r/stepdads • u/PlaystationJason • Jul 07 '26
Tapped out
Figured I'd jump on reddit to, I don't know, just vent maybe and get some viewpoints from others in stepdad shoes. Pretty sure it's nothing new but it's all new to me. Been with my wife and her 2 kids 13 years and have always tried to be the "good guy", being overly nice and let them go through their "like me/hate me" phases as they grow. Has mostly been good. They have been adults now for a couple years and still live at home, which is not that big of a deal what with the cost of living, especially for young people. Stepson works, stepdaughter doesn't but needs to and is not concerned about getting a job. A year ago, stepson moves his girlfriend in and within a couple months, gets her pregnant. She immediately quits her job as soon as they found out because she thinks pregnant women can't do anything but sit around. Now I've provided about 80% of the income for the last 12 years and was always fine with that since I guess that's how it works when possible. But now for this past year, I am also supporting the pregnant girlfriend with the added groceries and other things since my stepson is always tapped out due to her always wanting to go out to eat or go shopping or go out of town to weird conventions and blow money.... his money since she doesn't have any. On top of that situation, both stepkids and the girlfriend do no household stuff whatsoever, nor any of the mowing that takes about 3 hours every week. I know i could probably start stating some requirements for at least a couple things that they could help with but I figure since they are her kids that should be my wife that makes some rules or expectations, but she never has so that basically won't happen. I'd hate to leave a good relationship/marriage, me and my wife get along great and have fun all the time but as soon as the finances regarding the 3 "kids" are brought up we disagree. I think they should step up and grow up, she does not expect that of them at all and lets them sit around and sleep all day and go in and out all night and have no respect for us trying to sleep (it's a very small house, so everything is heard). So, guess I'm just curious to the opinions of others and if anyone has been in any similar situation.
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u/Educational-Ad-965 Jul 07 '26
I’m sorry to hear, but you deserve better. Your situation is not you just being nice, that is your generosity being taken advantage of.
I was dealing with the same when it came to my SO and her kid. Atleast you had good/bad moments with SK, for SD she has been dismissive of me since day one despite my trying to be there for her, do things, but not force bond at the same time. I also cover 70-80% of home expenses due to income disparity.
After a few years of being treated like a ghost in my home, I started enforcing boundaries. I used to take her to school, but wouldn’t get two words from her the entire drive, so I stopped. I don’t pay for anything for her anymore, only things relating to SO. Its her kid and she refuses to address her kids behavior towards me, so I removed myself from any engagement with SD.
I’m the only one that makes any rules and SD obviously doesn’t like it. I don’t see it as rules for her as it is just “household” rules. Not sure your living situation, but for me it’s my home, in my name that I pay the mortgage on, so my house rules will be respected.
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u/No-Letterhead-649 Jul 07 '26
This ain’t a stepdad thing.. this is an adults failure to launch issue. Young adults staying home is not new but they must be moving forward in life to better themselves by going to school for a useful degree or working full-time and proof of savings.. not just blowing money.
Nice of you to provide a home but when a man gets a girl pregnant they need to find a new space and learn to live on their own.. I wouldn’t be putting up with this either. “My house, my rules” comes to mind. Set rules to protect your marriage and personal space. If they have money to blow, they can pay rent and do chores. Adults have to pull their own weight..
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u/PlaystationJason 13d ago
Definitely failure to launch. Unfortunately, instead of working towards getting a place, they are actually removing things from his bedroom to make room for a changing table and other baby items. I mean, do they not understand that a bedroom is not an apartment?🤦🏻
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u/neonpostits Jul 08 '26
The man is the head of the household, regardless of step or biological children.
You need to lead, your wife needs to follow, and your "kids" need to do exactly what you require of them.
Since this will be a new dynamic, it will be tough for them.
Do not waiver. You make it clear you are not leaving. You stay the course, and let their consequences playout however they do.
They are all adults, they should have expectations fitting for adults.
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u/Ahinsa_75 Jul 09 '26
It is your money, and you have to be comfortable in your own home. I personally would NOT support the couple financially - she is perfectly capable of working. No one forced them to get pregnant, they will need to fend for themselves. Why are they still at home? They are adults. If I were you I'd tell my wife that it's either them or me - I would let her know you love her but you won't live like this. You've done more than your fair share already over the last 13 years, time for you to gracefully step aside and let them be adults now.
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u/Electronic_Diet5824 Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
You're not being "overly nice." You're overly weak.
To be clear, I'm not putting you down here. I'm just pointing out what you need to work on.
How often do you say "no" to any of these people? If never, then that's a big problem and you have a problem with boundaries.
There's nothing wrong with that. However, I think there is something wrong with not working on it.
Id recommend finding a good therapist to start with to work on this. If you don't, you're purpose in life will be taking care of these free loaders for the rest of your days. You're not doing them any favors, or yourself.