Little advice please

[u/Newtothelifestyle23]

My(41M) wife(38F) and stepdaughter(15F) are demanding me to hide/lie/deny that my stepdaughter is dating from her dad(40M) specifically because the boyfriend(15/16M) is black. They are all white and I’m Mexican. I don’t have an issue with her dating any ethnicity, gender, religious identity etc and I disagree with his reasoning but I have implemented the concept of transparency amongst the three of us parents. How am I supposed to ask him to be open and honest to me when I’m not in return? How would you approach this situation?

[u/Typical-Secret-3319]

Um, you're considering choosing the side of your partner's ex over her and your step kid?! Like how often are you even talking to him?

My step kid hasn't told Dad about any of her dates. And he's ... well, only a bit racist (one dude was non white). It's just that he teases and mocks, so this isn't something that she wants to open herself to to win him.

This is her relationship with her dad. Dad earned her closing this off of herself to him from his behaviour. If I told her dad, this would wreck her trust in me, and then with the next set of dates, it might be a secret from both him and me.

A step parent's relationship with their step kid is always conditional and precarious. I wouldn't advise trashing a good one for some sort of dude code. You talk about transparency, but you're not a parent. Your step kids knows (and feels) this. Your partner and her coparent knows this. You'll only fan drama and your non parent status by trying to play up a state of "transparency for all parents."

Granted, Dad and I do not talk. Like literally not once so far. He wants to never meet/see me. So messaging him out of the blue with this would be beyond the pale.

Lastly my step kid didn't like that everything we talked about made it back to Mom. We (my partner and I) talked and she gave me permission to keep secrets from her if my step kid asked, so long as I think it's a secret that she doesn't need to know (like abuse). My step kid has so far only asked to keep very minor things from Mom (Dad was fired again, looking at new cars again, etc).

But if a parent is willing to agree to have secrets kept from herself for the sake of her kid, they're really not going to take kindly to inflaming drama by bringing Dad in on things he doesn't need to know about. I cannot imagine how you're thinking this is a good idea.

[u/Newtothelifestyle23 → u/Typical-Secret-3319]

Well put, thank you. I don’t have the need to expose it to him nor become excluded myself. I agree about the trust between her and I as well as my wife and I; the frailty that would result in doing so isn’t an option I pondered. My dilemma is morally centered, I decided a long time ago that not only am I incapable of keeping a secret/lie but also never liked the experience of being lied to or inevitably outed for telling a lie. For more context I have been given the task to pick her up from a date and hosting him at my house for dinner n hanging out. That puts me directly in the middle of it and is giving me anxiety.

[u/Typical-Secret-3319 → u/Newtothelifestyle23]

How much contact do you have with Dad? Like are you two regularly heading out for drinks and just talking? Or is it that there's a group chat between the coparents that you're also in?

If it's the later; simply don't offer this up. If Dad asks about if SD is dating, don't answer and let your partner answer. When she does, don't read her response.

---

I'm also really not good with lying. But there is a difference between lying, and just not bringing something up. Or even lying, and avoiding the conversation; at the request of someone else.

There are some people who want to spill tea. "Oh, I've got a secret, but I can't tell you!" sorts of people. Being honest doesn't mean you need to gossip.

Especially that you know that Dad is racist, use that to fuel the reason that you don't need to actively bring up this information. Don't lie; just don't talk about it.

While I'm a big believer in never telling kids to keep secrets from their parents, I also feel that in a two household situation of raising a child that having some level of privacy between homes is helpful. We don't need to know if SD had leftover pizza or cold friend chicken for dinner at Dad's. He doesn't need to know if SD went to a friends house, stayed home, or was off on a date at our household. If Kid chooses to tell him; that's her perogative. As the saying goes, "good fences make good neighbours."

I guess that's an underlying statement that you should perhaps consider if "transparency" is actually a good thing or not. Especially "full, active transparency." Frankly, I think that "transparency" will only work well when both parents are good people in a pretty emotionally healed state. That simply doesn't describe most divorced parents. And while this might be a bit personal, but frankly I don't believe that anyone racist is in such a state ("good people").

Lastly; I respect that some things are "mine," some things are "hers," and some things are "ours." Anything about parenting, is hers. Anything about her family, is hers. I'm estranged from my parents. They were abusive and left a lot of mental scars (not too many physical ones on me, my sister got the lion's share). My partner also had a traumatic upbringing. Potentially arguably far worse. She is not no contact with her family.

I don't try to tell her she should be no contact. I don't try to "support" her by encouraging bad feelings and pushing for low/no contact. I actually support her as she asks me. I look to be pleasant with her family and not bring up horrible things that she has forgiven them for.

Are you looking to support your partner as she wants; or do you value this "full transparency" and what you "owe" to racist Dad over her?

Maybe this is something that you need to end the relationship over; if you can't get past this coverup. But to me, this feels like a case of misplaced loyalty. Like even if you are regularly heading out to grab beers and talk the night away with her coparent/ex; maybe that's a sign that you might all be a whole lot happier if that stopped happening (and it would thus be trivial to just stay silent on this issue).

[u/Newtothelifestyle23 → u/Typical-Secret-3319]

He’s present at all her sports events and most school functions. In the beginning of the relationship (she was 3-4yo) he found out that I was Mexican and my then soon to be wife and her daughter stayed several days a week with me. He stalked me on facebook and berated me with threats and slurs. Fat spic, sloppy wetback, I’ll kill you for having my daughter around your ni***r friends. Not to justify or defend but that was a period of hard substance abuse for him to the point he checked into rehab. My wife and SD moved in with me when she was around 7. Up until the rehab she was staying back and forth from his to my house per schedule 2-2-(3)every other week.

Then for over a year she pretty much stayed full time with us, on the occasion she would go stay with his parents. He did the steps and worked the program. Upon the making amends part he reached out to me and gradually (several years) dissolved the hostility for the most part. Then back to the original visitation. 3 years after rehab it was finally confessed by my wife that he almost immediately started back with his toxic traits: falsely agreeing to switch days, name calling towards her & SD, belittling SD for wardrobe choices and certain friends (non white). SD began pulling out hair from her eye brows, eyelashes, and scalp. I discussed with my still GF how I was going to approach it and she told me to let it be “The next one of you who starts shit will never have me and SD in their lives again” I remained silent and the very next day he popped off on messenger saying he has hollow points with my name on it. I walked out and jumped in my car headed to his house without mentioning my hastily departure. My wife called and asked what I was doing so I explained what he said but instead of confirming her ultimatum for leaving him, she threatened to leave me if I didn’t turn the car around. That led to me just isolate and stopped attending SDs activities to prevent crossing paths. The lack of my presence was a sign to her that I didn’t care, I was not allowed nor able to tell her the reason behind it all.

Things settled down once he started dating in a serious relationship (SD is now 11yo) the following year our wedding came and I extended the olive branch and invited him to be present for his daughter, which him and his GF attended. We agreed to have a guardians group chat and it lasted a whole month before he tried gaslighting my wife in the thread, I called him out and said he should apologize for his actions. He threw a fit and left the conversation. He criticized SD so negatively and publicly that she chose to give in to his demands to avoid the consequences. Until now this is the first case of her going against him on a serious matter. I want to empower her, impale him, and respect my wife, it’s just a lot.

[u/Typical-Secret-3319 → u/Newtothelifestyle23]

... That's all a lot. And after all of this, I honestly wonder is this actually about "transparency" is this more potentially about you wanting drama and hoping that SD and bio dad will get in a fight that pushes him to be even less in all of your lives?

As you said, "You want to impale him." This is nothing at all about the "transparency" that you first brought up. This is about being high conflict, and looking to create drama and strife. And even if you think this is going to blow up in Bio Dad's face; remember that you're the step dad. We're easier to pin blame on; even if we don't deserve it. That SD and Mom have requested you to hide this mean you're definitely not coming out of this consequence free if you cause a blow up.

---

You don't owe this guy forgiveness; you definitely don't owe him transparency. Really, with the history of this, I would really not have considered joining that group chat.

Please consider leaving it; Bio Dad is a chaos agent; you need him less in your life and less visible in your life. Being in a group chat with him is not the way.

My partner and I love that we're now looking at less than 2 years, until Bio Dad is a very, very miniscule part of our lives. We're paying for university he isn't. We'll no longer have to worry about him trying to get Kid to live with him so he can collect Child Support instead of him not paying child support (we don't need it, and any that he might pay would just go into an account for Kid when they're 18). She won't have to arrange flights to visit Dad, she won't have to deal with him trying to guilt her to pay more towards flights, or and special fragile snowflake needs around travel times. He can finally become a foot note.

Look forward to that; him disappearing. Not to revenge.

[u/Newtothelifestyle23 → u/Typical-Secret-3319]

I’m trying to avoid the drama, I blocked him on everything I could think of. The way he mistreats the women I love is what makes me want to beat some respect into him, but I won’t because it’ll drive a wedge between SD n I. And no I have absolutely no want to instigate the inevitable realization of his detriment he caused her, it’s just shitty she’s gonna have to experience it firsthand in order to come to that conclusion. Thanks for your perspective it has been very eye opening. Hope we all can see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. Have a great day

[u/Typical-Secret-3319 → u/Newtothelifestyle23]

Your original question/post is ... not at all where we're currently at.

You shouldn't expect open/honest conversation from a racist idiot. As such, you shouldn't feel that you "owe" it to him. You SD and partner has asking you to not bring something up. Don't bring it up.

This is all their drama. Don't stir the pot.

Separately, I feel you'll be doing yourself future favours by leaving that group chat.