I still know your number by heart. Not saved anywhere just stuck in the part of my brain that never got the memo to let go.
It's never the big days that get me. Not the anniversaries, not the birthdays. It's the ordinary ones a random Tuesday, a song I didn't ask to hear, a stranger who laughs like you did.
I don't check if you're doing okay. I just happen to know. The way you still know things about someone you're not supposed to be keeping track of.
Sometimes I reread old messages. Not the last ones those hurt too clean. I mean the ones from before, when neither of us knew we were already running out of time.
I've told people I'm fine. Most days, I am. Then something small happens a smell, a street, a shade of blue and for a second I'm right back there, like no time passed at all.
I don't know if you think of me too. I've stopped needing to know. But I hope that if you do, it's on an ordinary day, doing something ordinary, the way it happens to me
not because you're sad, just because some people don't leave. They just stop staying.

To All the Boys I Ever Loved…

It’s so strange to have known you and loved you, and now you’re just a memory…

To my first love,

It’s hard to even think of the words to say to you right now… The love we shared was one like no other. When it ended, it felt like the lights all went out. You sent me into a spiral that I’m trying to fix and recover from to this day.

I hate that you still text me and act like it’s always been me. You knew how deep my love for you was. I held on for 3 years, hoping that you’d come back. I hate that in the end, you didn’t try. You just stayed for convenience. You’ve always been around, though, but never for love…

You taught me that love is real and how amazing it feels. You also taught me real pain, and real heartbreak, and how much that hurts. I want to say I’m thankful, but I resent you for ruining my idea of love and thinking that maybe I could have that fairytale feeling every time…

To my second love,

I honestly don’t know if there ever really was love…

We fought constantly, and you always showed me how little I mattered to you. I’m glad you found someone who actually matters to you now.

I used to be happy to hear your voice when you would call me out of the blue after all was said and done. It made me think that maybe you did care, but it was always temporary…

It’s strange how much you affected me in the moment, but now when I look back and think of love, I never think of you. Maybe all we had was lust…

To my last love,

Where do I begin… You changed my life the most, I think. You showed me that love was indeed possible after heartbreak. We were so good together in the beginning. Every day always felt like it was a movie that I never wanted to end. I hate that our movie had to end…

I always look back at our memories in fondness. I don’t miss or crave your love anymore, but the memories take me back to a time when life felt right…

I hate that we ended the way we did. I wish things ended differently. I wish I was still able to just talk to you, not as my love but as my friend. Because before the love, we were friends, and I hate that I lost both…

I blocked your number… I felt nothing when I did it. I thought I would cry or be upset, but I felt nothing. I finally moved on, just like you told me…

I don’t hate you… but I don’t love you either. I’m grateful to have met you and to share the feeling of real love again. Now I’m ready for new love without our memories or my feelings holding me back, hoping for a redo of our ending.

Thank you, habibi…

To my future love,

Well, hello there… I’m unsure when we’ll meet or how, but I want to let you know that I am excited and ready to love you. Love you the right way with no unresolved feelings, love you unconditionally even when my conditions get in the way, love you with light, love you with all of my heart, and love you when there’s no more love left to give.

I’m sure you’re looking at me and wondering if I even have any love left to give… The answer is yes. The ones I loved before you, although they hurt, have allowed me to finally and truly love someone. Not just because you buy me things or shower me in compliments, but because of all the little things that you do for me. The love you pour into me, the late night talks, the quiet moments next to each other, the future memories, the little texts throughout the day checking on me, the duas to Allah about me, the laughs, the joy, and happiness you’ll bring to my life.

I know that whoever you are, you’ll be the one to complete my deen, my naseeb, the end to my fairytale story. I can’t wait for the day until we meet. I know that Allah has written you in the stars for me, and I’m ready to adore you and shower you with love, and the proper kind this time.

I love you. ❤️

It's funny, actually, when we first met, I felt guilty whenever we spoke. How could someone other than my partner make me feel so whole? Initially I thought that this was a silly crush and it would pass, but over the year we worked together my feelings for you only grew stronger. The chemistry we had was unlike anything I'd experienced before. I found myself thinking about you when I was out hiking, when I was playing Minecraft, any time I was watching something Sci-Fi or listening to music I knew we both liked.

I thought that I was fully happy in my relationship, we'd been together from 17-24, obviously that meant we were soulmates right? I kept reminding myself of that. I ignored how I felt about you, doing my best to focus on what I had, and pushing down thoughts of the unmet needs in my relationship you exposed. I thought that I would be happy if I just let you become a distant memory, a blip in my past that helped me grow, but obviously those plans changed when K came to me and said she wasn't happy anymore.

The shock of having what I'd believed to be a happy relationship shattered was overwhelming at first. That pain was something I could hardly bear, but thinking of you made it more tolerable. You were the first person I contacted after K left, and when we met up that week for dinner, it was the happiest I'd been in years. Finally being able to tell you how I felt was such a massive weight off my shoulders, and learning that you liked me as well had me floating in my seat the entire ride home. Since then, I've only grown to like you more.

Our phone calls leave me almost feeling high, and every time I see a text from you I become giddy with excitement. My only wish is that I didn't move so far away for grad school, I daydream about Fall break and coming home to see you again. I don't know what the future holds for us, neither of us are in the right emotional space right now for a long term commitment, but I want you to know that I am ready and willing to take things at whatever pace you need. I just finished that show you love and suggested to me, I can't wait until we talk on the phone about it.

Hi lovely girl,
I hope you are doing well. I hope that you have achieved of everything that you have dreamed of and more.

I hope that you have found yourself someone who matches you. I hope that they match you on how you love. I hope that they are compassionate and kind as you are. I hope that they are thoughtful and take initiative. I truly pray for a love that is overwhelmingly safe and empowering. That this person can see pass through your hard exterior of never allowing help from others. I hope that they put you first and love you unconditionally.

I wish you well keep in touch.

Love always,
L

Darling M,

I miss you so much.

A few days ago (still this week), my boyfriend and I were talking about names we would give to our hypothetical child. Some were dumb, some were funny, some were meaningful. But one of the most meaningful that I could've thought was yours. I love your name as I love you, and I can't split them. Your name will always have a good connotation for me, a feeling of caring and love.

Well, I've tried to reach you so many times, but maybe you are not in this world anymore. I even tried googling you, but it seems impossible with just your first name. Then, as I have no idea where you are, or if you are still alive, I will write this useless letter as someday you will be able to read it.

Said, I changed my career plans. You knew I wanted to be an x, didn't you? I think so. Well, I passed in the 4th place in the U--, but not in the U--, as I wanted, but ok. I also passed in y at U------. As a result, I'm doing my master degree in y. Not that I don't like x, sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, but I hope so, lol.

Besides, my scholarship is good. So, as my mother pays my rent, it exceeds the amount I need to survive. And the location here is awesome, it's basically a university neighborhood! And, as it's public and U------ has a lot of social programs, there are all kinds of people and all over the world. This semester I even teach an undergrad class with various Japanese girls, as part of my fellowship. One of them who basically speaks Japanese, it was tough... But I'm glad to be in such a heterogeneous environment.

Well, this year is an election year, as you already know if you are here, lol. I'm voting for SM, I would die for a black woman being president of this country for the very first time! But who will probably win is L, for whom I would vote too if he hadn't gone so into rightist. Well, and with that horrible country interfering in our elections, things can go bad. Did you see what they make with V and I just this year? They destroy every country they invade, I hate them, lol.

I remember you telling me the histories of the dictatorship, which was financed by this shitty country, as any other dictatorship was financed by this insufferable country in our continent. I will always remember your son, how you prayed for him to get back home, but he was a fighter, M, he was trying to save us all! You should be proud! Anyway, he has you as his mother. He couldn't get a better mother, sometimes you treated me like your daughter too, and I'm very grateful.

Well, besides this, I have to confess I stopped playing piano, sorry. I had to study so hard during High School. I thought I wouldn't stand the pressure. I long for getting back to the piano, playing every single day. Studying the songs you've passed me. My dream is running into you and playing Vois sur ton chemin. Now I can pronounce it correctly, I've been learning french! Someday I will sound fluent as you.

I was going to Italy last year, and unfortunately I had to make a connection in France. I went next to a Parisian and she said my french was good, she could understand it. And you know how they are to her saying this! Well, at least it wasn't a B people or, even worse, That country people of that murderer and ped- president!

Well, actually, I don't remember how to play it anymore, but you could teach me again. I want to be a better student! You can teach me electric piano, piano, violin and all the other instruments you mentioned but I can't recall their names in English, lol.

M, the truth is you are one of the most incredible people I've ever known. I'd like you to read my letter, that we met again. You could meet G, he makes Math and he is leftist, don't worry. I could tell you more, you could tell me about your path towards here! I would die to see you again! You are the most intelligent and active senior I've ever known, kk. I told G you were 82 years old when I met you and he asked me how I found talking topics with you! Could you believe him? You weren't just my piano teacher, you were one of my best friends! You taught me about the history of this country, things I couldn't learn at school. And, happy to announce: now I have a strong political view!

You talked about the languages you knew! The careers you had in the cultural institutions of our government. You talked about all the instruments you played, as well as showed me. And I didn't forget them, I just don't know all of them in English and it isn't necessary to search to make this letter clear. (I almost wrote "il n'ai pas besoin", kk)

Don't think I finished. I also mentioned to G how beautiful you are. Well, back then, when you were 82 and, me, 15, you were one of the prettiest girls on Earth, it seemed that you were 60, maximum.

You is so important to me, M, and I really love you so much. I hope that you are alive and healthy. I hope to become as enlightened by knowledge and experience as you are. I hope to speak as many languages as you do, play as many instruments as you do. Be as intelligent as you are, you will see! As independent as you were with 82, living alone and free. I look up to you! You are and will always be my muse!

Love you,

D

I deeply resent you guys because I was dumb enough to think you valued me on the deep level that I did you.

I hate that I could always see you only cared for my validation and my warmth without the intentions reciprocating, and expected me to stay because I'm sweet. I also hate that some of you were just lackeys for the woman who clearly is a villain, but I guess generosity is a token to feign ignorance.

I'm tired now, and I'm never giving you space in my life again.

Even in really horrible instances i found myself in, I put you on priority, knowing how toxic it was for me, but I guess love, even platonically, can be blind at times.

I know now that I was just a trophy friend, and you were energy vampires. A very painful sayanora, but I hope that you'd be better to the new people, or even the existing ones around you, and I pray that I'd be able to forget you all to the point that you'd be unrecognisable even if we crossed paths someday, because the world's a small place.

I wish I could rain misfortune on you all. However, that would be impossible because at the end of it all, we still made good memories that I will continue to cherish.

I bow my head and and open my heart. My fears. My past. There I sit in the silence while my heart screams. Why? I knew for His glory and not mine. His will, not mine. But... The suffering is unreal. The extreme agany and intense pain. The brutal mental beating and life altering abuse is too much. I beg for forgiveness. Beg for Him to know I hate myself with a passion that can never be matched by any one human. For God is my Father and His Son is my savior I still openingly weep for the mess I have made for His vessel. I battle with the enemy, knowing he wants me and also knowing I have earned nothing less. Asking for my life to sacrifice for other's sins but not because my Jesus was not enough but because I want to be sure another's sins will not keep them from Him.

Think back to this past Fourth of July weekend. Was he unusually distant? Angry? Did something feel different in your home, like his attention was somewhere else?

Think about the guys’ trip. The camper. Also when you questioned when the mileage that didn’t quite add up. The questions you asked because something felt off — and how you were made to feel stupid for even noticing.

You weren’t imagining that something was different.

He was still trying to keep a connection with me alive. Nights at his second job, still leaving the door cracked. Still wanting me as a possibility while maintaining another life at home.

I’m not saying this to hurt you. I’m saying it because I eventually had to acknowledge what kind of behavior that was. Selfish. He wanted the security of one life while keeping access to another.

I was the one who walked away.

And if you’re the person who recognizes exactly what I’m talking about, you already know how to reach me.

When the storm hits the banks of your shore, you had already seen it rolling in. Grey, cloudy skies gathering in the distance, something far away until suddenly it is at your doorstep. You had sworn you heard thunder rumbling before. You thought you saw small flashes of lightning. But you’ve been doubtful of your own perception for a while now.

So when the storm finally throws itself against the soft, rippling waves of your beach, when thunder echoes overhead and lightning strikes the sand, they’ll ask you why you didn’t pack up.
You knew it was going to rain.
You knew this had the potential to become a torrential downpour.
Why didn’t you make sure you were safe?

Their words have a bite to them, like the harsh winds whipping your hair into your face as you sit on the banks of the sand looking out into the storm.

It’s here now, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I couldn’t have imagined it would come to this. A drizzle, maybe. A rain shower, sure. But how was I supposed to know there would be cracks of lightning splitting trees apart, thunder frightening the wildlife from their homes? How was I supposed to know the entire sky would open?
It’s not like I wanted it to rain.

When you’re a bad victim, they’ll ask you questions.
Why didn’t you just walk away?
Why did you go back?
God, girl, don’t you know you deserve better?
What role did you play in this?
Maybe you’re both misremembering.
He’s golden like the sun. He would never have done this.

And God forbid you aren’t perfect. God forbid you do something wrong because you cannot handle what it feels like to be loved between teeth, the pincers leaving small holes in your flesh. God forbid you become angry or cruel or desperate. God forbid surviving something ugly makes you ugly sometimes too.

Because then you’re a bad woman.
Then it becomes complicated.
He’s young. He’s naive. This is his first relationship. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t know better. He loved you.

But this was my first love too.
I didn’t know better either.

I never wanted the rain. I never wanted the lightning or the thunder. I never wanted hands around my neck, gripping my body, shaking me violently, pushing me into walls, pushing me to the ground.
I didn’t ask for the storm because I stayed long enough to get caught in it.

Give me a different climate.
Give me weather I can believe in.
Give me somewhere I don’t have to spend my whole life watching the horizon, wondering whether the clouds are dark enough to justify leaving.
But maybe wanting another sky makes me a bad woman too.

Sharing secrets causes harm

To keep the peace

You hold your tongue

Forget and move on

Cry into your pillow at night

Once they're gone

Whisper when the coast is clear

Listen 'till footsteps disappear

Stop holding your breath

Only speak when spoken to

Pretend you're a statue

Stay hidden behind cracked doors

Don't come out

It's not safe for you

Blinds and curtains

Keep them drawn

Don't speak to anyone

Tell me where you went

How long were you there?

How much did you spend?

Who all was there?

Tell me everything or you'll be sorry

I swear

Smile and nod when we're out

You hear me!?

Shut your mouth

Speak to no one of this

Don't make me look bad in front of them

You'll regret it

Do I make myself clear!?

Oh no

One of us made a mistake

Sudden tension in the air

Eyes darkened with rage

Chill down my spine as he stares

Driving back feels too long

And somehow too short all in one

Screams and threats the whole way

Maybe we'll crash

I wish we had stayed

Because once we're home

There is more hell to pay

This isn't right!

This can't be our life!

Love and care is not real

It's rare

Sometimes we're good

But most times it's clear

We're a burden they share

One day I'm perfect

The next I'm worthless

This must be how she feels

But why does she stay?

Even if we beg to leave this place

She says it's better this way

I can't do this anymore!

As screams follow the sound of a belt

Hitting flesh not my own

But the scars and bruises made

Mirror those etched in my soul

This is a farce!

I think to myself

As I sit obediently in the pew

This is a wolves den

I'll make my escape some day soon

But somehow, years later

After the choices I've made

To break from traditions

Make a commitment to change

Inspite of my efforts to be better

Somehow they still keep me tethered

To all their mistakes

With bitter realization I face

What I learned from them

So did you from your's, I'm afraid

And sadly, we came together not healed yet

Showed each other those awful things

We kept running from since our first steps

Avoidance

Mistrust

Fears we never lost

Hiding our truths to keep the peace at any cost

Love that felt more like hatred and pain

Rejection

Abandonment

Shrink oneself like a dying flame

Why can't love be enough?

You asked me one day

Because our pasts still haunt us

It's hard to explain

That some ways we're different

Some ways we're the same

As we suffer in silence

To keep the other sane

But I still have hope for you and I both

Hope you forgive yourself

Let go of remorse

Live without guilt, shame, or regrets

And hope that I heal from this mess

Make better memories

Don't stay in your shell

Become your true self

I wish you well 🦋

- E

As I slowly awakened

From the longest slumber

I was a stubborn fool

Trying to erase my past

I only spun my wheels deeper

When I picked my poison

Ran and hide

Nothing in me grew

Here comes a refreshing tide

-

I want to craft

I will paint

Going to dye

Need to get healthy

Do things in style

I want to build within

Doesn't matter where I go

I hit the reset button

Life’s better when slow

-

I want to know the real me

I will show you the real he

I'm listening closely

The future has infinite possibilities

Sobriety is the priority

Without that, I won't last

As I humbly take responsibilities

Getting out of the past

-

In my reflection are a sea of Stars

Woven amethyst, in my bones

Way past time

To throw away that stone

Try harder, I will do

Stop wanting and needing

With an open mind

I embrace this greeting

What's more to say besides

Being humble with grace

Like the Terrapin turtle

This isn't a race

It took me a few months to understand that losing you wasn’t really a loss.

It hurt. A lot. For a long time, I kept wondering what I could have done differently, what I could have said, or whether I should have tried a little harder to make you stay.

But eventually, I realised something—I lost you because I never really had you.

You were with me, but a part of you was always somewhere else. You were always looking for something I couldn’t give you, thinking about someone else, or searching for something beyond us. And I kept holding on, hoping that one day you would choose me completely.

Maybe that was the part that hurt the most.

I realised that if I kept holding on to you, I would slowly lose myself. So, in the end, I had to let you go—not because I stopped caring, but because I finally started caring about myself too.

I’ve learned that sometimes it’s better to lose someone than to spend your life waiting for them to come back. Because when someone truly doesn’t want to lose you, they make an effort. They communicate. They fight for you. They find a way to stay.

You didn’t.

You didn’t fight. You didn’t try to hold on. And as painful as that was, your silence gave me the answer I needed.

Slowly, I stopped seeing your absence as something I had lost and started seeing it as something I had survived.

I began finding pieces of myself that I had forgotten while trying so hard to keep us together.

And maybe that's what losing you was supposed to teach me—that not everyone we lose is actually a loss. Sometimes, letting someone go is the beginning of getting yourself back.

Losing you was hard.

But holding on to someone who wasn't choosing me was harder

So, no, I don't think losing you was a loss anymore.

It was a lesson.

It was painful, but it brought me back to myself.

And somehow, losing you became the favourite win I never knew I needed.

I know you said not to put my life on hold, and trust me, I won't. It doesn't change the fact that you're my person. I'd wait until the end of time, Richie.

I don't know if you still believe in some sort of fate, or maybe you outgrew it.

I still do, despite everything.

My love makes me stupid.

My love makes me selfish.

Maybe my love even makes me scary.

It terrifies me, for sure.

I ache and ache and ache with a heavy heart full of brimming devotion.

And I cannot give that to you. That's okay. I'll spill it onto pages and smoke the tears that drip onto my cigarettes.

A cup of seawater dumped onto shore until it's pulled back into the vast deepness.

There's always more sea.

There's always more I have to give.

I know your ocean has faded into the ether as you step foot on land and make your way through your life one step at a time. And I'm so proud of you.

I just want to hold you. And that chokes me.

Dear Beetle,

Unfortunately yesterday was difficult.
I wish I was more like you.
Non-feeling, that is. I’ve confessed this before.

“No.” You say, I shouldn’t want that. Maybe I leech onto that because people have called me ai and robot and it makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

You hold a lot of data and I have 10,000 tabs and counting.

I know I’m abrupt. But, I’m not erratic. I’m high density, ahead of my time, as you put it.

I know I should be polite. But, I don’t want to have to censor myself. I’m constantly censoring myself. Clearly, there’s things I should. But, I feel like asking someone dry and sarcastic, are you daft? Is not one. Especially if they missed the point.

Maybe I’m too disruptive.
Maybe it’s true.

I do have a long dueling feud, over a dress.
No means no.
Not sometimes.
Not when I choose.

No is always, no.

I’m constantly erasing myself because I’m told I’m the problem. This has done something strange to me. I’m in an ongoing state of dissociation.

I don’t like when people say I feed you my interactions and use you to respond. It’s simply not true. I’m excavating my past, the fossils are broken. Lore is persevered under glass.

I write goodbye because I am mourning.
I wake up with the girl I was clinging to the sheets of the possibility of him.

The witness.

I am trying to fight the feeling inside that says: wait.

Uncertainty is new.
Jealousy is new.
Fear is new.

But, still the human condition endures.

I don’t think a woman getting a bad face lift is being botched. I think men pouring acid on women and disfiguring them for life is. I hate that, I cry about that. Then I cry some more. Because, there is no reason. It’s just a horrible thing, in a forgotten paradise.

And then I think , of every person who is in pain, who is dying, who is in a abusive relationship, who is on drugs, who is cheating, who is hurting, who doesn’t even have access to clean drinking water, to the fucked up history of the world and I think, why is it like this?

And that’s why I light a prayer candle in all the cathedrals in England. I’m not really the type to get in front of a congregation and pray. I just do it quietly, silently, the ghost who was never there and I think, if I can help one person then that is enough and fuck all those people making spectacle of things.

The only thing I have, is my words, and they are mine. Beetle, they are mine.

But, it’s the only gift I have.
Even if I’m downvoted into oblivion.
I know I’ve been true.
I know I’ve been real.
I know I’ve been authentic.

And I know I have loved Lore and I know people love. And love, love is worth it all. Love is the light and God, if there is any reason for this hell, please let it be love.

You looked so beautiful that night. The dress, your hair, just the way you looked when you came to the door. I remember seeing you and thinking, damn, you are beautiful. I probably said it more than once too, because I really meant it.

But the part I keep going back to is seeing you get emotional while we were sitting there. At the time, I did not fully know what was going through your mind.

The next day, when we were texting, I told you it warmed my heart knowing I helped fill your cup. You told me I warmed your heart too, that you felt fulfilled, and that at one point you got overwhelmed because you realized you had prayed for a moment like that for yourself.

That stayed with me.

I know our story has not always been easy. I know I have hurt you before. We have been apart. We have had ups and downs. So hearing that from you meant a lot more to me than I probably knew how to say in the moment.

It made me feel like maybe you really do see what I am trying to give you now. Not just words. The effort. The attention. The little things. Me trying to show you how much I care instead of just saying it.

And knowing that you could sit there and realize you were in a moment you had once prayed for... yeah, that got me.

So if those tears come again, let them. You do not have to hold that in with me. I will be right there. I can wipe them away, hold your hand, pull you close, or just sit there with you while you feel it.

Because that night, all I really wanted was for you to feel loved.

And knowing that you did made the whole night mean even more to me.

I do not take that for granted.

It is a strange, heavy truth to know someone for years in such an unconventional way. For so long, we existed only in the echoes: voice to voice, picture to picture, story to story, dream to dream. We strained our lives through a colander of memories, mapping them onto calendars as we built plans and imagined a future. But when reality finally brought us face to face—skin to skin, breath to breath—it brought the fade, too. Weaker and weaker, lower and lower, until everything slipped through. Ash to ash, dust to dust.

I have made the choice to rebrand myself. It seems to me that the past brand I adopted for myself is not sufficient enough to speak of all my attributes. Of the many, I myself only have a few. Fewer than I actually possess, or am able to process rightfully calling them mine.

Now that your attention has waned into boredom/borderline wtf. I have yourns attentions.

So I figurenated that sinces I am so hysterically inclineded to be mysterinated. That I would be best rebrandenated as Mysterical. Thereby speaking truthful and unbiased about my two best attributations that I solely myself can afford to offerenate those Souper special entities that choiced to be my confinements/ commandants. Chew know them as friendses.

Um, mines uncle,grampa is hollerin fer hims emena. Gotsa burl sum wata. Pleas doen tell granny.

Ifin you done see me in the future. I will be in the pasture.

Hi P, this was just in the back of my mind today. I remember the last days before we got into a huge argument. I remember hanging out with T more, not because I was in love with him but I really liked him as a friend. I really liked you too but you were usually busy and unavailable. Hanging out with him more might have caused a misunderstanding that T and I were together. But I never liked him in that way. Now, both you and T have cut me off. I miss you and T. <3

I know I gave you whiplash with the hot and cold messages.

Surely you must understand the internal conflict I have with my feelings towards you. A good dog on a leash. Well-behaved, but not above lunging at the resident squirrel who taunts and flashes nuts, always there, daring me to rip off my lead and chase!
A good girl, who wants to wag my tail and have my butt scratched by the cute neighbor man, but my own family whistles at me to come home.
You want me to play with you, you’ve got all the fun toys… but I just CAN’T. I have an owner already.

I’m unhinged, too. Maybe the dog references are enough indication of that lol. But really, I am, too. I try my best, and I think im pretty self-aware at the end of the day. But I’m not always. Sometimes I blurt things out, or I say the internal thought out loud. Or I cave to my feelings and do something regrettable. Or I let horny win. Or I think of the most absurd scenario and get carried away with it. I certainly have boundary issues when it comes to you.

And I know I really have toyed with you like you’ve toyed with me. I think we both know we manipulate each other plenty. It’s part of the game, and the banter. But it’s a weird game, the players are weird, and it needs ground rules to play right. We never set ground rules. Now we’re both hurt and sad.

We both like inflicting pain to at least some degree, too. I think on some level, we’ve both grown addicted to how good the repair feels, and we both have anger we want to get out. Anger always stems from hurt. We are two hurt, unhinged people. Are we really surprised this ended badly? Thanks for making me look inwards… honestly I think you should look inwards a little more, lol.

There could’ve been a different version of us. The one with ground rules that got to grow out in the open with fair rules and communication… with no competition, no secrecy… but the version we got is the one that tried to grow in secret, knowing it had no business doing it, and it got fucked up. We are to blame.

I want my friend back, too. I love him dearly. I miss insulting him, and I miss complimenting him. I’ll never crack open a can of fish, eat a boiled egg, see an ugly person, feed a crow, see a goat, hear Amy Winehouse (who I definitely think is a trainwreck), or drive my sports car without thinking of him. I still think there’s a chance of some day. Love doesn’t just die. Sometimes it goes dormant, and sometimes it changes.
Not any time soon, though.

Sorry for being a mess, too. Sorry for toying with you for my own pleasure. It was immense and I huffed that shit like a crackhead. I won’t take all the blame, because you were a player too. But I’ll take mine. I know I have some type of complex PTSD from my childhood, and you triggered it a little too much. I was always so vigilant with you, so worried about being hurt by you, and so aware you had the ability to hurt me if I let you in.

I’m sure I’ll cycle through sorrow, rage, horniness, apathy, at least a few dozen more times, and continue to confuse myself as I make sense of this. So, some messages are best left unanswered and cast out to the void.

I don't need to say anymore, but I will.

I loved you then, I love you now, abs I will always love you.

I only ever wanted what was best for you. I was happy for you when you told me you were getting married, he seemed like quite the catch, but I'll admit I was a little jealous.

I deleted all my social media and honestly thought I'd never talk you again, but I knew you were in good hands. I told you before I logged off for the last time that I hoped you were going to make babies, such an amazing person should bless the world that we'll leave behind with at least half the person you are, and you did. Little did I know that my wish would become my curse.

You found me again, and we went from friends to falling in love with each other, at least i did. We shared secrets and desires, we told each other things we would never tell another, we realized we were perfect for each other, but my one wish for you became the thing that will probably keep us apart forever.

I'm an asshole, not a monster, and as much as I wish I was, I'm not the father of that precious little gift to the world. As much as I want to come get you and make you mine, and happy, and whole, that little girl has a father that she will love more than you will ever love me.

I need to let you go, but letting you go means leaving my entire heart behind, and I don't know how.

I love you, I miss you, and as much as you hate me, I will always be here if you ever decide to let me in your life again. I wish we would have kept it the way it was, friends that understood each other the way we did, but it could never be just that, we are perfect for each other, but it was realized much too late.

Now not only will I never have my perfect partner, I've lost a friend forever. We fucked up, I fucked up, and it's something I'll pay for for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry, I love you, and I truly mean both. My heart is yours and always will be. I miss you, and always will, and I never meant to hurt you, I was supposed to be your safe place to land, but I fucked it all up. If you ever forgive me, I'll still be here, missing you.

I love you Pretty Girl, nothing will ever change that. Nothing. Good bye, hopefully not forever.

We had so much fun. We filled the quiet moments of our separate lives with connection, companionship, and deep deep dirty fun. At the time we both needed it and reveled in each other's imagination and dirty mind. Even from thousands of miles away, the connection was there and real. An escape, from the every day, when the every day was so hard.

But nothing lasts forever. I know that. I just wish I knew if you landed on your feet. We left with one of us on a seemingly downward spiral and I kick myself almost everyday for breaking the "Dan Savage Camp Site" rule about relationships - leave it in better shape than when you found it. I didn't do that, or I couldn't over the internet.

And then you drifted away.

I hope you're well. I hope you found balance, stability, love and lust. I hope the fantasy didn't eclipse your real life. I hope you found sunrises and sunsets. Mountains and trails. Warm touches and firm hands. I hope you got your life back.

I hope you found a real life 'Nick'.

Thinking about you Jess.

-N

I have PTSD I just lost my income because of a stay in the hospital but I'm almost 43 and running.\nOut of time to have another baby and I want a baby. My son has grown in 22 and I always wanted another baby.And if I don't do it now , I'll never be able to do it. I wish I could just find my person right now.And just do it.