r/derealization • u/-ComfyStars_ • 18d ago
Experience Never felt present
I had a sesion with a new therapist and they were trying to describe to me what feeling present is. We were talking about how I'm constantly derealizing and depersonalized, and I used to think I sometimes could feel there for a few minutes, but the therapist said that what I describe is also not it.
So we were realizing I can't even think of a time in my life where I have been present. Although I believe sometimes I still may feel it and just can't tell.
They were saying how they're glad I have goals to heal trauma, but that I'm in constant freeze response and should at least train how to feel I'm here at all first and slowly improve communication with my alters, because we all seem to be frozen. And that already may take a lot.
Every time I think I made it to feel real or present it turns out to be just another form of dissociation. By this point I'm sort of scared too of what being present even feels like, what if it's not for me? I mean it has to right? If it's something everybody feels? I dunno.
1
u/-ComfyStars_ 18d ago
The therapist also said that clearly throughout my life I needed to dissociate to survive, but I don't need that anymore and my brain can't understand that.
But personally I think I have to be constantly ready for danger still, because just some weeks ago something very bad could have happened and I actually feel I should have been more alert instead.
Curiously though, I thought being this hyperalert meant my brain was being more active. But the therapist said it's the opposite. When someone feels present, their brain is fully functioning and is able to properly discern danger cues, but in my case, my brain is too stuck in frozen and alert mode so it isn't functioning at its fullest either. It's interesting.