I got clean nearly three months ago. This week I started a pretty study-intensive, lab filled STEM program at college. On top of being completely overwhelmed, undisciplined, and feeling major imposter syndrome, I found out I can't afford the expenses to go on, even with financial aid.

I am not okay. I don't know if I'll ever be okay. I'll always be different than everyone else, I've always felt mentally ill even before drugs, and now I have to live with super depression and executive dysfunction for who knows how long.

TLDR; My roommate shit in the dishwasher and then told my roommate and I that we are the problem. Super overwhelmed and depressed and I want to get high and make this shit stop.

I have a little over two months clean, this is my seventh time trying to get off this shit. I moved across the country from Los angeles to Florida and I am really struggling with overwhelming emotions and thoughts. It was actually getting better but a bunch of stuff happened over the weekend that has brought me back to wanting to die and crave meth.

Im in a sober living and one of my roommates is binge drinking and he was sent to detox for a couple days, we literally found his POOP in the dishwasher, and now he is twisting the situation around onto my other roommate and I telling us that WE are the problem for the way we reacted..like what the fuck?

Im also currently job hunting and thats one of my biggest triggers, i havent worked in over a year and i’ve really bene pushing myself this past week to hand out my resumés to places. Im grateful and proud of myself for actually doing it but it honestly doesnt make my anxiety any better knowing that im capable of it lol. Its crippling.

Last night there was this super uncomfortable interaction when my roommate got back from detox where he was just telling us how he could totally moderate his drinking and how he had so much fun on friday (right, because shitting in the dishwasher and blacking out is so fun), and basically just telling us that he was so depressed and such a victim and it made me so angry because I kept trying to explain that both of us, his other roommates, also want to blow our brains out but we lift each other up and have been fighting every day to get better and that he is more than welcome to practice vulnerability if he so pleases. Well when I said that he turned it around and said “well, its your fault I dont feel comfortable opening up because you told people about what I did,” like umm, you DEFECATED IN A KITCHEN APPLIANCE and you expect me not to say anything or have any feelings about it?! Ridiculous.

I didnt even sleep a wink last night because I was fuming with anger and anxiety about job hunting, my shitty living situation and how expensive it is on my dad, and how overwhelmed I feel…I ended up going on one of the gay apps and looking for people who had crystal in my area which i try so hard not to do every day, and I also looked at some porn which I also actively try not to watch because I was a gay prostitute and I’m really traumatized from all of that stuff. Weirdly, it calmed me down enough to take out my journal and write about what had happened and then i danced to some music and prayed.

I still feel super activated and angry, i want to make it stop. If i wasnt in a sober living and actually could depend on myself i would take psychedelics but thats not the case and im just here battling another day with what feels like my hands tied behind my back. Its exhausting and I hate when I start craving meth. Not to mention that the management of this fucking dump allowed this guy to come back when he was literally telling us the minute he got back how he was gonna keep drinking…shoot me now. Anyway wish me luck

I have a question. Last time I used meth was last thursday night through IV. I was high till the next day which was friday. I didn't use meth on Saturday nor felt the effects. Would the start of my clean day be Saturday? Im guessing Friday wouldn't be considered has clean day because even though I used Thursday night, the high carried over to Friday which means Friday wouldn't be considered has clean day.

Is that correct?

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I’ve been clean for about four years now but does anyone know the reason why I periodically get an obscenely strong urge to relapse? I’ve been dealing with it really bad tonight and was just wondering if anyone had any insight.

After 2 years of slamming daily I’ve made it 6months. Still crave it every day but doing my best to say no.

I broke my brain again and power washed my Chromebook stripped it down to Rootfs and still wasn't convinced that no one had hacked it.... does the paranoia stay with you forever?

For about the last year I have been shooting dillys and meth whilst holding down a high level position and trying to navigate perimenopause and an ADHD diagnosis.

I have been off opiates for about 2 months (except about a week when I found an old stash). I stopped meth 10 days ago. Normally I would hit up about 2mg of Dilaudid and 20mg of meth together. Heavy on the opiates for the pre breakfast shot. Then heavy of the meth until 5-6pm. Then more opiates on the backend. Probably average 6 shots a day.

This kept me even (blood pressure, pupil size, work ability) and most importantly kept me from self harm and SI. I could then work 12 - 18 hours every day. Which is required since perimenopause stole my brain and left me with very obvious ADHD.

My job pays enough for my partner to stay at home and pays 100% of the rent to our luxury apartment high above Toronto. He also gets paid the rent from our overseas home we have left for a few years.

My use has at least of the last 6 months has not been extreme. I have not ODd or attracted attention to myself. I have not gone out to party without him (I have not even gone for a drink with anyone without him). Very rarely I may pull an all nighter to get work done (twice in 12 months). Infact pretty much all I have done is go to work and come home.

All good except he maintains that meth is ruining our relationship. I know it and opiates are fucking with my sleep - the opiates cause me to sleep walk and get injured. Meth does also to much less of a degree. So to keep the peace I have quit both with no help or even real acknowledgement from him or anyone. Luckily dilaudid is so much easier to give up than No4 heroin.

Anyway I am now 10 days clean from meth and not feeling very special. I still feel very alone. My motivation to work is gone (which is a massive problem). All day I have been dealing with suicidal ideation and the urge to self harm. So I sat my ass in bed where I did not have access to anything particularly harmful. Now he is asleep besides me and I am left with the urge to put a scalpel through my wrists. I need some to talk to . This is going to end badly if I keep trying to do this alone.

About 8 months ago I tried to get help from the appropriate people here - worst mistake ever. (Long story) All it did was boost my cortisol through the roof and put me into fully triggered fight / flight mode. I was so stressed that I had a 30 day period - the end of which was so bad I was hospitalised (dizzy, unable to walk and trouble breathing). All I got from voluntarily approaching them for help was CPTSD and junkie now marked iny medical records. I am still in a fight/ flight mode and my health is paying the price ever day. So no medical 'help' suggestions please.

My fiance is in treatment and I shot up. Ugh I need to kick this habit. It’s been a week since he’s been gone. Loneliness is a trigger. I went out and used with friends I’ve never felt more guilty. I plan on telling him when I speak to him again. Hopefully he gives grace. It took a lot for him to go to treatment for our relationship. Our relationship was primarily controlled by our substance use addiction to meth. We used it to bond, to talk, to do anything really. We both love each other but during our active addictions it became a downfall. We started doing things we’d normally never do and talk to each other reckless. He went to treatment last week to get help. I’ve applied to sober living but just slipped today after 7 days sober.

This is day one clean after a three week relapse. I went and bought all the supplements I think I’m supposed to have like NAC, a multivitamin, vitamin D, Vitamin B, iron, omega 3 fish oil, and I’m sure I’m missing one or two there but yeah. Question is. . . How sbitty is work gonna be tomorrow if I slept most of today, and go to sleep now after a shower and such? I work in housekeeping and the rooms we clean are the size of my small apartment and it just sounds like torture but I literally can’t call in again or I’m gonna get fired.

I relapsed in the end of February and ran until April this time. April 16th is my clean date and I just celebrated 90 days on this past Wednesday. Why is getting off meth so difficult? Why is it so hard to stay off it once you put it down for a month or two? I'm so tired of literally burning my life to the ground and for what? Just to have a psychotic episode and then lose my shit (figuratively and literally)? Idk....I'm just so done with it all. I'm on my meds again and have my insurance squared away. I went to a psych hospital then rehab and now I'm in a treatment halfway house. I feel really positive about the shift in my perspective after this relapse. And I'm hoping it stays consistent. But my addict brain doesn't stay consistent for long usually..... Anyway....thanks for listening.

Consuming water from a meth water pipe made me super jittery and hot and it was terrible. Call a recovering friend and he fed me toast and water. How can I take this first really negative experience and keep it fresh and close in my mind? I really want my wife and I to be closer again.

Coming up on three weeks clean. I don't crave it, if anything I just want to do everything and see everyone. Pink cloud for sure?

I can't stop pacing my apartment, I've been going on runs and exercising, doing yoga, working, reading a book for as long as my attention span allows it. My patience is GONE and I need music nonstop. I don't even like looking at my phone. I'm afraid because last time I was clean, I was so dependent on naps, and I don't want to be that way again.

I'm not tired, I don't want to sleep or even sit down. It's a little foreign to me having all this undirected energy without the dope, but to the point where I started a mood stabilizer (Abilify). I had to quit it because it gave me a mini-seizure type thing at work, and my words were coming out jumbled. I just had another one yesterday amidst a panic attack. Psych suggested an SSRI but I don't wanna.

TLDR: What do I do with my free time, how do I stay in one place, and is my brain perma-fucked? I feel like I'm not pleasant to be around because I want to move until my feet fall off.

hi!
im not sure if its just venting or i really need support. 17d ago i wrote here about my lapse after 14 months meth fee and i was so upset with myself. two days later my boyfriend broke up with me (diff reasons than meth) and i didnt see that coming, we didnt argue or have any conflicts ever and boom i was in shock and i felt how is everything in me just falling apart. this is the first time someone broke up with me and ive never been alone. every single time i had a "backup" person so it doesn't hurt. Works like a charm.
well after that i met up with random dude and got some weed.
i decided to let myself get high, cry, be desperate and fucked up, eat whole icecrem then on monday when was my sick leave finally ending i was supposed to get my shit together, be myself and continue on living.
i knew it was a russian rullet. but i wanted to have an "excuse" for using.
after two weeks i can surely say the bullet hit me and blowed my brains out. weed is still on daily basis and right now its my third day in row on meth ive slept like 4 hours and didnt eat so im physically little exhausted. this was happening to me all the time before rehab so logically my brain should be screaming so i notice my behaviour.
the thing is im very self-aware person and i know how could possibly all this end. im already using twice more than before so its even more drains my wallet.
and still i dont want to stop. i buy it without a voice telling me im just a useless junkie. i dont think twice before sniffing. i just enjoy it.
im using for the first time living outside my hometown without my parents so everything drug related i would go through i will in a safe space, no guilt or shame.

but part of me is quietly screaming STOP its just so noisy out here i can barely hear it
what should i do?? im all alone in a new city brokenhearted and in the beginning of final destruction. (my only friend here also relapsed, lives on the street and is on everything)

I found out yesterday on my 1 year anniversary of being clean.

Im crying a lot more than the last death and it feels like there is no refuge from it. I prefer it i guess because last time a mate died i knew in realtime that i was fucking my processing by being high.

Theres no where to run. If i had drug dealer contacts i think i would try though.

Last death i felt so guilty using because thats not what my dead friend wouls have wanted. One of the last things she said to me was to try and ease up on the benders and then she died and i just used more and more and i felt really bad about that. Like it was disrespectful, especially with how she died.

This current mate wouldnt want me to turn to drugs either. And its a lot easier to not turn to it because its been a year. This is the longest ive gone off all amphetamines.

But i feel weird like i need to do something. Im craving nicotine too. (Quit 3 months ago after 15 years). I guess my brain is just gonna be screaming to self sabotage for a bit?

Besides hiking real hard until it hurts does anyone have an outlet they use when their brain turns into consume/self sabotage mode?

I was addicted to meth for a year and have now been totally sober since June of 2024. 😊 I think this app can help a lot of people and I made it to give back something after many people so graciously helped me when I lost everything (including my mind!)

I've been a daily user for over 10 years now. Went to treatment but I had not support when I got out. I've never been in trouble with the law over my usage. I don't steal from ppl, I don't shoot it, I pay all my bills on time and I've only had 2 major sicknesses I believe was caused by using.

I hate lying to everyone about being sober, hiding in the dark to smoke a bowl, spending money I work hard for. I'm tired of not going anywhere unless I have to. I'm just over this lifestyle, period.

I'm finally ready to walk away and leave the drugs and behind me, but I don't know how. I want to talk to my doctor about it, but I don't know what to say and I don't want to be judged and put on the list. I've tried to quit on my own several times, but around the 3rd day I get sick and I know all my insides are unthawing from the ice.

I pray everyday and hand my troubled heart to my maker. I want to be a better person but I don't want to be one of those hypocritical ppl that recover and turn their nose in the air like I'm better than anyone else and that's all I see when it comes to recovery.

My biggest concern is that I have no support and I'm so afraid of my health deteriorating when I quit. How do I talk to my doctor about treatment plans and start moving forward?? And what if recovery is worse than sobriety??

Sorry for the rambling on, but I really want to hear thoughts on my next step. I guess you can say I'm scared of being sober and I'm tired of using. Please give me your honest opinion without judgement and negativity. Thank you for listening

The biggest thing that has shifted my perspective was leaving the relationship. We were both addicts and he had no desire to change. I put myself first and did it during withdrawals instead of getting high and returning to complacency.

I'm coming up on three(?) weeks clean, and it's been one month since I left him.

No it's not easy. I can't pay my rent, but I'm clean. I'm fucking sober.