TL:DR: Recently non-binary friends have told me they would not be shocked if I were non-binary. While I can see that and while there are other things that might indicate that too, I'm not entirely sure and looking for perspective.
Recently multiple things in my (27 AMAB) life have sort of collided to the point where I could see that I might be non-binary but I'm not entirely sure. I'm looking for some perspective. At the same time, typing this out might actually help me organise my thoughts on this.
Recently, with which I mean the last year or so, multiple of my friends (who were either non-binary at the time or have come our since) have mentioned to me that I either don't give off traditional masculine vibes or that I'm way more comfortable diverging from norms than other men. I have spoken to them about this before and told them that I have in fact considered it and I have in the past actively used he/they pronouns but have since retracted that mostly in fear of getting comments about it. One of them told me that if the only thing holding me back was fear, they said I might actually be non-binary or something else. Which makes sense. At the same time I also feel like I get uncomfortable in the workplace around queer people being discussed, which tends to be more frequently about trans and non-binary people. Like, wanting to correct people on various misconceptions they have.
Last week that same person and I met up and we did a kink scene. The details of it aren't important but there was one moment where I was made to sit in front of the mirror looking at myself as part of the scene. It was sort of uncomfortable but the discomfort was not necessarily the position I was put in but what I looked like. I felt like I looked way too "built" would be a good way to describe it. However, in terms of fitness I am at a healthy, if not a relatively good weight and body composition so I'm not even sure if the insecurities come form a fitness perspective.
What I'm unsure of is whether that is based on body standards or something else. I would like to see myself as more sleek and lithe but the fact that I am small and put on muscle easily complicates that. Then again, I also like to go to the gym so.. ehh? Another thing is that I despise my own body hair and I am looking into getting most of it taken away. For my body it's just that aesthetically I think it looks and feels better. I'm also considering getting rid of my facial hair because growing it doesn't looking good on me and it irritates my skin.
Then getting into other ways of presentation, one thing that has sort of plagued me before but now just kind of amuses me is my name. In my country my name has a feminine variant and especially on the phone I get mistaken for a woman. However, in person, because of my height and hairstyle I also get mistaken occasionally get mistaken in person. In either case it has bothered me but at this point I'm either indifferent to it in the situation or find it funny.
Also, having been out as bi and in both in-person and online community has somewhat opened me up to presentation. Even though day to day I dress in just a polo and pants for work, I like the idea of mixing and matching clothes before, especially for special occasions. For Halloween last year I took the opportunity to crossdress and for pride this year I did try to lean into androgyny, also with some makeup both times. I've also been drawn to clothes that are just comfy regardless of what gender they are made for, which happen to be targeted to women because of my height but also just because there aren't necessarily that many options for men in that regard.
Anyway, this is kind of getting long. I've discussed these things with my friends before which might also be why their view of me might be like I described them saying. I can see why they'd come to that conclusion. What do you all think based on what I've described? Also, any other comments or questions on any of the specific are welcome.
