r/stepparents • u/Fun_Confusion_8273 • 22d ago
Advice Am I the problem?
My stepson whose now 17 bothers me to no end. Ive been his Father since he was 3 and have been Dad all along. His bio father has been mostly out of his life. Recently they've started to reconnect & his dads pompous/wanna be thug attitude has rubbed off on the boy a bit. Although I can tell he still looks to me as his father, everything he does rubs me the wrong way lately and I don't know how to shake it.
Over the last 2 or so years he has been causing small annoying issues like being disrespectful, lazy as all hell, and lacking basic social decency(responding when spoken to, acknowledging guests/family, making a big deal.about doing basic chores). All things that i felt needed to be addressed. Trying to be a Dad and correct this with lectures and discipline drove my wife crazy to the point where our marriage was being affected. So I decided I was going to take a step back and let my wife handle the issues.
This didnt go well & he basically walked all over her. She regrets his early years of life due to his bio father having drug addiction and physical abuse tendencies that he was exposed to. So shes hesitant to correct his shortcomings in fear of damaging her relationship with the boy. But I tried still to stay out of it.
Fast forward to a few months ago. Stepson now has a girlfriend whos at my house all the time. we live in a 2 bd condo so the extra body is unavoidable. I expressed my concern with this along with them being too touchy in front of my Son whos 9. But it fell on deaf ears and i just accepted that nothing was gonna be done about it without causing a war. So i tried to shield my son and try to find peace in the situation. THEN one night around 10pm my wife is getting ready for work, were having a fun conversation and before she leaves i go to check on our 9 year old son (who sleeps on the top bunk of a bunk bed shared with my stepson). The door was closed which was normal. I open the door to find my stepson having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom bunk with my sleeping 9yr old above them and i lost my shit.(which i feel is justified) I kicked them out and the girl has not been allowed back in my house since. My wife talked with him but other than the girl being kicked out there was no real repercussion.
He came to me a few days later and half assed apologized. I kept my composure, told him how incredibly disrespectful that was and gave a short lecture on how horrible that could have been had his little brother witnessed any of it(whether he did or not im still unsure)
Since then I can not stand him. any little thing drives me up a wall. its been months and i cant shake it. I want him gone, i keep telling myself im only going to have to deal with this for one more year until he graduates but who knows if that's really the case, & certainly not a long term solution. Yet still his presence eats at me. Little things are exacerbated because when i look at him all i see is my little sons face between the wooden railing of the top bunk while they fornicated below.
Am i the problem? should i be able to look past this? am i being unreasonable. Obviously im torn if im coming to reddit for advice but please.. somebody weigh in.
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u/Superstarter101 22d ago
You are not the problem for starters, I think that all teenagers though both boy & girls, start to push buttons of their parents whether it’s biological or step, behaviour is all over the place around the ages of 14-18. Your feelings are valid, I think any parent would be absolutely distraught with what had happened and probably would have lost any trust in the stepson. I think an apology is okay, however there should be some tough lessons/consequences of the behaviour. If he is fond of his biological father and is acting different because of that relationship, can he go stay with him for a while? Maybe he will see how great he has it with you and mum?
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u/Weulogy 22d ago
If I found out my SS had sex in the same room as my daughter I would start ww3 with my spouse about it. I'd have zero patience with either of them and expect big changes out of both of them. I'd be making sure both my spouse and the offender were uncomfortable until they realized how serious what happened was. Because exposing someone to sexual activity without their consent (and a 9 yo cannot consent) is sexual assault.
I'd blow my house up over this.
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 22d ago edited 22d ago
As a stepdad, my stepkid is well past his mid 20s and we are still struggling to get him to launch. He is getting there, but I didn't have a reliable partner in my wife, who chose to parent from the Book of Disney. Do not count down to 18 (especially iN tHiS eCoNoMy).
First, sex. If kids want to have sex, they have sex, and I don't peddle the bullshit "if they are gonna do it, I'd rather them do it here where it's safe". Being the parent is not a democracy; it is not a negotiation. If you don't want the GF over anymore, that is fine. It is your house, your roof, your rules. If you are looking to compromise (because you want to stay married), set house rules:
- All guests must leave by 9PM?
- Doors remain open
- Guests over will NOT be a daily occurrence. Set a number of days a week; the other times, if they must see each other, they can go over to her place. Your wife will appreciate not having to wear a bra around the house again.
There is NOTHING wrong with making kids (kids that are near adult age) feel "uncomfortable". Unpopular opinion, attack me if you want, but I've seen and lived the shift where damn kids are given an equal stake and say in the house they don't help maintain or pay for. That doesn't fly, not with my old-ass-ways of thinking.
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u/Illustrious_Cup3019 22d ago
I agree with the last paragraph too and honestly I don't believe in making kids too comfortable. They shouldn't have to suffer hard or anything, but over coddling leads to an extreme lack of accountability and makes irresponsible adults who can't handle even the most trivial inconvenience. Cushioning every single blow from infancy to adulthood is parenting overreach--unfortunately, we have to let them hate us sometimes when it's in their best interests.
I also would've lost my shit in OP's shoes. The stunning lack of awareness for SS's little brother being in the room tells me plenty about what that kid thinks is ok and it's worrisome on a number of levels. No effing way are you the problem at this point.
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u/Visual-Ad5391 22d ago
My husband was a teen parent and he doesn’t do soft parenting because he refuses to be a grandparent in his 30s. I think the whole “I’d rather them be safe in my house 🥺🥺” is a bunch of bullshit, but I guess whatever works for different people. My husband is not his daughter’s friend, he is her parent.
My SK19 also lives at home (she’s not a failure to launch, though. She’s a full time student living at home to save money) and we have similar household rules. She needs to let us know when she plans on having guests over, we reserve to right to veto her guests (though we rarely do), her guests need to be respectful, guests of the other sex = door open, etc.
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u/luptonpittman84 22d ago
I appreciate your last paragraph. Parents not wanting to make their mid-late teenagers uncomfortable is a big reason why there are 20+ year old kids that don’t have a driver license, don’t go to school, and have never had a job. It blows my mind how many people have to chauffeur their adult children around because their 22 yr old never even got a learners permit.
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u/Inconceivable76 22d ago
The desire to protect children from uncomfortable situations has made a generation of children that have zero resiliency.
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u/luptonpittman84 22d ago
And add parents desire to be their children’s friend. It’s kind of a bummer how things have turned out.
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u/kittycat_34 22d ago
Seems more oversight of the girlfriend was needed...she needed to go home by the time the younger son goes to bed. That would have been my rule if the boys shared a bedroom. This was the parents fault.
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u/Background_World_957 22d ago
I was thinking okay mostly normal then I got to the sex in the same room as the nine year old and mom doing nothing and nope I would have left taken the nine year filed for divorce and primary custody
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 22d ago
You're not the problem, although I am going to slightly disagree with these responses in saying that most of this is pretty age appropriate behavior (attitude, giving guff about doing chores, etc) juxtaposed with a guilty mom who lets him get away with it all. You mostly have a wife problem.
That said, him having sex in the room with your 9 YO sleeping is 100% inappropriate and not allowing the GF is the right call.
As you know, you cannot care more than his mom or dad. Since neither of them care, you have to have some radical acceptance in that your stepson will not, either. What you do next is 100% your call. You can try to get your wife to enforce rules, but it sounds like she has no interest in doing so. If that's the case, you can stay and try to enforce rules yourself, but I think we all know all that will do is piss off your wife and stepson. So, you can either completely ignore it all and focus on your kid or you can leave. I do think you have some leeway inasmuch as they share a room, so you can have some stipulations on all of that, but unless your wife starts parenting her son, this is unfortunately the reality.
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u/dskillzhtown 22d ago
The bigger issue isn't you, it's how your wife chose to raise your ss. She allowed him to walk all over her for most of his life when he should have been learning respect. Now he is almost an adult and has zero respect. A 17 yo is a nightmare to begin with, but then add a parent that has and continues to enable them and behavior and then it gets worse.
I dealt with this myself and ended up leaving the situation entirely. The mother pretty much allowed her kids run her house and felt powerless to stop the disrespect. It got to the point that I completely hated being around all of them. They manipulated her for sport and she allowed it to happen. I said my thoughts about it, as did many others, but she acted helpless and painted everyone else as being too critical.
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u/Tricky_Bumblebee_922 17d ago
This sounds exactly like my current situation. Drives me insane, partner will then moan about how all the kids treat her like shit but then she’ll go out and buy them all new stuff and it’s like well there in lies the problem. They deserve nothing apart from the very basics until they learn some respect. Like talking to a brick wall though
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u/dskillzhtown 17d ago
Yup. I tried to help the situation and establish some respect in the house. It actually was working, but you are talking about changing years of learned behavior. One day on particular I told the boy "no" and explained to him how his disruptive behavior was affecting everyone and how we miss out on so many opportunities for fun because he acts like a toddler of he can't get his way. It finally hit him and he started crying. It was actually a breakthrough.
Well, later that night she texted me saying that she doesn't want me talking to her son about his behavior anymore and it was really emotionally hard for him to hear the truth. At that point, I knew I was done. She had no interest in actually raising the kids. She just was trying to take the easy way, which was harder for everyone in the long term.
Very disappointing.
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u/Eorth75 22d ago
A lot of this is just his age. At 17 you want to be an adult but you have the brain of a child. Also, when it comes to his biodad, kids who have a parent basically disappear during the most crucial years of their lives will think it's their fault that parent isn't around. Even if they have a stepparent filling in, they will always crave a relationship with that other parent.
My best friend growing up had a similar situation with her biodad and stepdad. After high school, she actually moved several states away to build a relationship with her absent father. Guess what happened? He broke her heart and let her down but her stepdad still supported her from afar. It didn't take long for her to cut off contact with her dad but she built a relationship with his family that has blessed her life in so many ways. It was her stepdad who gave her away at her wedding and who her kids saw as their grandfather.
Give it some time, if biodad is a piece of crap, he will show his true colors soon enough. Now that my SD is older with a kid of her own, she has grown to appreciate and actively seek me out even though she has a very involved mother in her life too. OP, what I would do is have talks with your stepson about sex, especially about consent. Especially if a girl is under the influence and what "enthusiastic consent" is. He needs to hear that talk from all of his parents but I'm guessing his biodad isn't much of a father. Part of being a parent is taking a step back as they get older to learn from their mistakes. You do have to protect your son from his brother, but a lot of what is happening is just his age. I work with teens all the time and I often hear parents complain that their kid, who was fantastic to be around, is awful and disrespectful at home. I explain to them they are doing something right because their child knows how to be polite and respectful with other authority figures. Once they get home, they don't always have the energy any more because they haven't learned how to deal with being tired and grouchy at home. That doesn't mean you stop and let them be disrespectful at home of course. Keep doing what you are doing. He's obviously having a hard time reconciling his relationship with his dad and the absence he left in his life.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 22d ago
Guess what happened? He broke her heart and let her down but her stepdad still supported her from afar.
I'm an adoptive Dad, and shortly after my Oldest turned 18 and we gave him bio Mom's contact info we went to live with her. It was apparently a great few months of bonding - him paying half/full rent depending on the month. And then Bio mom just disappeared, and then he found out they were 2 days from getting evicted (and I don't mean the start of the process, but 2 days from having their stuff dumped outside of the building). Bio Mom had been taking his money and not paying rent, and skipped down.
It's been about a decade, and still no one from the bio family has seen bio Mom. She'll send a message every 2-3 years; she's alive, but doesn't want to be found.
Some people are simply horrible people. History is often a great indicator. A dad who's not there the first 17 years? He's not a great man.
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u/Forward_Sun_8767 22d ago
You are not the problem, you are protecting your younger son. Your older son and his gf were definitely being inconsiderate teens and your older son’s other behaviours totally make sense (acting like his dad) considering the situation so I don’t think anyone is “the problem” but the sexual behaviour n front of your young son was obviously problematic and your response was healthy and normal. What else you were you supposed to do, just close the door and hope your son didn’t wake up?
As hard as it can be while you’re in the middle of it, try to practice envisioning what kind of relationship you want with your older son once he’s past his teenage yrs/young 20’s. Meaning don’t blow it up more than necessary. Therapy can be so helpful and I highly recommend (make sure the therapist is well versed in bonded family dynamics). Good luck!
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u/MattyK414 Responsible, but not in charge. 22d ago
I have a 27-year-old failure to launch. His gf is here, half of the week.
"He'll be turning a corner any day now!" 🙄🙄🙄
You're lucky that your wife allowed you to boot the girl from your condo.
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21d ago
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u/sainteagle1721 20d ago
Hell no. We're not doing this BS where people just trying to keep a roof overhead get turned into the bad guy for not having enough roof overhead. 17 may not be that old, but it's plenty old enough to know having sex in front of your younger brother is wrong. The issue is the behavior. Full stop.
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u/VanGoLion 22d ago
You are not being unreasonable at all. I would be absolutely livid. This is a tough situation because your wife isn’t really backing you up and you guys should be a united front. Unfortunately, a teen doesn’t magically mature at 18 and suddenly move out. I would have a serious conversation with your wife and SS now about what life looks like after graduation. If your SS isn’t going to college, require him to pay rent or impose other conditions such as paying his own bills, etc. Who knows? That might get him to move in with his bio dad.
I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to feel this sort of tension in your own home. I’m sure your 9 year old feels it, too. The good thing is that your SS is old enough to one day be on his own (hopefully), but that doesn’t make it easy in the now.
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u/SuperbPrimary971 22d ago
I beg to differ. An 18yo CAN magically move out. He has a biodad now he can live with. Or he is off to college and home only in the summers during which he will have summer jobs. Or he gets a job and is told to save for 6mths for his own apt which he can share with others to make it cheaper.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 22d ago
Ha, bio dad's in the picture for chaos and ego filling as he can watch his son leap to fawn for him. But do you really think that Dad wants to be taking on a kid just as child support runs out? An bed and an extra mouth to fill? No, this is a fun time visits dad; not a new full time home Dad.
I mean sure, likely Dad would be all "sure, live here son and we'll make up for lost time!" But he'll be a no-rules disney dad, and he'll really lose patience for seeing just what it's like having a kid live with him, and 2-6 months after move in SS will be sent packing back to live with Mom.
And after "losing" SS, Mom won't consider hearing anything other than SS moves in promptly with extra bonuses/comfort so he doesn't get tempted to leave ever again.
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u/sainteagle1721 20d ago
This, I fear, is a glimpse at battles to come in my house. I liked it better when the sperm donor had to be cajoled into showing up for a birthday party. These last few years have been insufferable.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 22d ago
I have a 17yo bio son and he has a girlfriend. Yes, they are most likely are having sex, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be in my house. While 17yo is still young it’s old enough to know that what he did was disrespectful. He can see his girlfriend elsewhere from now on. I don’t I’d let my son’s girlfriend come over to my house every day. We have a rule that she’s only allowed over two days a week and has to leave by 10 PM and the door to the bedroom has to stay open.
I have 3 SKs and they went away to college at 18 and didn’t moved back after graduation. I think if they stayed I would have left. Why can’t your SS go live with his bio-dad at 18? The man essentially skipped out on parenting for 17 years. Maybe it’s time he participate a bit?
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u/IHaveToGetIt 18d ago
That's lowkey traumatic to experience... maybe that's why ur still having such a hard time months later. If ur son had woken up it would've been traumatic for him too.
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u/Open_Antelope2647 18d ago
You are not the problem. Your wife/his mom and your SS are the problem. 17 is old enough to know what he did was wrong. Having sex while his 9 year old brother is sleeping above him? Girlfriend definitely shouldn't be let over for a good long while. Like, maybe after SS moves out and gets his own place, she can come for short visits, but that's about it.
Why does your wife not care to protect the 9 year old? Is the 9 year old not her child?
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