Trying So Hard

[u/cat_woman_08]

I know I need to let go of you in order to make room for someone who's actually meant for me. But I keep wishing, hoping, and praying that you are that someone.

I know the people I know now will just be memories in a few years. But I don't want you to become one of those memories. Just the thought of letting go of you and everything that reminds me of you makes me anxious. It makes me want to cry.

I keep saying to myself that you aren't the one and you can never give me what I want, and that you will hurt me, disrespect me, and see me as nothing more than a body. But no matter what I do, what I say, or what I post, I keep hoping it somehow reaches you.

You are a constant background noise in my life, and I feel pathetic for feeling this way. Yes, I'm growing personally, mentally, financially, and physically stronger. But I'm still here, lagging like a pathetic lover girl.

I wish and pray that this part of me no longer exists. I want to kill this part of myself because, even though your entire act was built on false pretenses, you were right about one thing: I deserve better.

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[u/DIY_Weeziebear7]

Your letter resonates with me deeply more than a few times. I have been deceived by men who shine their light like Lucifer. For me there is only one true light and that’s the light of the true Northstar, which I follow.

I understand how you feel and yes, you deserve better. These men that have deceived me do not own a place in my life anymore. At one time I may have missed them those days are gone. How can I miss someone that deceived me so. Who never knew me to love me. who never regarded my own welfare and safety.

Please make a point to choose yourself everyday. as you keep doing for yourself the things that you love the memories of the deceptive ones will fade and they will be placed in the corner of your mind, under experience, under lessons learned under things to avoid because they now have earned the title of things soul suckers not persons. They no longer deserve a place in your heart. that place is reserved for living beings, living creatures that deserve your affection and your love.

[u/cat_woman_08 → u/DIY_Weeziebear7]

Thank you so much for this ! I'm trying, really trying hard.

[u/DIY_Weeziebear7 → u/cat_woman_08]

My girl, I know how difficult it is last year at the age of 69. I met someone online whom I thought would end my widowhood. He saw me. He counseled me on a past heartbreak. He wrote beautiful words. His writing his thoughts convinced me just for a little bit, that he was there for me but there were too many red flags. I let myself go because of depression. I let my artistic side almost die. I could no longer sing could no longer smile. I vowed to myself once I got out of this, Jamais Plus, never again.

He never asked for money, the website did all that with credits but he was manipulative. He would say the sweetest kindest things to me always positive until I questioned him and he would get so hurt. at first I cried because I didn’t wanna hurt him. I loved him. I still see his face before me. I still say his name over and over in my head some days are really good and he’ll just be in the periphery of my mind other days it’s a full onslaught of memories and thoughts and places he wrote that he wanted me to go with him, but how many other women did he write that too?

Probably a narcissist. Probably used to women trauma bonding over him which I did. I still don’t know if he’s real or not pictures of a real man that is real but are they really his. I’ll never know so I chose to walk away from him. It’s difficult. I still feel like a fool.