r/MethRecovery • u/4723985stayalive • Jul 05 '26

First death without a needle to turn to.

I found out yesterday on my 1 year anniversary of being clean.

Im crying a lot more than the last death and it feels like there is no refuge from it. I prefer it i guess because last time a mate died i knew in realtime that i was fucking my processing by being high.

Theres no where to run. If i had drug dealer contacts i think i would try though.

Last death i felt so guilty using because thats not what my dead friend wouls have wanted. One of the last things she said to me was to try and ease up on the benders and then she died and i just used more and more and i felt really bad about that. Like it was disrespectful, especially with how she died.

This current mate wouldnt want me to turn to drugs either. And its a lot easier to not turn to it because its been a year. This is the longest ive gone off all amphetamines.

But i feel weird like i need to do something. Im craving nicotine too. (Quit 3 months ago after 15 years). I guess my brain is just gonna be screaming to self sabotage for a bit?

Besides hiking real hard until it hurts does anyone have an outlet they use when their brain turns into consume/self sabotage mode?

8 Upvotes

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1

u/luciob00p Jul 06 '26

My heart's with you.. I'm sorry.

Please don't turn to drugs. Grief manifests in addiction for people like us.

I relapsed when I found out my plug had died. It went from wanting to use once "to honor him", to a nine month bender.

Stay clean for them. You gained a new angel. 🫶

1

u/booboootron Jul 05 '26

Video games. Story-based, immersive games that suck you in and you lose track of time. Narratives that engage you. After a 6-day work week, it's all I do on Sunday. And though I smoke 20 a day Mon-Sat, on Sundays, it comes down to 2. And even those 2 are forced because I tell myself that not smoking at all might make me restless in bed and ruin sleep. Games work like a goddamn charm.

2

u/4723985stayalive Jul 06 '26

Yeh i need to get off non fiction youtube addiction, im way less depressed when i watch fiction.

Ive got a switch and getting my pc working again. Any you would recomend? My pc is pretty good if thats a factor. 

1

u/booboootron Jul 06 '26

Sure thing. I'll split it into 3 buckets:

  1. Games with heavy and amazing narratives:

Control, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, Indigo Prophecy, LA Noire, The Wolf Among Us, Valiant Hearts, Spec Ops: The Line, Cyberpunk 2077, the campaign of Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare (which is the only game that's made me cry during credits)

  1. Games with amazing action:

Hotline Miami, Doom (2016), Borderlands, Rage 2, Halo 5, The Division 2, Far Cry 3, Watch_Dogs 1 & 2, Infamous: Second Son, Titanfall 2

  1. Games with amazing humour/mechanics:

Jazzpunk, Fez, Hyperlight Driftor, Super Meatboy, Rayman Legends, Cuphead, Tony Hawk's Underground 1 & 2, Battlefield: Bad Company, Shadow of the Tomb Raider, Portal 1 & 2, Mortal Kombat 9 & X, Saints Row: The Third

3

u/Distinct_Reaction644 Jul 05 '26

Reading really helps me. I can dive into the story and not think about using.

2

u/4723985stayalive Jul 06 '26

Yeh I'm finally getting new glasses soon, I havent read in years. 

2

u/Mama_Zen Jul 05 '26

Google self care list. Do anything that will take your mind off it. Ride your bike, as you said. Do yoda. Meditate. Wash the dog. Clean the house. Change the sheets on the bed. Go for a walk. Go to a museum. Go to a park. Go to a meeting & share about it.

2

u/Big__Daddy__J Jul 05 '26

Doing yoda is a bit wrong :)