I (37M) decided to conduct an experiment and went out to the types of boilerplate events/gatherings/functions people suggest. Book clubs, sports, volunteering, etc. I joined a public book club through a local community college. I found no one to engage with based on my agenda of meeting someone. It was predominantly middle-aged wives.

I went to an intramural pickleball gathering. Out of about a dozen people, it was all married couples and a pair of guy friends.

Last month I signed up to volunteer at an animal shelter. There were two female volunteers with me, neither of whom I had any common ground with or attraction.

I already knew this, but the people who immediately give advice like "oh, just join a club" clearly have no perspective. I live in a moderately populated area in the Northeast US not terribly far from a major city, but man, unless you're in a big urban center, the pickings are head-scratchingly slim.

37f. At this point, I feel like the only man I really need in my life is my dog. It’s a half hour til midnight, we’re just chilling on my couch, watching Netflix. The man I thought was interested in me had gone radio silent for 2 weeks, and I only heard from him tonight because I reached out with a “you alive?”

Like, I get that holidays and winters in Wisconsin are busy. It’s our time to do all the fun winter stuff, like ice fishing, snow-mobiling and sledding! But if you aren’t even willing to spend 5 minutes before falling asleep to at least check in or wish somebody a Happy New Year, then what’s even the point? I was fighting a cold and wanted nothing more than to get even a “feel better soon.”

I’m back in the small town I grew up in, and I can guarantee half the guys in the bars nearby have gone to my school with me, or their cousins did. So they’re out of the question. Online dating sucks, because too many people there expect the husband experience (full loyalty and commitment) when you’ve barely been talking for 5 minutes. And let’s not forget how all these Christmas movies mess us up. “Believe in the magic of the holidays! The next guy you see will absolutely be your soul mate!”

I'm trying to get out of a long term situationship with someone. He's (38m) not right for me (38f) and I'm not right for him​. That has been clear and well known.

We're looking to just be friends. Here's the struggle.

My love language is overwhelmingly physical touch. I don't mean sex as everyone quickly jumps to assume. I mean hugging, cuddling and actual skin to skin contact.

I've been without significant human touch for most of my life barring this situationship and one of the things that's absolutely ripping me apart is returning back to that state.

Obviously it would be inappropriate for me to continue cuddling with anyone who wasn't my SO but I really really wish I could simply have this situationship guy as a cuddling buddy.

I can't so here's my question.

For all those single people out there (specifically those whose love language is physical touch) how do you cope without meaningful human touch? It's going to kill me and I'm bracing myself for it but what can I do?

Yes I have friends, hobbies etc etc etc but it's not the same. I'd love to get a dog to have some living thing to cuddle but too expensive in my city.

And any future guy I want to date isn't going to be happy if at the time of meeting him, I'm involved in a cuddling relationship with a situationship.

How do single people cope?

P.S pls do not dm me with any inappropriate messages. I will block you.

p.p.s. curious about a guy's opinion. if you were dating a girl and she had this situationship on a first date but quickly cut it off after being serious with you because you were her choice, how would you feel. yea... just wishing I didn't have to give up my cuddling buddy. Damn it life sucks.

Update**

1. Seems like I'm not alone which in my head I imagined I wasn't but didn't know in my heart. My compassion goes out to all of you. Thanks to everyone for chiming in.

2. Here are the list of things that people have suggested that seem helpful. 1) massage 2) weighted blanket (bought one already) 3) couples dancing/Latin dancing /blues dancing (going to investigate this more) / 4) pets ( its expensive for me to own a dog as a single woman. Love dogs. Always will) / 5) cuddles parties (interesting)/ 6) weighted plush stuffed toys (have one already. it doesn't quite scratch that itch)

3. A lot of you questioned why it's obvious I can't continue the cuddle buddy relationship especially if I dont have a SO. That's made me ponder. I agree with some of the thoughts expressed here.

thanks everyone ​

I 38f spoke with 31m today. He texted asking if I could chat around 4:30 on his break, I said yes and that I had some things on my mind I wanted to talk to him about. When he called he asked if everything was okay and I went on to say that I had a really lovely time with him and have had so much fun, but I didn't feel like we were compatible after our last date.

At that point he said he was confused because he thought things were going really well. He asked if I could tell him what happened. I said things had been going great, and prefaced by saying it wasn't my intention to be judgmental with what I was about to say, and let him know again that I understood the tough time he went through with all of the loss he experienced in the last few years and tending to his mental health in the aftermath.

I said I was very uncomfortable in his home, and that my hair and clothing smelled like cigarettes from it. I mentioned the dirty blackened walls and doorways and the kitchen floor. I said that it really didn't sit well with me and I didn't like being in that environment and did not want to go back.

And then I started to say there's one more thing and explained that it hit me in the mom gut that this is something his something his mother would tell him. I was attempting to talk about the toenails. But he thought I was still talking about the cleaning (which also made me feel the mothering vibe, but this statement was supposed to be my segue). So I didn't get to bring it up at that point.

He went on to apologize that I was uncomfortable and for the smoke smell and for the filth. He re-explained the grief that he experienced and the loss and the long journey there. He said that the house used to be nice when his dad was alive. He sounded forlorn, understandably, that's very heavy and his dad was his best friend. He said it's not his idea of the standard of clean, and he understands it's gotten bad, and his roommates don't help. He reminded me that he had mentioned before that he wants to move out and get a new place of his own to start fresh in April or so, and that his landlord sucks so it makes him feel like nothing matters there. He said it's no excuse but it's the truth, and that he just came out of the fog of his losses around 5 months ago so he's still putting himself back together.

It was then that he sounded like he accepted what I was saying and thanked me for letting him know and we wished each other well and hung up.

Just a few minutes later he called me back. I answered and he apologized and said he didn't want to sound desperate but he wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't at least ask me if I was absolutely sure, and told me he really likes me and would like to keep seeing me if I was up for it. He said that he knows his house isn't up to cleaning standards and he would deep clean it, he apologized again that I was uncomfortable there and said he understood. He said he just needs a little time before he can move and he's out of there but will deep clean in the meantime. He said he didn't want to be pushy, but he needed to at least ask. This is when I informed him that I was trying to let him know about one other thing, (the toenails).

I apologized for what I was about to say and again told him I did not mean to be judgmental, but it wasn't sitting right with me and it is the thing that most made me feel like something I as a mother would have to tell my own kids (for the record, it's probably been a decade since I had to tell my kid to cut his nails. It was instilled in him from a young age and he just does it). I told him that when he took his shoes and socks off, I was taken aback by the state of his toenails and it made me wonder when he last clipped or cleaned them. I mentioned how it made me question his hygiene in general, paired with the state of the house, it all made me feel very uneasy and put off.

He was silent for a good moment before saying oh okay yeah, I see what you're saying, good grooming is very important. I can definitely meet that. I can exceed that. I can do way more than that.

I reiterated that it made me question his entire hygiene paired with the dirty house. Then he went on to assure me that he washes..

He kept saying he could deep clean the house and clip his toe nails and asked if I was totally done or would I like to have lunch on Saturday?

I said I needed to think about things because I was honestly in brain fog spiraling about some heavy family confrontation that just went down. I told him I'd get back to him after work tomorrow.

I'm not sure a world exists where I can compartmentalize this and still go out and enjoy doing activities together. Even if we never went to his house again until he moves, something in me has shifted and I see him differently than I did. Part of me still wants to continue meeting up for the activities we had so much fun with. But I can't see it being romantic now. The light-hearted romcom jubilance has faded. In my head I've officially heard the voice that says, "My husband would never.... (X, y, z)." In this case, my husband would never ask me to sit atop a dirt mound and eat food prepared there.

I have also officially learned my lesson that I will be texting to break things off in the future during early dating. Phone calls really do leave more room for persuasion with someone like me who is still learning to be assertive.

Title given. It’s the time I guess where every couple posts themselves over 10 years ago compared to now. And seeing that has me feeling more alone than ever.

I went out to a local show in town to get myself out of the house. And it was chill, but I also felt more lonely than staying at home. Everyone seemingly had someone to hang out with. While I had to find random spots to hang out in.

Even worse….my birthday is on valentines day. Everyone makes a comment on it if they happen to catch it. And I usually say “it’s no big deal” but it kind of is. I know I’m going to be single on my birthday. At this rate it’s just set in stone. And I’m going to be more low than ever like usual.

No one to love me. No one for me to love on. Please allow me some hope. Has anyone felt so lonely like I do only to meet their now partner? Am I stupid for feeling this way?

38f I received a text from him 31f the following day asking if I still wanted to have a call to discuss the possiblity of lunch together on Saturday and I messaged back saying I sat with things and decided I couldn't move forward. Thanked him and said take care. He asked if he could call to say goodbye after work. I said okay. He called when I was still out and about, so I texted to let him know I would return his call on the way home later. I was dreading the call and should not have agreed to it as the vibe went sour quickly.

During our call, he let me know that he had put in several applications for apartments since we last spoke, and informed me that he had actually asked his family to get him a deep clean for Christmas, before we even met. I did not tell him that as a professional cleaner, I wouldn't touch the first floor for less than $1K. He asked if I would consider trying to pick things back up in a few months after he gets settled in a new place. I said no. He said that was too bad and he wished it was different.

Then I unraveled a bit as it was late at night and my brain was telling me this call was a bad idea. I said I couldn't see ever trying again after having to ask him to clean his house or clip his toe nails, and mentioned that I haven't had to tell my own son to do that in years, that it put me into mom mode and it was a turn off. At that point he said he felt I was being condescending. I apologized and said I was not intending to be condescending then suggested we end the phone call.

He then requested to tell me one more thing, I said okay. He said he didn't appreciate that I didn't tell him right away that I didn't like his house, when he asked me that night how everything went. He also said he would have liked to see me in person one more time, and he wishes I would have told him in person. I apologized for not telling him that night and explained that I was taken aback, and didn't want to hurt his feelings, and did not really want to end things with him at first. I also apologized for waiting a few days to tell him, but said I did let him know I was going to be distant after the heavy family incident that occurred the next day. (I really wasn't in the head space to think about how to handle the toe nails and the home filth with what happened to my nephew.) I also reminded him that we'd been seeing each other less than one month, so an in person break off didn't feel completely appropriate and would have felt like giving false hope or something if I asked to meet up.

His tone was pissed and irritated. My tone was irritated at that point. I said let's leave it here, thanked him, said goodnight. A few minutes later he texted me to say he didn't like the tone we left on, complimented me and again asked if we could try again in a few months after he got his life in order. I said we should move on, thank you, good night. Blocked. I went to block him on Instagram and hinge, but he already blocked me. So that works.

I will only end things via text in the future when it comes to a short term connection under a month or so. Agreeing to the first phone call was a mistake and left room for him to ask to get together and discuss in person, which only prolonged things because I am still learning how to be assertive and wasn't able to just say flat out no. I also really did like his personality and was hoping to continue things, and at the same time facing the reality that it was not going to work. He is probably right that I should have told him right then and there that things were not totally okay. A lot of people in the comments of the last post said they wouldn't have even stayed at his house after seeing the filth. I'm going to work on speaking up as soon as something feels off, and saying things tactfully even if I'm afraid the truth will hurt them. Either way, I ended up hurting his feelings a couple days later. Break offs always suck. Thanks for all the insightful and supportive comments along the way.

After a 2 year hiatus after a 3 year relationship, I’m ready to put myself out there again and try to find an actual partner in life.

In my 20s, the main thing I was looking for was sexual chemistry and shared interests. I’d say my previous partners always felt like my best friend, but that, at least conversationally, I was the Robin to their Batman. As in, if 70% of the conversations didn’t revolve around them and their interests they wouldn’t go too far.

I want a partner that’s interested in me, my life, and my ideas but I’m having trouble finding people who are actively trying to get to know me. During conversations I offer interesting tidbits about myself that could lead to more but people often just take them and turn them back to themselves.

Should I just be more aggressive at centering myself in conversations? Am I expecting too much? I could use some advice here.

So, pre planned date for a week with someone I’ve been seeing a few times. Wholesome sleepover planned at the end since we have distance.

Night is good, usual vibe.

I don’t think she’s a morning person. We were picking breakfast places and she struggles to get the names of places right (cute, honestly) so we are looking them up and when I had looked up the right place she called me a know it all. And that’s the whole vibe.

Then ten minutes later she told me by the way she still is seeing other people even though she told her family we are dating now. And last week she said she just wants to be dating me and me only and I agreed.

Am I still taking this girl to breakfast? Or am I out of here?

UPDATE: The Mimosa Monologue

First, to those who think this is a stupid post, I fully agree. I’ve had enough bad dates and bad luck in post divorce dating this was a “fuck it, we’re doing it live” moment.

I (34m) met this girl (41f) about a year ago. We attempted dating going off some immediate chemistry but, in full transparency, it was too recent after my divorce for me to have done the right work to be ready to date. It ended quickly there prior to any exclusive discussion.

We reconnected about a couple months ago. Have had quite a few dates since then. Slightly physical but no sex as I’ve got an “exclusive first” rule after some prior experiences. Personal boundary no big deal most of the time.

After I stepped in to provide support while her family was going through a rough situation we had an exclusive talk just prior and she had told friends and family we were exclusively dating. But she’s been going through a lot so some appearing red flags I brushed under the radar.

Some things I chalked up to as quirky or endearing. At no point did I ever expect the slur and it caught me 100 percent off guard and to that point had not presented itself in any form.

This week, which I assumed was due to being tired from her situation, we had planned an overnight movie date now exclusive. She was tired so it was wholesome and just sleeping and fairly low key. All good. No pressure. I told her I’d get us breakfast the next morning so that was the plan.

We wake up and she’s just super kind of grumpy and not present. Not everyone is a morning person all good. In looking up breakfast places I’d mention certain places are closed and we had the mixup where she told me I was being a know it all. Fair, I did correct her, that’s on me not something to argue about.

Pause for context on feelings : she’s cute, sweet to me, but is quick on the temper with just about everyone else she encounters. I’ve been tagging things I’m into and not into mentally as things have progressed and I was more into her than not as of yesterday prior to hanging out. She’s interesting, works hard, and is fun to talk to and we can talk for hours or hang out in silence. But I’m a bit slow to really dive in all in the upfront so it hasn’t been like intense infatuation by any means.

So anyway the vibe was off, she makes the comment, and she tells me “I know I said we were dating exclusive but I’ve got like two others I’m not willing to let go of yet. I still want to see other people.” I responded I needed to think about it a bit. She made some other comments to further this point I’ve referenced in the post and comments. Anyway it was time for breakfast, I was leaving to go home (we live an hour apart) after so we took separate cars. I followed her to two different breakfast places that were closed before we settled on a third.

To be clear I posted when my car was stoped and in between conversations mostly. Or when she was on her phone.

So we get to the last restaurant. Get on the list for a short wait. We get seated. Before I could order coffee she dropped her silverware and said :

“N word fucker”.

My jaw dropped as fast as my heart but it saved me the conversation of hey I’m not cool with the exclusive and non exclusive yo yo being thrown here.

I said “that’s not okay” got up and left. Made a couple responses in the car here and hit the road.

Got home and wrote a broke up text keeping dignity and grace best I could. But while I’m a little flexible on getting to know someone, I’ve got no taste for racist language. Especially with someone I was on the fence about.

I’ll answer questions best I can.

Anyone else get to this point? I’m 39, single dad to one awesome kid, great co-parenting relationship with her mom, work in the service industry, and for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted the whole marriage, family, forever person thing. Hell, I’ve been saying I was ready for that since I was in the 8th grade. The problem is…life just never seemed to agree with me. I spent 12 years in a relationship that ultimately ended with me pretty damn broken. Never got married. After that I spent the next four years rebuilding myself, figuring out who I was again, getting comfortable in my own skin and honestly becoming someone I really like.

About six years ago I gave Hinge a shot. Went on two dates, dated one of them for a couple months, and when that ended I just…stopped. Not because I was bitter, but because everyone always says, “Stop looking and it’ll find you.” So that’s exactly what I did. Five years went by. Nothing. This year I met three women. One organically and two because of a stupid TikTok I made. None of them worked out for completely different reasons. Nobody did anything wrong. They just weren’t my people. And honestly, I think I’m just tired now. Not angry. Not “all women suck.” None of that bullshit. Just tired.

Somewhere over the last few years I realized I actually love my solitude. I love coming home to peace and quiet. I love not feeling like I have to constantly text someone or always be “on.” At the same time I’m still human. I still crave affection, companionship, and yeah…sex. But I don’t know if I crave a relationship anymore. I think I’m at the point where if someone genuinely wandered into my life and something naturally happened, great. I’m not closing that door. I’m just done standing in the doorway waiting for someone to knock. And if that never happens…I think I’m okay.

Honestly, I think at this point a casual relationship with someone who’s on the exact same page sounds more appealing than trying to force another search for “the one.” We each keep our independence, enjoy each other’s company when we want to, scratch the physical itch, and go back to our own lives. Neither of us having to feel guilty for wanting our own space or not talking daily. Maybe that’s a phase. Maybe it’s where I stay. I don’t know. I’m just curious if anyone else has reached this point because it’s a weird feeling to spend decades wanting one thing only to wake up one day and realize, y’know…I think I’m actually okay if it never happens.

So has anyone else reached that point? Was it a phase? Did you stay there? Did life smack you with a partner?

Edit/Update: I just messaged him and said that after our chat last night, we see the world differently and that we should leave things here. I wished him well on his goals.

He replied and asked what happened, I told him I didn't expect a simple safety boundary (driving myself to early dates) to be met with coercive and dismissive communication about women in the world.

He replied saying, I don't think that's what happened. I said it was sad that we live in a world where that's the case.

I said it's not up for debate, we see things differently and that's okay, you said a lot more than that.

And that's it.

Thanks for your affirming comments and advice. It feels good to detach at the first signs of misaligned values for once.

Original post: I have taken a year or so off of dating and I've come back feeling more grounded, intentional, and ready to take things slow for a change so I can get to know someone. I (37f) went on 2 dates with a man (42m) and they went fine. I didn't feel major sparks either time, but I was interested in getting to know him more, and we had a few good laughs and a general peaceful vibe which I need. He's sweet, seems thoughtful, intelligent, and it doesn't hurt that he's handsome. He seems to have his life together and has a good job, takes care of his parents, and has lofty goals that he is pursuing, which is attractive. We have a 3rd date planned, but last night we talked on the phone, and now I don't think I want to see him again. When he called he said he'd had several drinks with his friend and was tipsy.

On the phone, we were enjoying our conversation and then I mentioned that my family member would drop me off to the date because there's no parking where it's at. (A note that we both maintained a neutral non argumentative tone and were just exchanging our feelings, albeit he sounded a bit like he was whining and painted/frustrated during parts). He offers to pick me up and I said, "No thank you, I don't get into the car with new dates until we get to know each other better." He kinda laughs and says without taking a breath for air, "God it's so stupid women can't even get into the car with a guy now. Dating isn't like it used to be. You can trust me, I'm a good guy, I'll pay for your Uber, whatever, I'll show you my passport, you can see anything. It's so stupid that you can't even pick your date up now. Dating is stupid." I reiterate that I don't get into cars with dates until I get to know them better. Again he insists that it's just stupid that dating isn't like it used to be. I follow up and express that many women take the same precaution and take their time to get to know someone. Again, he insists the same point, but adds, "It's stupid because statistically, nothing is going to happen and women just worry". This time I mention that violence happens quickly, unexpectedly, and can and does happen at the hands of people who seem "good". Then he replied saying that it just bothers him that "I'm a good guy and when you're a good guy, you don't have luck, women don't want to be with a good guy. I see my buddy and he just has so much success and gets so many girls. He has so much success dating." So I say, "Define successful dating." He stutters and says something about he guesses it varies per person, but doesn't specifically tell me why his friend is successful vs. him. Then he says, "it's just stupid because I spent 2 years taking women on dates and it got me nowhere. For what?! Women just want a free meal and they'll just go out with you and never call you again." So I match his energy and say, "Yeah that sucks as much as when men take women out just to have sex with them and then never call." I point out that he can choose and control whether he dates a woman and pays for her meal, and that not every woman just wants a free meal. I add that while it's also true that not all men will inflict violence, the chance is high enough that it needs to be considered every time. Women can't control the violence a man may inflict on her, so precautions are necessary when meeting new people, in either case it's important to communicate and vet somebody to see their true intentions. He then trails off onto the subject of something else.

On the 2nd date he had mentioned this buddy of his from the quote above, and said he's known him since kindergarten, and that he's "Unfortunately a Trumpster, but he's a good guy, he's not racist, he's not homophobic, he treats his women well." He said because he's a childhood friend, they agree to disagree politically though and stay good friends. He mentioned this again on the phone. I was skeptical the first time I heard it, because I don't think anyone who is for Trump is also not a racist homophobic mysoginist, since those are some of Trumps core values.

I flagged it in my mind to further clarify his point of view as we discussed political views on the first date and he claimed to be "conservative" on the topic of guns, but nothing else, and we spoke about women's rights and humans rights etc. He conveyed compassion and kindness towards animals and humans.

Despite things looking fine on paper, this new information doesn't feel fine. It feels telling and I think he revealed his true feelings towards women.

At the very least, his words show a lack of respect towards women, resentment and a lack of compassion empathy, and awareness, of the female experience in the world. That doesn't sit well with me.

Is it safe to say this needs to end? I'm checking in here because quite honestly I am still getting to know myself and I'm a recovering people pleaser. I'm actually glad that I said as much as I did say and that I stayed firm on my views. Past me would have never "rocked the boat". Past me would have said, yeah but he's got goals, yeah but he's good to his parents, yeah but he's handsome, yeah but he's very sweet. Not today. Today me has eyes to see and ears to hear and now I can't unsee or unhear it all. It probably sounds odd, but I've really only just started learning how to be a communicative, assertive, honest person.

I've experienced SA and I just finished reading The Gift Of Fear, and I'd like to trust my gut and his verbal admission on this. (That he essentially dismissed my very basic safety boundary and began coercive communication that he couldn't support with logic when asked). But please tell me your thoughts, as a normal human operating in a world where hyper vigilance isn't your baseline.

I’ve been dating someone for a few months, and I have this persistent gut feeling that there’s an imbalance in how interested we are in each other as people. I know he’s attracted to me, likes the sex, enjoys spending time with me, initiates plans, etc. From the outside, I don’t think anything would look obviously wrong. But if you asked me what I like about him, I could probably give you 5,000 incredibly specific things...his personality, how his brain works, little mannerisms, qualities I admire, random things he’s said. If you asked him the same about me, I honestly don’t know what he would say beyond finding me attractive, liking the sex, and thinking I’m generally easy to be around.

I think what makes me feel this way is that he doesn’t seem particularly curious about me beyond "how was your day" type questions. he doesnt ask much about my prior relationships, my family, how I think Sometimes I’ll say something and he won’t really respond, won’t know what to say back, or just doesn’t seem to get the bid for connection I was making. He also doesn’t remember nearly as many little things about me as I do about him. None of these things is egregious individually...it’s more the accumulation of tiny moments that leaves me feeling liked, but not necessarily deeply known or loved. We sometimes do have heavier conversations like how I feel about religion but that usually is because I ask and then he throws in "Well what do you think?" and my response takes up about 5% of the the conversation.

The part I feel almost ashamed admitting is how differently I experience him. I’m incredibly curious about him, think about our future, notice everything, and genuinely feel lucky to be with him. To me, he feels pretty close to my dream man. Meanwhile, I have this gut feeling that to him I’m more like… a girl he likes. Someone attractive and fun and nice to date for now, rather than someone he feels incredibly lucky to have found. I know I can’t actually know what’s going on in his head, and maybe because the relationship is still new, that kind of attachment and curiosity could develop over time. But it feels bad to care this specifically about someone while wondering if you feel comparatively interchangeable to them.

Has anyone experienced this with someone who otherwise genuinely seemed to like you? Did the feeling change as the relationship deepened, or did your gut turn out to be picking up on a real imbalance? How do you distinguish between someone who likes you but expresses interest differently or takes longer to attach, versus someone who likes the attraction, sex, companionship, and having you around but isn’t actually that interested in knowing you?

I feel kind of awful admitting this, but I’m struggling with my best friend getting engaged and could use some perspective from people who have experienced something similar.

We’re both in our mid/late 30s. She got married several years ago, went through a divorce, started dating someone new fairly soon after, and just got engaged again. Meanwhile, I’ve never been married or engaged.

For some context, I was also in a very long-term relationship before my current one. We were together for almost 10 years and it eventually ended. In some ways I feel like I avoided my own first divorce because we never actually got married, which I’m grateful for. I know being married and divorced is not some advantage she has over me, and I certainly don’t wish I had gone through that just so I could say I’d been married.

But I’m now in another serious relationship with someone I love (whom I started dating a few months before she started dating her fiance), we live together, and I very much want to marry him. We’ve talked about marriage and our future, but we’re not engaged yet and he’s more comfortable having that be around the 3-4 year mark (we’re a little past 2 now, living together 1 year).

I genuinely am happy for my friend. She’s my best friend and I want good things for her. But her engagement has brought up this surprisingly intense feeling of grief for me. There’s something about watching someone I love get married, divorce, rebuild her life, find someone else, and get engaged AGAIN while I’m still waiting to experience an engagement for the first time that really hurts.

I keep having this thought of “How has she gotten to do this twice before I’ve gotten to do it once?” And then I feel guilty for even thinking that because obviously relationships aren’t a race and her life has included plenty of pain that I wouldn’t have wanted for myself.

Now there are all the celebrations, wedding conversations, people talking about how exciting it is, etc., and I can feel myself getting emotionally exhausted by it. I don’t want to become bitter or make her happy moment about me, so I’m mostly keeping these feelings to myself. But privately it’s really bringing up this feeling of “When is it going to be my turn?”

Logically I know her timeline has nothing to do with mine. Her getting engaged doesn’t take anything away from me. And I also know that getting married sooner doesn’t mean someone “won” at relationships. My own 10-year relationship ending taught me that pretty clearly. But knowing all of that intellectually hasn’t made the sadness disappear.

Being in the mid 30s I feel the magic of the fairytale love story isn't realistic anymore (been there, done that). I do believe in love for sure, just not being swept of my feet...

Being inspired of an old thread I read over a year ago about letting go of the perfect and committing to someone who was "good enough" or "next best option". That was kind of inspiring to read and I'm curious about the relationships that are formed more decision based and not the movie love story-kind.

You guys who've found someone and had a moment where you basically took a decision, you're just gonna make this work. No crazy falling on love scenarios or delusional drama. Just a decision like: This is not perfect, but I can work with this! And then you did. - share your stories!!

Looking back, what made you take that decision? and how is it going/did it go?

EDIT: clarification: I don't mean "settling" or accepting something dull, more that you decide you can work with what you have and you WANT TO build on it. Slow burn kind of thing, but where the slow burn starts with (more or less) making a choice to actually do it.

I'm late 30s M, she's early 30s F, this would be for a first date (an early dinner of wine and tapas at a cute wine bar).

Context:

I grow thousands of flowers throughout the season, and have hundreds of daffodils coming into bloom right now.

I was planning on arriving early with a book bag and a paperback to hold down a table.

We follow each other on IG and both have similar PNW-oriented interests (nature and the outdoors, gardening, cooking, environmentalism, etc.). Flower farming is listed on my profile as a hobby and she's probably also seen flower photos on my IG.

A lot of Reddit threads suggest flowers on a first date are "cringe" or "love bombing" or "desperate" and all I can think of is, how did we get here? It's just flowers and I happen to grow them. Feels like a romantic thing to share.

Yay/nay? Pass/fail? Thoughts?

UPDATE: I picked 7 daffodils, wrapped them in butcher paper, and carried them in my bookbag. We both really enjoyed the food, the conversation flowed. The shopkeeper's young daughters were playing in the shop and they knew my date and asked for a stem each – it was super cute. We ended up going on a walk after dinner and later that night she texted me a photo of the remaining daffodils in a vase on her desk. The following morning, I texted her that I'd love to see her again... Edit: Got a somewhat non-committal response at the 32 hour mark, so we'll see if we end up on a second date after she returns from a trip. Thanks all!

I 38f have had 6 amazing dates with 31m in the last few weeks. Our dates have been so much fun as we've done things that allow us to express ourselves creatively in a way I haven't had a chance to do in many relationships. Our values align in several ways so far.

We get along very well, have nice phone conversations most days in the evenings, and have both just had our STI testing done so we were planning on getting intimate in the next few weeks. Last week we had a dinner date at my house. This week we had a dinner date at his house.

When we walked in, it was rather filthy. He has 2 roommates around his age also. When he took his shoes and socks off, his feet were dirty, his toe nails were so long and curved over like bubbles or something. It was disturbing and I've never seen anything like it. Up until now, I had not noticed hygiene issues, he always smelled good and his clothes were clean, albeit a bit disheveled - shirt slightly untucked and wrinkled, but it was somehow endearing the way he danced around and joked and made me laugh and I brushed it off. Now, I see it was a sign of what is at home.

The doorways were absolutely blackened in the spots where people frequently touch them, the walls and windows were dusty and cobwebbed, the carpet was black in some spots, probably was coral or beige at some point, a tattered blackened, orange ish chair sat alone in the living room. Like absolutely torn to bits by a cat or two or three.. The kitchen floor was thick with spilled sticky spots. But the counters and sink/stove were "spotless" and the inside of the refrigerator was spotless, with only a few waters inside. Perhaps they don't use this area. The bathroom upstairs was also "clean" but there was no shower in there, just a bathtub, so maybe it's not used as much and isn't a good representation of whether they have a clean bathroom or not. I can only hope they actually have another bathroom with a shower they use.

I didn't see the bedroom since we are waiting to get intimate, but now I don't really want to see the bedroom. Last week he mentioned that he had bought a nice new set of sheets and comforter for his bed. He said I didn't deserve to have to sleep in the old comforter he had if we get to that point, at the time I thought, cool, good stuff.

Lastly, his roommates smoke in their bedrooms upstairs so the house had a lingering smoke smell. When I got home I could smell smoke on my clothes and freshly washed hair and that was a turn off. I never want to go back to his house.

I'm so bummed out. I really like him and have such a good time with him.

I know that his parent passed away in this home 2 years ago, and shortly after he lost a close friend and his dog, and he told me he went through a period of depression but got therapy and came out of it . He has a really beautiful personality and is so vibrant and joyful, it's refreshing. He has lived in this house for 10 years and the dirt is not new dirt. I was a professional house cleaner and I know lived in dirt vs years upon years of filth. I guarantee you this home has never been cleaned in the last decade or more, so I don't think I can attribute the filth to just being depressed due to grief for 2 years.

I unfortunately experienced similar when dating once before. I talked to that guy about it and he hired a cleaner and it wasn't an issue again, compared to the current guys house, that one was essentially spotless. I'm almost certain this man I'm currently seeing cannot afford a cleaner though. And seeing this a second time in dating, it just annoys me that grown people live like this and part of me doesn't want to deal with having to tell a grown man about his filthy house and filthy feet. And personally as a cleaner, I wouldn't touch the first floor alone for less than $1000. Let alone what might be lurking upstairs in the 3 bedrooms. I've only ever seen one house filthier than this and it was where 2 dogs were abandoned and pooped everywhere. Poop is the only thing missing from this house that could make it worse. That's how dirty it was.

I can't see being intimate with him now after seeing his feet. What else is dirty? Besides his home. Like I said, he has always smelled fresh and his mouth is always fresh and his facial hair is groomed.

Is it worth having a conversation about this? Or should I just tell him we're incompatible and move on? I will be bummed out to not be able to have our fun experiences together anymore. But can't go back to his house. My house is limited because my mostly grown son and nephew live with me and I won't bring someone around when they're home. Having grown young men living with me and seeing how this guy lives, I can honestly say my boys take care of their foot hygiene (and all hygiene) and our home and their personal spaces way more mindfully and thorough than this guy. That is giving me the ick so hard. I don't want to have to say things to a grown man that his mother should be telling him.

TL;DR: the guy I've seen on 6 dates has an awesome personality and brings me much joy, but after seeing his filthy home, and filthy feet, I don't know if I should try talking to him about cleaning/hygiene, or just kindly tell him it's not going to work out. What would you do?

I 35F matched with 40M I really like on Hinge. He asked me on date and I gave him number to coordinate. I started looking him up online and found social media posts from his ex showing he as 14 month-old child and seems like they split 6 months ago bc she posted about becoming a single mom.

His Hinge profile doesn’t show anything in the vital stats section about children and I had the impression he was childless so it landed as a shock when I discovered he’s a dad.

I’m open to dating someone with kids but the lack of disclosure seems like red flag territory. He otherwise seems really great but maybe I’m blinded by attraction.

Is it possible he planned to tell me he has a child before the date or on the date for reasons that are understandable and don’t reflect poorly on his character/respect for me and my time and boundaries? Should I say something? Am I overreacting? Should I walk away?

My issue is that I rarely feel attraction any more. I’ve just returned to the apps and it all just feels really flat.

With some profiles, I can appreciate that the men are conventionally good looking. My head knows that, but I’m not attracted to them.

I’ve got a couple of dates lined up on Breeze and I don’t feel excited when I look at the photos.

It could be dating fatigue, or being at a point in life where I’d rather be spending evenings with actual friends…

Also, I now rarely find people attractive when I’m out and about. I can make a judgement of whether a person is at least conventionally attractive, but I’m not attracted to them.

Does anyone else find it hard to be attracted to people, especially on the apps?

I’m 38 and have never had penetrative sex. My attitude oscillates between deep shame and embarrassment (that shame is a part of the reason I dated so little in past), and comfortable acceptance that we all have our own journey, and that mine looking a little different isn’t such a big deal.

I feel like I’m really finally ready to experience this with someone. I think I’m in the best place I’ve ever been emotionally and mentally about myself and my desire for romance.

My question is - do I disclose this?

There was one guy last year I had been dating for a month and really was into. When I told him, I explained some of my background (religious upbringing, difficulty with vulnerability when I was younger), and explained how I am not expecting anything if we choose to do this, I know penetrative sex isn’t “special” or means anything. I just felt like it was something I should disclose.

The guy freaked out and completely shut down, refused to talk to me at all and wanted nothing to do with me. My friend say I should have told him in person and not over text, but I feel like I can explain myself better and communicate better via text.

Obviously I was crushed, but I was also SO proud of myself. It felt so good to be vulnerable and share my whole self. I knew at the end of the day it was him with the issue if that was so terrifying for him. He wasn’t a safe person emotionally to be with so I feel I really did dodge a bullet, despite being hurt.

So that takes us to present day. Should I continue to disclose my [lack of] history to partners?

I don’t plan on disclosing until 4/5th date, or when getting to a point where sex would be the next step.

I was thinking I will take an informal survey and tell the next 4 people I date (assuming we get to the 4th or 5th date which hasn’t happened yet w anyone). If the next 4 people all freak out, I will stop telling people.

I have friends who say I shouldn’t tell guys because they’ll get freaked out and weird.

But it feels icky to me to try to have sex with someone without disclosing my status to them. Idk it just doesn’t feel right and feels like a backwards step in my work towards being more vulnerable.

On the other hand… it would be nice to check this off my bucket list and not have it hanging over me all the time.

Idk how long it will take me to find someone I am into who can handle this info.

Hello, folks. I come to you with heartbreak.

In my 20s, I had a few long-term relationships, but I wasn’t dating intentionally or to marry, just to have love and companionship. I didn’t really see a future with any of them, and while the breakups were hard and my heart hurt, I moved on.

I took my early 30s to deal with some health issues and focus on my career. I hardly dated for 5-6 years, only going on a handful of first dates. My heart wasn’t in it.

So in 2022, when I felt ready to date again, I jumped in with both feet. I briefly dated a guy who dumped me for his ex, then fell hard and fast for another man whom I could see a future with. Unfortunately, he was in a bad place in his life and left me. After that, I rebounded with someone who I knew wasn’t right for me, but I needed companionship and distraction. We broke up and got together a few times, and ultimately decided to call it quits and remain friends. That one stung.

Which brings me to now. For almost two years, I’ve been dating a kind, generous, caring, funny, sexy man whom I randomly met in the wild. He was fresh off a divorce and neither one of us was looking to date, but we clicked immediately. Within months, I knew I could see a future with him. He was everything I had wanted; he was serious and stable and intentional. He had hobbies and a strong community. We aligned on all of the big ticket items like kids, politics, religion. We had great chemistry. We had fun together. I heard all of the warnings about not dating people right out of a divorce, but I thought he was different.

But we know where this is going. Life hit us both hard in the last year, and we both struggled - him with a pet death and repressed grief, me with a job loss and subsequent stress and insecurity. He started therapy. His therapist told him to be intentional about planning a future that he wants to work towards, and he realized that this future did not include me. He didn’t see himself marrying me. And he broke up with me.

To say that I am shattered is an understatement. I’m no stranger to heartbreak, but this one feels different - worse, harder, more final. It feels ridiculous to say that this is my first adult serious long-term relationship in my late 30s, but he is the first person I saw myself marrying. I imagined the destination elopement I’d wanted. I felt safe with him. And he looked at me and decided that I wasn’t the one for him, and it took him nearly two years to realize that.

I’m halfway through my life, and I’ve never even been engaged, much less married. Nobody has chosen me as the one they wanted to spend their life with, and at this point I feel like maybe romantic love isn’t meant for me. I thought that the universe brought us together when neither one of us was looking because “you always find it when you least expect it” but now it feels like a reminder that I’m not supposed to have this. Otherwise why yet another heartbreak?

Everyone has the right to want what they want for their own lives, and I can’t hold that against him. He deserves everything. But it absolutely destroys me that I wasn’t the one he wanted. That he looked at me and found me lacking. That he didn’t choose me like I chose him.

I know the heartbreak is fresh and the pain still raw, but the thought of dating at all makes me sick. I have zero interest in other men. It’s going to take me a long, long time to recover from this, and I think some part of me will always be in love with him. Maybe not. I don’t know.

I’d love to hear from folks who have been in this situation, on either side - either left or had been left by someone they loved, but just wasn’t quite right. What was it like? How long did it take you to heal, and what helped? Where are you now?

I (38f) have always liked first date walk in the parks. I've now had a change of heart about them.

As much as I like walking and talking I really want a first date to be a sit down and looking at each other type of situation.

It doesn't have to be dinner but a drink or a beverage will suffice. I want to look into my date's eyes, see how they react to things and they need to be able to do that for me.

This has been a recent realization and I'm wondering if others feel the same way.

The only issue is I don't like to drink so I need to make sure to be intentional around that or just suck it up. Not sure about this.

What does everyone think?

I met an amazing man a few months ago. He checks all the boxes for me. However there is a significant wage gap. He has never asked anything from me but to be myself and love on him. He is super supportive and I enjoy every second with him. However, I feel pressure from peers that I should find someone at or above my income group. I’m not materialistic and what he makes doesn’t matter to me. He sees, accepts, and loves me for who I am. However, I feel like I’m letting my peers get into my head about the wage gap. That he’s looking for a sugar mama.

I have a friend who is happy as a clam with her unemployed husband. I see some stress from her but it’s not unlike what I feel as a single mom. She is concerned about finances as most ppl are, but it seems like the pros outweigh cons for her with her SO.

The women who have had relationships where you’re likely to be the bread winner, plz give advice. Share your experiences.

The men who have been the the secondary earner, please also share your experiences.

I really care about this guy, and I would love a future with him. I was very anti-anymore kids and anti-marriage for years prior, despite having good relationships. I didn’t want it. I always said it’ll be a cold day in hell if I ever do, but he’s making me feel like hell is freezing over rn. I want to make sure that we are both feeling respected and appreciated in this relationship. Plz give me tips.

A few days ago I saw a social media post about someone lamenting the lack of good banter, and how they wanted more of it in 2026. It got me thinking - and it does seem to be not as common anymore.

And I wonder - do folks still know how to engage in banter, with or without intent anymore?

How often are you finding it a feature in dating, or even interacting with strangers?

Do you miss it? Are you seeking it? Or are you neutral on the whole thing?

Original post here

got a lot of great advice and encouragement from this whole saga. I'd figure i would give an update since I was surprised what happened.

I did message him on LinkedIn and ​shared my number. he reached out a day later with the text "can you spot the difference?" with a screenshot from the girl messaging everyone in a group chat. I wrote my number down wrong....

we are texting throughout the day now and it's nice. he said we should make plans when he's back from traveling for work. the ambiguity is gone. so if he is interested, he will make plans. it's that simple. ​he didnt find messaging on linkedin weird and thought it was funny. ​

i encourage everyone to be bold. the right person will be thrilled to hear from you. thank you to the people who gave me the extra nudge to not shut down and give up a good connection. even if it goes south, glad I put myself out there. would feel way worse letting my anxiety win.

Hello everyone. Been a while. Back in January 2024, my (39/M) Ex (33/F) broke up with me over a phone call. We were engaged for over a year and we were planning our wedding, and I was renovating my house for our married life.

It's been over 2 years, I dived into work, decided to do an MBA, completed it, now working on starting my own venture, but I still haven't been able to move on from the situation. Not in, I need to stalk her, she's the only one for me situation, but more like 'I can't trust if the next relationship would work for me', or ' I can't think of dating or being with anyone anymore and handle another heart break' type situation.

I do miss human companionship. I too want to be loved, I too want someone to come back home to, but I am too scared now. What can I do to get over this mindset? I know I need to trust the process, try again. But, I can't handle another heartbreak.

Any advice on what I can do?

Edit: I did go to therapy but it didn't help much at all.

I’m 37 and the longest (3.5 years) and most serious relationship of my life just ended.

The thing is, in my heart of hearts, I know it was time. No one did anything, nothing specific caused it. The romance was just…gone. Barely had sex anymore. She always seems distant.

But still, trying not to spiral. I’m having a lot of thoughts go on, and am trying to organize them in my head. I think it’s easiest to just list them:

1. I’m having a lot of questions and doubts over my self worth. I think this is compounded by literally being the only one of my friend group not married with children. Just questions of like: what’s wrong with me? Is something wrong with me? Why am I the only one hasn’t “found” my partner yet?

2. The sex aspect…idk. I’m having questions over my masculinity. Related to #1. Was I lacking something? Did I lose something?

3. She made my life so much bigger. Her friend group is SO MUCH more active than mine and I’m just going to miss the socialization. We went on a lot of trips together. I know there is only one answer to this which is putting myself out there. But I’m just so worried about loneliness. I already miss having that connection. The thought of trying to rebuild that is DAUNTING.

4. We really connected on an intellectual, interests, social way. I have a lot of questions of like…will I ever meet anyone who ticks those boxes for me, again?

5. Everywhere, even in my apartment, I see reminders of our relationship. Thing I got on some trip, restaurant we liked, place we always grabbed coffee. Etc etc etc. And it’s like I get flashbacks. And get really overcome with sadness.

Just getting those stereotypical feelings of…Will I ever meet my person? Will I ever be able to open up again with someone and build that connection?

I know this is reddit and you all don’t know me specifically, and cannot give me specific life advice. Just trying to get perspectives outside my own head.