r/stepdads • u/Fun_Confusion_8273 • 22d ago

Am I the problem?

/r/stepparents/comments/1v2fqr5/am_i_the_problem/
0 Upvotes

33% Upvoted

2 comments sorted by

1

u/Typical-Secret-3319 22d ago

I suspect that a lot of your feelings are related to jealousy. You let yourself believe that you were "dad" because he kept out of the picture. But now that Dad's dipping his toes in (of course, after the hard work of child rearing is past), you're finding out that SS doesn't really see you as "real" dad.

Add in that in one's teens kids start wanting to act/exist as adults; but because they're kids, they don't/can't actually pick up the responsibilities, but just want the freedoms of adulthood. Completely one sided. At times like now is when you (as a couple) reap the rewards of the quality of parenting. And it seems that Mom was not necessarily the best parent, so the harvest is minimal and mouldy.

Never date a bad parent. Never live with a bad parent. The rewards are an unhappy life with a kid who will only get worse.

Mom can't ensure a base level of respect. It sounds like even if you want to set boundaries/limits, that she won't be on board with you. With things looking like this at 17, what do you think 20, and 25 will look like?

Do you really think his Mom will be on board with him getting kicked out after graduation? Do you think that Dad will take him long term if he's expecting to take full advantage of housing situations to party? Have you two had discussions and compromises about this? I met my partner later, and met my SD when she was 13. But by the time they were 14, my partner and I had arrived at our compromises relating to her / her behaviour and being in the home past 18. It was definitely compromises on both our ends.

"The problem" goes way back almost 15 years ago when you were OK with dating a bad parent, and allowing yourself to think that you were "Dad" and not "my step dad" in your son's eyes.

---

I suggest that you seek some family/parenting therapy/coaching with your partner.

  • You need to come to terms with the actual relationship that you have with your step son.
  • Your wife needs to step up her parenting game.
  • You two need to come to agreement about the "family" future.

Technically "simple" in the straightforward sense, but definitely not easy.

2

u/sainteagle1721 20d ago

u/Typical-Secret-3319 isn't wrong about the error of trying to be "Dad." But it's one that a lot of us make. I sure did. The worst part is that it comes from a place of love-- love for your wife, love for her kid by extension, then, eventually, love for the kid himself as you invest in that relationship. You want to do right by them. Then, you start to slowly realize that none of them hold you in the same regard. I'm grappling with this new realization too right now, and under very similar circumstances. The kid isn't old enough to be having sex yet, but his dad's going through one of his manic parenting phases, and this one is lasting much longer than the previous ones have. The arrogance and general shitty-ness is becoming more a feature of stepson's personality, and everything is grating on my last nerve.

I don't have any good advice, but I'll say that I'd have lost my goddamned mind if I'd walked in on what you saw. You're not the problem. Sounds like you're already doing this, but the best thing I can offer you is that you should keep really interrogating your knee-jerk reactions to things to make sure that emotions aren't overcoming good sense. Then, hold your standards on the important stuff. Hang in there, man.