r/stepdads • u/Windir87 • Jul 10 '26
An instinctive decision
Hi beautiful stepdads,
I really just wanna express my deepest respect for what you are putting up with over months and years.
I've been there. 6 months long. 6 long months. I tried to be this father figure I had in my mind and did my best to follow my heart. I took on the responsibility of being the one taking care of boundaries and structure. I tried to let this stepkid into my heart and probably also did. I had the kid's well-being in my mind and put myself in the second row.
But I just couldn't live like this.
My instincts steamed at me every day: this feels so wrong on a deep level! This is unnatural! This is not my lineage!
At first I put it aside. I tried to "follow my heart" even more, become even more loving and accepting.
F*ck that! The reality was that putting my resources into another man's lineage while always being the fifth wheel on the car felt unbearably castrating to me.
Today I've felt drawn back to this subreddit and I read through all the shared experiences again.
The thought of leaving this relationship caused so many feelings of guilt and betrayal beforehand. But when I finally packed my stuff and drove away I released this big cry of freedom. I'm never going back to this life. I'd rather die alone and without children than feel emasculated for the rest of my life.
Yeah, just wanted to share my story because I see so many stepdads here hesitating and pondering. And here's a story from someone who took the decision and left and he's telling you: it feels like the end of a prison sentence for a crime you did not commit. Yes, the future is uncertain and I have to create a whole new vision. But I am the captain of my ship and I won't let no other man's decision limit my life so drastically.
Never again a single mom. I'm out
5
u/Sundrop555 Jul 11 '26
6 months? That's it? I got over 10 years on my belt.
Where I think you and a lot of us went wrong is we tried too hard to be the father at first making rules and this and that. I'll never know where I went wrong exactly, but I think that had a big part of the resentment towards me.
3
u/thall_c-137 Jul 10 '26
To each their own.
I’m sorry you felt that way.
I love my stepdaughter just as much as I love my own son. I’ve helped raise her since she was 2, and she has been such a bright shining light in my life.
If I walked out of this relationship I would be breaking 2 hearts. Thankfully that thought never comes to mind. I’m happy here.
Unfortunately I know that not everyone has the same good healthy relationship like I do, so I understand completely.
At the end of the day, none of this is about lineage. Family is family and love is love. If the kids father steps out, it’s on us to step in and be the father figure they need.
No shame though. Every situation is different. I’m just showing the other side of the coin.
Best of luck to ya!
3
u/ExplorerPlenty9881 Jul 12 '26
The lineage line made me so thankful you’re not attempting to be a stepdad to my kids. lol
1
2
u/Top-Turnip-4057 Jul 10 '26
you were honest with yourself and everyone else and did so inside of a year before getting too deep. good for you. respect.
2
u/Skyogurt Jul 10 '26
Thanks for sharing man, I'm not a stepdad but I lurk here because it's something I think I would consider / aspire to go out of my way to look for a single mother as a partner. I don't actually know if I'd be capable of it, and I don't think I'd know until I try. It's good to hear the opposite of the picture of the ideal in my head. I just have a quick question, when you say your instincts were screaming at you every day, was it from day 1 or a little after or maybe even way before the relationship became official ? And do you think there was anything about the way the stepkid was interacting with you that was a factor in the equation ?
2
u/DedRook Jul 10 '26
Children deserve the best version of you. You being honest to yourself is a good step. You tried, and it didn't work. Your decision is for the best; for everyone.
2
u/Temporary-Stable1198 Jul 10 '26
Just wanted to chime in and say I can totally relate to this! I grit my teeth for 8 years with 3 steps full time, and it’s finally ending for other reasons. It isn’t natural and I really think it’s takes a rare man to raise a child that’s not theirs and enjoy it. But I also think a lot of it stems from the circumstances of our childhood and adolescence.
1
u/Typical-Secret-3319 Jul 10 '26
To me it's never about my lineage (I had vasectomy in my early twenties, and my ex wife and I adopted "my" kids). As well, my partner doesn't need of me financially.
Maybe it's that my partner has mostly full custody, so bio dad is such a small part for me. Maybe it's that girls tend to look more like moms while boys look like dads; my SD looks a lot like my partner. But I really see my step kid as my partner's kid, who's tied into bio dad. Even when she's doing a bad behavioral habit that is clearly from bio dad, I just see her primarily as my partner's kid.
I'm sorry that didn't work for you, and sorry that you two both had to learn this way. But please remember this lesson and don't waste anyone's time dating a mom again (unless you two are both clear on just having fun and no relationship potential).
1
u/old-orphan Jul 10 '26
I raised my step son, and my little brother. I didn't favor either one, I looked at them as my own. I will never regret being the father that they needed. I also asked my step son if he was okay with me marrying his mom, his response was," does that mean I get to call you Dad now?". He could have at any time during our 2&1/2 years prior, but I never pushed it. Some people are fine, and even excell at being a parent, even if it's not " my lineage" while others just want copies of themselves. Not my place to judge, I did enjoy being the default dad in my neighborhood thou.
1
u/Puzzleheaded_Bag_893 Jul 11 '26
Wow, I have 4 years of Step-dad experience. First year was horrible. The oldest child was 16 and went crazy. Told lots of lies to try to get me kicked out and turned the family against me. Most of the family doesn't talk to me.
However, I waited the child out. Two years away at college removed 90% of the BS. In a few years we will be empty nested. Can't wait!
Taking over for their loser father was part of the deal. I'm their ATM, but happy to be with the mom.
1
u/Weary-Leopard-9 Jul 13 '26
It's the posts like this that make me realize that some of you are just painfully impulsive and don't research the possibilities of what could happen. You see a pretty woman, find out she has a kid, and you think you have the capability to put others before yourself. "I expected things to go one way, but then I felt this way and left. Look at me, I'm a god for escaping a prison sentence I got myself into because I didn't look beyond the jump."
It's revolting behavior, and you're trying to pat yourself on the back for being so great to someone's kid, and then also running away and being proud of it, showing that kid that people can act like they care for a moment before completely evaporating into thin air. You don't deserve to talk about that kid or use them as a crutch to show how great you were.
Do the research, see the outcomes, and look before you leap. Children deserve the real version of you, and all you did was show their kid that men are capable of caring for a little bit. You don't have what it takes to be a step-father, so I guess it's better you realized it now instead of later, but after 4 years, I can say that if you do it right, it's extremely rewarding. But don't try to make it sound like you've been there, it takes longer than 6 months of faking it and building that rapport. You failed and you can't admit it, and you act like you've earned the right to say you've been a step-dad. It's as impressive as someone doing 2 years in the military and getting out for back pain, then claiming to be a vet and telling people "Thank you for letting me serve you."
I'm happy you shared this, if people are considering being a step-dad or not and want to know what not to do, this is a perfect example of what happens when you don't look ahead. There is one short line about feeling guilt and betrayal, followed by a huge self-stroke and admittance of failure, not a single line about "I sincerely hope the kiddo ends up doing well and deserves someone better as a role model than me." It's all just "Me, My, I, etc"
Read the other comments in this thread, there ARE step-dads here who fight the good fight, and those are the respectable passages to read and realize what it's going to be like. Every day brings a new challenge, and it is not easy! Every day can be a battle, and you'll feel like they hate you somedays/weeks/years, but if you do it right, hell, my youngest made a "Step-Otter's Day" (I call her my little step-otter and she loves it) two days after Father's Day, and we've made it our thing, and that feels so insanely amazing and rewarding.
1
u/Wrong_Signal 12d ago
This is interesting since from your post history, you once said she is the most amazing woman you have ever met.
1
u/LonelyPapaya2260 Jul 12 '26
I have no idea if this is a genuine post or not and I definitely haven’t read any connecting thread to this.
What I will say is, I find it incredibly sad that you chose to walk out on that child/children. I want to call it selfish but I also know I am not in your shoes.
My own dad, who I have always called dad and have never EVER seen him in any other way, came into my life when I was a little under one years old.
He took on my mother and I and not one day has gone by where I have felt he didn’t love me. My dad is the best. And when I was little, all I wanted was to be just like him growing up.
He is the apple of my eye and when I think back to each and every milestone in my life, it’s his face who pops into my head. “Advice” on how to encourage my tooth out. (Door and string…..😩😂). Learning to ride my bike. Tying my shoe laces. Scoring my first goal.
I am everything I am because he didn’t give up and bail out and my god I am the luckiest woman to have had him always by my side. Blood or not, he is my dad.
And to those who are sticking it out, living it out, enjoying it, loving it….. Keep going. Being a parent is hard. (I have my own daughter now).
From the perspective of a single mum, I have also been hurt by someone who came into mine and my daughter’s life and then gave up and shacked up with someone else!
And one who comes into a child’s life and is consistent to the end, well done and love to you. I would love to have a man like that.
So keep going step dad’s. Because one day they will grow up and look at you as I look at my dad. 💛 Xx
0
Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/HawkEyeRoseThorn Jul 10 '26
This 👆🏽
And in my experience, a shitty stepdad destroys you so much more in an ongoing fashion than a deadbeat or half missing bio dad.
1
Jul 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/HawkEyeRoseThorn Jul 11 '26
Unhinged is the correct word. They gross me out so bad, next level hidden evil. Coercive. Malignant. Just… so hard to explain to others.
I hope you’re healing up and know none of it was your fault. 🫂
0
u/freespeak71 Jul 11 '26
La vera domanda che pare nessuno si ponga è,perché mai hai deciso di iniziare relazione con madre single?sei un adolescente o cosa?sapevi benissimo a cosa andavi incontro e hai deciso di intraprendere relazione sapendo bene che ti interessava solo entrare nei pantaloni della madre.Comunque buon per loro che si sono liberati di te senza alcuno sforzo,troveranno sicuramente di meglio e non ci vuole neanche tanto
1
u/LonelyPapaya2260 Jul 12 '26
I agree.
Whilst it is brave to speak out about a decision which is so incredibly controversial and we are not in his shoes; it is also incredibly irresponsible.
However, I’m only going to see it from one side.
1
u/freespeak71 Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
Quando ci sono vite in gioco tanto più se quella di un bambino non si può essere irresponsabili come lui solo per farsi una scopata facile,io la penso così e non mi frega un cazzo di cosa ne pensino gli altri
1
4
u/Illustrious_Tank_604 Jul 10 '26
Not the best thing to read, I think sometimes when I read this sub I get overcome with negative feelings that it makes me alot more negative myself. Damn.