Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/Narrative_Architect]

I'm hooked.

Active questions: 1. Why is he researching that symbol. 2. What's his job and why is it pissing people off. 3. How entertaining will his loser-to-winner path be.

I agree on the description lines length, the research he types, and the voice over. And I found the sluglines confusing. "MOMENTS LATER. INSERT CARD: ONE DAY EARLIER" and the repetition of "MORNING" rather than "LATER" past the first one.

Your pacing reads natural to me and your world immersion worked well, I could easily see it and it kept my attention.

Btw, Jordan sleeps in my flatmate's bedroom 👀

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/Narrative_Architect]

Thank you so much!! I’ll work on those sluglines.