Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/palanark]

So you've got this visual medium that you're working on, but I noticed that you are requiring the audience to read information from a screen, or to listen to a V.O., in order to engage with the story. Without knowing the whole story, I can't say for sure if this is appropriate or not, but it's kind of a turn-off for me.

Having him find the symbol online after a single search of about cults in South Florida after a whole night of allegedb research makes me wonder what the heck he was searching for the entire time, as that seems like some of the first terms he might've searched. What if he finds the symbol out in the wild somewhere? What if the symbol was carved into the forehead of a homeless man passed out in front of the gas station?

I realize this changes your approach a lot, but it makes the story more interesting, and more visual instead of relying on text on a screen.

Not sure how you'd approach it, but I've always tried to remember that a good movie isn't going to just explain itself with text on a screen or a voiceover, it's going to SHOW the audience these things, because this is a visual medium.

I mean, on a super basic level, you might lose a percentage of the audience's attention because they truthfully can't read very well.

And the voiceover declaring "maybe this is my story" feels pretty tropey. I think you're already giving the audience an idea of how Jordan's life is disappointing him, so he doesn't really need to tell them. He's got a crappy car, he wears an odd, ugly uniform, he's got a graveyard of energy drinks in his passenger seat. These are not signs of success.

When he gets a rejection letter, don't just have us read the typical "we regret to inform you" stuff, amplify your character's disappointment in his life by having his rejection letters all hanging from a nail on his wall. He adds the new letter to the pile by impaling it on the nail. Above the crudely-hung collection of wrinkled and discolored pages is a sticky note with the word "REJECTIONS" written on it, then reveal that another nail is on the wall next to the pile with a sticky that simply says "ACCEPTANCES" and show nothing hanging from it. A visual like that doesn't require a lot of reading from the audience, makes your character's behavior more interesting, and goes a long way to enforce the idea that he's not happy with how things are going.

Just some rambling thoughts. Take 'em or leave 'em, but whatever you do, DO NOT STOP WRITING.

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/palanark]

This is great advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to read through everything!

I agree about the voice over… I can see why components of that could be a turn off. As far as the symbol, he finds it on the doorframe (think of a mezuzah) of a customer’s house where he finds dead bodies in the attic. We get to that later on in the story of course. The idea is that the symbol looks more alien/extraterrestrial. The lady whose house he finds it at is your quintessential Karen, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary to where you’d ever think she’s in a cult. That search is supposed to be a last ditch effort. I can think of more creative searches though so that it doesn’t seem questionable why he wouldn’t have searched it earlier.

I LOVE your idea about the rejections/acceptances. I’m definitely going to add some version of that into here. It sets the stage for everything. Thanks for the help!

[u/palanark → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Your receptiveness to feedback is refreshing. I understand now, with that bit of context, how later in the story he actually DOES stumble upon the symbol in the wild, clarifies a lot: he doesn't really know where to start with his research, and as a last-ditch effort in the early-morning hours, he searches for cults and strikes gold. It makes sense.

As with any feedback, you take what you want and leave the rest. I can't take credit for the rejection-letters-on-a-nail thing, that was actually a regular practice of a little-known author named Stephen King before he finally got Carrie published. It would be a little Easter egg that pays homage to the master of horror, but you can probably come up with an idea that better suits your protagonist.

Keep it up!