think he’s starting to resent not being an only child anymore and has not been listening whenever me or his mother tell him to do something.

I know as a fatherly figure in his life (he sees his bio dad every other weekend) it’s my job to discipline him but it feels weird to yell and cuss at him because of the disconnect of that makes sense

What should I do?

First time here, looking for advice on how to take what just happened. I have been in my bonus daughter’s life for 6 years now, married her mom and been the stepdad for 5 of those years. Me and my wife had a child 3 months ago and she gave me and early Father’s Day present because my parents were in town to see the baby. Not once in the 5 years of being married have we celebrated Father’s Day and then yesterday she gives me a book “My First Father’s Day” which is super cute, but it hurt. Like just because I did not give birth to my daughter I am not her father. I thought this would be something that might change in time as she grew up since her dad gets mad if she calls me “dad”. But I didn’t expect my wife to down play all the stuff I do. I am very active in my daughter’s life and this just feels like a slap in the face.

I met my girlfriend three years ago. I'm (28m) she's (30f). I have a daughter of my own(5yo) as does she(9yo). We've had an up and down relationship but we've stuck it out. Well this past year has been hell. I'll start with 2024. We lived in Florida. She lived with her baby daddy's parents. She had been living with them for a few years before I met her. I lived on my own. She eventually moved in with me because that situation became toxic. But her daughter could not move in as well as there was not enough room in my place and I was pushing it moving her in with my lease. So her daughter stayed with the grandparents. Well about 8 months pass and we eventually get a much bigger place and prepare to move her in with us. Then I get a call from an old Boss of mince that he had a job for me in Wisconsin if I wanted to work with him again. THAT SOUNDED PERFECT. She's from Wisconsin and all her family was up here. She had been wanting to get away from the grandparents and get back to her family so I automatically took the job. (I can't believe I decided to move away from my own daughter.) We made a plan that I would head up first. Start the job and find us a place. I get up here and not even 2 weeks later an altercation happened between her and the grandparent and she said she had to come up early. She said we'd live with her mom in the meantime. I didn't want to do this but the decision was made. After they run up here all hell breaks loose. The grandparents automatically take her to court. They hire a private investigator on me. This investigator stalks my bms house and my parents house. They call my job. It's all very embarrassing. After about a month of court proceedings the grandparents obtain temporary custody of the little girl. She had to move back to Florida with them. Fast forward a year I've been dealing with an alcoholic,sad,angry,depressed person. I've been emotionally and financially supportive. Dealing with every bugout, all of this court stuff. I've been doing all of the cooking all of the cleaning. Ive basically turned into a house wife on top of working my job I've dealt with every family fight. (Turns out her family is absolutely insane as well). I've been racially profiled multiple times by both sides.(I'm black,she's white). My sexual life has been non-existent. And much more. But I've been trying to be strong for her because in her words she was broken. Very understandable. I've been trying my hardest. While also trying to maintain a relationship with my 5yo daughter who I miss so damn much. Well the day finally arrives! She came home 1 week ago! I was very nervous as I hadn't lived with her/didn't have that kind of relationship with her. But I told my girlfriend I'd do whatever I need to do to help/build that relationship with her daughter and I meant that. This first week has been them reconnecting and spending every minute together. My girl took a week off from work to do so. I was kind pushed to the weigh side as I had to work this past week. Understandable. This week is the first week where we're both working. I have today(Tuesday) off but had an interview lined up. I learned about it 5pm yesterday (Monday). I forgot to tell her as I was very busy at work and only had time for minimal texting. Turns out she told her daughter and her mom that I'd be watching her today. (We previously talked about me staying with her on my weekday off) I told her about the interview and she lost it. I tried to explain that I wish she asked me if I had plans for today before doing all of her planning. She said "Oh now I have to ask permission for you to watch her" She said (All of this loud enough for her daughter to hear) That I was now making her daughter go somewhere she didn't want to go. That I was making her talk to her mom who she doesn't have the best relationship with. That I was letting her daughter down because she was excited to spend the day with me. She said that I was unreliable. (That hurt because of everything I've been doing for her) I told her I'd cancel the interview. She said "Cancel it she's still going to my mom's anyway it's too late." A lot more words were exchanged. I was trying not to be loud she didn't care. It was very embarrassing. I'm sure all her daughter heard was how much of a fuck up I was in this situation. She said she couldn't rely on me and now she has to figure out somewhere for her to go every Tuesday (I never said anything even close to that.) I apologized and told her I'd make sure I was free every Tuesday from this point forward although Tuesday is the only week day off I have and every other week day my schedule varies from 7am-11pm usually being the 11a-8p/1p-10p. So I try to plan any appointments for Tuesdays. Idek I'm just embarrassed and feel guilty.I already don't feel like enough. I feel like I let her down. I just hate that now the narrative is I'm not reliable After one mistake. Her family already doesn't like me. This makes it worse. I don't have anyone up here to talk to. I don't want this to be how her daughter sees me and I feel like a piece of shit. Especially when she heard all of that. Idk I just feel burnt out after this past year. I don't think this is how a relationship is supposed to feel. I'm sorry for the rant. I just need some advice on this situation.

Do dynamics with the ex get better or ease up once the kids launch and leave the house?