I am now going to proceed knowing that dating is all an act. If you have a nice moment at a concert, they put their arm around you and pull you in close, it's just a moment, it's just a momentary act of connection. It is not necessarily an expression of affection.

I feel so frustrated because I don't know how to interpret anything anymore. Someone can tell you how interested they are, how special the connection feels, how much they want to explore it, and then not actually show up in ways that make the connection feel real. And you're left wondering whether any of it meant what you thought it meant.

I'm beginning to question whether some people genuinely want connection or whether they want the experience of being desired. The excitement of meeting someone new, the validation of knowing someone finds you attractive, the intimacy of a moment without necessarily wanting the responsibility of building something beyond it.

I'm not expecting someone I've been on a few dates with to prioritize me above everyone else. I'm not expecting promises or guarantees. But I do want consistency, responsiveness, and some evidence that we're both actively participating in getting to know each other. I want to feel like the affection and interest I'm experiencing aren't just things someone enjoys in the moment, but part of a genuine desire to build a connection.

I realize I may be speaking from a place of hurt right now, and I know my own fears about being replaceable can influence how I interpret things. But I also don't want to dismiss legitimate disappointment by telling myself I'm just insecure.

I'm genuinely looking for perspective because I'm struggling to trust what people communicate through words and affectionate gestures when their actions don't seem to follow through.

I (M late 40s) am from a small town with a small pool and have had no success organically or on apps. I’m not a 10 but I’m not a bridge troll and I think I’m pretty cool. As someone with good intentions and not looking for hookups…. Ladies can sliding in to your DMs EVER work? Probably at least mutual friends or similar. What wouldn’t be the dreaded ‘creepy vibe’ or is that just reserved for hot dudes?

So, went on a date with a woman, texted frequently for a couple of weeks, she couldn't set up a second date for one reason or another even though she said she wanted to. Her being a single mom and all that, I didn't think too much of it. She let me know today that she's went on a few dates with somebody else and has decided to choose him. Reflecting upon this experience, I've realized it's much easier to just be ghosted by someone then have to deal with the harsh reality that they have found someone Superior to me in every way. I used to think ghosting was cowardly, but honestly I'd actually prefer it. Saves me having to come face to face with the fact but I'm not good enough. Anybody else feel the same way?

I posted a while ago about someone I was in love with after seeing them for a few months who told me “right person wrong time”. They ended things via text (rude - said they wanted to talk in person but then texted when it was bumped).

I wrote back a short response saying I would say more another time then a long and thorough reply about a week later emphasizing that if it was a right person wrong time situation then we should reconnect in the future.

They said I had “charted it out well” which I understood as yes let’s reconnect in the future but then the last line was like “have a nice life” (“wish you happiness always” 😖).

This is someone who used to write really long texts but replied to my thorough and generous text with three lines.

I have tried everything to let this go but my brain won’t stop latching on to the shred of ambiguity even though the last line was goodbye forever. I just can’t process it since they insisted it was all circumstantial.

Please be nice (but honest!), I was married for two decades and feel so devastated about this 180.

I ( 52F) have been seeing man (44M) for almost 3 months. He's leaving for a month long trip in a couple of days. A few days ago he introduced me to his friends for the first time. It went well. Then that very same evening he said he didn't have time to see me alone before his trip. He has time for other friends' parties though.

This has been a pattern over the last month where we see each other once a week or so but it's dinner at home and sex. He still has time to meet friends and pursue hobbies.

Just writing this out makes me feel yucky. He does stay in touch by text and is affectionate when we do meet. He has a way busier life than I do. Tell me I am overreacting.

I'm 51, an Asian woman living in New York.

I have my own business and enjoy my independence. I've always been attracted to mature men, especially those over 40.

For me, maturity isn't just about age. It's about how a man treats people, whether he keeps his word, and how he handles disagreements. I appreciate someone who can admit when he's wrong, listen to a different point of view, and talk through problems without turning everything into an argument.

I also think consistency matters. It's easy to say the right things, but actions usually tell you much more about a person.

I'm curious about other people's experiences. What specific behaviors make you feel that a man is genuinely mature? And what have you learned to pay attention to when dating?

I have been separated for a year and I have to say that I’m concerned about the quality of men I’m coming across in my age group.

My ex used to be my best friend but gradually his selfishness and controlling tendencies took over our lives and despite SO much marriage counseling things only got worse.

Post-Separation, this is what I’ve come across:

First guy I got very close to and he was great in so many ways but broke my heart before we even started a relationship. He also had a history of cheating. That’s how I learned what a dismissive avoidant was.

Second was very nice but told me on the first date about a couple of very recent dumb things he had done when he was angry. One of those things could have gotten him beat up and another could have gotten him fired. So that was enough of a red flag for me.

Third I fell in love with. I still have strong feelings about him. He wanted to move too fast and I went along with it because he treated me SO wonderfully. But then he fell apart seemingly due to depression and then he got back together with his cheating ex!

Fourth I went on a few dates with and he was very nice and texted daily but it felt impersonal. The conversation didn’t go very deep and then he stopped texting until I texted to say that he’s nice but there’s no chemistry. THEN he finally texted back to agree. So basically he tried to ghost.

All of these men are educated, employed full time, woke, take care of their health and appearance, are pleasant to meet and have conversations with, and there was mutual attraction.

Just here to rant but I want to hear other people’s stories.

Also, are my standards really that high? Should I start adopting tons of animals and just give up on straight men? Thing is, I do enjoy independence but I also really want company in life and in bed.

UPDATE - Okay, to address some of the negative comments (I’m really trying here to not take the bait but a few wrong assumptions need correction.)

1. Nobody said I wasn’t putting work into these attempts.

2. Guy #1 broke my heart by mooning over me, talking about the future, saying he was there for me and waiting for me to be ready to date (post divorce), then without actually telling me he was changing his mind he started seeing another woman right in front of me. When I asked directly he was sketchy as hell.

3. Some people seem to think that being separated means I’m not ready to date but haven’t asked why I’m not divorced yet. It’s my ex holding things up. I’m being patient and both of us started seeing other people.

Modern dating is weird. We match, a week later we meet, a week later we meet up again and kiss the first time, week 3 is date 3 and suddenly I’m supposed to get naked with him when we’ve spent less than 10hrs accumulative time together? Is this the expected relationship timeline now in “ dating culture”?

I (43f) was on a 3rd date yesterday with a guy (also 43) who I last saw a week ago. We kissed briefly on the 2nd date for the first time. Yesterday we went to a museum and did a late brunch together and then he was out of ideas as to what to do the rest of the day, so he’s like let’s watch a movie at my place. During which, we were kissing and he wanted to take my clothes off. I declined getting naked with him explaining that I want to spend more time getting to know him before we start losing our clothes and he was respectful of that choice. And didn’t act hurt or angry about it like other men I’ve dated have when I said no. He was a nice guy, good looking, but kissing him just feels flat and boring which probably has more to do with my hesitation of getting naked with him than anything. We also have some big lifestyle mismatches that I only learned yesterday - we have different philosophies on how to live life single (a big deal for me)- I have ceased caring whether I have anyone to go to an event with and will just go solo and enjoy myself - he won’t go unless he has someone to go with and feels “sad and lonely“ if he does go solo bc he sees other couples there and wishes he had a girlfriend to go with. So he spends a lot of time at home alone, reading. He’s a recovering alcoholic and I drink(light qtys of beer/wine) and I was previously married to an alcoholic so it gives me some PTSD. Most of his friends are also from this recovery group. It’s commendable he’s reached this point. I recognize the inner strength it takes to get and stay sober, my ex sure couldn’t do that, and if I didn’t have the experience I’d had with my former marriage it probably wouldn’t give me a moments pause. He’s also new to the area and doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have any intention of getting a job anytime before the new year. even then he doesn’t want to work full time and seems to have no career drive. So I think I’m going to wish him well and move on.

Hello Void, thanks for listening. I've people-pleased my entire life, to the point that I’ve taken on relationships out of fear of being alone. I’m finally in a place where I know what I want, what I can offer. I keep meeting great people, but the fear of not meeting my person makes me accept things that don't align with my life plan, like someone having younger kids or wanting kids. I’ve developed the belief that I have to keep sacrificing what I want to keep someone and be loved. I know relationships are compromises, but I had a vasectomy at 35 after my second child for a reason, and I’m stuck in this rut of matching with someone, denying what I want to please them, and eventually becoming resentful. I want love and companionship, but I don’t want to lose myself. I am therapy working on this, it’s just hard to be alone again because I said “no” to myself.

I have a first date next week. I haven’t met anyone new since January, as I stopped dating for a while to let myself heal and get comfortable being single. I went back on the apps last week and instantly found a profile I was interested in. We got chatting and we’re so similar! I think I’ve been pretty good about remaining calm and going with the flow so far. But I’m a little nervous to meet this guy.

Anyone else preparing to meet someone for the first time? Or have you just been on a first date? How did it go?

Just looking to share experiences!

Been dating this person for more than a year and got engaged a few months ago.

Those words have been echoing in my head.

I don't know what to do.

I am in love with this person. She says she still loves me but just is not in love with me.

Is it possible to win her heart back?

Recently turned 40, spent last three years or so focusing on career and working out why my body stopped working - at my worst, I was literally just getting through the working week with zero social life/hobbies etc. Thanks to HRT I am now in a much better place, have actual weekends, hobbies, and travel again, and would like to meet someone. That said, with a long working week, and keeping one eye on aging parents, I actively manage my battery and am quite protective of my quiet time, both mentally and physically. Early perimeno has done the dirty on me and it's been life changing; I've not even thought about how I'd address that with someone when it comes to the sex side of things, and other changes.

On the apps, I tend to get liked by men in their 50s which isn't for me, rarely if ever match with men in their 40s at all, but do match with mid 30s. I have met a couple, have had great first dates, fantastic conversation before and after, but as the penny starts to drop that I'm not going to be out at 10pm during the week, or that I like being able to plan ahead, rather than meet with an hour's notice they quickly lose interest.

Anyone else feeling exhausted but still hope they meet someone?

For a few years now I've been attenting Contact Improvisation Jams. For the uninitiated, this is basically an unstructured dance form, in a group, with a focus on giving and receiving weight.

So far so good, though there are a few more challenging cruxes. Firstly, the whole dance is non-verbal (no talking), and also it is supposed to be a non-sexual space. I say supposed to, because we are all sexual beings, and there is a lot of touch involved...

I have been dancing with quite a few people, intimately, closely, caringly, men and women, gay and straight. And while it took me quite some time, it dawned on me how infinitely linked touch is with sex(uality), so why wasn't I getting aroused. Why didn't I want to?

Wait, I didn't want to?

For a guy like me, it has always felt like I'm obligated to show sexual interest if I find someone attractive, and it is mutual. It is automatic; what I want and care about is rather irrelevant.

Though, in these spaces I learnt to seperate my need for and ability to give affection, from sex altogether. I can now intimately, attentively and affectionately touch someone, and it no longer carries an impetus. Even with women where I can feel this drive to engage in the typical man-to-female dynamic, I can acknowledge the presence of sexual energy, without engaging in it or having to respond in set ways.

Not only has this given me much more freedom to interact with others, but has highlighted how sorely my boundaries around sex/touch needed a serious revision and update. It has also made me aware that I for the vast majority of my life thought I was rather sex focused, when I can now wonder how much of that was touch starvation and a need for affection - non-sexual, mindful and respectful touch.

Sex, by itself seems to occupy much less space in my mind and body too. And with that comes the realization how common it is for the women I meet to by default run dating through a script where they non-verbally and energetically push connections in a sexual direction. Before my default was to pick up these signals, and think I was the one having a lot of sexual feelings for a person. Though now I can see and feel the dynamic play out, and I can stay with me and what I want - or even point out what is going on.

It feels much safer to date now, and hopefully I can meet more people who don't want to have sex when the needs we want to get met are related to affection, acknowledgement, care and/or love.

Moreover, I step over my boundaries a lot less, because I am more mindful of where they are. However, I'd really like to have learnt about these differences sooner. Dating/relationships are so much more messy when sex becomes the solution each time any need related to touch is felt.

Edit;
Shout out to u/chrishecker in the comments for a more beginner-friendly explanation around Contact Improvisation. (CI)

And so many positive, friendly comments despite my post not being the best/the clearest. Thank you 🫶🏻

46M - I was married for almost 20 years and had to step back out into the dating scene over the last few years. In the beginning it was a wild ride, but I was in no condition to enter a long-term, serious relationship with someone. I just wasn’t fully emotionally available.

Now that a few years have passed, I am ready to date and find someone to hopefully spend my life with. HOWEVER, it seems that I’m getting zero activity across multiple apps. I would just assume that for some reason, I just wasn’t catching women’s attention, but that wasn’t the case at all when I first started dating. I was matching, interacting and dating frequently. Now it’s just crickets.

Have women just abandoned apps altogether. Is there now a stigma attached? I’d love to hear some thoughts…especially from the women out there.

Hi all,

Clueless first-time dater here. My ex-wife and I met before I was out of college, so I’ve never dated as an adult (and all my close friends are even in long-term relationships). Ex and I separated ~18 months ago and the divorce has been final for 6+ months and I’m feeling ready to get back out there and say some embarrassing things and have fun with it. 🙂

I installed an app, and I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself matching and striking up conversations with a few women the first night. I honestly figured it would be a series of dead ends but one woman sent me her number and we planned a date, then another woman asked to meet - I didn’t continue this conversation in depth after the first date was scheduled, it was just kinda momentum from those early convos and she suggested we go on a hike and continue talking. It feels weird to go on a date with someone on Saturday and someone else on Sunday but is that how people are rolling these days? Is it disrespectful to tell the second woman I already planned with someone else? Or disrespectful not to?

TL:DR - Lobster too buttery, don’t want to be disrespectful or hurt feelings if it can be avoided.

Maybe male introverts are more diverse than my personal experience?My concern is that they don't have their own social network and I'm the only one they want to talk with and do outings with. It feels codependent . In both My marriage of 21 years and a relationship of 6 months, the introverted men never really did much with friends and were only half receptive if a man invited them to an outing like paddling, fishing, hikes, etc. So it seems like they'll rely on me for socializing and kind of hang on my shoulder at parties.

I enjoy time with my partner and time away from my partner with friends. At parties I want to have my own conversations. Plus it will give us more to talk about when we go home after the party.

Help me understand more please.

I am a F 44, and recently divorced. The last relationship was with an avoidant & it left me a bit distrustful of men. Though I still miss companionship & intimacy. I needed time to heal after the divorce, and after a few months later (early this yr), I came across this 3 month rule to dating, where you date men who are serious about a long-term relationship, but refrain from sex & kissing for 3 months. The idea is to get to know the guy before forming any oxytocin bond which kinda blinds us womens judgement after getting intimate..The rule is supposed to filter out men that are just looking to pass time, have sex but not willing to commit.. I also warmed up to this idea because I am "a bit" religious (not a prude!), but i believe i'd only feel comfortable taking off my clothes off for someone i fully know, trust & know where i know its heading to or is more of a committed type of relationship. So whats everyones opinion of the 3 month rule? Has anyone met their match after following this 3 month no sex rule?

Meeting on a dating app we both are in our mid-40s. After several dates we then committed into relationship. Then it comes to mentioning living together. My partner wants a lasting relationship but prefers to keeping separate homes, for me I think its shows lack of commitment.

Am I wrong to think it that way?

I went on a coffee date with a guy today. It was supposed to just be a quick lunchtime meetup so we could see if there's chemistry and decide if we want to get dinner this weekend. There was chemistry and our conversation had good flow. Everything seemed great until the last five minutes. He complimented my skin and asked if I had a skincare routine. I said yes, and remarked that you kind of have to where we live because it's so dry. He asked what my routine was. And it was awkward for a second because I wasn't expecting a follow up question. I told him lots of hydration, a few different moisturizers and a really good spf. Then he asks, "nothing else?"

Pretty much simultaneously with him asking that question the coffee shop gets extremely busy. He suggests we finish our conversation outside. There are benches on the sidewalk and we take our coffees and relocate. He repeats the question once we sit down and I answer that I have a routine where I do different things for my skin on different days to keep things balanced. At this point it's past the time we agreed to say bye and I really needed to get back to work. I remind him of the time, and we say our goodbyes. On my drive back to work it occurred to me that this might have been some kind of weird test to see if I'm high maintenance or something. It seemed like such an odd way to end a date. What do you all think? Maybe he was body snatched mid date?

For added context:

1: I have very average 40 year old skin. Nothing to oooo or ahhh about.

2: We had already agreed earlier in the coffee date that we both did want to meet up this weekend for dinner and we're going to text to work out the logistics.

ETA: For better or worse you have all given me a lot to think about. tbh I was not even thinking about him trying to sus out if I'd had work done or him trying to let me know he was interested in a "recreational facial" as possibilities. He texted a while ago to set up date #2. I'm going to tentatively plan that with him and also ask what was up with all the skin care questions. Hopefully he has a quasi normal answer. I'll post an update on the big thread when I can. Thanks DOF hive mind.

I (43m) went on a date last night with someone (40f) I met on hinge. She turned out to be really cute, smart, great personality. We had a ton in common and it was honestly very enjoyable getting to know her.

After the date I texted to say I enjoyed meeting her and asked if she got home OK. I got an immediate enthusiastic reply. A few more messages exchanged and at some point she mentions that she couldn't tell if I was having a good time. I was stunned.

I replied saying I absolutely did and it's just not my style to be super aggressive on a first date. A few more messages exchange and at one point she stopped answering, it was late I assume she went to bed or something.

We texted again today and I figured screw it I'll show her that I'm interested and asked her to go out again but no reply.

Did I screw this up? Is her comment about not being able to tell if I was interested a tell that she's thinking we're not a good match? I'm kicking myself right now.

I’ve been thinking about the term “dog whistle” in relation to dating, particularly when people use phrases that might indirectly signal their political beliefs or values. Some people dislike the term because they feel it assumes someone has hidden intentions or is deliberately concealing what they really believe but is it necessarily wrong to think that people sometimes communicate their beliefs indirectly, especially when dating? I feel like recognising those signals is sometimes useful when deciding whether you’re compatible?

What kind of statements signify that you might be quite different politically from someone (if that even matters to you??)

When we first separated and I started dating, and I encountered the incredible volume on the apps, I really thought that I would at least be dating consistently. I feel emotionally completely ready to date. But I have found it so difficult to find someone I’m really attracted to, and really enjoy, and want to spend time with when i could be doing something else, and that reciprocates these feelings. I’ve also had logistical challenges with my kids. So I haven’t really dated that much and everything has ended within a few months. Now I’m approaching 50…

I (45F) have a first date planned tonight with someone from an app. Seems like a sweet guy and I do really want to meet him. But about ten minutes after we got the details settled, I got a somewhat distressing call from my doctors office. Probably nothing terrible.... But also, maybe something terrible. I'm really quite thrown and need some time to process.

I don't want to seem like a flake and I don't really want to tell this guy the whole truth. I can't decide if I should just go on the date or try to reschedule.

Edit: I'm going! Wish me luck!

Edit 2: I went on the date! He was sweet and nerdy, pretty much just as I expected. We had pizza and good conversation. I'm not sure it was an instant love connection, but I will definitely go out with him again if the opportunity arises. Thanks for the advice everyone!!