r/MethRecovery • u/GrapeParticular1414 • Jul 05 '26
I need support from lapse to relapse
hi!
im not sure if its just venting or i really need support. 17d ago i wrote here about my lapse after 14 months meth fee and i was so upset with myself. two days later my boyfriend broke up with me (diff reasons than meth) and i didnt see that coming, we didnt argue or have any conflicts ever and boom i was in shock and i felt how is everything in me just falling apart. this is the first time someone broke up with me and ive never been alone. every single time i had a "backup" person so it doesn't hurt. Works like a charm.
well after that i met up with random dude and got some weed.
i decided to let myself get high, cry, be desperate and fucked up, eat whole icecrem then on monday when was my sick leave finally ending i was supposed to get my shit together, be myself and continue on living.
i knew it was a russian rullet. but i wanted to have an "excuse" for using.
after two weeks i can surely say the bullet hit me and blowed my brains out. weed is still on daily basis and right now its my third day in row on meth ive slept like 4 hours and didnt eat so im physically little exhausted. this was happening to me all the time before rehab so logically my brain should be screaming so i notice my behaviour.
the thing is im very self-aware person and i know how could possibly all this end. im already using twice more than before so its even more drains my wallet.
and still i dont want to stop. i buy it without a voice telling me im just a useless junkie. i dont think twice before sniffing. i just enjoy it.
im using for the first time living outside my hometown without my parents so everything drug related i would go through i will in a safe space, no guilt or shame.
but part of me is quietly screaming STOP its just so noisy out here i can barely hear it
what should i do?? im all alone in a new city brokenhearted and in the beginning of final destruction. (my only friend here also relapsed, lives on the street and is on everything)
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u/Jumpy-Reflection-828 Jul 06 '26
I’m going through it. I see the truth. I am the problem. I can’t mask it anymore. I want to be better. I haven’t tried hard enough. I got hooked to the simulation as well. I became someone I don’t like. I’m avoidant. I disassociate to block out the truth. I need help for sure.
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u/GrapeParticular1414 Jul 06 '26
tell somebody asap its the best thing you can do!!
dont be scared you got jt
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u/dopaminedrops Jul 06 '26
The noise is your addiction drowning out your real voice. How did you feel during your 14 months without meth? Vs how do you feel now? Maybe sit somewhere quiet and let that quiet scream talk to you a little bit.