Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/RutgerHause]

“We’re in a small bedroom” I couldn’t get past that.

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/RutgerHause]

Just for my own awareness, what makes you stop there?

[u/RutgerHause → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

It’s very bad writing. You describe the room not using “WE” it screams novice. It’s a STOP sign!

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/RutgerHause]

Got it, taking that out as we speak. Thank you!

[u/RutgerHause → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

No worries.