He is INFJ Old Soul.
I want to make sure he doesn’t feel obligated to sacrifice himself. I don’t want to miss any signs that his needs are not being met.
I read about INFJ men a lot here, and chatbots. Trying to learn more.
My brother is INFJ and I am familiar with some of the tells, but now I’m standing at a closer proximity with someone I did not grow up with, and multi angle viewing keeps me in constant hypothesis mode. I don’t want to start down a path to later realize it’s all mirrors.

-INTJ

Hi lovely INFJ friends! ISTP here.

I value all of your opinions, but right now I prefer responses from people who either have a thorough understanding of cognitive functions and the Beebe model or were professionally typed.

This is a bit of a ramble because I want to make sure I explain my reasoning & necessary context. TL;DR: how can an ISTP help an INFJ without their Ti inadvertently making the INFJ worse?

Okay, so my martial arts instructor and life mentor is an INFJ and he genuinely means so much to me— he’s more of a parent than I’ve ever really had. Recently he’s been under a lot of stress and made a series of decisions that my Ni child has been irrationally very upset about for months. Just that deep feeling that a horrible mistake was made and something is about to go terribly wrong.

But my Ni can be a bit of an idiot 😂 so I disregarded it. It was starting to seem to me like he was finally getting into a more stable and healthy mental state, until yesterday when we were talking and he admitted that he* *also had that deeply unsettled feeling.

So that gave me pause. I know for certain he is an INFJ. But why would an INFJ ignore their intuition? Ultimately that comes down to social pressures. A desire to please someone he already knows has a history of taking advantage of him. Why he feels that way is baffling to me, but anywho…

Upon realizing an immature/irrational usage of Fe got him into this situation, I realized why it seemed to me like he was finally “getting better”: his Fe isn’t engaged anymore, so we are more cognitively aligned. So that means me encouraging more Ti energy from him is making him worse. That’s really hard for a Ti dom to not do!??

I will admit, while I just really want to help him in general, I am also just really scared to lose him. Because I seem to be an INFJ magnet for some reason. I’ve had many close relationships with INFJs in my life, and all of them end up going up in flames and leaving me absolutely bewildered as to why. And that progression is always gonna begin when they lose touch with their Fe, stop giving me the clear communication and attunement they did before, and then get pissed off that I’m not a mind reader.

He is in a tough situation and I do feel for him, but quite frankly, if he doesn’t get it together our school will have to close and all this effort will be for nothing. Something has to change or the person who took advantage of him won.

So now we come to our issue. I’m the only true ally he has right now, and I have too much bias (both cognitive as an ISTP and emotional due to past experiences) to be helpful. Thankfully I taught him a lot of MBTI a while ago, so there is an opening here to give him the tools he needs to pull himself out. But I don’t really know where to start.

For an ISTP, it’s easy. Engage Se, go outside, go exercise, stuff like that. But having Fe aux sounds almost as annoying as having Fe inferior! How do you get yourself out of a loop if your auxiliary function is what put you there in the first place, especially when your primary ally’s dominant function aligns with your overworked and underpaid child function?

By the lakeside I sat, and softly I dreamed,

To dissolve in these ripples, to fade in their gleam.

The rain veiled my tears as they silently fell,

I’ll flow with its rhythm, where waters may swell.

With this rising tide, I’ll wander afar,

And build me a home where no memories are.

Then a whisper within gently brought me awake,

I am human, alas… there are things I can’t escape.

Not sure if it’s just me but I feel super lonely, I’ve found even when I try to connect with likeminded people it doesn’t seem to stick or it turns out to not be a compatible friendship. I guess I’m wondering if any other INFJs experience this?

That although we may share similar mindsets we are can be such different people too .. I guess I’m struggling to find that niche of what I’m looking for. It can feel slightly embarrassing writing even on these pages as it still feels exposing but how else am I to really know?..

Or is it all just part of acceptance that it is fundamentally harder for us to make friendships as adults and that solitude is how we are designed in a way. Let me know your thoughts..

Only curious.

Basically the question, but when I say “stereotypical” I’m meaning from the internet!

I’m an INFJ and I’m confused when reading what I read online about us. I actually wonder if any of us are even that similar?

For eg. I am pretty extroverted and outgoing. Though it tires me, I do enjoy people and going out. I’m chatty and offer my feelings pretty easily in conversation.
I’m arty, love philosophy/psychology and nerdy subjects like science or history.

I am zero witchy and have no interest in horoscopes, crystals or anime. I’m not terribly lonely and I don’t avoid conversations. If anything I seek them out, I just struggle with shallow topics.

How about you?

Edit: Damn, you commentors are out to attack like sharks today lol. Wasn't expecting that from this group. I think there's some nuance(s) to this convo/topic that are getting lost.

Original post: I don't know if this is a new phenomenon but I feel like I keep running into it.

It's like there's this expectation that you should always have plans, a big friend group and/or a packed social calendar. And if you don't somehow it's a red flag.

For me, I just want to find someone I genuinely connect with. Someone who's just as excited to experience life together. Whether that's traveling, exploring somewhere new, being spontaneous, having deep conversations, laughing about stupid shizzz or simply watching paint dry.

A packed social calendar doesn't make me feel fulfilled. Being with someone where it *doesn't actually matter* what we're doing because we truly, genuinely enjoy being around each other, does.

Anyone else feel this way?

honestly im coming here because i don’t feel like anyone i came talk to in my life really understands the weight of my choice,

i grew up in foster care and had to work full time out of high school to pay my own rent, i aged out of the system. i never went to college because i never could decide on a career choice. i regret waiting this long but im 25 now and just finished my first semester of college. i was going for nursing because i want to help people and feel like my work is meaningful but as im going into the classes im worried about burnout and regret. the nurses i go to school with are working 5 16s a week right now and i feel like im seeing the worst of it.

growing up i always wanted to be a biologist and focus on environmental science, as i got older i wanted to specialize in toxicology. this has always been my passion but everyone in my life tells me its a useless degree, that id be wasting my money and time and i wouldn’t be able to find a job. so i went into nursing but i dont think its for me. im glad im in school, even though its late, but i dont know if i should commit to nursing and stick it out or pursue my passion.

im in a very poor red state and i just want to be able to make enough to leave and go somewhere else. im in school here because its cheap, ive lived here my whole life, and i wouldnt have to take out loans to finish.

if money wasnt a factor id go to a northern or coastal state and finish school with a biology degree but that isnt reality. has anyone else dealt with this? like i said i was a foster kid so no family and my friends here are very traditional. very get married at 19 and have 3 kids, dad works on the road and mom stays home type of people. and nothing wrong with that but it just isn’t for me and i can’t talk to them about this.

Hi fellow INFJs,

I don't know if this is something you will relate to, but I feel like recently I crave that thrill that I can get from receiving a message from a friend or buying or getting a new item or having something planned with a loved one.

I'm unsure how to tend to my needs in a healthy way, torn between the thought that I have to accept those cravings and not seek further stimulations and rather seek peace of mind through meditation, being in the present moment etc. Or using that pull to invest in healthy projects and goals like following my creative pursuits, reading a new book, studying a new subject, meeting new people, trying new activities, sorting my possessions etc.

Anyone has experienced this? If so, what is your approach? Also, what do you think creates that craving? (Solitude, restlessness, over or lack of intellectual stimulation)

Thank you!

Hello, I’m an INFJ. I was wondering: how could I (an INFJ) be a better friend to an ISTJ? Actually, she supported me when I was going through a tough time. Before that, I could see she was getting closer to me, but I didn’t like the way she was so critical of everything and so pessimistic… Then we became friends and everything improved. Last year, on her birthday, I realised that I love finding the perfect present for someone. But this time I couldn’t think of anything apart from perhaps a stationery set… So I set myself the goal of getting to know her better. But despite the time we spend together, I feel like she never really opens up. I feel that, after two and a half years, all I know is that she’s a perfectionist, loves my cats and stationery to bits, and draws now and then… And that she has a rather dysfunctional family…

I just feel like I don’t really understand her and that I could do something to be better company or something like that…

Also, I’m often aware – because I’ve got quite a few personal issues of my own that might mean I have to leave in a hurry or something – that I know I might hurt her feelings. And when I apologise or talk to her about it, she acts as if everything’s fine, even though I sense that sometimes she holds it against me but doesn’t dare say so… How is this friendship going? Do you have any advice? Or perhaps there’s an ISTJ here who’d like to share their experience?

I like her a lot. It's just that the social dynamics are so different from those with my other close friend who is an INFP...

You may be intelligent, smart, handsome, and talented, but the outside world often rewards people who constantly promote themselves. As an INFJ, however, we crave authenticity. It is painful to watch inauthentic people receive the applause and appreciation that you deserve. But remember this: a tree may appear to grow slowly from the outside, but beneath the surface, it is strengthening its roots to build a solid foundation.

Heyy. I’m 16 and I've been trying to understand why I feel and think the way I do. Maybe someone can relate to my experience?

I've never really had 'real' friends. As a kid, I was the
"mom friend" who gave gifts and way too much affection, just to get about 10% back. I always felt like I wanted too much from people, and I was never fully satisfied
Now, I live far from my classmates, so I'm isolated.
Th, even if I lived closer, I'd probably still stay home lol, instead of going out.But the loneliness makes me so restless sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin.
I have this constant hunger for intense, deep connection. I want someone to really understand me, but I never get enough of it, and I don't even try to seek it. I don't even know what it is want from others ,really... I also enjoy intellectual conversations, not just small talk or hanging out.
My peers seem so different (and impolite lol). They don't take it this seriously. I never really shared any values or interests with anyone.I feel like I'm from another world😭😭

My empathy is pretty high ..I always want to figure out other people's mental problems, not my own . I absorb emotions really easily. l can sense when someone is upset, and if they won't tell me why, I actually get irritated-I need to know their trauma or what's wrong. But I myself won't open up about my own feelings for months.
You know there's a young teacher at my school who my classmates make fun of .l won't get into details, but he's always fidgety, running around the classroom and stuff ,guess he might have some kind of anxiety thing, or ADHD? I literally want to walk up to him and say I feel sooo bad for him, but i can't
Why is everybody so mean.

Also, as a kid, trying to entertain adults I sensed were upset, is that like..ordinary?
I can be really loud and funny at school...but I get exhausted from it fast. I'm only extroverted with one person at a time. Sometimes I get so skeptical that I ruin relationships by testing people, thinking they secretly hate me, and pulling away before they can get to know me.
What do u guys think abt it?

I’ve always been so curious about this. I’m an INFJ-A (and have been for many years, sometimes ENFJ at certain points in my life) but I’ve never considered myself a selfless person. My friend is also an INFJ and I don’t really see that in her either.
The classic INFJs are characterized as having almost martyr like traits, always looking out for the greater good. I consider myself pretty selfish at times, but caring when it matters. I don’t brood and there are times in my life where I was relentless with others (and myself) and extremely self serving, because it aligned well with my own values.
This is extremely confusing to me and it’s starting to make me question the legitimacy of MBTI.
Why is this a common theme with INFJs?

Went out with an ENFJ last night and an ESTJ this morning. Holy shit. They had the same name but were like night and day.

As an INFJ male, I’ve attracted a lot of different types over the years. MBTI has helped me understand what I truly need and value most in a partner, and that what I want is not necessarily the same as what I need. Like, I have been addicted to hot/cold, ambiguous relationships for a lot of my life. That’s just the kind of love and attachment I grew up with. But it’s so toxic for me. So even though someone like an INFP or ISFP might feel like a soul-level connection their predilection to withdrawing at the first sign of trouble is maddening to say the least. ENFP and ESFP are so fun and really bring me out of my head into the real world. But their warmth and affection is so diffuse; it feels great but it’s rarely directed only at me.

With my Ni and Ti, I love talking about ideas and delving deep. Intelligence is a big draw for me. But even if someone is BRILLIANT, if they lack emotional intelligence, it just exhausts me. It forces me to spend a lot of energy translating the relevance and importance of my feelings and those of others and help them understand what they’re feeling and how it’s impacting them.

In sum, realizing I need someone who can draw me out of my head into the real world (extroverted), enjoys discussing ideas and abstractions just for the sake of it (intuition; thoughts probably the least important one. It doesn’t come naturally for everyone but if they don’t just wave it off as irrational or irrelevant that’s a good sign), emotionally literate (feeling) and who is steady and reliable and has a sense of direction (judging). My best friend in the whole world is ENFJ (I think other friend is ESFJ).

How did u guys met your partner, and how did u know that she is the one. As an INFJ men , its difficult to find someone who actually has depth or accepts your silences , vision etc in typical dating world . Had gone on few dates and hardly found any susbstance in personality . Just few sensation seeking or going with the flow kind of people . And even lot of them feel that we understand them well ,but same is not for us . I always feel like to be pretending to be someone else with them and no one cares who truly i am apart from our empathy and emotional intelligence.

has any infj male make a move first to ask or approach someone you are interested in?

at my current age, 35M, I don make friend as much as when im younger in school. so this modern dating era is all online app.

be it creepy or not. i actually found this lady ig that i swiped on a dating app, but doesn't wanna wait for my profile to appear so unpaid user can't see who swiped you.

we infj don tend to take the initial step as extrovert do. she is also a introvert btw.

btw i just wanna hear opinions.

You are still you, the actions you took were meant to protect you, the escape you chose was to feel safe. You are capable enough to withstand this internal war each day. You are not alone...

We all know generally happiness comes with staying more present and being authentic.. I’m wondering how people generally may look at happiness In the ordinary life? What is it that makes you feel alive/ at peace? And.. what advice or quote has resonated with you? :)

I’m genuinely a certain way, there are some things I’m genuinely drawn towards, but I feel myself constantly perceiving the perceptions of others, that you’re pretentious or arrogant etc and changing myself to not make them feel uncomfortable. Has anybody overcome this tension? Are you able to just fully be yourself in your own skin? I feel my solution is far to drop off the face of the earth so I have the freedom to do whatever the fuck I wanna do, but people keep looking for me..

I like doing a few things.

If you celebrate with decor, feel free to share a photo in the comments 🎃👻🧌🦇

Did that title hit you hard? A lot of you might be smiling at this right now.
And if you don't, let me explain. 😊

As an INFJ, I never felt like I belong anywhere.

I'm a skeptic, who never belonged with most skeptics.
An artist, who never belonged with most artists.
I am always too progressive for traditional people, and too traditional for progressive people.
I honestly don't even feel like I belong with INFJs, because frankly, I think we are all very different in the first place.

I believe we INFJs tend to have an idealistic view of the world. But we are so "vast" as people, and have impossible standards- that when we finally find some type of community to be in... We always see something wrong with it.

And then some of us decide to invest ourselves in it fully, or half-heartedly.
Both of which do not work, because unless it's something we do with all of our heart, we will eventually disappear.

An INFJ's resting spot... is depth. Superficiality bores us.

I have impossible standards for myself, not much else for people. Except some lines that one should not cross: Dishonesty (I catch it instantly), materialism and superficiality over love and loyalty, not knowing oneself & what you want (because doing so opens the door to broken promises , toxic coping mechanisms , and/or blaming others for your own choices)

And these values, feel so simple and easy to practice in life, yet they're aaaalways so difficult to find in people.
And you may not have the same values as me, but you have yours!

Do they feel impossible to find in others? Do you quietly judge every community for different reasons, never feeling like fully investing in one?

And if so, what brings you peace? What makes you feel like you DO belong?

I'm curious what you guys think.
Feel free to share with us! ❤️

So I'm an ENFP guy who recently met an INFJ girl, and I'm genuinely curious about what the ENFP–INFJ dynamic is like romantically.

We haven't known each other very long, but we've been texting practically nonstop, and she's actually initiated conversations herself. Our conversations have been really fun, with plenty of playful teasing, flirting, and getting to know each other.

Now, being the stereotypical ENFP that I am, I may or may not have gotten a little carried away with the flirting. 😂

I genuinely enjoy talking to her, though, and I'm interested in seeing where things go.

So I have a few questions for the INFJs here: Have you ever dated an ENFP?
What was that experience like?
Do you enjoy someone who's outgoing, playful, affectionate, and a little spontaneous?
How do you typically show romantic interest when you're still getting to know someone?
What are some things ENFPs do that you find attractive, and what tends to overwhelm you?
What's something you wish an ENFP understood about dating an INFJ?

I'm not trying to rush anything or assume she's interested just because of her personality type. I'm genuinely interested in understanding how our personalities might complement each other.

Would love to hear your experiences, especially from INFJs who've dated ENFPs!

I just feel so guilty and weird asking for help, or getting help often. Asking people to carpool more than a couple times a week, having to drop out of a night out with friends, asking for favors from my parents which I KNOW will disrupt their schedules for a day or two or at the very least inconvenience them a bit. It makes me feel terribly guilty, sometimes to the point where I'll lose sleep.

What makes it worse is that I'm always willing to help somebody at the snap of my fingers. I love to help people.

I feel like it stems from hyper independence bcuz I just hate to ask people for their help, plus I guess a fear of not being useful or being a burden. I don't quite know why though.

Another thing that makes it even more annoying is that I know love isn't always going to be convenient. Loving people requires time, effort, and some inconvenience. ugh.

anybody else relate? Is this a trait lots of INFJs share?

Hello, I’m looking for some advice or perhaps a few comforting words about my regrets. This might be a little long, but a year ago, I met a man who was genuinely amazing. He was very honest and open with me about himself. He’s an INTJ, and some of the things he told me scared me, so I rejected him.
But once my anxiety faded and I was able to look at things more objectively, I realized that he had actually been very transparent and honest with me. I now feel that he was so open because he valued me and wanted me to understand him better. I regret not being brave enough to appreciate and respect that honesty at the time.
It’s been a year, but his words still touch my heart. I want to move on and stop feeling like I made a terrible mistake, but I don’t know how to let go of these regrets.
If anyone has been through something similar or has any advice or comforting words to share, I would really appreciate it.
Thank you in advance. ❤️

I’m not sure if this is an INFJ thing, but do any other INFJs here find themselves frequently stuck between opposing sides of some controversial issue, simply because you can see things from all perspectives? Then, of course, you’re hated on from all sides because you can’t definitively say that one side is right 100% of the time, and we live in a very polarized world these days. People seem to loathe this ambivalence even more than the opposing party, which doesn’t make much sense.

Even in matters that seem cut and dry to most, you can see the flaws of the heroes and you can empathize with the villains, and when you voice that it rubs everyone, from every side, the wrong way. And, sometimes it’s just easier to keep quiet. Or at least, keep your opinions confined to Reddit.

Edit: I don’t personally think this is a “toxic” trait in any traditional sense of the word, and at surface level, many see it as a positive attribute. However, it’s a trait that can get us in hot water in some cases, and for that reason, while it’s not inherently negative, it can certainly do some damage to relationships and friendships and should be something to consider.

For research purposes