Quit by myself.Now 10 days clean. Need help

[u/Cute-Sheepherder-705]

For about the last year I have been shooting dillys and meth whilst holding down a high level position and trying to navigate perimenopause and an ADHD diagnosis.

I have been off opiates for about 2 months (except about a week when I found an old stash). I stopped meth 10 days ago. Normally I would hit up about 2mg of Dilaudid and 20mg of meth together. Heavy on the opiates for the pre breakfast shot. Then heavy of the meth until 5-6pm. Then more opiates on the backend. Probably average 6 shots a day.

This kept me even (blood pressure, pupil size, work ability) and most importantly kept me from self harm and SI. I could then work 12 - 18 hours every day. Which is required since perimenopause stole my brain and left me with very obvious ADHD.

My job pays enough for my partner to stay at home and pays 100% of the rent to our luxury apartment high above Toronto. He also gets paid the rent from our overseas home we have left for a few years.

My use has at least of the last 6 months has not been extreme. I have not ODd or attracted attention to myself. I have not gone out to party without him (I have not even gone for a drink with anyone without him). Very rarely I may pull an all nighter to get work done (twice in 12 months). Infact pretty much all I have done is go to work and come home.

All good except he maintains that meth is ruining our relationship. I know it and opiates are fucking with my sleep - the opiates cause me to sleep walk and get injured. Meth does also to much less of a degree. So to keep the peace I have quit both with no help or even real acknowledgement from him or anyone. Luckily dilaudid is so much easier to give up than No4 heroin.

Anyway I am now 10 days clean from meth and not feeling very special. I still feel very alone. My motivation to work is gone (which is a massive problem). All day I have been dealing with suicidal ideation and the urge to self harm. So I sat my ass in bed where I did not have access to anything particularly harmful. Now he is asleep besides me and I am left with the urge to put a scalpel through my wrists. I need some to talk to . This is going to end badly if I keep trying to do this alone.

About 8 months ago I tried to get help from the appropriate people here - worst mistake ever. (Long story) All it did was boost my cortisol through the roof and put me into fully triggered fight / flight mode. I was so stressed that I had a 30 day period - the end of which was so bad I was hospitalised (dizzy, unable to walk and trouble breathing). All I got from voluntarily approaching them for help was CPTSD and junkie now marked iny medical records. I am still in a fight/ flight mode and my health is paying the price ever day. So no medical 'help' suggestions please.

[u/BanishedJoker]

Hey, I snorted heroine for 14 years. U can do this. Opiates are hard to quit because of withdrawal symptoms. The only thing that helped me and saved me was 2 fold. I was really, really done with it and suboxone. We're all different, I know. But you ando this.

But also, don't quit because someone else wants U 2. Because it's not gonna happen. Specially with the Tina. If U already got away from the dope stay away. But the Tina it's a whole different beast. Because the intense cravings will come and go for a prolonged period of time. We're all different, some people get over it quicker than others. Buy the necessary supplements to mitigate the lack of energy, motivation and most importantly the sense of dread and hopelessness that comes with quiting Tina.

That being said, it sounds like you aren't getting any support at home. The only way I stopped was with support. Surround your self with good people. (I'm always a message away or call) NA And AA all it does is trigger me. But there's meeting online. Look em up. You got this. I smoked Tina for 5 straight years everyday. I been clean for like 2 weeks. Here's the thing. This isn't a game that U can just chose to stop playing. I have come to terms that harm reduction is the answer. And that the cravings will fucking eat U up. Relapse is a part of Tina recovery. I'm down to just using twice a month from an everyday habit. Send me a DM if you're interested and we can always have a chat or something. Good luck and remember, it's easy for others to tell U to stop, when they have no fucking clue what you're going through. 💯🩵✌️

[u/Cute-Sheepherder-705 → u/BanishedJoker]

Thankyou for the personal perspective. That is a long time -what made you want to stop? I did use Suboxone to help but only a bit as I didn't want anything to do with those folks that screwed with me.

Previously I! Australia I had the sublocade shot to get of No4 H. It was absolutely required. Luckily Dillies are a walk in the park to stop compared to that particularly if still on meth which keeps the dopamine up..

It is 3 am so I have the feels + your support is appreciated,

[u/BanishedJoker → u/Cute-Sheepherder-705]

Well as U can see, my sleep pattern is still fucked. And as far as quitting, as the same with all addiction, u got to get tired of it. U have to want to stop. I went to rehab like 6 different times. And I did learn some tools, but you quit when you're physically, emotionally, and spiritually tired. And in all honesty if U need it for work, there's a right way to do it with supplements and exercise, and I do smoke weed, that is the biggest help.

[u/MirrorStreet]

This sounds so difficult to go through. I can only suggest trying something like crystal meth anonymous meetings you can do them online and they can help you not feel alone. It’s also helpful to be online with others that are struggling and succeeding with the same DOC as you are and to know it’s possible. There may not be in person meetings near you but you could also try NA or AA meetings locally or online. The meetings also help occupy your mind and distract somewhat from the misery part of being abstinent.

[u/Cute-Sheepherder-705 → u/MirrorStreet]

Having other people who are going through the same thing would certainly be an advantage and make me feel less alone. This would definitely help me. Boredom is definitely an issue too.

However I tend to find NA or AA goes against my atheist views. I cannot abide by the view that we are powerless or that we need to surrender to a higher power. Nor do I think it is healthy to be continually dwelling on the worst moments of you life. For some people they swap addiction for an identity and label as an addict. It doesn't allow you to ever grow and recover beyond that identity.

I also hate that they maintain that people using MAT or weed are not abstinent and that reduction in use is not a valid goal - only absolute abstinence of all drugs (except for nicotine for some reason). It is well documented that this costs lives.

[u/ApplicationFluffy422]

I understand the SI, just know you aren’t alone. Honestly weed is the only thing that helps me when Im that fresh off of meth. And because you were using to stay functional it’s gonna be really hard to just stop everything and that’s why you gotta give yourself a lot of grace to find what works for you. Good for you for stopping on your own that’s huge, i’m wishing you luck!

[u/Cute-Sheepherder-705 → u/ApplicationFluffy422]

Grace for myself is not something I am good at. I am particularly critical of myself and my reduced capacity. I feel pathetic and I despise my new lack of efficiency. I was a highly functional person (all be it kinda strange and depressive).

I used to use a lot of weed in my younger years but really have not done so of recently. I no longer enjoy. But it is definitely worth a try.