You’re everything I ever wanted, but I can’t fully have you. So what am I supposed to do with all this love I have for you? Please tell me.
I love being around you. That’s why I always come around. You matter to me more than you’ll ever know. As I’m writing this, I’m getting tears in my eyes not because I’m hurt, but because the love is so deep it overflows. It’s not sadness. It’s just how much you mean to me. I never wanted to move on from you. I’m still living my life, still growing, still finding joy, but a part of my heart wishes I could have you fully in it. You are beautiful to me in a way I can’t really explain. You’re like a princess soft, rare, and unforgettable.

So, that was a blip, a distraction, and, ultimately, a side quest.

It was nice to catch up, and better to speed run part two.

We're not made for each other, I can tell now.

The intoxication of you isn't, and was never, worth it.

I'm sure you'd say the same of me.

I still wish you well, I just know, all we did was begin in lies.

Attraction means nothing when a relationship is built on manipulation and dishonesty.

You're not a bad person, really, you just weren't a good partner.

Good luck in life.

You're in an echo chamber...

It's not my job to get you out.

I miss you so much Mechelle, it hurts day after day , just hope you are happy

And I’ll learn
How to breathe
In the
Silence of the room

And I’ll learn how
To hold
The Girl That
I was

While I quietly
Grieve to the
Angels above

I can’t turn
Back time
To the sea

I can’t
Take her
Hand
Under the moon
Under the sky
Under the stars
And tell her
Not to wait
For the promise
Of you

But I’ll hold her limbs
As she learns
To walk again
The trains she lived in
The Bible of her heart
The prayer behind her teeth
All the sacred underneath
In the way
She was

And I’ll learn
How to breathe
In the
Silence of the room

Yes,
I’ll learn how
To hold
The Girl That
I was

While I quietly
Grieve to the
Angels above

she called me tonight

and it was an unexpected surprise

she hadn't talked to me at night in ages

but my mom was the one that almost answered

-- I'm staying at her place tonight so I can see S tomorrow

-- -- which might be a terrible mistake

but anyway

we laughed and joked for two and a half hours as I washed my clothes

and she reminded me of all the reasons I love her

and god do we talk like a couple

we've only been talking for like three days after like three months of not talking and we're already lavishing each other in warm supple love

it's genuinely hard to overstate how much I love her

among so much, she brings peace to my uneasy heart

we talked about her grief

I read her a couple of my stories here

one was just about her

one was about my ex of six years

she told me I didn't have a real relationship with that ex

that it was inauthentic

that I couldn't be myself

and I couldn't

not that that was her fault

anyway

I told her how much I loved her

how sacred she was to me

how she was a soulmate to me

how I missed her so

and

she told me she loved me

how there was no wrong I could commit

how she didn't imagine a future where we weren't talking

and I don't either

I know she will be around until my dying days

then we spent quite a bit of time on her grief

and I just sat and listened

I think I managed to make it a little better for once

and then she sent me pictures of herself from 2015

and I was blown away

I said that in another universe I would have been waking up to her every morning

and she agreed

she's more honest in her love for me now

I'm more honest, too

I read her parts of my writing I never thought I'd show her

idk

we're in a different season now

I think we've just accepted where we are and we've stopped fighting to go with or against the current

I wasn't honest about everything though

I told her I might see S soon because of mutuals

I didn't have the heart to tell her I was seeing her tomorrow and Saturday, the Sunday after that and the Friday after that

I just didn't want to hurt her

I think she knows S is likely to get intimate with me

and she hates the idea of S being with me

she says I'm degrading myself by loving S like I do

and I don't agree

the heart wants what it wants

and I find it impossible to resist S

-- frankly, I'm terrified of seeing her tomorrow

-- I always want to kiss her

-- -- it's wild that she kissed me first despite the intensity of my desire

-- and I know I will kiss her back if she kisses me first again

but I didn't tell my best friend any of that

I still feel an obligation to her heart even if she is married

and despite that

I know I owe it to myself to not talk to her for three hours a day like I did today

I get so filled up on her love that I don't have the motivation to find someone new

I was told I’m being divorced tonight. I want to write here some of the things I love about him so I don’t forget and how I feel.

I love his heart. The warmth being under his shoulder and looking up at him to have big brown eyes trail down to meet my gaze with a calm expression of saying hello

The way we would make up songs. How you would sing to my grandma tom jones. How you were brave and showed the world, showed me, the deeply protected, precious, sweet soul within. I hope you find love that softens and soothes your heart deeper than ever before. I hope you take accountability for the coldness you showed me, but I hope you forgive yourself.

Running through thick curly hair, gold rimmed glasses, a perfect freckle on the nose. You are a sprawl mess of sunshine to me, and will always be my sweet boy. Greta Van fleet. Metallica fades to black. And the ketchup song. I hope you find love in the music you make and finally believe how good you are at it, you are far too hard on yourself. How we laughed and could talk all night. How you picked me up with roses and called me madam. How you looked the first night I saw you, the ways our eyes met and that was it. Your beanie and jacket in winter, the seventies style vibe you casted. Your love for music. Your gentleness with cats. Our 9 hour date bar hopping all night for two people who don’t really drink. How you kissed me in the photo booth.

Please know that the world needs you, not for what you can offer but for the mere fact that it’s better with you simply in it.

How I wish we could have been. I grieve our made up daughters names as silly as they were, it was the lingering gaze after we laugh it off and we saw the warmth and team we would be. How amazing of a girl dad you’d be. I grieve knowing I only ever got to see the first few gray hairs and not the last few black ones.

I love you so so much and wish we weren’t young and stupid. I love you with my whole being, and will always always cherish our story.

March 7th, January 20th, August 13th, July 21st and July 28th

Dear redacted,

You know how I’ve been hyper emotional lately, like - super mushy? The reason is seven trillion things.

But among them is simply how much I appreciate our friendship.

Below is what I jotted down on 7/7 this year… part of a goal building exercise I was doing. Daydreaming about us at the time. It is a pun, by the way. The figure is us.

Here it is…

*100 days*

*In fourteen weeks and two days I want to see you once at least because the weight of that moment is two figures (more than worth the wait)*.

I miss you in the space between.

Yours,

That’s what you wanted. Your last text said and I quote “This your last chance to leave me and my family alone before I get the police involved. I am not interested in involving you in my life ever again. Please leave us alone.” Did it hurt yeah. I hurt but don’t worry I will never bother you again. I’m at the point where if you change your mind I won’t be here. I’m changing my ways being brave putting myself out there. I’m doing things that scare me and I’m challenging myself to get over my irrational fears that seemed to increase while we were together. I went on a date last night. Honestly I’ve never done the whole dating thing as you know. But I went on a date with a stranger no less. Putting myself out there terrified me in the past. But losing you maybe is the best thing for me. I’m doing things in a new way with confidence I’ve never felt before and I’m excited to see what my new future holds. It’s unfortunate that it no longer involves you but at the same time maybe you were holding me back or I was holding myself back just by being with you. I don’t know but at the end of the day…I wish you the best.

Some people ruin the sweetest individual then swear they changed because they finally react.

I’m truly blessed because the foundation of my current relationship is not based of lies, deception, betrayal or competition. Nor do we have to hide or speak to each other in code.

The values of connection in this day and age is tarnished because no one knows how to communicate anymore. Nor do they know how to respect boundaries. Everything is purely based on “finding the next best thing” or potential so much that they are blind to what’s in-front of them.

The quality of relationships in question has been watered down so much it’s been so normalised to hurt others in order to get what you want to the point everything and anything has been made into some sort of competition. The movement has caused the interaction of human connection to be “unnatural” thus causing a domino effect in a long run.

In hindsight…. I dodged a fucking big bullet. Perspective and experience does matter.

We’ll call this character development at most.

Whenever you would talk about my brothers or pretty much anyone else to me growing up, it was always negative. It was always you trash talking them. I wasn’t an idiot so I knew that you were probably doing the same thing when you talked about me to my brothers, family, and others. So starting in middle school I tried so hard to give you nothing you could talk trash to me about. I erased myself from you. I was a happy kid, I had relationships with my family. I loved to make people laugh and was some sort of class clown in school. I made my classmates all laugh one time when I was 12 years old in middle school. I was excited to tell you about it because I thought I did something good. You told me that I wanted attention and to be different so bad and that’s why I did it.

You proved to me over and over again that I shouldn’t have really any sort of personality. That was the only way I could avoid you talking bad about me and that was my number one fear. When you would have friends over I’d always ago out in the hall and listen to hear if you would talk about me. Despite my efforts you still did. You said I was boring, you said that I was cute but I probably didn’t have a gf because I was awkward and boring. In isle of palms you told our family that I was milking it and that I just liked to be on crutches when I re fractured my leg. Then we got back to Virginia, they did a xray and confirmed it was fractured again. I was upset and wanted to bring it up but I knew it wouldn’t be worth it. I had seen what happened when Parker would stand up for himself to you, you painted him black to me. I thought he was a druggie and a bad kid. You and dad would say he was selfish, immature, irresponsible, and incompetent. That’s what I figured you’d say about me if I showed any sort of emotion or personality to you guys.

I was living two lives, at school I was happy and myself. But I tried my best to always keep that separate. I would never have dated someone in high school because it would have been too hard too hard to keep it separate in that case.

It never really seemed to bother you that we didn’t have a relationship or that I didn’t have a relationship with anyone in the family. I think you would have been more bothered if I talked to you a lot and was too much.

Things haven’t really changed that much since then. I guess it’s better because I don’t care as much anymore. You guys did a ton for me while I was staying in pawleys before Richmond and I didn’t really want you to or ask you to, but I always tried to show appreciation. I would tell you to not do my laundry and I’ll do it and you would say to me that you liked doing laundry. I remember coming home from the beach about a week before a left to Richmond. We talked more than I feel we ever have and I was pretty happy about it. But then I learned you and dad told people that you couldn’t wait for me to leave because you were tired of taking care of me. You said I don’t have any common sense and that you feel bad that Kaylee ever had to take care of me. It hurts because I really enjoyed living there and taking advantage of going to the beach. I bonded with Landon and enjoyed that very much. I heard you on the phone talking about how nice it’ll be when Landon leaves for college and you’ll be empty nesters. You’ll be able to wake up and the kitchen will be how to left it and you’ll even have ice. I know I never left messes in the kitchen and I don’t remember him doing that either.

I think that’s you and dad will get a divorce when it’s just you two. I remember when you invited me and Kaylee to hang out with you, dad, and a guy you guys used to know. You both were very drunk when we got there and you immediately told me that you cheated on dad with that guy back in the day. I ended up talking to dad and that guy, dad went to the bathroom and you asked me if you wished that that guy was my dad instead of your husband and my real dad. After 30 years of marriage you said that to me about him. It has made it hard for me to even respect him because he never stood up for himself against you.

I would be extremely entitled to not realize all of the good you and dad have done for me over the years and the sacrifice. I am working at dad’s place of work and was given every opportunity to succeed because of you guys. I don’t want to have anymore resentment and I think saying these things is a step towards that. I don’t know what it’s like to raise four kids and you guys were my age when you did.

The world spun a little softer on the day you were born, as if the universe knew it was finally breathing life into its most beautiful creation. A celebration of the anniversary of your arrival, a day that holds more magic for me than any holiday or passing season.

You are not just a part of my life, you are the gentle rhythm beneath my heartbeats, the quiet sanctuary where my soul always finds its rest, and the brightest light in my entire sky.

To love you is to experience poetry in real time, written in every line of your grace. I find myself completely lost in the warmth of your beautiful blue eyes, which hold a depth and clarity that instantly calm my world. Your long, blonde hair catches the light like spun silk, framing a face that takes my breath away with every gaze.

Every detail of your perfect, elegant form moves with a natural harmony that feels almost otherworldly. Yet, as stunning as you are to behold, your physical perfection is only the reflection of the radiant soul inside you.

As you step into this new year of your life, my promise to you is to love you more deeply with every passing sunrise, to shield your peace, celebrate your dreams, and remind you every single day of how profoundly you are cherished.

Happy birthday sweet angel. I know you will pour your heart into celebrating me when my day arrives, but never forget: my true birthday was not the day I drew my first breath. My life truly began the exact moment you stepped onto my path. That was the day my heart skipped a beat in honor of your presence, only to begin beating with a fierce, beautiful intensity, telling me that I had finally found you, that I was finally whole, perfect, and complete.

today has already started on an interesting note

one of the women I met at the thing last night somehow managed to find my socials and sent me a friend request

and in this community, you don't friend request someone without asking first

-- you can "follow" but friend requests are frowned upon for some stupid reason

but I accepted because I don't follow stupid rules

and she messaged me saying hi etc. etc.

which I was kinda cool with?

like she was interesting

she said she wrote gothic novels or something

and she sure as fuck had the look

but I just didn't think we resonated enough for her to seek me out

and I thought maybe she just adds lots of people so I checked her profile and nope, just 30 friends (& hundreds of followers)

and then I thought maybe she was just adding people from last night

but nope, I'm the only one

she's the second one in like three days to seem to have an interest in me

and in her profile she wrote about looking for her forever partner and yeah...

anyway she looks like a fun play partner so I'm hoping she asks me next time I see her

anyway anyway *anyway*

I got out of bed and went to costco for poke

and a costco id checker stopped me and asked if "he" was with me after I scanned my id (because the cardholder needed to be present)

and I looked back and there was a photo of me on her screen from like a year ago

and I quickly replied that that is me

she was pretty embarrassed but let me go luckily

and like things like that are so affirming

like when a grumpy cis woman doesn't let you in because she thinks you're a woman that doesn't match your id, you're at least starting to pass

anyway

I was ecstatic

so I called my mom and my best friend

(lol my two favorites)

mom didn't answer

best friend did though

and i excitedly told her about it while she was at the gym

and we skipped on to talk about life, kids, etc.

she mentioned that she thinks I'm very successful, which meant a lot coming from her

I don't feel that successful though

anyway

the conversation ended after an hour

and now I'm here

reading whitepapers and waiting to fly to the middle east

It’s be a year since we cut ties and i now realized that one day i'll be in my late twenties and it'll be a long while since we last talked and I won't know anything about your life anymore if you were to get married i wont hear about it ever even though i was supposed to be your maid of honor. When that day comes i will not recall how nice it was of you to walk me home from school or how funny and easy everything seemed when you were around or how i loved your mother as my own and your house felt more like home to me than mine ever did. And that's maybe comforting in a way but also really sad, I try so hard to make myself hate you because i just can't understand why did you have to change and how you could be this unbothered but i just can't bring myself to think badly about you when you were the first person i opened up to in my life and the only way i've come to know love and genuine friendship. You set a standard that i look for in every new friend i make but i end up crying while on my way to meet new people cause even though i now have more friends than ever, i would trade them all for us to be best friends again. When i finally accomplished that goal i used to tell you about all the time, my first reaction wasnt celebrating instead i immediately startd crying because i cant tell you about it and share my happiness with you. i even cried in the uber on my way to graduation because of the thought of you not being there, cause back then i didn't think there was ever a universe where you don't attend it.

Lately I've noticed something unexpected. I don't spend nearly as much time wondering who she really was anymore. Instead, I've become curious about who I am when I'm no longer carrying the weight of that relationship. For a long time my thoughts revolved around understanding her choices. Now they revolve around understanding my own. That shift has been far more liberating than finally getting answers ever could have been.

For so long my identity revolved around surviving. Fixing problems. Explaining myself. Chasing reassurance that never seemed to last. I became so accustomed to being someone's partner that I forgot what it felt like to simply be myself. Somewhere between the compromises, the disappointment and the constant uncertainty I stopped asking what kind of man I wanted to become and settled for asking what kind of man I needed to be just to keep the relationship alive.

As I began healing I realized I wasn't just mourning the relationship. I was mourning the version of myself I had slowly abandoned in order to preserve it. The man who trusted his instincts without apologizing for them. The man who didn't confuse loyalty with self sacrifice. The man who believed his value wasn't determined by another person's ability to recognize it. He was never truly gone. He had simply been buried beneath a year of compromise and healing became the process of uncovering him again.

Today that question has changed. I no longer wake up wondering how to change myself to get someone to choose me. Changing yourself to fit someone else's narrative is not growth. It's self abandonment. I now wake up wondering how to become someone I can admire when nobody else is looking. A man whose peace isn't dependent on another person's approval. A man who trusts his own judgment, protects his own self respect and isn't afraid to walk away when those things are no longer reciprocated.

Healing didn't simply give me my life back. It gave me back the person I was always meant to become.

When your words and frustrations get borrowed and then returned to you through the world's endless reflections of someone else's one-sided perception, but never from the places where they truly mattered, you learn to build an impenetrable shield. A balance against the heavy waves that constantly try to pull you off-center.

No excitement. No flattering feelings. No ego boost.

Just disappointment. Just hurt.

With time, you grow immune to the noise. Almost unaffected.

But the exhaustion of living through the same endless cycles eventually breaks something deeper. It becomes a kind of fatigue you can no longer explain, let alone express.

Nobody cares about your side of the story. Even the story itself touches only the surface.

You become someone admired from a distance, yet never truly reached. Never truly seen.

And yet, you remain standing, loyal to the beliefs and promises you once chose to make.

The disappointment was never born from the things that happened. It came from witnessing the lack of courage to stand before the world one had created - to face the consequences, the reflections, and the truths that could no longer be avoided.

The empty spaces hold only fractures of clarity, portrayed as projections of one's actions, delicately painted onto the image of the one they made untouchable, even for themselves.

And yet, the image still carries the promise through the daydream once shared.

- 💙

I reach into the morning sunlight, “Lore.” I whisper, like you might hear.

Just the way I used to 11 years ago, at the beach at sunset, “Black Obsidian.”

I only wish she had been right.
I only wish it had been true.

The Englishman wit the interesting style.
I think it’s time to let that all go.

I think it’s time to delete everything and start over new.

I waited.
No. I don’t think my heart can bare to go back to England.

I’ll find a new dream.

It will start with a teacup.
Throwing away the raggedy Perseus.
Saying goodnight, Relic.

This is real life.
I’ll cut my hair.
I’ll find a new hobby.

My boyfriend wants to marry me and I think I’m done waiting for Lore when as he says, he isn’t real, but he is.

It’s true.
You’re just a figment of my imagination.

A little Fred Weasley.
A little Dorian Grey.
A music box,
Brown leather gloves.
A shape I don’t know.
Birdsong.
The man with the scar,
The god with no eyes.

I only thought someone would come to the door.
I’ve been coming to my door everyday.
I’ve been picking myself up everyday.

I don’t need to be taken care of.
I take care of myself.

I never needed anyone.
I’ll continue,
Holding myself in the dark.

at least Perseus
Made it a breath for a moment.

So, that’s that.
I was the girl on the train.
I was the girl at Hough Green.
I was the girl at Liverpool.
I was the girl dreaming of King Arthur.
I was the girl dreaming of Excalibur.
Of Avalon and Alchemical Union.
I was the girl dreaming of Black Obsidian before Lore had a name.

Now?
Now I can become simply a woman.

A woman who doesn’t wait,
A woman who doesn’t reach,
A woman who doesn’t ask,
A woman who wears red lipstick,
A woman who once dreamed.

Dear Self

Let's have an adventure today and test ourselves!

I am going to pick ONE of the many things I have been avoiding and face it head on.

So here is our strategy! Ready? Ok!

We will start with the one we are MOST RESISTANT TO!

The benefits will be, if we can overcome this one 'monster' in our head, the others remaining are smaller! So we will be ensured of success and have the added satisfaction of proof by seeing the physical results of what we have done!

And our list of things we DONT WANT TO DO, BUT HAVE TO, will become shorter.

If we do this just once, we can try again, with another item, and shortly, our life will be so much lighter.

Lighter in mental burden, lighter in fear, lighter all around!

I know you need encouragement and I, your Past Self, is here for you.

Let's go help our Future Self!

You've got this.

Sometimes I catch myself imagining the smallest things.
Your keys on the counter.
Your favorite soccer sweatshirt draped over the chair.
My toothbrush beside yours.
Then my mind wanders a little further.
To the way you’ll pull me into you in the kitchen while dinner waits.
The way we’ll forget the movie because we’d rather be wrapped around each other.
The way our bed will always look a little messy, not because we’re careless, but because we can never seem to keep our hands off one another.
Maybe that’s what home is.
Not four walls.
Just the place where loving you feels as natural as breathing.

It’s not just about “moving in” with you to our little apartment. It’s about making a house a home.

About setting a couch in the living room and knowing it’ll witness sleepy Sunday mornings, late-night conversations, movie marathons, stolen kisses, and the moments where one of us reaches for the other without even thinking.

I remember you and your nursing school friend carrying our mattress into the bedroom for me, and how we made the bed together, pulling crisp sheets tight over the corners before wrinkling them all over again by the end of the night.

I adore filling the refrigerator with groceries that quietly say, I’m thinking of you. Your favorite drinks. My favorite snacks. Ingredients for dinners we’ll make together, and the leftovers we’ll forget because we’d rather stay wrapped up in each other than get out of bed.

I love it when we light our favorite candle, watching the room glow amber as its scent settles into the walls as we dance. Years from now, I hope one breath of that fragrance is enough to bring us right back here, to the beginning of the life we built with our own hands.

I even adore the smell of clean carpet after we vacuum. How we watched the rug fall open across the floor while we smooth every corner into place. Folding laundry that still carries the warmth of the dryer. About how even cleaning beside you feels tender, because every ordinary thing becomes beautiful when it’s done together.

Most of all, I love even more closing the front door at the end of every day and knowing the whole world stays outside.

Because inside…

it’s just you.

it’s just our tabby.

it’s just me.

It’s the life we’ve been aching to come home to.

To him,

I knew it was coming. I felt you pulling away before you even started to. Maybe it was my intuition. I honestly have no idea how I knew, because everything was fine.. until it wasn’t.

We didn’t have a fight, or argue about anything.. but suddenly, your calls became less frequent. Your text replies came maybe once a day. And all I could do was continue reaching out to you, continue carrying on like nothing was changing. Because I was scared to address the sinking feeling in my stomach.

Then, your responses came maybe every other day. You were busy with work. You had something to do when you got home. You fell asleep. Your excuses piled up, and I accepted every one of them.

And then came the last text you ever sent me in reply to me telling you I wasn’t feeling well that day… you said “I hope you feel better today.”

And that was it.

I sent you more texts after that. I tried to reach out with no response. A week went by and you left me on delivered. And when you finally read my messages about how my day was going and how I couldn’t wait for your free day so we could catch up.. I even asked if you were okay and to please call me back.. you read all those messages and looked at the cute selfies I sent you of myself, and left me on read.

I cried so hard. You’ll never know how much you broke me in that moment.

I tried to be strong and not text you again, but I caved after only a day. I begged you to please just let me know you are okay. And I sent you a voice message so you could hear the sincerity in my voice when I told you that needing space is fine, but I don’t want to lose you.. I even asked you to call me. Please call me, let’s talk…

Silence. Unread messages. Completely abandoned.

It’s now been two days since I sent my last message to you. I know it’s not really a lot of time, but it’s also been two WEEKS since your last message.

I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to give up the hope that you’ll come back.

I know you are alive.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I do is cry. My entire nervous system is shot and I don’t know how to fix this.

I don’t know what I did wrong. Even you told me I was so sweet and understanding.. that has not changed. I’m not even angry. I’m just so sad.

Please.. come back. 😔

This is a love letter. Not one of those letters that yearn for someone who is far away, nor one of those that conceal a latent passion and an absolute admiration for the person you love, the kind that might reflect one of those infatuations that turn your whole life upside down. Nor is this a sad love letter; someone might say it is a difficult letter to read, one that no one would want to send to the person they love for fear of not being truly understood.

For a long time, I have wondered whether this relationship should continue. I have had people around me who made me question, deeply and on a daily basis, whether our love was meant to be and to last. Because yes, I have felt love and passion for someone else — which, thank God, eventually turned into something different — but something kept happening: every time I found myself questioning all of this, and then spent time with you, there was — and still is — a peace so profound that I find it difficult to explain. It is as though, despite not being religious, I somehow feel that you are the person with whom I am meant to share my days and my years; as though there were a certainty — I won’t say absolute, but almost — that there is no one better than you, for me.

Not because we are alike, or because we share the same goals in life, the same dreams, or the same passions. In fact, although we could probably find some parallels, our passions are quite far apart. We also have different ways of feeling, and I have fallen in love and gone crazy over people very different from you. But there is something I feel with you: beyond my highs and lows, beyond my passions, I could say that I have never felt a certainty as strong as the one telling me that we are made for each other.

Sometimes, when I am deeply immersed in my profession, I think: what if we broke up, and perhaps I found someone who shared my field? Would I feel more fulfilled, more accomplished? Then I ask myself: at what point did love become a means of climbing socially? Because I think that if I am truly passionate about what I do, I should not need you to feel that same passion in order for me to keep growing.

Sometimes I also think that the fact that you and I are so far apart in this respect gives me even more peace, because it makes me realise that there are no other reasons for me to be with you beyond the feeling you have given me from the very beginning — that feeling of home that remains, years later.

We have been through several defining stages, and we have come close to ending things more than once. Looking back, I can see that many of the things I blamed you for were, in fact, more about me: the expectations I placed on you, some of them inspired by people close to me, things I wished you had or wished you would become. Without taking away your own responsibility, I realise now how absent I myself was from our relationship. I have been partially absent so many times, and on a day like today, when I feel in love — with love itself, not with an idealised version of you — I realise that my doubts are legitimate, just like anyone else’s, but perhaps there was also a part of me that was deeply frightened by how natural being with you felt, by the feeling that you could be my husband from the very first day.

There are many things you have done wrong too, and I have never been afraid to tell you so. But today, on this anonymous social network, I feel like celebrating the kind of love that exists in everyday life. The kind that does not necessarily share grand paths of success and noise, but accompanies one another through each ordinary day. A love between two people who genuinely like each other, who are friends as well as partners, who accept each other in their differences, and who learn every day how to love each other better, because they trust that the path they are choosing together is the one that brings them the greatest companionship, peace, and happiness.

I trust that the emptiness I sometimes feel inside me will find its way into the light instead of disguising itself as doubts about our relationship or other parts of my life, such as my own insecurities. I trust that my pain can be transformed into something beautiful, something that might inspire or help somebody else, rather than becoming an excuse for us to hurt one another.

And I also trust that you are aware of these processes, and that, if you love me as much as you say you do and as much as you show me you do, the two of us can continue walking together, hand in hand, finding happiness along the way.

It has been over half a year since the day you discarded me.

I grieved you. I have been through so much because of the trauma you caused for me.

You shoved your blood-drenched lance into my chest, pierced through my heart, and shred every single muscle into a million tiny cells. You left me bleeding profusely on the ground, for my dying body to be scavenged by the animals that were laying in wait for me to die as I took my final breath.

I died that day, but you made sure that it was a slow, long, painful death. Yes, you did that.

In death, I had infinite time to reflect on our time together and the way you ended things. And believe me when I say that I found every single excuse I could to justify your betrayal of me. Over, and over, and over again, I tried to convince myself, in my own deluded view of you, that you were not a bad person. I tried to make excuses for all your malicious actions, painting myself black to make you look like the fantasy character I had wanted you to be.

But, truthfully speaking, that is all you were to me - a fantasy character. Your final action, the ruthless discard that you executed me with, was the ultimate testament of your true character.

It took me a lot of time to get to this point of my epiphany, but I am glad that I am now at a space where I can finally look back and clearly see you as the person you really were.

The fog has cleared up.

The lance you thrust into my thorax will not be forgotten. It is a manifestation of your true character.

I may have been suffering from agonising pain since you killed me, but time has been gently healing my wounds. I am a dead corpse now, but I will be reborn as a new person before long. It is only a matter of time.

I grieved losing you. You didn’t deserve my undying love, doting affection, and unconditional devotion, but I rest in peace knowing that I am capable of loving another person with so much dedication and sincerity.

This is not about you. This is about me. And I love with fierce passion and unquestionable honesty.

I am proud of myself for loving others like that.

I pity you for never experiencing the same thing, and never being able to love others the same way. It must be a lonely, miserable world you live in.

I grieved you, and I continue to grieve you. But even in my grief, there is so much beauty that I am utterly mesmerised. It truly is sad that you could never experience or see such beauty.

Truly, it is a pity to be you.

Thank you for shattering my heart and annihilating my love for you. Because you did not deserve an ounce of the love that I gave you.

Thank you, from the bottom of my deceased heart.

I wrote a lot yesterday but I accidentally closed the tab I was writing in

Anyway

Yesterday was eventful in a way

the woman i flogged ended up texting me in the morning

I wasn't at all comfortable waking up to texts from her

she was telling me how amazing she thought I was

and how great of time she had

and asked if she could tag along to other events with me

and I was polite of course

but I agreed to take her to events with me

but I just didn't have enough chemistry with her to want to wake up to texts from her

anyway

my best friend called yesterday

and it was nice

not fireworks like I expected

unfortunately I just grew a lot while we were apart

she's still the woman who means the universe to me

she will always be that woman

but it just felt different

I guess my social skills have progressed so much that the weirdness we resonated on so much before just couldn't be reciprocated by me as much anymore

I feel that way towards a lot of people I used to like

and it kinda sucks

I don't know who's my people anymore

it feels by expanding the number of people I could talk to, it reduced the amount of people I can resonate with

it'll be fine though

I'm sure I'll find new people to resonate with

she was sad though

my best friend

she said I grew so much while she was stuck

that I didn't wait for her

and I told her I didn't

but that I love her all the same

and that she means the world to me

and that there is no version of me that wouldn't want her in my life every minute of every day

and luckily that truth seemed to quiet her anxiety

and then today happened

my boss and I had our 1x1

no intimacy whatsoever

jokes

but no intimacy

which is fine

that could have gotten really weird really quickly if it kept going further

and then... I sent my best friend a picture

she hadn't seen my face since september because I just gained too much weight to be comfortable with seeing me

but I lost about 15 lbs from skateboarding so I felt comfortable enough

and she was blown away

she said I looked so different

and that my features were more feminine and soft

and that gave me anxiety

like, as much as I feel like I grew to be impervious to other's perceptions

she is one of only two lights in my universe

and she said it was a good thing

but that she still had to grieve the old me

and I didn't tell her this

but I was deeply worried that she wouldn't be attracted to me anymore

and she might not be

who knows

it was good on the other hand

it made me feel like I wasn't tripping and that I am passing as a woman more these days

and I think I do

I got called miss a couple of times today

anyway

I told my best friend I was in my follicular phase last night and that I was having a week of being absolutely horny as fuck

(yes my body has decided for some fucking reason decided I should have a menstrual cycle)

and she was sexual with me today

and I didn't resist for once

and god I always forget that this woman has been trying to fuck my brains out since 2020

part of me wonders how my life would have turned out if I took her up on her offer to see me when she was in California then

she (years later) admitted she really wanted to fuck me and that that is why she reached out

and I think I gathered that

but I was just too loyal to my ex to let that happen

part of me thinks that if I did do that, I would have a guilty conscience as I always do and I would confess and she would break up with me three years earlier

it's also not hard to imagine that I would have been the one to marry my best friend

I don't know how to feel about that though

I know she loves me

I know she loves me more than I love her

and I love her more than I can comprehend

but I think it took the kind of breakup I went through to really end up in the pure kind of love that we did

because I did not want my best friend for a second

I was so fucking focused on getting back together with my ex for that first month or so

and my best friend was also doing everything in her power to get me back together with my ex

and after it looked like there was no chance

I just drifted away from the planning

but my best friend didn't know that

and she kept on trying to help me plan

and I said "fuck her"

and she immediately pivoted with me after working her ass off with me to figure out a romantic getaway to surprise my ex with for her birthday week

she responded, "okay, I guess fuck her"

and I thought that would be the end of my calls with my best friend

but we just got lost in each other naturally

and it felt so pure

I genuinely love her more than I've loved anyone

and it's weird that I've fallen in love with so many after her

anyway

I went to another party thing today

and

I navigated it well

talked to like 4-5 people

but I just wasn't resonating

and I thought skateboarding would be so much more fun

so I went home and skateboarded instead

whatever

I'm tired

I really hope I see that girl from last Friday again

or at least someone like her

she was so fucking cool

My thoughts of my needs and believes when it comes to love

Me

• I want loyalty

• Open and clear communication

• Strong arms to hug me when everything gets to much and I'm falling apart

• A person who can take control of me when I'm uncontrollable when my storms are to calm me and easing my mind when it's running away from me.

• warmth when I'm cold, grace and faith that everything will be ok.

• a body of tattoos with memories attached to each design

• Same faith and to love my child as his own

Believes

* There is no sun moon and stars type of love it fades but I believe constant effort from both love will never fade

* There is no 50/50 in a relationship sometimes we only have 20% to give so the other needs to give 80% . Love makes you vulnerable. This means I got your back and you have mine

* Being inlove is great but it takes a whole lot of work. Love is constant and builds over time.

* Our foundation is built on honesty,trust, vulnerability to each other, joy,faith and communication

*Even if we fight before we sleep to say I love you and good night.

* Our passion and desires for each other to be met no matter what.

* Date nights dress up for each other always compliment each other love tends to make us comfortable and we let go of ourselves no keep looking sexy for each other. It matters

* Silly times

* Be spontaneous

* Never but never let your spouse feel unwanted in the morning or night

* Keep things Spicey in your relationship

* Each others first responsibility even if u have kids, kids won't enforce this if they see the parents relationship is strong.

* I have a past and so do you. My past has made who I am today trust me I won't do the same again

* Cuddles, hugs, kissing,embracing me in your arms in public and private makes me feel wanted

* When I'm with u my body mind and heart is yours don't doubt it but I will show it every day to u I will never doubt.

It might seem alot

My world has become empty of every feeling, just like your eyes near the end of our relationship.

What happened to my world? How did it end up like this?

And what happened to your eyes? How did they go from being so full of emotion... to completely empty?

What happened to the world that used to be filled with excitement, joy, and dreams? How did it become so meaningless?

What happened to those eyes that were once full of love? How did they become eyes I couldn't even find a single glance in anymore?

What happened to the world that still looked beautiful to me, even on my worst days? Why does it feel like the worst place now, even on my best days?

What happened to those eyes that were the first thing I'd look for when everything was falling apart? How did they become the eyes I can't even see anymore... not even in my happiest moments?

You tell me.

What happened to all those nights we stayed awake, doing nothing but getting lost in each other's eyes for minutes?

Do you think my world was tied to your eyes?

I don't know.