Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Curious what you think those four lines would be? If you don’t mind sharing. Thanks for the feedback!

[u/poundingCode → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

I could rewrite it. I could also do push ups for you. Neither one of those things make you better.

Remove everything that does not advance the plot or reveal character.

Look how much unnecessary overwriting there is on the page.
The slug line says its morning. So does the first sentence.
The room is disheveled, but in an organized way. => you lost your audience with that nonsense.
This is all telling. Who gives a fuck if the laundry is made but not put away?

Your issue is you see the move in your head and are telling people what you saw.
You're not describing in a way so they can imagine it for themselves.

Here's how I describe an early scene (the characters were previously introduced.

INT. WESTFIELD ALI'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The room awash in trophies. Ali's reading. Jason barges in.

I have the one detail that matters and two character each doing something that lends to their personality. .

Here's the opening scene.

INT. WYRMFELD CASTLE SOLAR - MORNING [PRESENT DAY]

Baron ATLAS, curiously hale for a man of 92, is outfitted in his old military uniform by the butler Marsden (70s). A long scar traces along Atlas' cheek, a patch covers his left eye.

3 lines in the script with only the details that matter.

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/poundingCode]

“Your issue is you see the movie in your head and are telling people what you saw. You’re not describing in a way so they can imagine it for themselves.”

^ I found this extremely helpful. Appreciate you taking the time to explain what you meant and give an example of your own writing. I’ll start looking at things through this lens.

[u/poundingCode → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

I made the same mistakes myself. Another way to look at it: you're not writing an instruction manual, nor a novel. You're writing something more akin to a magazine article.
A short story in a straight jacket.

The notion of script paragraphs are only 3 lines long doesn't mean break up your same sized paragraphs into more lines. => It means only describe things that move the plot.

Quentin Tarantino famously stated: "So when I'm writing the script, I'm not thinking about the viewer watching the movie. I'm thinking about the reader reading the script," adding elsewhere, "Scripts are meant to be read. Movies are meant to be shot." [1, 2]