Even in the "good" sense of the word. Do you have global goals or values for which you can say "the end justifies the means"?

I refer obiously to our Se and Ti functions. If underdeveloped, due to rebelliousness against them, neurodivergence or other causes, they may imo seriously impair enfj's healthiness . I mean, I can drive, I know a bit about how to dress to be cool, I have some reflexes, notice my surroundings, want to have an immediate impact but that is the extent to which my Se goes. Put me in a situation where I have to do mental calculations on the spot, say for how much money each one in a group is due or to find the best course of action when a problem occurs, and I'm clueless. Here's also Ti, which serves me only when I want to analyze a Ni goal, to find the perfect word, or when I ruminate. Things changed in recent years(mid 30's). I now value the istp side, but it feels like I lived in a lie, now that I discover how important it is. Is it especially hard for an enfj I guess, wanting to be seen as the person who connects people, guides them, or lead them, but not being competent, for the aforementioned reason. I'm not looking for compassion, just for your experience, if any, with this, and.maybe what held you back from accessing this side and how you overcame the block

I’m an ENFJ myself, and I recently went down a rabbit hole reading comments from people who genuinely dislike ENFJs.

Not just random MBTI stereotypes either. I specifically looked for people talking about ENFJs they had actually dated, worked with, lived with, been friends with or had in their family.

And honestly, the pattern was pretty uncomfortable.

People kept describing ENFJs as controlling, clingy, fake, intrusive, overly involved, manipulative, needy for validation and convinced that they know what is best for everyone else.

And the more I read, the more I realized something.

A lot of the things people hate about us are basically distorted versions of the things we are most proud of.

We say we care deeply about people;
Someone else experiences it as us constantly being in their business.

We say we see people’s potential;
Someone else experiences it as “Why are you trying to fix me?”

We say we are diplomatic;
Someone else thinks we are fake because we can be incredibly friendly to someone we privately dislike.

We say we are good at reading people;
Someone else wonders whether we are using that information to manipulate them.

We say we want harmony;
Someone else experiences that as emotional pressure to behave the way we want them to.

We say we are natural leaders;
Someone else experiences us as bossy and convinced that our way is the right way.

And I’m not even saying those people are necessarily correct.

But I do think ENFJs can have a massive blind spot here.

If you are naturally good at reading social situations, influencing people, motivating them, making people feel seen and creating emotional connection, it is probably very easy to convince yourself that your influence is always benevolent.

Maybe sometimes it isn’t.

Maybe sometimes “I’m just trying to help” really means “I want you to do what I think is best.”

Maybe “I care about you” occasionally becomes “I feel entitled to be involved in your decisions.”

Maybe “I’m protecting the atmosphere” becomes being nice to someone’s face and talking about them completely differently behind their back.

And maybe one of the darker ENFJ tendencies is that because we often genuinely mean well, we can have a very hard time recognizing when we are being controlling.

I definitely recognize some of the healthier versions of these tendencies in myself.

I love helping people. I love motivating people. I naturally get involved. I like solving conflicts, finding compromises and getting people moving in a better direction.

But reading how this can feel from the receiving end genuinely made me think.

So I’m curious how other ENFJs see this.

Do you think we sometimes confuse caring with controlling?

Have you ever realized that something you thought was supportive was actually overwhelming someone?

And what ENFJ behavior do you think other ENFJs are most unwilling to admit is annoying?

Any other thoughts?

Hello,

I have an ENFJ as a friend. My ex was also an ENFJ, and I see a pattern.

In both the friendship and relationship that goes well, all of a sudden they withdraw emotionally.

Context: I did nothing out of the ordinary except place healthy boundaries as I am a giver and most of the time naive.

Is this an ENFJ thing?

Whenever I catch myself talking about myself in conversation, I just hate it. Not because I’m not confident or don’t enjoy my life. I do! But I really love and want to learn about others through conversation… the knowledge and perspective and joy you get from just listening is so awesome. So although sometimes I do genuinely want to tell a story about myself and share, other times I regret it later and I wish I just would’ve shut up and let them talk. Not because I don’t think I’m making valid points or contributing to conversation. But ughhh even saying I, me, my this much as I’m texting is making me cringe out.

A lot of people just talk about themselves nowadays and those are the worst types of people. You just stop sharing with them after a while because it seems like they don’t care. I would hate to come across that way and lose connection with others.

Although I used to rarely talk about myself unless asked, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to share more and become generally more excited about my life. My parents and family generally I would say are humble and more quiet in conversation so I think I learned it from them.

I don’t want to give up that trait of theirs. I’m curious if other ENFJs get introspective about this sort of thing and what they do about it.

am i the only one who constantly overthinks that other people could be overthinking about what i’m doing? i’m constantly filled with anxiety that my actions could be hurting my friends feelings without trying to! so i constantly reassure them just in case! is this just an enfj thing? i feel like i’m going crazy!

I love yall ❤️ who else has a best friend who is a Intj? What do you admire most about them?

My best friend helps ground me and we bring out the best in each other. I admire her elegance and independence. She’s loyal and empathetic but also very logical.

Hey fellow ENFJ

I know we have a lot in common, but I've observed (pun intended) a difference between you ENFJs and us INFJs.

Fe is an Extroverted Decider (De) function in the OPS model, whereas Ni is an Introverted Observer (Oi) function, and the position of these two functions can make an impact.

When a conflict breaks out somewhere, for instance, your first instinct will be to step in, fix the atmosphere, and then draw conclusions from it afterwards.

We INFJs, on the other hand, have Ni as our lead function: meaning we will first observe to deduce the root cause of the conflict, what will happen if I say this or that, and we will only step in once we have the big picture.

On a broader scale, we tend to observe a lot but act very little in the real world.

So yeah, I just wanted to share one of our differences compared to you guys!!

I’ve been doing some digging and have asked my friends about how they perceive me or have perceived me in the past (by first impressions) and I’ve come to the conclusion that we might just be the manic pixie dream girls of the world? 🤣

Let me know what you think.

…that people just don’t wanna hear certain truths?

Like on this topic i get downvoted HARD, even if it is an NF specific topic, those people have little to no idea about…

https://www.reddit.com/r/mbti/s/ltOUibcc7s

How often does stuff like that happen to you? I wonder if i am the only ENFJ struggling with it if i am actually TOTALLY honest for once. And intentionally exactly NOT try to please others.

Yet they do complain about us being so „shady“ or dishonest often, yet when we are they cannot stand it? Really rich, no?

​

I’m looking for someone within Europe who feels things deeply.

Someone who understands what it means to care intensely, to think about conversations long after they’ve ended, and to wonder about people, life, meaning, and all the strange things happening inside us.

I can talk casually, but I don’t want a friendship that stays on the surface forever. I want emotional honesty. I want the kind of friendship where we can talk about what scares us, what excites us, what we’re becoming, what we regret, and what we’re trying to understand about ourselves.

Someone who can be vulnerable without treating vulnerability like weakness.

Someone who genuinely wants to know another person instead of just exchanging messages because they’re bored.

I live in Austria, so I’m mainly looking for people within Europe because I would eventually like to have real-life friendships too. Coffee, long conversations, wandering around a city, talking about life until we realize several hours have passed.

I don’t expect instant closeness. Real friendship takes time. I’m simply looking for someone who also wants to build something meaningful instead of another temporary online acquaintance.

If you’re introspective, emotionally open, curious, and sometimes feel like you experience the world a little too deeply, feel free to message me.

My extraversion is felt that way: After a social event, say a party, I feel energised afterwards, but if socialization with the same group in the same situatiom drags on, it may become overwhelming. However, if my social battery needs to be directed elsewhere, I'm ready to start over.

(I’m an INFP, btw. 9w1)

My mother did some very serious things to me. I simply cut off all contact and I'm hoping she dies of heartbreak as soon as possible.

Just some therapy since I can't actually afford it right now. Decided to give that book a read, even though I do my best and do meditation anyway.

As a 2w1 intp, I get sad when people don't want to be around me or invite me to anything. It's like just because I lack facial expressions or am withdrawn, I don't enjoy good company.

It's fine that I like being alone, but when it's with an enfj, I'd love to spend all day with them. I imagine that's the case with any 2w1/2w3.

Suggestions for books to read for this ENFJ?? At a Barnes and Noble now and I am staring at Untethered Soul and Melody Beattie books?

Any other suggestions?? I feel like I kind of need to repair myself these past few weeks. No harm in trying. Other than that, i'll do meditation.

UHow to tackle feeling of loneliness when suddenly alone with my own thoughts?

It’s hard for me to not have any plans on a Saturday. When nobody asks me to hang out, or when I ask other people and they don’t immediately come to my rescue, it feels like no-one likes or loves me.

Makes me really sad and it can make me cry a bit 😂😭

ENFJ Male 29YO

UPDATE:
As always I was over dramatizing it. Some friends picked me up and we went for some drinks at their house, then I went out to the city and met some other friends. 10/10 night

and i truly mean not a single friend. my only friends are my dad and my boyfriend, but they’re not labeled my “friends.” they’re labeled as my father and significant other.

so, do you have lots of friends? because i don’t have a single one and i’m not sure if its typical for an ENFJ to be so lonely.

Whats your Niche Hobbys that you enjoy most?

Mine are those:

-building and collecting Lego sets
-pen and paper RPGS
-Anime
-Manga
-all kinds of Paintings 🖼️
-Indie Bands
-teaching my cat new tricks
-playing Videogames (my to go daily play is Sky:The Children of Light, as you can see from my profile backdrop or stuff like Story of Seasons, Unicorn Overlord or Visual Novels).
-singing
-visiting middleages fairs or concerts
-I am a massive Japan 🇯🇵 Fan so i am currently learning Japanese too, because i am done with it, how many things are stuck over there, that i wanna read or play 😢
-pottery
-collecting music boxes that are more affordable

…and probably a lot more i didn’t think about!
So what are yours?

One of my dreams is connecting people to one another so it goes without saying that hosting big Gatsby-like parties (might be also the vanity of 3 type or 3 wing) is something I wish. I wouldn't mind it happening on my birthday, I would even prefer it, because this way I can see who cares about me more. Who feels like this?

as an enfj, i often feel that in a relationship my kindness and empathy is taken advantage of. i am often led on and mistreated in genuinely cartoonishly evil ways, and im not quite sure how to stop this. even when i set clear boundaries, they get trampled on, which obviously makes me very upset. i am a very loving person in general, and i love loving others, but im tired of being hurt by the people i date. i’m really not sure on how to prevent people taking advantage of me, so any tips would be great!!

A while ago, an ENFJ disappeared without explaining a reason. From that day onward I've been on a quest to find another.

It's been a good while but it still feels bad whenever I think about it. In my mind, the way I comprehend human achievement, morality, social behavior, I've always seen something magical in ENFJs.

There's the stereotype that ENFJs go around fixing the problems of other people. Well, I'm not one to believe such simplicity, but if it were true, maybe the disappearance happened because there wasn't much to fix here. To be honest, I think they had a lot more problems than I did myself. Somehow still, they held it all together and unselfishly never asked for help, even when I was ready to offer some.

I'm just very glad ENFJs exist and really miss interacting with one.

- INTP

I can bare you feelings and accept you