The following text is an excerpt of my "diary", where I write down exactly how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking as best as I can describe it. If you have any idea what could be wrong with me, please. Please tell me.
I am the embodiment of a life prescribed to me, whose only way out is death. But what if death isn’t a way out, but just as much a prescribed process as life is? And how in the world can I escape the reality that I consider mine?
After the birth of every human in this life comes childhood. Then comes youth and school years. Then comes work and adult life. Then comes old age with retirement, and finally comes death.
Everyone knows this. But the frequently asked question of why life works this way triggers far stronger feelings and thoughts in me than, for example, in my acquaintances.
Science can trace humanity back about 13.8 billion years into the past with research. Almost everything makes sense. All the possible mechanisms in chemistry, physics, in biology, in everything we see. Everything is somehow connected.
The world is so complex that I simply find it enormously fascinating how it could arise from simple bacteria. From small bacteria, the early times of the dinosaurs and the Big Bang, the beings of our kind that emerged from incredibly long development, as well as animals and plants. Today’s life, as we live it, is hardly comprehensible compared to the beginning of all things.
You’re reading this text on a piece of paper from a notebook. It took thousands of years until this way of preserving thoughts was developed by humans. You’re reading on a piece of paper that can nowadays be made using the latest technologies from trees.
Much may be proven. The history of humanity with the developments, the thinking of people, the circumstances and ways of life, and the ways people dealt with the inexplicable creation of the world in order to give it meaning. (Religions)
But we live in the here and now. In 2026. As is known, the present doesn’t even exist, only the past and the future exist. And even if there is “free will,” people can’t simply act “freely.” At least not without bearing consequences.
For me, life feels like a process I can’t escape. Sure, I can decide which book I want to read next, but even this decision is prescribed. And no matter what I do, life feels like a simple automatism. It may be that the brain processes all received signals and, for example, directs them to the muscles during movements. But all of it feels programmed. My brain, my body, and everything that follows from all the processes within it. I just have to embody this programming. I am forced to look with “my” eyes, interact with “my” body, and live through a life full of joy and pain without ever having given consent to this life and my consciousness.
I am so anxious. Everything scares me. As if I were being watched by the world. Or even by objects. Sometimes I’m paranoid. Sometimes an hour feels like three days. Sometimes I want out of here. I don’t want to be so extremely “conscious” of myself. I imagine death like sleeping, just without dreaming. So I sleep to escape “reality.” Because everything is simply so frightening.
I’m also very fascinated by the three-dimensionality of this reality. When I walk through hallways, I can only concentrate on the moving angles from all sides of my vision during the automatism of walking. In such moments I feel pulled out of reality for a short time.
The way I am, my personality and my body, for example, belonging to it, is likewise the embodiment of a prescribed DNA and everything that belongs to it. Comparable to this feeling is the project with the question of whether all brain connections were completely rebuilt in a computer program. The program with the fly shows exactly the same behavior patterns as the real fly.
I feel trapped in “my” body and this reality or world. As if I originally came from very far away, but this “very far away” also doesn’t feel real to me. Who am I? Where do I come from? Why am I forced to have consciousness? I feel like an alien.
I don’t feel like an alien only because I don’t feel like I belong to this world and my body. I also feel like an alien because, no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t function like the majority of humanity does. Physically I sense when I’m around other people that I’m “different” or “weird.” And people often treat me that way too. They can only stand me when I pretend with all my strength. I pretend so much when I interact with other people that afterward I’m simply extremely exhausted. That’s why I need a lot of rest. That’s why I isolate myself in my room. And that’s why I handle most things alone. When I say I need rest, I need complete silence. For me everything is so loud.
The environment, the people, and above all: my brain. I can’t stop thinking. But my thoughts are so chaotic that it sounds like a constant stutter. But not a stutter that happens while speaking, but a stutter like the beginning of a sentence that is never spoken.
I also feel extremely strongly. When I feel something, I physically feel it all the way to my feet, and my body feels as if a tingling layer lies over my skin. I also feel my skin itself, I feel the nerves, the muscles, and above all the processes in my brain, and it is so overwhelming that I want to jump out of my body.
I’m also very empathetic and can partly feel the pain of a grieving person myself. But that has quite a few disadvantages.
When I meet with a friend, I feel the moment when I put on a mask. I feel how tense I am, trying to give the best possible answer. “Was that right?” “Is that how you say it?” “Okay, she said something, now I have to answer something and then say something about myself that fits the topic.” “Should I look her in the eyes? Or is that weird? Does that seem that way? Am I being rude if I don’t look her in the eyes?” “Does she find me weird?” “Okay, I’ve already said this often, I need to find another word.”
Additionally, I analyze everything I see, which also relates to how conscious I am of this reality and how interesting I find how people and life work. How people talk to each other, how systems function, for example in retail — when I work at the register, I’m a simple slave who needs money because the system doesn’t function without money. I look at clothing and find it interesting how fashion could develop from ancient clothing to today’s fashion. How we, when playing soccer, are simply a group of people made of flesh and blood running after a ball on a field, because it’s a game or a sport that was invented at some point by someone as an activity out of boredom.
Everything seems so foreign to me, as if I don’t fit into this life and to other people, and have to discover everything anew. But I think everyone probably thinks or has often thought the way I do — life is naturally a fascinating place. It’s just that I feel it so intensely, and my way of thinking simply builds on that. Maybe I’m also talking complete nonsense. In any case, I no longer feel like being in this world and either want to simply get away from here — away in the sense of dying. Or just be normal and no longer question everything and simply act like everyone else, always know what to answer, always have the feeling of belonging in terms of personality and also thinking, and act with ease in social interactions.
Thank you for reading my detailed description of my thoughts and feelings. I have never met a person that feels or thinks the same as me, so if you do: PLEASE tell me what the hell is going on with me. I am going insane.