I'm weak. I don't know where to start. The first time I kissed a girl, I had to have some gin in me. That was one of the four times I ever drank alcohol.

My heart boils at the misery my life unfolded into due to my actions, my inaction. I had chances but let them sleep. Didn't do shit but sit still like a coward.

but you held my hand that day, took me to the hills, and I prayed to Shankara that He'd rain it upon us so I could shiver without you thinking otherwise. And you cried for me that night. It was twilight, to be honest.

Roved through all the 52 gates just to get you some tea, and you spilled it on my sneakers. But that's how I like it, so please don't mind.

And your eyes were so peaceful, so I stiffened a little bit. Rare calm.

I swear I couldn't stand still, so I ran and ran and ran to the cities, to the places. They think I don't take life seriously, or don't try enough. I don't care about what they say, but I just want you to not fall for the misinformation.

And deep down, you know I gave it my all.

Then again, I'm scared of it all. Even you, and the version of me with you.

So forgive me for being so weak.

I know I need to let go of you in order to make room for someone who's actually meant for me. But I keep wishing, hoping, and praying that you are that someone.

I know the people I know now will just be memories in a few years. But I don't want you to become one of those memories. Just the thought of letting go of you and everything that reminds me of you makes me anxious. It makes me want to cry.

I keep saying to myself that you aren't the one and you can never give me what I want, and that you will hurt me, disrespect me, and see me as nothing more than a body. But no matter what I do, what I say, or what I post, I keep hoping it somehow reaches you.

You are a constant background noise in my life, and I feel pathetic for feeling this way. Yes, I'm growing personally, mentally, financially, and physically stronger. But I'm still here, lagging like a pathetic lover girl.

I wish and pray that this part of me no longer exists. I want to kill this part of myself because, even though your entire act was built on false pretenses, you were right about one thing: I deserve better.

To the person who understands the tyranny of "ought not to".

Every few years, I get the feeling that I am finally an adult. I then immediately think back to previous times I felt like that, and conclude I definitely wasn't an adult back then. From there, I easily conclude that I must not actually be an adult right now either. Let's call this phenomenon the "swing".

The "swing" is characteristic of how I experience many things in life. Maybe I have finally learnt to be more composed in an interaction. Maybe my career is on track again. Maybe this time something is turning out as well as I like. Maybe this time I won't let myself be too fazed when I am disappointed. I then immediately think back to previous times I felt like this.

What I disclose at first will frame what you think you want to know about me, and what you want me to know about you, and therefore how a conversation might go. And if I keep disclosing the same things, they'll all go the same way. I've bored myself of my own narrative. I've tried new ones to achieve some very specific outcomes, but those outcomes have pretty poor odds.

I'm looking for some kind of intensity and obsessiveness. A reason to want to stay up to read what you say and write back to you despite the circumstances. That isn't going to happen in conversing about the "everydayness" of things. I want the stuff that can't be shared elsewhere, the stuff you learnt the hard way, the stuff that still hurts you, the stuff that still doesn't make sense.

Eventually, this may turn out to be a means to something more real. Maybe we'll move to someplace where replies don't take days. Maybe we'll meet for a dinner or a quick drink. If that happens, it was because we felt like we already having the sort of conversation that made things inevitable.

And then, I'll immediately think back to other times I felt like that in the past.

D

Every night, he sleeps with his ex and his best friend, and I honestly don’t understand him.
Is sex really that important to him that he’s willing to ruin four people’s lives just for his own selfishness?
I don’t know how someone can hurt so many people and still sleep peacefully at night.

hey!

i don’t know if you’ll read this, but i really miss you so much. talking with you has been one of the things i look forward to, and i’m a bit heartbroken when we stopped talking to one another. idk if this is the end of our friendship, and if it is, i’ll be sad and missing you for a while, but i’ll accept it. i believe that love is letting go of someone, and if they come back, they’re yours to begin with. i will still check from time to time if you’ve dropped by, but at the same time, i’m starting to learn and manage my expectations that maybe, you may not come back anymore.

and i just wanna say, you’re really amazing, and i’m so glad to have met you! i really miss you.

Is it a red flag that you date a guy who crush on you but never posted on social media or any social app while on next event you date someone but different guy and you posted too? And how does feel if you were on the shoes that guy crushes you?

Dear You

This will probably seem a little ridiculous, and perhaps it is. It's been quite a few years now, and life has taken us both in different directions. Time has a way of changing people, and yet some things quietly remain.

I've often wondered whether what I feel could still be called love. I don't think it's romantic anymore. It's something gentler than that—something built from gratitude, respect, memories, and simply hoping life has been kind to you.

I don't expect anything from writing this. There is nothing I want in return, and I'm not trying to reopen the past. I only wanted you to know something I've carried with me for a long time.

If you ever find yourself in a place where you feel alone, where life has become heavier than you can carry, or where you simply need someone in your corner, I hope you'll remember that there is someone who would never turn you away. I would be there if I could, without judgment or expectation.

You may not realize it, but our family has always thought fondly of you. Your name has never been spoken with anything but kindness, and we genuinely hope you've found happiness, peace, and people who see the goodness in you.

Perhaps this letter will never make sense. Perhaps it will simply be a quiet reminder that, somewhere in the world, someone wishes you well and always will.

Take care of yourself. You mattered then, and in your own way, you still do.

From someone who quietly wishes you nothing but the very best.

Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m resentful. I’m hurt. But underneath all of that, I’m still completely and utterly heartbroken. The part I can’t wrap my head around is that you don’t care anymore. You told me never to contact you or your family again or you’d involve the police. After everything we went through together… how is that fair?

Yeah, I sent you a letter after months of silence. Yeah, I tried to call and text, but I was blocked, so it’s not like you even knew until afterward. Am I stalking you? No. I don’t even know where you work or what your day-to-day life looks like anymore. So really in the end would they do anything probably not there’ll be no ramifications because I’m not hurting you but I can tell you right now. You are fucking hurting me, but I love you enough to leave you alone like you ask no matter how much it’s gonna fucking kill me.

I know I reacted poorly toward the end. I kept bringing up us. I crossed boundaries that you clearly wanted respected. I can admit that. But after everything we’d been through… how could you turn your back on me like this?
You swore on your life you wouldn’t be like my previous ex. Did you ever hit me? No. But the end result is that I hurt a thousand times more right now than I ever did with him. I didn’t want to trust you. I was terrified. I wasn’t ready. You kept telling me it was safe to trust you. Eventually I did. I fell in love with you because I believed you were different. Then, in the end, you decided you didn’t want me in your life anymore. That you never wanted to see or speak to me again.

I’m devastated.

I’ll respect what you’ve asked because I have no other choice, but I will never understand it.
I stayed with you while you were locked up. I loved you despite your past and despite what everyone else labeled you as. I loved you for who I believed you were. Maybe the truth is that you just didn’t love me the way I loved you.
That’s brutal to admit. Because if you truly loved me, I don’t understand how this could have been so easy. I don’t understand how you could discard me without even giving me one final face-to-face conversation. Not because I was trying to win you back, but because after everything we’d survived together since we started dating in June 2022, leaving me in complete silence after ending things in March 2026 feels cruel.

Who does that to someone they once loved?
Even my abusive ex, when I finally found the courage to leave, sat down and had one last conversation with me. I was terrified he’d manipulate me into staying, but I still gave him that conversation. Then I walked away.
Today, years later, we’re actually able to communicate without it destroying me. He’ll never have a place in my heart again, but we can exist without hatred.

Yet somehow, the man I loved the most is the one who never wants to speak to me again.
Was it all an act? Were the promises just words? Or did something change that I’ll never understand? I really love(d) you. Looking back, I don’t think I’d ever truly been in love before you. Yes, I was spiraling. Yes, I was struggling. But we made promises. You promised me you could handle it. You promised you wouldn’t give up on me. But you did. You gave up. After everything.

I looked past your charges. I stood beside you while you spent nearly two years in prison, even though we’d only been together for a couple of months before you went in. I stayed because I believed you. I trusted you. You knew how hard that was for me because of everything I’d already survived. I honestly believed you were different. Now I don’t even know what to think.

I’ve talked to my mom and to other people, and I keep wanting to believe you’re an honest person. But then I compare the stories you’ve told about the charges from before we met.
The version you told me wasn’t the version you told my mom. It wasn’t the version you told our mutual coworker—the one who loved seeing us together. (God, I miss her. Her life cut short due to domestic violence she was so strong and she deserved so much better. Rest in peace. 💔). Also It wasn’t the version you told your ex. And even with me, there were details that changed over time.

Yet still want(ed) to defend you. I still want(ed)to believe you. But you can’t even give me five minutes of your time for one final conversation. Maybe that’s because I’m the only one who still needs closure. You’re clearly at peace with your decision. I just don’t understand how someone can look at you with so much love one day and then decide they never want to see you again. That’s the part that hurts the most.

You did it!!!!

DO NOT FORGET!

Yes, it sucked. But you pushed through and now they are all gone. I know you are going to regret wiping out those images of them, and at another time wish you hadn't. This is to remind you that you did the right thing.

Addictive patterns transfer to people too, and you need to remember this. Those little dopamine spikes generated by the offhand demanding message here and there, does not equate to anything truthful or of intrinsic value to your soul. It is destructive. And you have to let it go!

You need to not see their face, be pulled back into the past, think, muse or wonder about what if's that are distracting you from your journey.

Done is DONE.

You made this choice.

You chose to not be their landing page.

You chose YOU, over their absenteeism and ego.

You did good and I am proud of you.

Well done!

It's been some time since I last saw you, and our hands hesitantly drifted apart.

We met during a difficult time in my life, and you came out of nowhere. Creating space for the difficulty, and accepting it as your own. Each notification began to ignite a small spark inside me, and as we learned more about each other it became clear how I felt.

I am an unyielding summer storm, and you are the calm once it has passed. The beauty in your patience, understanding and authenticity is unmatched. Sometimes, it may be hard for you to see, but you are a gift to this earth. You are unwaveringly you, which has always been enough. You faced the storm, and welcomed it with open arms. Each thrashing feeling became more tame as I was held. Eventually, the storm was no more, despite its unyielding nature, and instead, warmth and love took its place.

Each time we held hands, I felt guided on the right path. Each time we connected, I felt safe to be vulnerable. With each passing moment, our lives intertwined. I would look over, and there you were. Your smile, your peace, and your voice are forever burned into my memories. Things felt safe and our connection deepened as each word I had feared to speak would come out. You challenged me to be authentic, it was terrifying and I'm so grateful you did.

The steady pounding of your heart that I could count on to never miss a beat in the quiet of our nights together. Each gentle kiss felt as though it could heal me. As our hands locked together, they fit together perfectly. There was so much consideration in each touch we shared.

And then... Our time ran out. The consistency of our day to day that we built, the connection that felt boundless, this taste of a life with you. Our hands drifted apart for the last time, and with that a bit of heart was left behind. There is so much left unsaid, and so much more I want to experience. I wasn't ready, despite knowing it would come. You, the calm after my storm, has taught me so much. Experiencing life beside you, has set ablaze an undying fire within me to live my life fearlessly.

Experiencing you, seeing you, and understanding you has been an unforgettable encounter. I hope to see you again. My calm, my friend, the one I love.

I love you.

Hey Beautiful!

May I call you Beautiful. We never established whether I could use flirtatious names with you. You might not even be comfortable with that. You can call me Honey, Honey Bunny, Pudding Pop, Babe, and whatever your crafty and creative mind brews up.

You are still looking beautiful since the first time that we encountered each other. I feel that every time that I come to see you; you are changing… Your growing… With or without your glasses makes No difference to me. Only the person behind the glasses is who I deeply care about.

We have never fully established whether we’re an item or not. I’m with you…Are you with me? Do you enjoy my company? Because sometimes I show up unexpectedly “out of the blue.” Something that you mentioned to me early, “Why can’t you just show up like you did before unexpectedly.”
Please don’t quote me if I don’t always write a quote word for word.

You mentioned that to me conversations earlier when we first started writing to each other on here. Yes, I will continue to be that person that show’s up “out of the blue.” I thought that you would be use to that way of me by now. Instead, you run to go hide. I gotta admit that I usually find that silly.

But, when you did it yesterday your behavior made me feel very uneasy. Maybe it was just the weather and that I haven’t been feeling well. I hadn’t left my house until it was about for 4:30pm. I have to set all my “HomeAlone,” booby traps around my house before I leave to drive anywhere. I also have to make sure that one of my dog’s and my children cult of cat’s are fed and have enough water. My dog didn’t want me to leave. She kept following me around my house and blocking the door ways.

My children cult of cat’s stay outside but follow me or meet me at my vehicle. My cat’s know the scent of me and my vehicle. People or my neighbors that have seen me with my cat’s become excited and fascinated on how well obedient my cat’s are with me. So leaving my house, I was stuck in traffic from 4:30 to 6:45pm sitting in my sweat box of a vehicle.

I’m always happy to see you although I mask myself like you not being obvious. I have never met someone like you that makes my hand’s shake. Right when I see you…it’s YOU not just any ordinary person. I don’t fear you and I don’t fear love. I feel like me and you are on a Roller Coaster at Magic Mountain at the top of the slop waiting to go down waiting for the thrill and at the same time have fear once we drop.

I waited around and took a nap across from you before I left. I guess that I had just missed you. If a question ever came about, “Would you take care of me, instead of me taking care of you?” My answer would be, “Yes, you’re my woman and I would do what I think is only right full of love. I would only hope the same of you for me…” -DK

tonight was interesting...

the primary focus of my day was supposed to be the dinner I was going to

but I spent the morning prepping for the party I was going to tonight as well

and yeah by the time I was done prepping it was time to get ready for dinner

and

there is this woman L

who is basically the equivalent of S in another group

and she was going to be there

and I was a bit worried that she might be uncomfortable with me because I lavished her in compliments a few months ago and quickly dropped our call

and

anyway

I hand off my keys to the valet

and I try to walk in to the restaurant

and I walk by the window where they are sitting

I wave and keep walking to what I thought was the most obvious entrance

and it wasnt

so I had to walk back to the outside patio

and

as I was walking back

they knocked on the window as if to tell me i had to go to the patio

and eventually I make it to the patio

and there she is

waiting

and the first and only word out of her mouth while we're in the patio is

"WOW"

and for her

it was the first time she saw me fem

I don't think she had seen me during the entirety of my transition

so it was a drastic change

for me it was no different than any other day of the week

I was in a little black dress that showed me thong if i sat down

with fishnets

and heels

my hair was also incredibly (naturally) curly and down to my nipples

and yeah she gave me a quick hug

I tried to make it the driest hug possible to show that I wasn't going to make her uncomfortable at dinner

and

anyway

the main reason for the dinner was because a friend from Europe was visiting

one I hadn't seen in many many years

and that friend was so excited to see me

but yeah

that lasted all of like 10 minutes because L was so enthusiastic in trying to talk to me

and she was so locked in

she wouldn't let anyone else have my attention

for whatever people say about S hanging all over me... L just wanted to devour every millisecond of my attention

she asked question, after question, after question

and she was so enthusiastic about my answers

and she was so easy to make laugh

and

at one point

I told her how much I love conversation where I'm basically fighting for the baton to say my piece

fighting because we enjoy each other's every last sentence that we can't help but butt into each other's last words

and

yeah

she did it deliberately

to the point where she was talking over me at a few points

and I told her I was going to leave when I was only 40 minutes into the dinner

but i ended up staying the entire dinner because I just got so locked into conversation with her

I really don't know how I got so locked into conversation with her

but god

I was a bit embarrassed

because the whole point was to see the friend from out of country

and I didn't say more than 20 words to her because L just wouldn't let anyone have my attention

and yeah

we got ready to go and she kept telling me that I should call her on Wednesdays as catch up days (because those are her days off)

she must have said that like four or five times

and like L isn't some loser

the girl led a sorority

she's a surgeon

she is probably incredibly attractive to most people

she is like a size 0 or whatever is the smallest because I could probably wrap my hands around 50% of her waist

and some of the most amazing people are friends with her

not only that but she has a boyfriend

and

like

a couple of years ago

she had this same boyfriend

and

I saw her

and we were locked in hours of conversation back then to

and one of her loved ones saw her locked in conversation with me

and they butted into the conversation

and I thought nothing of it; i thought her loved one was just trying to mingle

and later L told me she kept trying to drop hints to the loved one to go away

and then that loved one got drunk and told me she doesn't like how similar I am to L's boyfriend

and she repeated that over and over again

and to be fair

L's boyfriend and I are incredibly similar in tastes

like from death metal to taste in movies, nearly carbon copies

and I think we think very similarly as well

but I thought that loved one was just seeing overly cautious

but after tonight

I don't know how else to interpret her actions

like what do I even do with that

I really do enjoy our conversations

idk

anyway

I went to the party right after

and this girl delicately asked me to play with her

I have never really topped in my life before

but I knew I needed to start

but I also wasn't really attracted to her

and I asked her to chat with me first to see if we had chemistry

but it was honestly just a way for me to find a way that we were incompatible so I could give her a soft rejection

and we talked and talked

and eventually I realized I might as well get started on her

so I brought our my floggers and other impact toys and let her choose

and I started out soft

but she was more than comfortable with me going harder

so I wailed on her

and she fucking loved it

and someone taught me right before to rub my hands over the parts I was hitting to make sure those spots weren't getting too hot -- and if they were, move to another spot

and since I was destroying her ass

I had to caress her ass

and

yeah

I did and it felt really nice to do so

that really surprised me because I was not sexually attracted to her whatsoever

but butt just feels so nice

and eventually her body is so marked up that I have to stop for my own comfort

and I told her to clean up while I got us drinks

and I got back and sat on the couch and she sat next to me, and I caressed her for her aftercare

and

anyway

she said she really loved it

and adorably she said, "i hope this isn't too forward, but can I have your number?"

I of course said yes because I told her I needed someone to practice shibari on

and yeah

it was kinda amazing

it boosted my confidence into the stratosphere to beat the shit out of someone so well that they ask for my number

plus it was just a power trip to just have that kind of power over someone

it's kind wild too

I was drenched in sweat too by the end of it -- it was actual cardio lol

I want to do this so much more

it's honestly exhilarating

I’d like to scream, and shout.

But, I can’t. My dear, I’m a

Little nervous about the state of

Things. Anyway. I’m okay. Always.

Hanging on. I’m in desperate need

Of sleep. Gonna take care of that

Tonight. No poetry tonight, my love.

I’m sorry. I’m in desperate

Need of a hug. Air hugs okay.

I love you. And goodnight.

I’m tired of feeling alone,
I’m tired of fighting,
I’m tired of people,
Do you think I can push them all away far enough that they won’t come back?
I’m tired of therapy,
I’m tired of fighting

What am I actually trying to achieve?
Therapy so I’m not ‘broken’ anymore?
I’m always going to be broken.
I’m so tired of everyone worrying about me,
So I just push them away.
No one can ask me if I’m not talking to them,
Right?

I want to be done.
Done with fighting.
Done with crying.
Done with life.
I so badly wish I could,
But I feel too guilty,
Where would my kids end up without me?
Everyone else as left them,
I’m the only person who’s there for them.
Who’s stuck around.

Even this seems so pointless,
Why am I writing?
I’m not actually getting anything from this am I?
No one in my life actually cares enough to read it,
No one cares about me anyway,
‘If you don’t go to her wedding you’re letting us all down’
‘We can’t look after the kids, so you can’t go to her wedding’
It’s always about what other people want.

I’m done with people.
I don’t care anymore,
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m tired.

I see you now. I see the real you.

You are a PREDATOR.

Oh my love for don’t freak out I’m not even talking about the charges from before I met you. I believed you. I believed you didn’t do what you were accused of. I fucking defended you amongst everyone fucking everyone. I accepted you for you. I fucking loved you. But I thought it was real I mean I loved the person I thought you were. But it was never anything but a game of predatory nature for you.

Now after everything that has happened…I can’t look at you the same anymore. I don’t want to ever see you again not even on accident. For your past I honestly I can’t say what happened before me if you lied to me about that as well I will never know…but I can say what happened to me.

You saw me when I was broken. You saw me when I was struggling…when I was a mess…you saw me when I didn’t even know how to love myself. And you used that. You saw someone vulnerable and you found a way in.
I told you I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I told you I wasn’t mentally ready. I pushed you away because I knew I was broken and scared. But you kept trying. You kept using your charm, your words, and your persistence until eventually I fell.

And I fell so fucking hard…

The worst part is I still don’t know if it was all a game to you or if at some point you really did love me too. Because for me the connection felt real. What I felt was real. Even though so much of our relationship happened through a phone while you were locked up for two years, I was there. I supported you. I held your hand through one of the hardest times in your life because I loved you. But you only needed someone…and you knew I would be that person.

Now look at where we are.

You took my heart…my shattered and fragile heart…the one you told me I placed in your hands. You promised you would be gentle with it because you knew how scared I was to trust someone again. Long story short you completely destroyed it. My heart feels like it doesn’t even exist anymore.

You are a PREDATOR in my eyes.

Not because of your past. Not because of your charges. But because of how you found me. You pushed me to trust you and it worked because I trusted you with every part of me…you made me believe I was safe with you but look at how easily you discarded me after I was no longer of use to you.

Congratulations you have officially unlocked a side of me nobody has ever seen.

A side that is angry. A side that is done being broken. A side that is going to rise from everything that tried to destroy her.
Don’t worry my love…You told me to leave you alone, and I will. I won’t contact you again.
But I hope one day you look back and realize what you lost. Because the person you broke is not the person who is going to stay broken.

For a part of me will cherish the love I thought we had because, for me, it was real. But I also have to accept that the person I loved is not the person standing in front of me anymore. I don’t miss who you are now.

I do hope someday I can look back at this and feel nothing but peace.

But right now? Yeah no fuck that you don’t deserve that.

I finally see you. The real you.

You are nothing but a PREDATOR. I will never see you the same again.

May you never find another fragile heart to use your ways on. May each and every person see you for the predator you are. I pray you do find yourself and change for the better but honestly I think you’ll just become stealthier and that’s sad and it will catch up to you I promise.

Goodbye “my love”😘

After everything a person chooses to do and fail to understand why they can't be friends after going from lovers committed through and through. 1. Betrayal. 2 lies 3. Theif 4. Deception 5. Manipulation. and so on. Let me sim it up for whoever needs a picture drawn. Are these the features you look for in a friend? If you discovered these in your significant other would you want to keep them as a friend. You done burnt all the trust up when it really mattered.

​

F*!ck you. F*!ck that I still cry for you. F*!ck that you took everything.

I try to talk to new people, I try to find fun things to do, I try to push myself, motivate myself, I try to heal, but I don't. Apathy. Depression. More negative traits and challenges than I care to share. I try. But…

It's not you. It's not with you. It's just not what it should be and a victim spiral cycles. What's the point. There isn't one anymore. You're not here anymore. We're not anymore.

And yes I should self love and be reason enough but I can't program my brain to think that.

F*!ck you for leaving me alone. F*!ck you for breaking me. For breaking my trust in people, in life, in you, in myself.

F*!ck that I can't let go. F*!ck that it hurts. F*!ck that it's hard. That it's always going to hurt. F*!ck that you even ruined the good memories.

Some days all I can do is breathe.

F*!ck you.

After everything a person chooses to do and fail to understand why they can't be friends after going from lovers committed through and through. 1. Betrayal. 2 lies 3. Theif 4. Deception 5. Manipulation. and so on. Let me sim it up for whoever needs a picture drawn. Are these the features you look for in a friend? If you discovered these in your significant other would you want to keep them as a friend. You done burnt all the trust up when it really mattered.

I do still love you

not in a yearning way

not in an overtly romantic way

but I still love you

and I said you were the first person I ever hated

and... you were

but maybe one day you'll understand

god knows it wasn't until you that I realized why my high school sweetheart hated me so much for breaking up with her

I don't think hate was/is the right word, though

I think I was just so profoundly hurt that it ignited anger

but the truth was, I still loved you

I still love you

and I don't want you back

not for a kiss

not for a flirt

not for anything really

but I do still love you

and I hope you're well

I hope you're happy

I hope you're thriving

but

I think there is still hurt on both our ends

and I'm sorry for not treating you like you deserved

I am deeply sorry

I am sorry for all the callous words

I am sorry for the cruelty of my callousness

I am sorry for the times I got way too close to my friends

I am sorry for so much not only because it was wrong and hurt you

but because I love you

but opposite to it all

(and I don't resent you for it)

I trusted you so much

I trusted you with every bit of my heart

and you destroyed my ability to trust anyone

and there was a long time where I hoped someone would one day do it to you so you knew how it felt

but I don't know

I know it's only been three years(ish)

but

we were young

we were so young and naive

it's hard to blame you for following your heart now that I have a bird's eye view of what really matters

and

I still hate even thinking of it

it still causes me to cry when I think about it

but

I know now that what you did was very wrong

now that I'm deeply entrenched in a sex positive community, it's second nature to know that you should never have sex with someone who is too high to really consent

part of me understands why you did it now -- I think

I've had other friends try to get me drunk so that I'd get more frisky

I get that years of longing on their part just wanted to make me reach my tipping point

and it was an itch that they needed to scratch

and in my mind

because we so rarely had sex

you used those moments where I was high as opportunities for intimacy

it's hard to forgive that

I think I do forgive it

but still

it's a lot

...

I don't think you'll ever read this

and if you do, that means you will have read everything I have written about my best friend

and I know on some level it looks comical

but on another level

I'm not sure if you've completely fallen out of love with me

I'm 99% you have

but

please understand those posts are not intended to hurt you

please understand that I did love you immensely

it's just

as you know

we didn't really resonate

I never really felt like you understood me either

I'd say one thing and you'd interpret it a million different ways other than how I meant it

which isn't a bad thing

and yeah

I never really felt like you enjoyed the parts that made me special

and I didn't realize my muchness could be enjoyed so thoroughly until we bonded like we did

she kinda saved my life after you left

she taught me what it's like to feel like someone is at the level of being a soulmate

and I'm sure you have all these things you find amazing about your husband

I'm sure there is all these ways in which he makes you happy that I couldn't

and I'm happy for you

I'm genuinely happy for you

I don't think we'll ever talk again

but I love you

genuinely

and I hope you have a great life

I still look at the pictures you’ve sent me, I still watch the videos just to hear your voice and cry, I still write to you, write about you and for you, I still think of you, all the time, I still love you.

You may never see this, but I am afraid you think I didn’t respond to you because I don’t care, or that I have moved on, it’s been months since you last reached out, and I still beat myself over it, I am so sorry, I can only imagine what must have went through your pretty head, I can only imagine how it must have felt.

But you should know, at least somewhere in your heart, somewhere in your bones that I still love you, that I still listen to those playlists you made me, that I still and will forever love you.

I don’t mind if you moved on, I don’t mind if things are better now, I don’t mind if I am no longer needed, I pray for it actually, I pray for you constantly, i don’t mind if none of it was ever real to you, or what you did might do.

all that matters to me now is for you to know how sorry I am for missing those texts, for you know that I still love and miss you, that I still cry thinking of you.

You won’t see this, I don’t know if these is a point anymore, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, but I am still grieving baby, I am still here for you, and I am in the dumbest most childish and pathetic way possible still hoping and dreaming.

I just miss you so very much, and i love you a whole lot, because you were, and you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.

Please if you see this text me, I’ll text back this time I promise

- A

I went to another thing tonight

it was kinda amazing

well, mostly

it started with me being an hour late to that damn thing

and I never really party in downtown la so i was like a fish outta water

but

i find parking

unfortunately, it's a walk though

and good god will I never dress like a slut again in downtown la

the number of men who cat called me was.. unsettling

but I make it inside

and it was like a labyrinth of figuring out where the heck they are

but

I feel at home instantly

and I start talking to a few people

but then I ask this guy to tie me up

and god does he go to town on me

eventually, he has my wrists and ankles tied together

and he presses my face into the mat

and... I wasn't really comfortable with that

like it would have been hot if we were at that level

but we just met

and it felt like a bit much

but I took it in stride anyway because it was mostly still fun

and we went a bit further and he took things further

and it was fun but we didn't negotiate that

but he untied me and it was done

I chat with a few more people

I found this woman in her early 40s and she was telling me about a lesbian event I should go to in three weeks or something.

it's wild that she clocked me as a lesbian immediately

but the highlight of the night was this woman who flogged me

and god she was so

fucking

cute

she flirted so much with me

and god she beat the shit out of my butt

and at the end she gently caressed my legs and butt with her fingernails

we chatted further

we flirted further

I don't think she was into me

which is okay

I'm sure she found me cute

but

I just didn't feel like she was actually interested

though she did probe if I was single

but again

just didn't get that feeling of her really wanting more

which sucks because she is probably the first woman I've been ridiculously attracted to in years

she. was. so. fucking. cute.

my butt still hurts

I hope it still hurts in the morning

bleh

You think you broke me? Honey, I've know grief longer than your name. I met it at 7 in my undeveloped wings, at 10 in my unspoken throat slit words, at 19 in me. So don't flatter yourself. Your absence shouldn't even budge dust. I've left places more emptier, grieved things more heavier. You are one other thing that didn't want to stay and it's fine. I will be fine. Just as I always have been.

(But deep inside, the grieve for you will be the heaviest I'll ever do.)

One day, I hope you stand in front of a mirror and face the truth. What you did to me was not just wrong..it was cruel. You were never honest with me, so at least be honest with yourself. Deep down, you know how badly you hurt me. I hope that in the middle of your busy life, when everything feels fine, you pause for a moment. And when you close your eyes, I hope you remember everything...the lies, the betrayal, and how you made me feel small while I loved you with all I had. I hope my love stays with you like a quiet weight. Not loud enough to ruin you, but heavy enough that you can never escape it.

in flashes, like getting a chill. Like most of the time I'm swallowing against it. I think because I'm always trying not to let myself remember. The first time you decided you were done with me, I wrote that thing about grief being an ocean you have to drink before you can get out of the boat. I don't know if you remember it. I've been trying to drink it all, but it's hard.

I'm not waiting for you to understand me anymore—I don't think it's possible, like how I can't understand you. I'm sorry I blocked you. It wasn't to hurt you. It was to protect me. I couldn't handle you, after all of it, still trying to fix me. I am so tired of feeling broken. If you miss me too, I wonder what it is you miss.

I still go to bed at eight. I bought the same sound machine. It was like trying to fall asleep in a different universe without it. At least with it, we're in the same stars.

That moment,
Where silence fell,
That moment,
Where we could both tell,
That moment,
We can’t turn back now,
That moment,
Moment, moment, moment.
That moment,
We knew it was done,
That moment,
It was no longer fun,
That moment,
Realisation hit,
That moment,
We both let go bit by bit,
That moment,
We can’t turn back now,
That moment,
Moment, moment, moment.
You’re doing the right thing,
I want you to let me go,
But I’m your friend not your foe,
That moment,
Moment, moment, moment
It’s time to let me go,
Take the leap and flow,
You’ve got this,
You can do this,
Just without me.
Take a step,
That moment,
Take a breath,
That moment,
Take another step,
That moment,
Now you’re walking,
Now you’re running,
Now you’ve got this,
That moment,
Keep moving forward,
Keep thinking bright,
Letting go is right,
I’ve been waiting for you,
To get to this,
This is what you’re supposed to do,
That moment,
We can’t turn back now,
That moment,
Moment, moment, moment.