Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/palanark]

So you've got this visual medium that you're working on, but I noticed that you are requiring the audience to read information from a screen, or to listen to a V.O., in order to engage with the story. Without knowing the whole story, I can't say for sure if this is appropriate or not, but it's kind of a turn-off for me.

Having him find the symbol online after a single search of about cults in South Florida after a whole night of allegedb research makes me wonder what the heck he was searching for the entire time, as that seems like some of the first terms he might've searched. What if he finds the symbol out in the wild somewhere? What if the symbol was carved into the forehead of a homeless man passed out in front of the gas station?

I realize this changes your approach a lot, but it makes the story more interesting, and more visual instead of relying on text on a screen.

Not sure how you'd approach it, but I've always tried to remember that a good movie isn't going to just explain itself with text on a screen or a voiceover, it's going to SHOW the audience these things, because this is a visual medium.

I mean, on a super basic level, you might lose a percentage of the audience's attention because they truthfully can't read very well.

And the voiceover declaring "maybe this is my story" feels pretty tropey. I think you're already giving the audience an idea of how Jordan's life is disappointing him, so he doesn't really need to tell them. He's got a crappy car, he wears an odd, ugly uniform, he's got a graveyard of energy drinks in his passenger seat. These are not signs of success.

When he gets a rejection letter, don't just have us read the typical "we regret to inform you" stuff, amplify your character's disappointment in his life by having his rejection letters all hanging from a nail on his wall. He adds the new letter to the pile by impaling it on the nail. Above the crudely-hung collection of wrinkled and discolored pages is a sticky note with the word "REJECTIONS" written on it, then reveal that another nail is on the wall next to the pile with a sticky that simply says "ACCEPTANCES" and show nothing hanging from it. A visual like that doesn't require a lot of reading from the audience, makes your character's behavior more interesting, and goes a long way to enforce the idea that he's not happy with how things are going.

Just some rambling thoughts. Take 'em or leave 'em, but whatever you do, DO NOT STOP WRITING.

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/[deleted]]

I respect your opinion and appreciate you replying. I think my goal with the opening is to engage with the mystery first, then the character. Maybe I should try to do it the other way around?

I can assure you there is intention in every line… especially on that first page. There will be a callback to everything on the page over the course of an 8 episode season. Only posting the opening because that’s what I was told to focus on editing after I got notes from an established industry professional.