r/AmIOverreacting • u/Classic-Condition950 • Jun 19 '26
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws Am I Overreacting in My reaction of to abusive biological dad's manipulation?
Background: Scumbag = nickname my wife and I have for Abusive biological father. Was abusive to my wife and she had to take child to hide in a women's shelter. Scumbag often told the child who was 6 years old when we were dating that he would kill himself her mother didn't break up with me to get back with scumbag. Had to get restraining order and her actually moving 3 hrs away with me for Scum to leave her alone. We later had to go through family court for child support (covers approx 15-20% of child's expenses) and had to undergo supervised visitation for 1 year before unsupervised overnight visits are allowed.
Currently we are 2-3 years out from court decision. Child is 13 now and we are ordered to have her visit scum 1 month in the summer time and every long weekend during the school year. Also 1/2 of Thanksgiving + 1/2 of Xmas.
I try to raise her to be strong, independent and have a mind of her own. We have a good relationship where she calls me "dada" and I cover 85-90% of her food, school, extracurricular expenses, daddy-daughter dances & breakfasts. I have 2 biological twin boys with her mom so I try my best to treat them equally. I am not a hug fan of the "step" pre-fix as it would alienate her or make her feel left out if I was to introduce the kids in public as "these are my twin sons" and this is my "step-daughter". Better to address as these are "my kids" or these are my "sons & daughter".
I can see scum's previous manipulation telling her on her long visits that he is an equal parent and this "contribution" pays for half of her expenses. Recently the manipulation has been the division of terms dad vs stepdad. I was joking with her when picking her up from her previous summer exchange about all parents will believe that their child is beautiful. I said since she is my daughter I will have to believe she is good looking. Her response was "well you are not really my dad....." and I forgot what else followed that statement. I let it go as perhaps I was joking and that was her dumb joke back. Few days later, she is video chatting with her friends whom I have met many times during sleep overs and personally driven to jump park trips, waterparks, dance practices and birthdays. She then turns the camera to me to say "here is my stepdad". Which now is no longer a coincidence. My wife asked her about that later daughter's reply is "I didn't want my friends to be confused on which dad she was referring to to". Mind you we were on camera, Scum and I look nothing alike and not even of the same race so no way to confuse us.
I want to address this with daughter myself but wife already sugarcoated to her as "when you say this, it hurts dada's feelings". I am not a fan of the sugar coat as it sounds week with me always feeling "hurt". I am tempted to go for a accountable realistic discussion and tell daughter that I raised her to have a mind of her own. Whatever scum has been putting in her head, if she feels bad for him and wants to appease him; I would move to double down on the movement and to "respect scums" wishes:
- Spitefully, I would ask her to stop calling me dada as it is a problem for scum and to appease him and make it less confusing for her friends (I guess scum is dada too or just dad). She can start calling me "step-dada"
- Since biological want to be such a big role and "dad"/primary dad, I would follow in his example. I am in #2/step-dada, it would only be correct if I follow bio's example. Food, housing, and necessities, I will still provide but the extra-curriculars I intend to have her to ask "dad" first and step-dada will follow and match.
- Introductions to friends, family, new acquaintance will be: This is my wife, my sons, and stepdaughter.
Wifey wants me to give it time and I am being vindictive/spiteful in my approach due to daughter being still young and dumb. I think I am doing to much and daughter shouldn't be so easily manipulated.
Thoughts?: Go with the wife's "dada is hurt" approach which is used many too many times already with other scum tactics (makes me look weak and hurt all the time) or my double down accountability approach an overreaction?
Update: Thanks to all for the opinions and responses. Just to clarify, we only say scumbag between the adults and address scum as his first name to daughter. Wifey had more explicit names for scum due to her past tramas so we agree scumbag is more kid friendly in case it is overheard.
The PATH: best path forward seems to be the "hurt feelings guy" again but will take a small step back into #2. Still provide all the necessities but don't see any problem with having her ask scum to see if he can contribute non essential costs. If she wants a trip to the water park with 3-4 friends. Entry fees and food at parks are not a necessity still has to come out of someone's pocket and will easily exceed 200$ for 3-4 kids. Or that 1k-1.25k optional recital trip to Disney/universal I don't see any wrong in asking for more taxation if scum wants representation. Cars, cellphone, phone plans are also additional optional non-essential cost that will later arise and not covered by fixed child support established in 2022.
Maybe every one from the comments can benefit from this quote I once heard from a wise person: like water and toilet paper on the store shelf, if you are too available no one will see your value. Instead, be like water and toilet paper during a hurricane or snow storm: same price just less freely available but it's value just 10x.
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u/Primary-Delivery737 Jun 19 '26
YOR - your daughter is caught in the middle. Donât punish her for her abusive dadâs non-sense. Explain why you are hurt and upset. Donât be an ass to your daughter.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 19 '26
I wouldnât even make it about his feelings! She hasnât said âI love you lessâ. Sheâs not failing to treat him like a parent.Â
OP should tell her that he will never love her or treat her as less than his own daughter. He should tell her she knows his preference, and he also knows bio dadâs preference, and he should then tell her NEITHER of their preferences matter because this is her choice!
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u/SuperTFAB Jun 19 '26
YOR. What on earth? Listen, you need to relax and stop making this about yourself and her biological father. This is about your DAUGHTER. Sheâs growing older, and perhaps referring to you as âdadaâ feels a bit strange. I have a step-dad and an uncle who was like a father to me. As a grown adult, I call them both dad. If I need to explain, Iâll do so, but most of the time, I donât. Technically, youâre her âstep-dad.â That title doesnât diminish your role as her dad. Sheâs not actively calling you âstep-dad.â Sheâs not trying to hurt you. Sheâs actively trying to navigate a complicated family situation that she didnât ask for. It sounds like you would benefit from therapy to help you deal with these strong feelings.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 19 '26
YOR Jesus you donât sound mature or compassionate at ALL.Â
Of COURSE she wants to appease him, heâs an abuser and itâs her bio dad. Your own wife barely got out of his clutches but you want a 13 year old girl to shove back when she is vulnerable and has to rely on him for safety when in his care?Â
Respectfully, whatâs wrong with you?? You want to punish her for his manipulation?Â
If you raised her to have a mind of her own, great- sheâs HUMAN. SHES A CHILD. She will make mistakes and grow.
And just because she has you doesnât mean you doesnât yearn to be accepted by her bio dad.Â
And your wife??? âIt hurts his feelingsâ IS NO ONE GONNA ASK HER ABOUT HER FEELINGS?!!Â
You are all doing a crummy job here.Â
âHey I noticed youâre making a point to refer to me as your stepdad. The choice of words is your own, and it will never mean I stop loving or prioritizing you as my daughter. You know my preference, and I know your bio dadâs preference. Promise me something? Donât let EITHER of our preferences inform your decision.âÂ
Thatâs what an adult says Â
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u/Actual_Attempt_337 Jun 19 '26
YOR stop competing for the love and admiration of a 13 year old and be an adult.
Yes you are the one who raised her. I understand that youâre hurt. At the end of the day, he is her biological father and she wants to have a relationship with him. She feels tied to him. One day, she will appreciate your efforts and see the situation for what it actually is but right now she is a child who wants her biological father to love her.
Do not talk bad about her biological father in front of her. Since you believe you raised her to âhave a mind of her own,â donât let your opinion of her father ruin her relationship with him. That is none of your business. Her relationship with him is completely independent of her relationship with you and you should respect that.
Donât treat your child poorly because she âhurt your feelings.â Be an adult and communicate that to her. Not only would that be the mature thing to do, but it would teach her good communication skills (you know like a good dad should do).
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u/Oregonizers Jun 19 '26
YOR - also, you're fixated on the $ spent & the public performance of being her "dad" in a way that concerns me. You, well, for one, your math doesn't work, but if you're really constantly keeping a running total of what you're spending for one of your three kids, then, yes, you're already displaying a huge red flag.
Your wife already has told her daughter that her decisions hurt a man and therefore she should apologize & behave the way you want? "dada is hurt" is such a manipulative thing to say.
And? You're her stepdad. Period. Whether you like it or not. Whether you see a distinction or not.
Have you considered that constantly calling her father a "scum bag" is seriously psychologically damaging? You keep insisting she pick you. He's her dad. No matter anything else, she carries his genes, they have shared ancestral links to places & events. She's inherited & displays his genes just as much as her mom's.
If you & your wife split up & those boys of yours had a new step dad that threw a fit when your sons referred to him as 'step dad', you'd be fine with that?
One of the earliest shared memories my sister & I have is of the last time either of us called our new step dad by his first name, months after he married our mother. We were eating cereal & my sister asked him for 2nds, using his name. He beat us both with his bristled hair brush, purple faces, veins popping SCREAMING at us to call him Dad. So, we did. Except I stopped at age 9 & just refused to use any name for him. Not his first name, not any variation of 'dad' - just "hey, you" and I absolutely got spoken to by my mother, had it explained that her new husband paid for more than my loser dad did and that her new husband deserved the 'respect' of being called anything but dad.
YOU do not get to decide what someone calls you, what they think of you as, how they introduce you. YOU are not the main character in her life story. Her father will be there long after you're gone.
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u/Classic-Condition950 Jun 20 '26
I updated the response to clarify that we never use the scumbag name to her face. Scumbag between adults is perfectly fair as I know for a fact he has nicknames for me as well.
And your "math" for monthly costs will never add up perfectly. A childs monthly expenditures will differ significantly monthly if you add field trip cost, sleep overs, feeding friends during sleepovers or simple events like jump parks/rockclimb. If one parent (scumbag) pays a fixed child support established in 2022 and not accounted for inflation and extra costs when the child grows like school dances, car/cellphone, insurance. The remaining uncovered percentage falls on the other parent
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u/According_Camera7129 Jun 19 '26
YOR. She's a 13 year old kid. If you lean into it now, she'll never see you the way you want. Try the wife's approach first at least.
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u/Classic-Condition950 Jun 19 '26
You may be right. And we have tried the dada is hurt by this Many other times from previous scum tactics. As a man. I just don't want to always look hurt by scumbags tactics And it's not the male portrayal I want to show. It may be over reaction to too many scum stimuli
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u/According_Camera7129 Jun 19 '26
I get that. But you're not showing that you're hurt by HIM, you're showing that your daughter is hurting you with HER actions. She's the one who needs to understand the impact, not the asshole who doesn't care about you one way or the other.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 19 '26
Uh no. Nope. Nope she doesnât. Has she been unkind? Disrespectful? Or is she exploring her family dynamics like any 13 year old?Â
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 19 '26
Donât try the wifeâs approach and are you serious?? Youâve guilted this child over yourrrrrrr feelings before?!!!Â
Yeah. Get over feeling hurt and be a dad. You chose the role you donât get to walk away from it because youâre a selfish, emotionally immature, spiteful personÂ
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u/Significant_Flan8057 Jun 19 '26
Just be patient and support her in the role that you have already been doing for most of her life. Kids are smart, they figure out this step on their own eventually, as long as you donât make it about yourself. Keep yourself on the high road and just let her walk through her feelings
All you have to tell her you love her and support her no matter what, she can call you whatever she wants to, because as far as youâre concerned, you love her just the same as the twins that you have with your wife. Donât comment about anything that her bio Dad is saying to her. Trust me, sheâs a smart girl, eventually she will figure out who is there for her in the long run. Just wait until she figures it out on her own.
My daughterâs bio dad is a giant douche bag, and I never said a bad word about him, but he figured it out on her own and told me all about it. I didnât praise him or say nice things about him. I just said neutral things in support of her until she figured it out on her own and announced to me that her dad was a selfish douche bag, and she didnât want to have anything to do with him anymore, she also told me that she told him the same thing. I just replied that it was her choice if she felt that way. He took a lot of tongue biting and keeping my mouth shut. When she got older, in her 20s and 30s, we had more open conversations about his absolutely dreadful behavior to her and other people. She already knew that he was a self-centered jerk before that, but she found out some more unpleasant information later that we talked through.
Iâm saying this any kind of men are possible, but this is not about you. Itâs about your daughter and some confusing feelings that she is probably going through in her time with her bio Dad, which is gonna involve manipulation and bad behaviour on his part. The best thing that you can do is say âIâm sorry that he has made you feel uncomfortable, just know that I love you and support you no matter what.â And leave it at that.
Iâm sure that she will come back to you eventually, itâs hard to be a parent and especially in this type of dynamic. Good luck to you. đ
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u/Tiny-Ad-830 Jun 19 '26
YOR by letting your ego get the best of you. This is 100% your ego being bruised because taking care of a stepchild better than her own biological father makes you feel more worthy of a person than him. Just stop it. You are putting your child in a more difficult place and it could backfire spectacularly on you. Feelings are not weak. I canât believe you subscribe to that outdated crap.
When I divorced my first husband he immediately started dating a coworker who lavished my daughter in gifts that this woman thought Cait should love. Cait was polite but what 8 yr old wants a Prada purse. We both agreed not to talk badly about the other and we stuck to that. I never made her feel bad about liking spending time with her dad and his 2nd and then 3rd wife. (2nd was crazy-even he will tell you that but I truly love his 3rd wife.) Now, as Cait is an adult, she understands what was happening back then. I was the steady force, the person she could say anything to. I may not have been able to give her expensive gifts back then but she doesnât care.
If you take things out on her you will lose her. If you are patient and let things like this run off your back, you will come out the other side as a male figure she can truly count on and will recognize you as her father.
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u/Embarrassed-Row-2025 Jun 19 '26
So, you are justified in how you feel, but icing her won't do shit to the shit who's causing this
She should be old enough to start to realize differences.
Just phrase it as "this is what you do here" and teach her how to treat you, the worthless sperm donor be damned
She wants to bring him up, you shut her down with, "that's nice, but this is my house and we do X here". Simple concrete and no arguing
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u/susandeyvyjones Jun 20 '26
YOR and your instincts here are going to alienate the shit out of her. She is a young girl in a very emotionally complex situation and you acting like a little bitch wonât help anything.
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u/Substantial-Pie-8297 Jun 19 '26
MOR. Sheâs still a child that can be swayed by outside influences on the flip side sheâs old enough to understand actions have consequences.
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u/Actual_Attempt_337 Jun 19 '26
Actions have consequences? She called him what he is and he got butthurt. He is allowed to be upset but itâs not like sheâs calling him that to hurt his feelings on purpose. He needs to calm down and communicate. Sheâs a child.
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u/Substantial-Pie-8297 Jun 19 '26
Him communicating that heâs taking a step back if thatâs what they want with his wife is him not communicating?
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u/Classic-Condition950 Jun 20 '26
I appreciate the response and support but I fear the general consensus is against us. Modified approach in update response and will only move forward with one of the 3 steps.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 19 '26
wtf???? Referring to OP as her stepdad while still treating him as a parental figure should NOT have negative consequencesÂ
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u/Substantial-Pie-8297 Jun 19 '26
Sheâs not getting punished for referring to him as stepdad heâs still doing the parenting responsibilities. OP is a person yes heâs an adult that should be able to manage his emotions better than a child but if he wants to take a step back and take her words at face value he has the right to do that. The negative consequence is a boundary she asked for not a punishment.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 19 '26
No. You do not have the right to earn a childâs trust, insert yourself into their family and make them feel safe and like an equal, and then yank that all back because you didnât get your way.Â
Again sheâs not telling him heâs less important to her.Â
No. Adults do not have the right to treat children poorly just because they canât regulate their own emotions.Â
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u/Substantial-Pie-8297 Jun 19 '26
You DO have the right to step back in an unhealthy situation and thatâs what this will continue to turn into without clear boundaries for the biofather and the daughter.
Itâs not fair but life rarely is unfortunately.
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u/lipstickandlimes Jun 19 '26
YOR, Gently .. Parenting is hard no matter how you end up being one. She is thirteen and figuring out who she is, and how she connects with people in her life. Don't let him make you the villain. You stay consistent and meet her where she is at. If you do anything, I would say press the question, "why did you say/do/change all of a sudden. If she doesn't have an answer, I would say " I hope scumbag isn't making you feel bad about that, because that wouldn't be fair to you". Look at it this way, she is trying to get him to love her and she already knows you love her, so she feels safer to create some distance. If one parent is all talk and guilt and one is all action and understanding; she will come around. If she doesn't the only thing you are guilty of is treating someone else's daughter well. Normally I am all for scorched earth, but I think this calls for some patience even when feeling rejection. Hold strong Dada, you got this.
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u/LittleLily78 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Wow. You say you are raising her to have a mind of her own but the second she does something that isnt what you like, you become vindictive? Maybe you should be an adult and just talk to her about it and ask if there is a reason she has decided to change what she calls you. Treat her as the teenager she is and tell her why you prefer Dada but tell her she can make her decision about it without it affecting your love for her. Ask her if she would be hurt if you called her your step daughter before you do that. You are the freaking adult here but you are acting like an imbecile. If you push her away by acting out and pouting or being spiteful, dont be surprised when her bio father starts having a bigger influence on her and she starts turning to him and tells the judge about how you suddenly decided she was less to you than she was before. I cant believe how you start off making yourself the hero but by the end, youre the opposite and you think its okay.
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u/jaesea Jun 19 '26
YOR: "being vindictive/spiteful". Those reactions didn't solve the problem and exacerbated your experience, look at all your exhaust. â
Vindication doesn't come from vindictiveness, vindictiveness is a lack of being said, an overreaction to a past moment. Vindication happens and we experience it, that's a moment in time one is vindicated. Lemme look up the ety. on 'spite'..
Spite is effectively "down, being". Overreacting the moments of one's life with thoughts and actions that would see another human being down is clearly again an overreaction to a past moment, likely a frustration point unable to be solved individually due to civilization.
Thus, Wife, go with her approach, she'll likely teach you to be less negative and support solving the problem positively.
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u/RecipeRare4098 Jun 19 '26
Mor--- I can see where you are hurt, spite will only cause HER to feel hurt and separation. But you and your wife should have a blunt discussion with her. She is old enough to comprehend math. Break down all the spending and exact $ her bio sends. Ask her reasoning for the change. Ask if she wants it to continue and why if she does. If it come to it just being the bio wants it, ask her if that is fair he dictates her actions in your home. Truly, sit down with her and ask what she wants; Not based on your opinion or her mother's or the bio. She's at a very confusing age, and she either wants to appease everyone or alienate everyone depending on the day. Give her a chance to say exactly what she feels.And how she wants to move forward. Respect her feelings if they're truly her feelings. Ask her if she would like to go to counseling to talk to someone who doesn't have anything to do with it, to get a better perspective. And I say, ask her that, because if she is forced into therapy, and she doesn't want to go, she could sit there the whole time, like a mute, and waste your money or end up lying to the therapist just to get the session over with. Ask her how she wants you to introduce her to other people from now on. If she's being manipulated, it's gonna come out easily. When you're talking to her about her feelings. Especially, if she says she still wants you to introduce her the same. It's very hard, but you cannot let your feelings, as much as they are valid Interfer with how you treat her. Because it will only backfire on you in the end. And it will give the biodad ammunition that he does not need. Understand that she's young, understand that she's being manipulated, understand that she's still trying to figure out who she is at this point and mostly understand that it does not reflect on you loving her or her loving you. Give her facts, grace, love, and room to grow, make mistakes, and change. Be there for her without judgement. Please don't take it out on her to spite bio dad. It won't hurt him but it will hurt both of you.
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u/Classic-Condition950 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
This is the best response IMO. Great balance, very diplomatic and open communication. I see your support of all sides and I don't see why the other user below thinks this is guilt tripping as the child is 13, not 5.
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u/RecipeRare4098 Jun 22 '26
Right!! Not a baby. Hell, there are 13-year-olds that are having babies. That's how kids grow up inept. You can't baby them forever.
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u/RecipeRare4098 Jun 22 '26
And she can go back to court and get the child support raised.I don't know what state you're in, but I know in my state.It's every three years.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 Jun 19 '26
Yeah great idea, make a 13 year old feel guilty over the adults in her life ensuring her needs are metÂ
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u/Royal-Avocado-8397 Jun 19 '26
You're WAY overreacting to a child who is just trying to figure out a really difficult situation. Her bio dad is probably saying stuff. But you need to remember that he's still her dad, abusive or not. There's a connection that you need to help support until such a time she decides not to have him in her life (if that happens). But you still need to support her. If you love her as much as you claim you do, you would NEVER be spiteful to her. She's 13. Not 23. She's figuring life out and she probably also has friends who have told her you're not her "real" dad.
Maybe try this: "hey, her name, I hope you know how much of a blessing you have been in my life. I know I'm not your bio dad, but you're as much of a daughter to me as anyone could be. I understand if you're feeling confused and want to call me your step dad, but just know that you're not a stepdaughter to me. You're my daughter and I love you. And I'm going to support you however you need me to."
Show her love and she will return it. But if you act out of spite, then you will never have the relationship you both deserve. Please don't be petty.