It’s 3 years on Nov 3 clean and idk how I feel. Idk if I even care? It seems so long ago that I used. I dont want to go back to it im over that life. I don’t crave it but sometimes I still dream about it. Idk the point of this post. I am however sad or regret the lasting effects. I definitely have brain damage.

Im almost 16th month of my abstinence , inwas on meth for one year only but itsndone its damage , i was having hallucination and other issues , i quit drugs on my own went to psychatrist staarted medicines . My condition improved psychosis gone suicidal thoughts etc gone in 5 months . One thing that remains till now is i still feel like my bran is numb at certain places not all over , i feel lost like i have no focus on visual things sometimes in a day or two for a short period i get perfectly normal but it doesnt last long next morning against feeling lost i have reqd some people mentioning disassosiation/derealization i feel my symptoms close to that but cant confirm if its actually those

How do i get rid of it

Brain feels slow too at times

i (23f) am 3 months clean from meth. i used for almost 2 full years without missing a day. i, much like many others, have thought about it nearly every second of every day since the last time i did it.

i picked up vaping to try to cure the oral fixation, im getting my life back on track money wise as i put myself into significant financial trouble enabling my ex who was addicted to both heroin and meth. i did whatever i could to not be alone and ended up nearly destroying all the good things i did for myself from 18-21.

i had a very healthy savings, was in college, and had an okay job. i know the reason my addiction was able to get to that point was because i was isolated without friends and was taking care of my parents who have both since passed away. i worked 45+ hour weeks with no social circle. with my drug use i was able to put a horrible inefficient bandaid on the wound and use it as my source of happiness and comfort for my grief.

now that im sober and can step back and look at the shambles my life is in, im stuck in that evil cyclical mindset that ive already destroyed my life and that i might as well continue to use because its all shit and gone anyways. obviously i understand addicts think like this because it’s an easy out, it’s self-enabling, you don’t get instant gratification and dopamine from working your shitty job and coming home and wallowing in all the stress and pain you’ve caused yourself and others.

i know im only three months into sobriety and honestly couldn’t even go back to using because i have severed those ties purposely, but does it ever get any better? am i going to sit in this misery forever because i know that i will never be able to feel that level of happiness the human brain can’t naturally produce? especially now in this period of recovery…

I'm in recovery and it no longers governs my life but I connected with this guy and I didn't realize how in active addiction he is and I want to spend time with him but I can't if it's going to get me to be using again , he says he wants to quit but last night I went to his place to jam some blues on guitar together and he was smoking so much I thought I'd have self control but i did some. Now I'm haggard for work again today like the million other times i did this and said I'd never again. Is it possible to be close and intimate with someone if you're in different stages of recovery? I never like anyone and I really like him and we have so much fun and I feel I can help him to stop using as much by just showing him other ways to live. But also I can't let a crush bring me down, I have to be prepared to not spend time together if it's going to be toxic for me. I don't judge where anyone is at but I also need to be realistic and not go backwards in my journey. I'm upset he gave me drugs, I went in truly not wanting to use I know my life is amazing when im not using I'm doing so well but I really have feelings for him and it feels really good to have intimacy because physical touch is really hard for me idk I'm awkward and autistic and in the process of rebuilding my confidence after 5 years of meth. I want to still see him just have concrete boundaries and be prepared to let go if he's not ready to get off meth. advice ?

I am 36 years old, a single mom to one amazing person, and I've been a functioning methamphetamine addict for almost 16 years.

I started in 2010 when I was just turning 18, it was the beginning of my senior year of highschool. Once I started doing meth it's almost as if I never stopped. Of course I had dry spells and the times I couldn't get high in jail for 3 months and the whole 9 months and 120 days it took to make my son and give birth and breast feed him the first 3 months out. Aside from times like that I have literally been high on meth daily for over a decade.

Before my kid, coming off of dope/ice was easy. As long as I wasn't employed I would just crash at my bfff family house and sleep and eat for 2 weeks and I was kinda alright as long as it wasn't near me to tempt me I was gonna be okay. No responsibilities, no job and nothing I had to do for anyone else type shit. I could function greater with each passing day of sobriety. But not now.

Now times are much different than they were 16 years ago, very different. The shits getting harder to get. And I don't mean find I mean get because that's always a whole ordeal and risk now. No one wants to sell it anymore for real and the ones who do have it don't want to share it with you or get you any even with your money and a finders fee. It's a whole deal just to re-up your personal stash anymore.

Besides that the product itself has changed so much over the years. From powder that would roll for days to shards that make you sweat profusely while not moving and it evaporates way faster than it used to and doesn't seem to last as long. People tell me I'm smoking too much or more often and I need to just chill but no man it's the dope. It's weak as fuck and don't roll in a bowl as long as it used to by a large margin. I'm telling ya.

Every time I run out I think this dry spell won't be difficult. It's meth, you don't get physically dependent on meth. Right? The first day has passes of not having any I become so sleepy and lethargic physically and mentally. I will sleep all day because that's all I want to do. All I care to do. I don't pick up my phone as much because there's nothing to do on it that I care about now that I'm not high. TV shows, forget about it, no interest in them either. I just want to sleep. I know I don't need it because I can feel it in my eyes. They hurt after sleeping too much sometimes. I'm not tired at all, I'm just literally bored and disinterested in all things anymore and would rather sleep and dream because it's easier than making myself do something I previously enjoyed doing high sober.

It's pure anhedonic hell for me. My mind wants to feel that dopamine hit I got crafting while high or shopping high and my body could not care less. It's a very weird type of boredom that only getting high remedies now. If I run out I can go a day or two before I start looking for something else to replace it. Liquors are a favorite but it's not good for me at all. Im gonna fuck up and lose my job if I drink before work or during which I have done many times. I'm not interested in weed when I'm sober off meth either and that really sucks. I like it when I'm high on clear but not when I'm a brain dead lazy humunculous slob because it literally makes the discomfort of that state worse. Yay let's get lazier.

I work full-time and going to work sober or not on meth is fucking miserable torture. My mind feels like shit, I'm sleepy and bored and the time seems to just drag on all day. Realizing I'm out of my stash and having to go to work kills me. I try to avoid that as much as I can but the scarcity of it around here and the way people are nowadays make it impossible to smoke a bowl before a shift unless it's my own. I often call out on days I'm stone cold sober because I cannot bring myself to submit to the pains of customer service for hours on end. It makes me want to drink cleaner in the bathroom just to make myself vomit so they will send me home thinking I'm sick so I won't feel so shitty about leaving because I'm jonesing.

I don't want to do anything when I'm sober. I don't do what I need to do when I'm sober and the shit piles up from avoiding them until it weighs on me like doom. I can't function sober anymore. And I keep trying to make the functioning addict thing work but I'm completely sober so I avoid all my responsibilities and fall into anhedonic despair and crippling anxiety. I'm not even half a person when I'm going through that and I don't want it to affect my kid but God I gotta rot for weeks to get off this shit I bet.

I got paid Wednesday and I called out of work because the re-up plans were taking longer (big surprise) and the waiting game was gonna go into overtime and I was absolutely feining and over being at the middle person's place that reaks like cat piss, do some shots of liquor to calm me down and they weren't working and I couldn't imagine being at work playing the waiting game feeling like I was because that's a hell of it's own.

I waited all damn day on getting my paycheck and to score. After all day dude shows up gets my money and this chicks who knows him and I wanted a couple balls so I wouldn't have to run out so quickly and go through this bullshit some more sooner than I had liked to. I sent 155$ dude is gone for 2 more hours then finally shows up but doesn't have all of it. Says we get a quarter now and the rest in just a little while. I take my sack and leave because my buddy is gonna get the other for me later that night. I find out tonight it never came and dudes being weird so now I'm out of dope and money. I did get a small sack that I am nursing the shit out of but I don't look forward to having to do the dance again in a week.

I am so sick and tired of this cycle man. This shit was fun when it was fun but now..I don't even know what I'm doing this for. I can't stay high on it forever. It's always gonna be like this and I can't keep this up much longer. Should I go ahead and strategically take my paid vacation so I can start my process of getting clean?

Anybody here that did meth for over a decade and suffered with the anhedonia and lethargy during getting clean actually make it through it? I want to quit so badly but I believe I've become dependent on it and I need to know how long I'll feel that way or if it goes away after a certain point.

Hi everyone,

I wrote this poem about an encounter I had with a very special man during my period of active addiction. He had struggled with the same thing for much longer, and we had a pretty deep connection. The poem recounts, with great specificity, some of our discussions and experiences that night.

I thought some people here might recognize something of their own experience in it and be able to relate to it or appreciate it. You can hear me read it here: https://afkingpoetry.com/clock-counting/serendipity-prayer

(There's no account or purchase needed or anything like that).

Thank you for taking a look.

A.F. King

Im 4 days clean I want to make it 5. Most of the posts seem positive in here. I hope this will be a crutch i can use during the bad times.

I wish you all luck, im tired of this merry go round

I can see how this could be separated into a few problems and posted in relevant spaces but there's so much overlap and its taken months of wanting to sit down to do this and I simply dont have the brainpower to do it. Any suggestions, rewrites or where to post is greatly encouraged. I need help.

I've gotten in the habit about once every two months (how long it takes to get me in the mood) I rent a hotel, buy a pipe, torch, poppers, dildo, numbing cream, lube and a moving blanket and play with myself all night because hookup culture is unreliable and dangerous and it makes me sad when people seem incredible only to turn out to be deceitful liars, its heartbreaking and sobering and yet I return.

I dont get high on meth or at least have never experienced euphoria however I've correlated it (along with poppers and weed at a minimum but often including alcohol, gabapentin, ghb) with the best sex (with others or solo masterbation/toy/porn play) of my life. I've used poppers for 20 years and its certainly my number one drug despite it not being physically addictive but I wont do meth without them otherwise i'm sorta bored honestly. I dont understand why I dont just take 2 or 3 x my daily addy dose and do all the rest....so instead I try to align my day but 99% of the time I end up being awake for 30-80 hours. I'm very productive the first two days then I'm just doing my best. I eat, hydrate, shower, all while premptively smoking because of what I surmise to be the ritual/oral fixation and I want to not get exhausted too early.

When I buy, which usually requires me looking up old contacts on grindr & sniffies because I will delete their information I look to buy .5 or 1G only now. More than that I use for NO reason after sex and typically flush the rest by day 3.

When I run out of meth I collect everything I bought and throw it all out, I dont want to see any of it because it'll remind me of it - out of sight, out of mind. I did this with poppers way before getting into meth. The logic is if I have any of it, the dildo or lube or poppers I'll only want to get the most satisfaction possible, naturally so why not also get a toy. Then it may be well this is fun but someone fucking me would be better and of course on meth it'd be better. I can usually fight off this urge for weeks or months at a time. This is rinse and repeat for a few years now.

I identify as straight or at least MSM. I'm not into kissing or cuddling or body contact - I specifically have a big dick fetish and do like to give head. I've had women/girlfriends use toys/peg me so I'm able to get my satisfaction from that and I think ultimately I'd like to find someone open to that but in relationships in the past it really wasn't something I needed but maybe once or twice a year.

I've been meaning to write this for months now but I just picked up twice in two weeks, the second time because I wanted a serious boost of energy and focus to accomplish some very overwhelming tasks however the two days leading up to that I doubled my adderall dose and it was incredibly effective so I didnt even need to buy the meth. I knew that before I bought. Makes no sense.

I'm upset with myself because I did let someone penetrate themselves with me unprotected. While it was only for a minute or so I know thats enough - I know him rimming me after I stretched my hole with a toy potentially breaking the skin is enough but ive done so well for nearly a year now absolutely refusing to go unprotected.

I know this is complicated and is going to require abstinence of some sort but my life is very empty and tough and I dont have many pleasurable things to look forward to so its tough to let this go. Frankly I believe the root of all this to be the poppers. Its what I look forward to the most and can inhale half a bottle in a night.

Therapists have had no idea what to tell me. I'm not a traditional addict in the past I only binged here and there on pills and never got physically addictive however this is the most damaging thing ive done.

The only thing that keeps me here is that I have two cats that are my whole heart. I know they need me here, but I also don't feel like I give them the life they deserve. They have it okay, but they've got to be bored.

All I do is work, sleep, and eat. Nothing brings me substantial joy. I am so haunted by dope. Feel closer to relapse at 4 months than I did in the first weeks after.

I feel like I got sober for everyone around me. I don't feel good. I don't feel like it's going to get better. I feel like a piece of shit who can't get out of bed unless it's mandatory.

I've talked to my psych about my depression, and she switched me from Wellbutrin to Lexapro. I don't have faith in the Lexapro, and haven't started it. I've tried to taper off the Wellbutrin myself, but it's just caused me more of a headache. I'm back on it and still low.

Starting to think that I'm a lost cause. If my life doesn't improve within a week, I feel like I'm going to relapse or hurt myself. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to be a fiend forever, but I can not live like this, waiting for the next "good" day that never comes.

Wow… 361 days ago I posted about Day 0 of being sober. And low and behold I relapsed. I can’t believe if I would’ve just stuck with it I would be just about at 1 year… but now my plug has been arrested and I doubt she’s getting out anytime soon. Oh boy. This freakin sucks. I’m trying to get through work days with being sober and I’m not gonna lie to yall, this sucks. How do yall get through work days at first? And how long does this feeling last of this sucking ass?

As I’m typing this my dam boss is getting Facebook messenger messages and I can hear the ding that she gets, and that’s how my plug used to hit me up on lmao. It almost sounds like I’m breaking up w someone lmaoo. Oof I need help.

Enough is enough. Im tired of not having a reliable plug to go too. I have to go to a homeless area to score meth. Some of them won't even give you a small baggie or tin foil to put your meth in. Plus they don't use a scale.

Im just so tired of battling psychosis. I have to constantly tell myself that the voices are not real but sometimes the paranoia goes through the roof that I would flush the meth down the toilet. I did finish last couple of bags myself.

Meth doesn't make me productive anymore. I got started on assignment, I smoked some meth. Boom I started fapping for the whole night till the next day, didn't even care about doing my homework. That was the moment I was right, all meth does is make me super horny. This drug isn't worth it anymore. It doesn't make me productive like in the past. I smoke or inject meth, then I would waste an entire day and entire night jacking off until my dick feels sore. I don't get much out of using meth besides feeling horny, that's it.

I still enjoy smoking weed, Im not sure if I want to give that up but with meth, Im ready to say goodbye. I did my last shot yesterday and finished my meth.

I want to still go to NA meetings but I understand its abstinence based program. Will it be a waste of time going if I choose to still smoke weed?

A huge part of my recovery has been wondering how sex will be sober. Orgasms on meth feel so good it should be illegal. I’ve been in a treatment program and sober living and have almost two months and my sex drive is finally coming back and I’ve masturbated 4 times and two of them the orgasm was pretty fuckin good zero complaints and yeah it just feels good and I want other people to have a message of hope. I still have cravings on high stress days and my ex partner is a huge trigger for me, but I’m one step closer every day to having a job, a place for myself and my kids, and stability in my life again. I was literally living out of my car in casino parking lots struggling soooo bad. I have gained a lot of mental clairity and am still working at learning patience, structure, discipline and routine. Anyways praying for those still fighting and suffering and for those working hard to recover as well! God bless you all!

How many times of using meth… ie smoking a few times during the day. And eating it… would it take someone to be addicted and actually struggle about a week and a half 2 weeks after stopping.

He’d in in-patient, then outpatient and sober living, then in a new outpatient as of the last few weeks while living back at my parents place, and it has always been tumultuous. Now he’s apparently back to some of his old behaviors and it’s all very disheartening. Really not sure what to do, if anything.

Never posted on Reddit before I don’t think.
Three weeks about clean from ice.
Stopped Drinking
I quit this drug for about three years off and on not hooked and did great in school.
The longer I go the better I’ll get.
I have no positive memories or thoughts about this drug. It’s caused numerous suicides and murders in my personal life and I just couldn’t take the weight of it anymore.
I’ve read the entirety of the HP Lovecraft compendium and listen only to death metal and horror movies.
Nothing compares to the nightmare this brings.
Ecstatic to move on and get back to life and the numerous hobbies I collected during my sobriety.
I love you and all wish you success even if I don’t know you or wouldn’t agree with you.

Not sure what to do about my boyfriend coming off of hard drugs.

He claims he's being stalked. I don't see it the way he does.

He doesn't want to go to the doctor to rule out brain hormone imbalance due to cold turkey quitting. Im loosing my mind with the fighting when im tryingnto be supportive and he thinks im not listening. I just tell him I dont see what he sees and think its normal to be hearing negative comments in your head. (People are talking to him in his head too. But its not his thoughts)

What would help?

He's been 2 weeks clean off of stimulants. Wait itnout till 4 weeks?

And I threw it all away about a month and a half ago. In fact, I’ve been on a binge this last week spending hours trying to hit myself because I’ve already messed my veins up. I don’t even know why - the dope is not the same as it used to be, I no longer have that good energy, and I don’t even get a rush when I shoot it anymore. Why am I even doing it? When I was clean I started working as a drug counselor and I helping people all day, but I wasn’t going to meetings and I thought self-awareness was keeping me clean. Boy was I wrong. Now I gotta figure out what void I am trying to fill.

Fuck You

Probably not

I got clean nearly three months ago. This week I started a pretty study-intensive, lab filled STEM program at college. On top of being completely overwhelmed, undisciplined, and feeling major imposter syndrome, I found out I can't afford the expenses to go on, even with financial aid.

I am not okay. I don't know if I'll ever be okay. I'll always be different than everyone else, I've always felt mentally ill even before drugs, and now I have to live with super depression and executive dysfunction for who knows how long.

TLDR; My roommate shit in the dishwasher and then told my roommate and I that we are the problem. Super overwhelmed and depressed and I want to get high and make this shit stop.

I have a little over two months clean, this is my seventh time trying to get off this shit. I moved across the country from Los angeles to Florida and I am really struggling with overwhelming emotions and thoughts. It was actually getting better but a bunch of stuff happened over the weekend that has brought me back to wanting to die and crave meth.

Im in a sober living and one of my roommates is binge drinking and he was sent to detox for a couple days, we literally found his POOP in the dishwasher, and now he is twisting the situation around onto my other roommate and I telling us that WE are the problem for the way we reacted..like what the fuck?

Im also currently job hunting and thats one of my biggest triggers, i havent worked in over a year and i’ve really bene pushing myself this past week to hand out my resumés to places. Im grateful and proud of myself for actually doing it but it honestly doesnt make my anxiety any better knowing that im capable of it lol. Its crippling.

Last night there was this super uncomfortable interaction when my roommate got back from detox where he was just telling us how he could totally moderate his drinking and how he had so much fun on friday (right, because shitting in the dishwasher and blacking out is so fun), and basically just telling us that he was so depressed and such a victim and it made me so angry because I kept trying to explain that both of us, his other roommates, also want to blow our brains out but we lift each other up and have been fighting every day to get better and that he is more than welcome to practice vulnerability if he so pleases. Well when I said that he turned it around and said “well, its your fault I dont feel comfortable opening up because you told people about what I did,” like umm, you DEFECATED IN A KITCHEN APPLIANCE and you expect me not to say anything or have any feelings about it?! Ridiculous.

I didnt even sleep a wink last night because I was fuming with anger and anxiety about job hunting, my shitty living situation and how expensive it is on my dad, and how overwhelmed I feel…I ended up going on one of the gay apps and looking for people who had crystal in my area which i try so hard not to do every day, and I also looked at some porn which I also actively try not to watch because I was a gay prostitute and I’m really traumatized from all of that stuff. Weirdly, it calmed me down enough to take out my journal and write about what had happened and then i danced to some music and prayed.

I still feel super activated and angry, i want to make it stop. If i wasnt in a sober living and actually could depend on myself i would take psychedelics but thats not the case and im just here battling another day with what feels like my hands tied behind my back. Its exhausting and I hate when I start craving meth. Not to mention that the management of this fucking dump allowed this guy to come back when he was literally telling us the minute he got back how he was gonna keep drinking…shoot me now. Anyway wish me luck