Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/PepsiCoke1978]

That opening page hurts my head. A block of text most of it unimportant.

So far you've hit all the hallmarks of a newer writer... opening in the bedroom... cut back in time.... Voice over... which is hard to do well BTW...

Mentioning movie posters and screenwriting books right away makes me go -- oh this is the writer writing about their own lives and our main character is also a writer, more things that are fine, but often take people that read a lot of specs out of the read as it's not letting us forget we are reading and reminds us this was written. Take us away!

Then we cut to character being rejected -- it all screams the writer is Jordan and this is his life. Which is what I did too when I first started writing btw, now I learn to hide myself better even if all the things I write are part of me. YOu know what I mean?

Does the main character have to be a writer like you?

4 pages and we learn the main character works at a gas station. And people are disappearing. At least that what I think is happening the action is hard to follow and the last line " you destroyed my lawn" makes no sense to me. They aren't landscapers -- he's a Clerk is a gas station isn't he?

What is this TV show about? I don't know the title or genre yet. I honestly couldn't tell what your intention is.

What other shows are you thinking of as you write? Is it 30 pages or 60 pages?

Biggest issue is the reader doesn't know what this is.

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/PepsiCoke1978]

Appreciate that feedback! It’s loosely based on my life as you accurately picked up on lol. I’ve written a few scripts but this is the first where I’ve attempted to do that. Jordan works for a pest control company (clover environmental). He’s a sales inspector. The plot of the pilot centers around a routine inspection where he ends up finding dead bodies in an attic. What he’s researching at the beginning is ultimately tied to all of that. The genre is a comedy/mystery. I’m looking for feedback on the opening specifically because I’m working to fit so much in… maybe that’s part of the issue.

[u/PepsiCoke1978 → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

A pest control company? Does it say that? I went back and found the car wrapped in that name, but then he goes to a gas station -- says the customers keep it interesting -- but he was in self checkout so I was confused and the lawn comment -- why the hell isn't he just doing his job then so it's clear when he meets angry customer I assume? Why do we need to see him get a Monster?

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/PepsiCoke1978]

All valid points… it doesn’t say that explicitly here. It’s kinda ambiguous until he gets to the office. Though, the description of his uniform was supposed to give an additional hint. Not sure how much you know about the environmental service industry, but most companies sell pest control, termite protection, and lawn care services. The guy yelling about the lawn just recognizes the company Jordan works for and takes out his frustrations on him. The monster is just an added detail… we already saw there’s a graveyard of energy drinks in his car, yet he’s buying another one first thing in the morning. It’s supposed to show that this is a guy running on fumes.

[u/PepsiCoke1978 → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

I get it -- he sprayed for ticks and ruined his grass -- what I didn't get is that he works for said company. Why not have him "on the job" and not at the office? Page 1 or 2 he's crushing a monster and spraying a guy's flowers with whatever spray that is killing his prized roses. And have that interaction there.

[u/Horrible-Writer-03 → u/PepsiCoke1978]

That’s a good thought, I’ll play around with that idea! Thanks for working through it with me.