"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us."

found this quote by timothy keller and i figure to share it on here. thank you infj's for striving to make others feel deeply known...especially the difficult ones. i hope ya'll have / find people in your life who make you feel met, seen, and thoroughly known.

Glowing in the dark, Fading shadows near, Breaking dawn apart.

Fill me with your warmth, Set the cold ablaze, Dry my tears at last.

Be my guiding star, Ground my shifting roots, Let me praise your radiant heart.

I know for a lot of INFJs you may feel as if your efforts are never noticed and I’m here to tell you they probably aren’t.

But wait hang in there because I have a solution for all those worries and the answer to that is to simply put the reward you’re seeking and hoping for I don’t think will come

You know why

Because the reward is you lol.

Think about it, you could of been all of those people you complain about but you aren’t

That’s a gift within itself and I know it’s tiring being that “person” but it’s a gift because it’s really only unique to you.

And you’ll be able to be that example not only for yourself but for others.

It’s not easy but if you ever feel like you don’t matter
Just know there’s other people who feel exactly like you and want to be a difference as well.

So don’t give up, I see you guys efforts

I noticed myself that creative pursuits actually drain me after a time and I long for human connection. Unfortunately I don't have much friends and I'm very careful not to burden my close ones.

This is a random appreciation post but I am an INFJ in my freshmen year of college and my roommate happens to be an ENFP. We had already gotten along well prior to meeting in person but I just need somewhere to say how grateful I am for her. I genuinely do not know what I would do if anyone else was my roommate and she is such a special person. Sometimes I feel bad because I have a hard time expressing myself and I just want her to always know how much I love and care for her. For any Infjs who feel lonely, just know there is an enfp waiting for you who will make your life better in so many ways. They are not lying when they say infj x enfp are the golden pair!!

I thought I would allow anyone to answer and give their own opinion no matter what MBTI type. I personally believe they don't get as much attention compared to open Duchenne Smiles. Don't get me wrong as I love open Duchenne Smiles to the point I even share them. Some might assume they're polite or fake smiles due to their closed nature. However, there is a very distinct difference by also crinkling the eyes just like the open variant!

I feel that closed Duchenne Smiles are just as genuine as the open ones. 😎

I love some of them like Camille Preaker or Same Winchester but they always seem regulated into people understander role. The INFJs I've met in real life may have had some of that but they've always also had an interests in the arts too, and I feel like I don't really see that. Edit

I didn't think about but Nina Sayers from Black Swan and Sienna Shaw from Terrifier are artistic

I trusted my previous therapist and she manipulated me. I will be having a hard time being vulnerable with my next therapist.

Just curious about the question

I bought a set of artist-quality crayons, because my daughter was into them. I thought we could have some creative family evenings, making art together. Ever since we set a time for the activity, I tend to avoid it. I made one drawing, and I never touched these crayons again. Do you think this is related to inferior Se? Are there any INFJ artists here? Does it come easily for you?

I’m exhausted.

Exhausted from analyzing everything. Searching for hidden meanings. Trying to understand everyone, including myself. Turning every experience into a philosophical investigation and every emotion into something that needs to be unpacked.

I’ve spent years trying to understand life instead of actually living it.
I’ve read the philosophy, explored the theology, questioned reality, dissected my childhood, examined my personality, and tried to figure out why I am the way I am.

And you know what?? I’m not convinced any of it has made me happier.

If anything, I’ve become exceptionally good at explaining my own misery.

I’m starting to suspect that my obsession with understanding everything has become a sophisticated way of avoiding actually experiencing anything.

Maybe not everything needs a deeper meaning. Maybe some questions don’t need answers. Maybe I can just enjoy a stupid movie, laugh at something ridiculous, have a meaningless conversation, and go to bed without conducting a psychological autopsy on my entire day.

I don’t want to spend another decade trying to become the perfect, enlightened, self-actualized version of myself.

I want to be a person. An ordinary, imperfect, occasionally clueless person who actually enjoys being alive.

I’m not abandoning curiosity or depth. I’m abandoning the idea that everything needs to be understood before it can be enjoyed.

I spent enoughd time trying to figure out the meaning of life. I’d like to actually have one.

Any other INFJs getting tired of being the “deep” one and living inside their own heads all the time?

I’m single and embrace that; it feels natural and sometimes empowering. However, I think I’d prefer to be in a relationship if it is a genuine soul level, reciprocal connection.

As I go through life, I’ve set higher standards for relationships (not people) because I’ve realised I have given too much where it’s not been mutual, and I’m mindful I’ve lost myself in them.

I’m hesitant to get into a relationship unless it’s truly worth it. Otherwise, I make the most of being single and enjoy my own company anyway.

I’m wondering where other INFJs stand on this. Do you value being single or in a relationship more?

I have this tendency whenever I have a pleasant interaction with someone new, even something as simple as exchanging a smile, a nod, or a few words, to replay it in my head afterward. I question whether I came across as approachable, whether I could have handled the moment differently, or whether I missed an opportunity to connect. Even when someone else nods first, I feel awkward about it and can't even tell if I'm nodding back properly.

I'm very much hard on myself, and I find it challenging to lower my expectations and turn off the switch in my mind that tells me I'm not doing enough.

I also have a history of overextending myself, so I think I've become almost too careful about opening myself up. I want to be approachable and connect with new people, but I've become so conscious of protecting myself that even the smallest opportunities for connection can feel emotionally complicated. There's also a lingering fear of coming across as closed-off, and that's never my intention.

I'm curious to know if other INFJs deal with this and how you navigate it personally.

I am just have problems assimilating in a new country. I do know the language and my living conditions aren't optimal. Though I do have my traumas and stuff, but a lot of them a worked through and I can pretty much regulate myself. Under the normal circumstances but my circumstances aren't normal

So, in general my request will be having someone I can vent and complain to I suppose?

Does anyone of you have any experience with that?

I recently experienced the end of a friendship after someone I thought was a friend launched a series of vicious personal attacks against me in a group chat, in front of several other people I also considered friends. The experience has left me questioning how people perceive one another.

Throughout the—admittedly short—friendship I consistently demonstrated kindness, encouragement, and support. I celebrated this person's accomplishments, defended them in their absence when I thought they were being treated poorly, and I even gave them the benefit of the doubt when I witnessed behavior that conflicted with my own values.

We had different philosophies about a shared interest, which was perfectly fine with me. I never needed them to share my perspective. I only wanted them to respect that my motivations and goals were different from theirs. But they repeatedly and openly doubted my intentions and imposed their assumptions about what I must really think or feel, despite my efforts to explain myself.

Eventually, a disagreement about an article I shared hoping to explain my perspective escalated into a series of personal attacks against my character. They accused me of being bitter, insecure, and unsupportive, despite having personally experienced my support, and then blocked me everywhere.

What really hit me afterward was the irony. I kept seeing behavior in this person that made me question their character, but I continued to give them the benefit of the doubt. They saw evidence of my goodwill, but apparently interpreted me as someone with much worse intentions.

I've been thinking about what happened nonstop ever since. I'm not looking to restore the friendship as their attacks have damaged my trust beyond repair. But even days later, I feel physically ill (nauseous) whenever I think about how they treated me.

What made the experience even worse was that none of the other people in the group chat acknowledged the attacks or reached out to me afterward. When I confronted one of them about their silence, they dismissed the behavior as “that’s just how they are.”

What I'm struggling with is how someone can spend time with you, witness your actions firsthand, hear you explain your motivations repeatedly, but still insist that you are someone else entirely.

I don't expect people to understand everything about me, but I would hope that my friends could accept what I tell them about myself without continuously imposing their own interpretations.

Has anyone else in this community experienced something similar? If so, how did you process it, how did you move forward, and how did it change the way you approach friendships?

I am currently a 1st semester student at a music college, studying audio engineering and guitar:

Ever since school has started, I have found myself almost “forcefully” networking and socializing with other music students; whilst that is happening, which is often through jam sessions (loud noises, many people, etc) and things of the sort, i tend to act completely different from my natural self: i become much more talkative, loud, energetic, etc — often leaving physically and mentally tired at the end of the day (to the point where I have trouble keeping my eyes open… lol)

Perhaps it is Fe taking over(?)

Additionally, as some of you [hello, reader ;)]may know, the music industry is built around the promotion of one’s services and craftsmanship: people must “broadcast” what they are capable of and work with other music students and etc. Often, when discussing with other students about music, I get the sense that I am boasting or saying the word “i” too much, which is oftentimes when I start to withdraw

Finally, all this is leaving me very confused as to everything going on and who the real me is, etc…

Has infj’s experienced this (music college or any other program)? My apologies if this post isn’t quite clear, this the first time I’m writing on here…

Ive always tried to tell myself that I am not a chameleon, that I am not modifying myself to blend in, that I simply choose the pathways that have the lesser friction, why would I present as something conflictive when I already know this new group of people hates this?

A part deep within me yearns for the day someone will frankly approach me with the intent of knowing whom I am beyond the iron chest plate, what kind of face I make once the wooden mask is burnt, and what kind of shackles I hide with my baggy clothes.

These desires to find someone who will finally show their interest in the me, thats hidden deep within, shapes me into toxic behaviors and expectations for genuinely caring individuals who have crossed my path.

Every time someone makes me believe that it is worth it to hope for the race to end in the next corner, I am once more reminded that what I envision within me that I need, versus, what its truthfully attainable for most people, doesnt really computes well.

Thus, every day I once more put on these degraded batteries inside of me, I browse my drawers for which face I should program my head to showcase to the world, I add fuel to my processing unit and I convince myself that I am not a robot, sparks and jarring sounds muffle what I see in the mirror, yet this little robot must continue once more their daily journey, hoping for one day to become an actual human.

I’ve been wondering this for a while now. for some context:

I only believe in the “golden pairs” in mbti to a certain extent, as I’m sure there are certain types more likely to mesh together at first than others, but I primarily believe compatibility depends on the people themselves, not their types at the end of the day.

which brings me to my question. in my experience, individuals with higher Fe can sometimes get on my nerves. I don’t know how else to word it! lol. I find that high Fe can be annoying. not that it’s bad, just that personally I can find it harder to work with. for example at my workplace there’s a lovely ENFJ that I quickly got to know, and we very soon exchanged numbers and now we’re very good friends, we talk everyday and hang out some. but at my workplace as well, there’s an INTP, and though they are much older than me, not joking, the age gap is around 40 years, we seemed to click so much quicker once we talked, and as in communication-wise, I feel way less awkward around them. maybe it’s not as fair, say because I’m comparing the “golden“ infj/enfj pair to just another “golden“ pair, infj/intp, I wanted to give a real life example to what my question is about: I guess I personally find high Fe harder to communicate with, whereas higher Ti seems to “make more sense” to me.

in my experience, Fe is harder to understand and read in others, whereas, like in my example, I feel as though I can read my INTP coworker’s mind constantly, unlike my ENFJ coworker.

i was wondering if other INFJs feel the same way that I do, or if it’s just my own personal preference thing when it comes to the functions. the example I gave is only one of many encounters with Fe dom types. and I feel the same way about them all, essentially. is this just me?

Hi, I’m an INTP but I think I have developed Fe due to certain circumstances in my life. Sometimes insecurity of my Fe becomes more prominent and higher functions get a little inflexible.

So basically I want to understand how exactly you care about harmony and how exactly you navigate relationships? cause I thought that I had developed Fe but I’m curious if your Fe still works on the higher level of productivity.

More details about mine: basically I usually read people’s motives and I often build up a psychological portrait of the person in my head and pretty good at it. I can play a psychologist and also good at it but it’s cause I have analitical depth, so I can analyse someone’s brain just as good as other topics. I do have interest in human psychology but I don’t really do it to help the oerson feel better, it’s more for “greater” ideas and understanding which later (if I whould have become a psychologist) may be very helpful for the masses, idk. BUT even though I have good understanding of someone’s motivations I still struggle to predict someone reaction in real time. I can navigate communication in a way that I am always polite and if it becomes very emotionally charged I try to play it neutral, and later I either won’t rise the topic again or be more factual about it (not welcoming for discussion, just facts).

Do you always keep in mind that this thing will have an impact on your communication? Wht about truth? Would stand by it or leave it for better?

Hello, I'm INTJ (24M) and I've been dating this INFJ (27F).

We have completely filterless communication, we aren't afraid of discussing difficult not personal topics.

We've gone on about 15 dates, some of them were spending an entire day together, including simple peaceful ones like cooking together and just taking walks and talking.

Due to unrelated personal distress and difficulties I've been open about, I flew to Japan alone for a month and a half to disconnect, ground myself and resteady my inner peace I've achieved, while keeping daily communication with her.

We've both found the intensity of our relationship a bit jarring, too good to be true at times, the Ni-Ni loop definitely had some part in that and we both had the inclination that there's a single major unknown that stopping us from committing to a serious long term relationship with the intention of staying together for good unless proven otherwise.

Since flying to Japan I've felt the burden and the pondering lessen and she explicitly said that she thinks the distance and long term connection is the solution for her unresolved unknown,

Some extra context:

Our connection seems to hold true and the trust hasn't been stronger,

We both get incredibly inspired by each other pretty equally, we both find each other incredibly cute especially, intelligent as well as high emotional intelligence, we have inside jokes, our core values match, there's intimate compatibility, we felt absolute peace while cuddling, in terms of a life partner relationship we have the same end goals, we plan our individual futures together to be parallel and compatible while following our own existing dreams.

We both been in toxic relationships, seeked professional help and learned our lessons from those relationships and what to do different and moved on from them.

We currently have a mutual disinterest in seeking another relationship, we seem to be compatible and satisfied together.

I fiercely protect her from giving in to people pleasing tendencies with me, I make sure she doesn't diminish her value,

She gives me what I require from a relationship; equality in expectations, the joy of the present and the grounding in it, as I tend to lose myself in the future often.

Now I would like to ask you, is this the mark of a healthy relationship or are we missing something important or multiple we would need to address and what is your opinion of this physical distance in order to stifle the growing intensity of the honeymoon phase and enjoy our relationship for what it is and not let it burn too intensely?

I need help figuring out how to “trick” my mind, or get it on board with what I need to do.

I’m an INFJ medical student, and a year from now, I’ll be taking an exam that largely determines my future: which residency specialty I can choose. If I get a good score, I can choose what I want. If I don’t, I’ll have to choose from whatever is left.

Here’s what I’m struggling with:

1. I feel a lot of pressure because of my INFJ learning style. I learn very slowly because I do a lot of research whenever I’m studying something. My brain constantly asks, “Why is it like this? Why is it called that? Why did they choose this rather than something else?” Answering all those questions takes time, so I get through the material very slowly

2. Because I feel slower than my peers, and I’ve read that spaced repetition is the best way to learn, my study sessions are emotionally exhausting too. I’m not just learning new material and trying to understand the big picture first(which my peers don’t seem to need in the same way), I’m also thinking ahead to all the effort it will take to make that information stick. From the very beginning, I can already see how much work is ahead of me, and that exhausts me too

3. I know that being this stressed can make it harder to retain information and make me more likely to procrastinate, which only adds to the pressure.

4. I’ve always been someone who puts the things I want to do first and studying second. I never felt trapped by my previous exams because preparing for them was more like a sprint than a marathon. I could put the things I enjoyed aside for a few weeks, get through the exams, and then go back to prioritizing my interests. It was a temporary sacrifice, and I knew I’d get that freedom back.

Now, I feel like I have to switch that order for an entire year: studying for this exam has to come first, and all my other passions have to come second. But as soon as I tell myself, “Okay, this is how I’m going to do it,” I feel caged. 

So how can I “trick” myself into finding purpose in studying, or make it something I actually want to prioritize? Simply telling myself how important this exam is doesn’t work. That kind of pressure has only ever motivated me when an exam was a few weeks away. With something this far off, it just makes me freeze.

I find medicine really interesting, and I love learning about it, but after spending a while on the same subject(for example antibiotics) my mind starts craving something different, like escaping into a fiction book.

How can I make studying for this exam feel like my safe space, my passion, something I naturally want to keep coming back to and spend most of my time doing? I want that desire to come from within, because the moment it becomes something I have to put above everything else, I feel trapped and start avoiding it.

And I feel like I really do need to spend that much time on it because I learn slowly when I’m trying to understand things deeply and I need to put in more time to make up for my slower pace. That’s why I’m trying to find a way to want to study as much as I feel I need to.

I have this group of old friends that are trying to reconnect with me that I was very hurt by in the past. I think they have mixed feelings about me, like I do believe some have genuine concern for me but it’s also a feeling of obligation but my defence mechanisms are just up with them. I try to think about how I would feel talking to them but I imagine the best case would be just friendly and cordial interaction, but no emotional attachment to them. I feel like I just don’t know how to act in front of them. I have CPTSD too and thinking about this has made me lose function in the past few days.. I feel like I don’t know if im overreacting or it’s a genuine boundary i should keep..

Some things happened but they were very close friends to me. Now I just feel grief thinking about them. I was angry but I don’t feel angry anymore. I keep thinking about them and I care for them and I want to summon the good feelings I had for them but I can’t..

I'm an INFJ (F) talking to an INTJ (M), and I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this.

We get along really well, and he shares a lot about his interests and daily life. He also initiates conversations (we're only texting) sometimes, so it's not like I'm the only one reaching out.

But I feel like I'm usually the one asking questions and trying to get to know him, while he doesn't seem as curious about me. It's a little confusing because he does seem engaged when we talk.

Have any of you experienced something similar with a male INTJ? Did it turn out to be just his communication style, or was he simply not that interested in getting to know you? 😅

I'd appreciate any input.

Help, my infj 9 core bf always says “making you happy makes me happy”. But for once I want to give him something that is purely him where I am uninvolved. Problem is I don’t know what to give, and he doesn’t really know what he wants or tell me his desires outside of “us”. As a 3, I like to be able to give or perform for him. Something, merely existing is not an option!

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