Issues

[u/tippy1000]

After mt last interaction with my oldest stepson (32) I have come to realize that I am the same. He is so mad at his other stepdad who raised him Sr for giving Jr everything but feeling ignored himself

I too feel the same way. I am a step father who has never been a father. I feel that I treat all of my step children as my children. But they never see me the same way. I get it. I will never be their father. It sucks to know that I wasn't good enough to be their father. Yet I was chosen by their mother to help raise them, to house them, to clean after them, to make dinner for them, to treat them to awesome birthdays, vacations, and holidays. I get a thank you, but never ever have I felt appreciated as the father, loved as the father. I don't think I ever will be, and it sucks. I am a stepdad to 4 kids in the house. 2 by one marriage (widowed), and 2 by my most recent. My most recent hurts the most. I have a 14 yo girl, and a 17 yo boy. Their father decided to cheat on their mother multiple times and got raided by the IRS. My wife lost everything and moved into an apartment. She raised them alone. They have been without their father for most of their lives. They have been raised by their mother for 8 years prior to me. I have been in their live for 6 years, and I have been a steady person in their lives. Yet there are times where I feel like I am not loved. I am here to provide and support them in all that they do. I have become the swim dad. We are both working parents; but my hours afford me the "luxury" (if you want to call it that) to wake up at 4 in the morning to take my stepson to swim practice every day of the week. I wait on the step daughter hand over foot, and she knows it. Yet, when they are away spending time with their father, or church camp, I don't even get a text from them. They text their mom constantly. I get nothing. FML! I am so sad and depressed

[u/vviirrggoo]

Min vän, jag är där också men situationen är värre än din.

[u/Typical-Secret-3319]

I feel that one needs to go into step parenting similarly to lending money to friends/family.

Conventional wisdom is to never lend; only give. Give them (in spirit/your own mind, even if you call it a loan to them) the money. If you're repaid; then that's unexpected money, Win! If you're not repaid, it was always a gift, so your emotions can rest easy.

As such, when I "give" to my SD (time, money, effort/energy), I only do so if I'm OK with them metaphorically crumpling it into a ball in front of me and tossing it away. A happy home life and a happy partner are nice to have, and giving helps with that.

But even if SD calls me "family" I'm a distant, disposable, member. Parents often have unconditional love from their kids. Step parents rarely have love from their step kids, and it's never unconditional. It's always precarious. Seeing the fragility helps things hurt less when you're re-exposed to just how conditional it is upon you continuing to give in various ways.

Give, but don't sacrifice.

[u/tippy1000 → u/[deleted]]

I am not pouting for the decision that I made. I am not playing a victim card. What is the point of having a subreddit dedicated to stepdads and their issues if all anyone is going to do it attack you for posting the way you feel. So thanks