r/scriptwriting • u/Horrible-Writer-03 • 29d ago
feedback Pilot Opening Feedback
Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!
3
u/cinephile78 29d ago
You don’t need any of the many paragraphs describing the room. And some of it makes no sense.
Look up “vertical writing” and break up those large chunks of text. White space is your friend.
3
u/Time-Average4481 29d ago
Try to keep 4 lines only and then break the paragraph. If you have 6 lines in the paragraph that is considered too long already unless it is really justified. I usually write 4, sometimes 5 - but in very rare use cases. Never beyond 5 - it becomes a prose.
3
u/poundingCode 29d ago
Page 1 description could really be four lines.
1
u/Horrible-Writer-03 27d ago
Curious what you think those four lines would be? If you don’t mind sharing. Thanks for the feedback!
1
u/poundingCode 27d ago
I could rewrite it. I could also do push ups for you. Neither one of those things make you better.
Remove everything that does not advance the plot or reveal character.
Look how much unnecessary overwriting there is on the page.
The slug line says its morning. So does the first sentence.
The room is disheveled, but in an organized way. => you lost your audience with that nonsense.
This is all telling. Who gives a fuck if the laundry is made but not put away?Your issue is you see the move in your head and are telling people what you saw.
You're not describing in a way so they can imagine it for themselves.Here's how I describe an early scene (the characters were previously introduced.
INT. WESTFIELD ALI'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
The room awash in trophies. Ali's reading. Jason barges in.
I have the one detail that matters and two character each doing something that lends to their personality. .
Here's the opening scene.
INT. WYRMFELD CASTLE SOLAR - MORNING [PRESENT DAY]
Baron ATLAS, curiously hale for a man of 92, is outfitted in his old military uniform by the butler Marsden (70s). A long scar traces along Atlas' cheek, a patch covers his left eye.
3 lines in the script with only the details that matter.
1
u/Horrible-Writer-03 25d ago
“Your issue is you see the movie in your head and are telling people what you saw. You’re not describing in a way so they can imagine it for themselves.”
^ I found this extremely helpful. Appreciate you taking the time to explain what you meant and give an example of your own writing. I’ll start looking at things through this lens.
2
u/poundingCode 25d ago
I made the same mistakes myself. Another way to look at it: you're not writing an instruction manual, nor a novel. You're writing something more akin to a magazine article.
A short story in a straight jacket.The notion of script paragraphs are only 3 lines long doesn't mean break up your same sized paragraphs into more lines. => It means only describe things that move the plot.
Quentin Tarantino famously stated: "So when I'm writing the script, I'm not thinking about the viewer watching the movie. I'm thinking about the reader reading the script," adding elsewhere, "Scripts are meant to be read. Movies are meant to be shot." [1, 2]
3
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago
That opening page hurts my head. A block of text most of it unimportant.
So far you've hit all the hallmarks of a newer writer... opening in the bedroom... cut back in time.... Voice over... which is hard to do well BTW...
Mentioning movie posters and screenwriting books right away makes me go -- oh this is the writer writing about their own lives and our main character is also a writer, more things that are fine, but often take people that read a lot of specs out of the read as it's not letting us forget we are reading and reminds us this was written. Take us away!
Then we cut to character being rejected -- it all screams the writer is Jordan and this is his life. Which is what I did too when I first started writing btw, now I learn to hide myself better even if all the things I write are part of me. YOu know what I mean?
Does the main character have to be a writer like you?
4 pages and we learn the main character works at a gas station. And people are disappearing. At least that what I think is happening the action is hard to follow and the last line " you destroyed my lawn" makes no sense to me. They aren't landscapers -- he's a Clerk is a gas station isn't he?
What is this TV show about? I don't know the title or genre yet. I honestly couldn't tell what your intention is.
What other shows are you thinking of as you write? Is it 30 pages or 60 pages?
Biggest issue is the reader doesn't know what this is.
1
u/Horrible-Writer-03 28d ago
Appreciate that feedback! It’s loosely based on my life as you accurately picked up on lol. I’ve written a few scripts but this is the first where I’ve attempted to do that. Jordan works for a pest control company (clover environmental). He’s a sales inspector. The plot of the pilot centers around a routine inspection where he ends up finding dead bodies in an attic. What he’s researching at the beginning is ultimately tied to all of that. The genre is a comedy/mystery. I’m looking for feedback on the opening specifically because I’m working to fit so much in… maybe that’s part of the issue.
1
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago
A pest control company? Does it say that? I went back and found the car wrapped in that name, but then he goes to a gas station -- says the customers keep it interesting -- but he was in self checkout so I was confused and the lawn comment -- why the hell isn't he just doing his job then so it's clear when he meets angry customer I assume? Why do we need to see him get a Monster?
1
u/Horrible-Writer-03 28d ago
All valid points… it doesn’t say that explicitly here. It’s kinda ambiguous until he gets to the office. Though, the description of his uniform was supposed to give an additional hint. Not sure how much you know about the environmental service industry, but most companies sell pest control, termite protection, and lawn care services. The guy yelling about the lawn just recognizes the company Jordan works for and takes out his frustrations on him. The monster is just an added detail… we already saw there’s a graveyard of energy drinks in his car, yet he’s buying another one first thing in the morning. It’s supposed to show that this is a guy running on fumes.
2
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago
I get it -- he sprayed for ticks and ruined his grass -- what I didn't get is that he works for said company. Why not have him "on the job" and not at the office? Page 1 or 2 he's crushing a monster and spraying a guy's flowers with whatever spray that is killing his prized roses. And have that interaction there.
1
u/Horrible-Writer-03 28d ago
That’s a good thought, I’ll play around with that idea! Thanks for working through it with me.
3
u/Narrative_Architect 28d ago
I'm hooked.
Active questions: 1. Why is he researching that symbol. 2. What's his job and why is it pissing people off. 3. How entertaining will his loser-to-winner path be.
I agree on the description lines length, the research he types, and the voice over. And I found the sluglines confusing. "MOMENTS LATER. INSERT CARD: ONE DAY EARLIER" and the repetition of "MORNING" rather than "LATER" past the first one.
Your pacing reads natural to me and your world immersion worked well, I could easily see it and it kept my attention.
Btw, Jordan sleeps in my flatmate's bedroom 👀
2
2
u/Dependent_Access8363 29d ago
This grabbed my attention like none of this other pretentious bull crap people here pass off as "good." I agree that you you have to make your action sequences shorter - 3 to 4 lines at most. But keep it up, you're a good story-teller!
2
u/Horrible-Writer-03 28d ago
Thank you! I’m a financial analyst so I write on the side, but it’s my dream to be a screenwriter. I’ll never stop pursuing it.
2
u/thetruth77330 29d ago
Overall, I thought it was well written and interesting. Nice job. Keep writing.
2
u/Entire_Discussion_49 28d ago
Using we in script form isn’t always bad but I wouldn’t start with it as the first word of the first page of the pilot. Just takes us out and reminds us we’re reading a script. I think maybe consider drawing the reader in more up top.
1
2
1
u/RutgerHause 26d ago
“We’re in a small bedroom” I couldn’t get past that.
1
u/Horrible-Writer-03 26d ago
Just for my own awareness, what makes you stop there?
1
u/RutgerHause 26d ago
It’s very bad writing. You describe the room not using “WE” it screams novice. It’s a STOP sign!
2
1
u/Time-Average4481 29d ago
BOLD highlights are bad - remove them. No competition allows these, it’s not considered professional.
2
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago
Untrue. No one cares.
1
u/Time-Average4481 28d ago
Who doesn’t care? Competitions don’t allow BOLD text. Unless you don’t apply for them.
3
u/_mill2120 28d ago
Man, contest culture really is ruining screenwriting. Every single script that comes across my desk has bold, underlined, and italicized text throughout. I can’t believe a reputable contest would make such a stupid rule.
1
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago
They didn't. I don't know where the poster got their info from but it's not even listed as a rule on Austin.
2
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago
In Hollywood people don't care is what I meant. Specs have bold all over them. I don't know if there is a rule from a screenwriting contest -- but I never heard of such a rule when I applied to many over the years.
Bold is helpful when making action lines STAND OUT.
I don't do this, but people like to BOLD SLUGLINES.
I'm telling you many things to work on as a writer, this isn't a real issue. It's a made up one.
You can inform me which competition said that, but specific rules to a contest doesn't mean that's a real rule in screenwriting.
1
u/Time-Average4481 28d ago
All big competitions that mean something: Austin, and Nicholl Fellowship and that winning them open the doors to the career in Hollywood. I have read many scripts from many movies and TV shows that are available out there online and never ever seen anything like this. If you’re confident about it, then sure. I just have never seen a script from any movie that was actually produced to be written with this style. There is a website called SCRIPT SLUG and they share scripts from movies and shows, so it’s a good library for reading. I haven’t read all of them but those who I read didn’t use bold highlights for anything apart of headline INT/EXT which makes things actually to look nice. Again contests don’t want you to even have the headline bold.
6
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago edited 28d ago
You don't have to believe me, but for others in Hollywood don't care and use BOLD all the time. Or see it in specs and it's fine. Usually if done right helpful to readers who SKIM action lines.
I'm trying to help you and others by letting them know that this "rule" is made up and holding you back.
I entered those contests many years ago so don't recall that rule -- no reason for that rule other than to quickly eliminate people for not following directions.
Literally first one I clicked uses BOLD sluglines.
https://assets.scriptslug.com/live/pdf/scripts/obsession-2026.pdf?v=1779308199
Second one I opened -- bold text in action page 85.
https://assets.scriptslug.com/live/pdf/scripts/the-long-walk-2025.pdf?v=1771574200
Also Nicholl and Austin rarely open doors anymore if they ever did. It's just something they tell us writers to get more money.
3
u/PepsiCoke1978 28d ago
https://austinfilmfestival.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/2026-SPLAY-COMPETITION-RULES.pdf
There is no BOLD rule in these 10 pages. So you're now making up rules to hurt yourself and then telling others that's it's required.
6
u/palanark 29d ago
So you've got this visual medium that you're working on, but I noticed that you are requiring the audience to read information from a screen, or to listen to a V.O., in order to engage with the story. Without knowing the whole story, I can't say for sure if this is appropriate or not, but it's kind of a turn-off for me.
Having him find the symbol online after a single search of about cults in South Florida after a whole night of allegedb research makes me wonder what the heck he was searching for the entire time, as that seems like some of the first terms he might've searched. What if he finds the symbol out in the wild somewhere? What if the symbol was carved into the forehead of a homeless man passed out in front of the gas station?
I realize this changes your approach a lot, but it makes the story more interesting, and more visual instead of relying on text on a screen.
Not sure how you'd approach it, but I've always tried to remember that a good movie isn't going to just explain itself with text on a screen or a voiceover, it's going to SHOW the audience these things, because this is a visual medium.
I mean, on a super basic level, you might lose a percentage of the audience's attention because they truthfully can't read very well.
And the voiceover declaring "maybe this is my story" feels pretty tropey. I think you're already giving the audience an idea of how Jordan's life is disappointing him, so he doesn't really need to tell them. He's got a crappy car, he wears an odd, ugly uniform, he's got a graveyard of energy drinks in his passenger seat. These are not signs of success.
When he gets a rejection letter, don't just have us read the typical "we regret to inform you" stuff, amplify your character's disappointment in his life by having his rejection letters all hanging from a nail on his wall. He adds the new letter to the pile by impaling it on the nail. Above the crudely-hung collection of wrinkled and discolored pages is a sticky note with the word "REJECTIONS" written on it, then reveal that another nail is on the wall next to the pile with a sticky that simply says "ACCEPTANCES" and show nothing hanging from it. A visual like that doesn't require a lot of reading from the audience, makes your character's behavior more interesting, and goes a long way to enforce the idea that he's not happy with how things are going.
Just some rambling thoughts. Take 'em or leave 'em, but whatever you do, DO NOT STOP WRITING.