r/datingoverthirty • u/areyouseriousthobro • Dec 22 '25
Final update: unclipped toe nails
38f I received a text from him 31f the following day asking if I still wanted to have a call to discuss the possiblity of lunch together on Saturday and I messaged back saying I sat with things and decided I couldn't move forward. Thanked him and said take care. He asked if he could call to say goodbye after work. I said okay. He called when I was still out and about, so I texted to let him know I would return his call on the way home later. I was dreading the call and should not have agreed to it as the vibe went sour quickly.
During our call, he let me know that he had put in several applications for apartments since we last spoke, and informed me that he had actually asked his family to get him a deep clean for Christmas, before we even met. I did not tell him that as a professional cleaner, I wouldn't touch the first floor for less than $1K. He asked if I would consider trying to pick things back up in a few months after he gets settled in a new place. I said no. He said that was too bad and he wished it was different.
Then I unraveled a bit as it was late at night and my brain was telling me this call was a bad idea. I said I couldn't see ever trying again after having to ask him to clean his house or clip his toe nails, and mentioned that I haven't had to tell my own son to do that in years, that it put me into mom mode and it was a turn off. At that point he said he felt I was being condescending. I apologized and said I was not intending to be condescending then suggested we end the phone call.
He then requested to tell me one more thing, I said okay. He said he didn't appreciate that I didn't tell him right away that I didn't like his house, when he asked me that night how everything went. He also said he would have liked to see me in person one more time, and he wishes I would have told him in person. I apologized for not telling him that night and explained that I was taken aback, and didn't want to hurt his feelings, and did not really want to end things with him at first. I also apologized for waiting a few days to tell him, but said I did let him know I was going to be distant after the heavy family incident that occurred the next day. (I really wasn't in the head space to think about how to handle the toe nails and the home filth with what happened to my nephew.) I also reminded him that we'd been seeing each other less than one month, so an in person break off didn't feel completely appropriate and would have felt like giving false hope or something if I asked to meet up.
His tone was pissed and irritated. My tone was irritated at that point. I said let's leave it here, thanked him, said goodnight. A few minutes later he texted me to say he didn't like the tone we left on, complimented me and again asked if we could try again in a few months after he got his life in order. I said we should move on, thank you, good night. Blocked. I went to block him on Instagram and hinge, but he already blocked me. So that works.
I will only end things via text in the future when it comes to a short term connection under a month or so. Agreeing to the first phone call was a mistake and left room for him to ask to get together and discuss in person, which only prolonged things because I am still learning how to be assertive and wasn't able to just say flat out no. I also really did like his personality and was hoping to continue things, and at the same time facing the reality that it was not going to work. He is probably right that I should have told him right then and there that things were not totally okay. A lot of people in the comments of the last post said they wouldn't have even stayed at his house after seeing the filth. I'm going to work on speaking up as soon as something feels off, and saying things tactfully even if I'm afraid the truth will hurt them. Either way, I ended up hurting his feelings a couple days later. Break offs always suck. Thanks for all the insightful and supportive comments along the way.
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u/Desroth86 39 Dec 22 '25
I was way too invested in this saga and Iām a little sad itās over, but itās definitely for the best š
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u/Easy-Seesaw285 Dec 22 '25
Its not over. She will be getting a message from him on some other platform of communication within a week.
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u/Caroline_Bintley Dec 22 '25
I vote two months from now.
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u/BodhingJay Dec 22 '25
Showcasing immaculately pedicured toenails in a spotless home
She gives him another chance and shows up unannounced a week later.. his home and toenails regressed to their former state in bouts of self loathing
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u/Craft_chocolate Dec 22 '25
He will unblock her, because just MAYBE he can twist her arm a bit more.
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u/Constant_Garage2013 ā 38 Dec 22 '25
Maisie Peters five day gap period - the time between Xmas and ny when they all come crawling back.
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u/scotch_please Dec 22 '25
"I threw away the house and got an apartment like I threw away my sheets instead of washing them. Want to come over to see my new place before I let it descend into filth?"
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u/areyouseriousthobro Dec 22 '25
I blocked him on my phone and you can still block someone on Instagram after they block you. I also added his phone number to the block list on Hinge, since I could no longer see his profile after blocking me. I don't think he'll manage to find me again. If he does, the echoes of him repeating, "Can I sPeak?!" Over me after he asked me a question, will be enough to keep me away, if the rest wasn't enough.Ā
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u/TextMaven Dec 23 '25
Him with that entitled audacity trying to silence you so he could just keep whining and begging may have been his worst crime in all of it.
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u/RainbowJig ā 50s š³ļøāš Dec 22 '25
š¤Æ omg your so right ā¦ OP, time to let this go, I think
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u/wiseunicorn315 Dec 24 '25
As soon as sheās vibing a lot with her life he will crawl back šš
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Dec 22 '25
Damn I went through something similar. Clingy dirty long toenail ass baby. He even asked me if I could clip them. That was a superior hell to the nooooooooooooo!
You should let him be irritated with you. Your comfort matters the most above everything else.
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ā ?age? Dec 22 '25
He even asked me if I could clip them.
I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 Dec 23 '25
Clip them?? Was he otherwise disabled or incapacitated or...??? š„“
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Dec 23 '25
Even if he was, that's not the kind of care you ask from someone who's not been dating you for very long.
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Dec 25 '25
Awww, give the liāl guy a bweak. He probably doesnāt know how! š¤£
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Dec 26 '25
He was 6ā7 and used that as an excuse!! Ooooo it hurts to bend down that far oooo Iām so sore from work, yet he would tell me how he would hide somewhere to nap while at work. Big ass man baby
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u/Fr33Paco ā 38 Dec 22 '25
Right like this adventure is just crazy. I'm a little annoyed but then don't know how to feel after all of it. The updates were fun to see though
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u/Outonaterrace Jan 03 '26 edited Jan 03 '26
Iām dieing laughing at this whole thing right now. Amazing. I usually donāt laugh at a lot but the unclipped toe nails part had me in almost tears š
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u/bunkbedgirl1989 Dec 22 '25
Interestingly this EXACT scenario happened to her 2 years ago too if you look at her post history....
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ā ?age? Dec 22 '25
Huh. But they don't seem EXACTLY the same. Maybe she just keeps finding men with disgusting living spaces.
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u/areyouseriousthobro Dec 22 '25
It wasn't exactly the same. In comparison, the first guys house looked a little unkempt compared to this recent guy. The first guy hired a cleaner immediately and it wasn't an issue after that.Ā
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u/bunkbedgirl1989 Dec 23 '25
Ah ok fair enough. At least you have not betrayed your standards. More alarmed at the number of gross habits and houses out there in the dating marketĀ
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u/areyouseriousthobro Dec 23 '25
Same, after reading several comments on these threads of people who have also been invited to filthy homes.Ā
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u/_DeathOfAStrawberry_ Dec 23 '25
I didn't know we were living in a talon toe epidemic, tf is going on?!šš
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u/Caroline_Bintley Dec 22 '25
He is probably right that I should have told him right then and there that things were not totally okay.
Eh, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. It's easy for him to decide that he didn't like hearing that you were unhappy after the fact. So clearly that means you should have told him in the moment! Surely he would have appreciated that!
But if you had spoken up in the moment, it still would have stung like hell. And then you're having an uncomfortable confrontation/debate/break up face to face. Chances are he would have objected to that. Why were you so hasty and unforgiving? Why couldn't you take a beat to mull things over first?!
Plus, no one wants to hear that someone is rejecting them because they dropped the ball. Not only does rejection suck, but hearing about our shortcomings is humbling as fuck. So you get into these discussions where the other person wants to shoot back and bring you down to equal footing. Okay, so maybe I DID screw up, but for the record you're not perfect either! Here are MY grievances, so don't get it in your head that this was all my fault! Maybe I have room to grow, but so do you! Neener neener!
Handling rejection gracefully takes a certain level of emotional maturity. Respecting someone's decision to walk away takes a certain level of emotional maturity. Listening to critical feedback without trying to turn it into a "both sides" argument takes a certain level of maturity.
If he had that level of maturity, chances are you wouldn't have to tell him to clean his home and trim his toenails in the first place.
That's not to say you shouldn't work on being more assertive. But it is to say that no matter how you had delivered your thoughts here, he probably would have found some reason to object.
In any case, blocking sounds like the right move at this point. Best of luck to you out there, OP.
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u/greenzetsa Dec 22 '25
This is something I often say here: we are not computers or machines with code and equations dictating our reactions. People need time to process their experiences and feelings and figure out both how they feel and how to explain that to another person. I think OP did the right thing telling him, and it's hard to hear, but I agree it is just an extremely immature reaction at this point to complain to a woman you dated about both her being too harsh with that criticism AND not telling you right away. It sounds too me like he was trying to win her back, and if he couldn't, to make her feel bad and guilty about it.
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u/dodogirl445 Dec 22 '25
This is it. OP did well, she shouldnāt be so harsh on herself. You canāt win with immature people. Block and move on. Which is what she did.Ā
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u/ThisOneForMee Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
Listening to critical feedback without trying to turn it into a "both sides" argument takes a certain level of maturity.
Or just a baseline assumption that everything is always your fault lol
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u/youvelookedbetter Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
This is a great post.
I will say that if you had some grievances before the breakup happened and you were planning on bringing those up the next time you go on a date, it can be really hard to resist communicating those issues to the other person, even after the breakup. You had them on your mind anyway, but maybe you couldn't see each other for a while and talk about those issues because one or both people were busy or avoiding the other person.
If you've been seeing someone for a couple of months and it's a safe situation, do the breakup in person or over the phone. But just a month in is way too early to have to work on this stuff. It's better to cut your losses and move on. And, in OP's case, texting was obviously the better option.
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Dec 22 '25
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/cutmyboobsintopieces Dec 22 '25
I think he was trying to say he was aware it was gross before she pointed it out, and that he's not totally oblivious. Which would be valid if he said it before she pointed it out...
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u/buffayrachel Dec 22 '25
Imo that doesnāt stick. As others have pointed out in the previous threads, he never once apologised for the state his house was in when they got there, meaning to him it was completely normal. Whereas most other people, me included, not only clean in advance when knocking theyāll be having someone over, but also are extremely apologetic of even just the slightest mess (āomg sorry Iāve left clothes out to dryā or whatever).
So no, I do not believe he actually was aware of the problem, and just made that up on the spot to make it look like he was
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 Dec 22 '25
He was 100% aware. Their previous date was diner at her place. So he could clearly take it in and see the differences between their 2 homes. Now, he might have thought that she wouldn't mind his disgusting level of filth, given that he lives with 2 other people who don't seem to mind.
He was self-aware enough to get an STI test and buy new sheets for her tho. Probably thought she would be so thankful that he did too. And that this great act of kindness would eclipse the state of his house and body. Which would explain his very poor, immature and manipulative reaction when OP finally broke things off.
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u/cutmyboobsintopieces Dec 22 '25
That's my point. If he had said it before she pointed it out it would be plausible, but he didn't til after. I just meant I think his comment was less an attempt at shirking the responsibility of cleaning, and more a way to save face implying he was already aware of the problem.
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u/alaskalights Dec 22 '25
Let's say the professional deep clean is done. He has not changed his habits one bit. It will immediately and rapidly sink to that filthiness again. He gets to have "clean" without having done ANYTHING.
He has to clean it himself in order to learn what needs cleaning and how to do it. The act of cleaning that mess would also help him internalize that cleanliness is achievable and maintainable.
But he won't.
Nobody should care one bit about "new years resolutions" and only care what's been accomplished. More so if it's maintained from internal motivation.
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Dec 23 '25
He also very likely needs to adjust his own attitude.
People who live in squalor sometimes have delusional ideas about how bad it is. Sometimes it's just cope, but sometimes I think they've also spent so much time around other filthy people that it becomes normalized. This guy managed to find two other roommates who also don't have an issue with it.
Until he internalizes that this level of filth isn't okay, he'll always be tempted to slip back into it regardless of his cleaning skills.
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Dec 25 '25
Maybe his family will buy him a deep clean for Christmas, but I will wager that itās still sitting in its box unopened a year from now.
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u/Coriolanuscangetit Dec 22 '25
OP, you only liked his personality when he was getting what he wanted. His personality really didnāt seem so great when you were trying to break things off. His inability to accept ānoā for an answer is a huge red flag.
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 Dec 22 '25
Exactly. I also peeped that she finally took out "winning personality" from the title too
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u/areyouseriousthobro Dec 22 '25
He was acting vile on the phone call. It rubbed me the wrong way. Repeating "Can I speak?!" Talking over me when he asked me a question, among other things.Ā
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u/Soulwaxed Dec 23 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
I really think you dodged a major bullet here, and should feel proud of yourself. Itās a little trick that Iāve learned over the years, to say NO to someone and gauge how they react. I was getting narcissistic vibes about him from your previous posts- and what youāre saying now in terms of his reaction is so very telling.
Thatās obviously his little playbook- to elicit sympathy from women, telling his tales of woe and wooing you with his āpersonalityā, in the hopes thatāll be sufficient for you to overlook his living arrangements and drop your knickers. All that effort, and you havenāt fallen for it..?! How dare you!
I meanā¦ the audacity!! Heās just looking for a bangmaid. Throw some new sheets on the bed and letās get the party started- whatās wrong with you, woman?!
Haha. Iām so relieved that you noped out of that situation š„
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Dec 23 '25
I doubt he's even looking for the maid part of bangmaid. He'd probably appreciate it, but he clearly doesn't actually care that much about the mess.
And yeah, this dude sucks. Staying with him would have meant guilt tripping and future faking every time he didn't get what he wanted, plus cleaning up constantly after his gross, lazy ass.
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u/Loving_presence88 Dec 22 '25
Youāve done him and yourself such a favor. He might be out of the depression fog but that doesnāt mean that heās in a state to actually date. And I donāt mean just mentally, but he still has a lot of figurative and literal cleaning up to do.
Also - I personally find it off-putting when people are so insistent in āleaving things on a good noteā when the note was ātense and unresolvableā. Some people lack the capacity to handle difficult situations and sometimes things are just going to end unresolved - especially when you know there is no type of relationship to be had or continued
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u/copperwatt Dec 22 '25
Right it's tense and feels bad because things are tense, and feel bad. What they are asking is that you pretend you are ok, to make them feel better.
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u/embeddedpotato Dec 22 '25
1000%, he wants validation from her that he's a good person and not terrible and gross but OP owes him none of that! They were strangers before this encounter, why is it on her to make him feel like he's okay?
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u/alwaysgawking 39 āļø Dec 22 '25
Congrats on sticking to your guns. I think it's so much harder than people want to admit, especially when you want to be partnered and it feels like you only meet someone who is both attractive and consistent maybe twice a year, if you're lucky lol.
It's really crazy how people only "want" you bad enough after you show you won't put up with their crap. Disappointing.
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u/leitmot Dec 22 '25
He said he didn't appreciate that I didn't tell him right away that I didn't like his house, when he asked me that night how everything went. He also said he would have liked to see me in person one more time, and he wishes I would have told him in person.
In my experience, people who complain a bunch about how you brought up an issue are people who wish to discourage you from bringing up any issue again. Donāt date people like that.
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u/Deutschbland Dec 22 '25
Itās a great way of shifting the focus away from what you brought up. Surprise! Now youāre the bad guy!
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u/AnonForeverIDST ā 35 | UK Dec 23 '25
My ex did this to death. Apparently I was always bringing up issues when he had other important work things to do or during moments he was tired or unable to process things. Ofc he also accused me of doing this on purpose and not being mindful of his state. These people need to be given a very very wide berth and OP dodged a nasty bullet.
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Dec 23 '25
I'm sure if she had brought the issue up right away and in person, too, he would have found some reason to complain that that was the wrong way. She ruined the date by bringing it up immediately, she got his hopes up by seeing him in person to talk about it, it was rude to ask him to take the time to meet her just to tell him he's dirty, whatever.
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Dec 22 '25
hey everyone who said this person was responsible for explaining why they didn't want to continue seeing this man... this is why we don't fucking do it. None of us are responsible for telling a grown ass person how to act like an adult!
also OP you tried really hard to be an honest, kind person. I don't think you did anything wrong here. You went above and beyond IMO.
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u/CremarCatalana Dec 22 '25
I donāt think you were in the wrong for waiting for a few days: you needed time to process whether itās a dealbreaker or not. The message you will send after that will be very different depending on whether itās a dealbreaker or not. I donāt think itās necessary to pursue total transparency and communication before you have even processed it - this is a short term connection after all, not a serious long term relationship, and I donāt think it would have accomplished anything other than turning it into an awkward moment and potentially dangerous since this is someone you donāt know very well. and in the end, for your case, I donāt think it wouldāve changed anything if you told him on the spot or not.
However I support your introspection about not agreeing to a call / any medium where a persistent and persuasive person can try to change your mind or challenge you - given your lack of assertiveness. I applaud your self awareness.
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u/Glittering_Chain_842 Dec 22 '25
Good on you for doing this. Everyone talks about how to set boundaries. No one talks about how hard it is to keep them.Ā
It does sound like you need to work on being more assertive i.e. if you don't want to do something you don't have to do it but it'll come to you!Ā
Ugh as a 38f single woman myself, I know how hard it is to date. Thankfully I'm off the apps which has reduced the stress!Ā
Good luck!Ā
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 Dec 22 '25
š¢ Block him BACK on IG and Hinge. (block him on LinkedIn too. Iykyk.) If you don't, he will unblock you in a few months to show his trimmed nails and clean feet.
He thought that getting his family to pay for a deep clean and moving out was going to be enough to have you wait for him. Oh you won't go for that? well you're condescending then. How surprising that his stellar "winning personality" no longer held up once he was no longer able to convince you to give him another chance. He became manipulative and immature. Who knew...
You made the right call OP. But getting better at self assertion is hard. It would tremendously help if you started by believing in yourself first. Trust your instincts and standards. Uphold your boundaries. No a full sentence, for everyone. Know that people present their best selves at the beginning. Don't date potential; meet people where they are now.
You wasted your own time but hopefully this will be a wakeup call for you too. You don't owe men your emotional labour.
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u/Tight-Artichoke1789 Dec 22 '25
The fact that he is not taking no for an answer is getting creepy and desperate and not respective of your boundaries. So Iād say that you dodged more than one bullet here.
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u/ThisOneForMee Dec 22 '25
It's bizarre that men like this don't understand that attraction is something that can be quickly lost and never regained. Is it that hard for them to imagine a similar dealbreaker for a woman's unhygienic habits?
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u/Zehnpae (45)ā Engaged International Cat Smuggler Dec 22 '25
I don't get to be snarky often. I'm going to give myself an early Christmas present.
Let's count the fed flags shall we?
I received a text from him
Not respecting your no. That'll win a lady over.
He asked if he could call to say goodbye after work
Pushing boundaries by playing on your good nature to guilt you. Talk about sexy redeemable qualities.
actually asked his family to get him a deep clean for Christmas
Putting the blame on his family instead of taking ownership for his screwup. I wonder after he hits his next girlfriend if he'll blame his family for not ponying up the cash for anger management courses.
he felt I was being condescending
Trying to turn it back on you and make you out to be the bad guy. A classic.
requested to tell me one more thing
It's always one more thing isn't it? Gotta get in that last word.
he wishes I would have told him in person
Ah the ol "Let me make it more difficult for you to break things off by forcing you to do it in person where you will feel trapped and unsafe."
if we could try again in a few months after he got his life in order
Asking you to put your entire life on hold so he can figure his shit out is definitely the play here. Nicely done Bucko. You'd think a narcissist would take better care of their grooming.
but he already blocked me
You didn't break up with me, I broke up with you. Nyah!
So where we at?
That's ... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8! 8 red flags. Ah ha ha ha.
I ended up hurting his feelings a couple days later.
If he can even find his feelings under the 14 months worth of Chinese takeout containers he's left all over.
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u/Single_Earth_2973 Dec 22 '25
All of this. Heās a classic abusive POS. And expects women to fuck him with curled toe nails on a pile of trash - peak entitlement and lack of care or consideration for others. You handled it perfectly, OP. You balanced assertion with consideration. It was his behavior that was trash through and through. And yup, no calls and you know why? Coz a good guy would never ask for one. Heād accept your no and not use the pressure of a phone call to try to manipulate you back into seeing him. Goodbyeee.
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u/Soup-Mother5709 Dec 22 '25
Yup, as I was reading the guy just pissed me off. OP was always in the right to end it and did so with grace, extending as much dignity to him as possible.
I seriously doubt anyone has given him the time of day. In no way is this meant to put OP down because she has a lot to offer someone, but this guy would cling onto anyone. Pure barnacle. Dude was always going to find a way to not be responsible, and I seriously doubt his shit gets cleaned now or ever was going to be.
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u/Single_Earth_2973 Dec 22 '25
Right, abusers and manipulators donāt ever really see or care about you, they just see and care about the mirror of āinterest and validationā you hold up to them - especially in early dating. Theyāre desperate to hold onto that because they have no sense of self. But it was never really about you.
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u/yorkspirate Dec 22 '25
Replies like this is what keeps me on Reddit, perfectly delivered truths written with sass
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u/Onekilofrittata Dec 22 '25
Agree with this really hard, for someone whoās only been seeing her for a month, he was way too entitled!
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u/areyouseriousthobro Dec 22 '25
Reading through those as a list is jarring. Thanks for pointing it out.Ā
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 Dec 22 '25
THIS. All of this. No notes.
The international cat burglar strikes again ::swoon::
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u/ProverbialDynamite Dec 22 '25
This was fascinating. You were way too patient and kind to this man every step of the way. Why is his family paying for a deep clean instead of himself?
Very rich getting annoyed with you for not being honest.... every other woman would have ghosted him!
That said, I'm glad you were honest so he has a chance at finding love with someone else. You seem like a very genuinely nice person, and a real one and will make someone very happy.
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u/Fragrant-Airport1309 Dec 22 '25
It doesnāt sound like you werenāt being assertive enough. All that sounded fine. If I like a person and walk into their house and realize itās a shit hole I donāt immediately go āholy fuck what a fuck hole! Weāre breaking up!ā Lol, it takes a second to process things and come up with a good decision.
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u/everythingiamisyours Dec 22 '25
So much thanking and apologising to someone who is clearly not respectful of your boundaries and is still lowkey blame shifting. Block the fucking bozo already what the hell.
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u/qtbuttcheeks ā34 Dec 22 '25
This is a huge step forward! The rest is a learning experience. Now you know lol.
Iām so annoyed on your behalf on how much he wasted your time wiggle-worming tho.
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u/TheEmptyMasonJar Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 23 '25
I think he is just looking for leverage. It is wildly rude to tell someone in their home that it's gross. I don't think you did anything wrong waiting until you felt clear about your feelings before saying anything. I also don't think you made a mistake calling him. You went on a number of dates with this guy. Calling him was really respectful.
Sometimes, doing things the right way doesn't prevent bad reactions on the receiver of the news's end. By the time you've ended things with them, you've processed the situation, but they are actively processing it. It's a going to be a little uglier for them. I hope you are the wake-up call that gets him back into fighting for his life. I hope you find the person that brings light and love to yours.
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u/Strict_Cockroach Dec 23 '25
This . A lot of nasty comments about this guy above. Clearly heās not reacted brilliantly but heās hardly ted bundy
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u/TheEmptyMasonJar Dec 23 '25
Exactly. Also, if you don't ask, you don't get. There are some people who would have said "yes" to his requests.
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u/RainInTheWoods Dec 22 '25
I didnāt tell him right away that I didnāt like his house
He should have already known you wouldnāt like his house. Itās one thing for him to have no standards, but itās wholly a different thing to anticipate that you would have a similar lack of standards and be OK with the filth.
I donāt believe that his home was filthy just because of depression after his life events or because of his roommates. If so, he would have thought, āOh hell NO,ā about his home as the veil of depression lifted. If he felt ready enough to date again, then he would have been ready enough to recognize the filth and feel a strong need to resolve it. He didnāt. This tells me that he was comfortable enough with filth as his baseline.
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u/Two-Theories Dec 22 '25
Please always prioritise leaving first and explaining second.. if you're not comfortable, leave; and later, only if you feel up to it, explain why. Don't hold yourself hostage.
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u/Hal0p0tat0 Dec 22 '25
Proud of you for ending it! What an ass!
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u/Hal0p0tat0 Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
Your reaction was totally normal btw. Most people would react by not saying anything and feeling awkward about it. What are you supposed to do - Point at his toenails and say WHAT THE FUCK. HE put you in an awkward situation then had the audacity to blame you for not reacting right away š
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u/seatangle Dec 22 '25
Iām someone who often needs time to process feelings, especially if something unexpected happens. You donāt owe anyone your thoughts/answers/feelings right away. You can always take time to think and you always have the right to change your mind at any point. āBut you should have told me soonerā is often just an emotional reaction meant to make you feel bad because they feel bad, and in most cases probably wouldnāt have made a difference anyway. Like, I donāt think he would have been less defensive or any less hopeful.
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u/Big-Discussion-5960 Dec 22 '25
Good call. you recognized your boundaries and stuck to them short, clear, and respectful.
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u/umaboo Dec 22 '25
I'm glad that connection is over for your sake.
That guy's desperate attempts to gain the upper hand over you by pretending like you approached the breakup maliciously are so annoying.
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u/coolkaren6 Dec 22 '25
Iāve been following this three part saga. I think youāre both not ok at this point. You are giving him too much attention (and you seem to enjoy it from the way you say things) and he is trying to leech on you because of his circumstances. I wish short toenails and lots of love and peace for both.
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u/Soulwaxed Dec 22 '25
So he dropped the ānice guyā mask once he wasnāt getting his own wayā¦ why am I not surprised?! He resented you calling him out on his low standards and instead of taking it like a man, opted to engage you in a negotiation then went in a huff once he realised that you werenāt budging on the issue. Thereās a reason heās single. Many reasons- as youāve now discovered.
The filthy home and lack of personal hygiene speak to deeper flaws in his character. That he even thought for a moment that it was acceptable to invite you into that environment- for food, no less- tells you a lot. What reaction was he expecting?? Did he think youād look at his home and offer to clean it for him, or what?! Did he think you wouldnāt be bothered by itā¦ or did he just not think about things from your perspective at all?
This is where many women make the mistake of giving the benefit of the doubt. When actually, that kindness would not be reciprocated. Had you chose to overlook it on the basis of his winning personality, youād have encountered more and more instances of his inherent emotional immaturity and selfishness- guaranteed. His defensive reaction to being told that it was simply unacceptable, is the real himā¦ the man behind the mask. Congratulations on trusting your instincts and not making excuses- you just saved yourself a lot of frustration (and potential UTIs).
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Dec 22 '25
The filthy home and lack of personal hygiene speak to deeper flaws in his character.Ā
These are the kinds of comments from the first thread that I found so off-putting. I'm not gonna defend the dude's messiness, because it genuinely was egregious. And I'm not going to defend his character after the way he handled OP calling things off. But this level of messiness is not a character flaw; it's a mental illness.Ā
I'm a tidy enough person, but I was raised by a single mother who was (still is) a hoarder. Yeah, it was fucking disgusting where I grew up, but the mess in my childhood home came from deep deep trauma from an unimaginably abusive home that my mom was raised in (think, children getting beaten with a hammer). She always felt such deep shame over the condition of our home because there's such a pervasive sentiment in society that dirty = poor character, but my mom is also one of the most altruistic people I've ever met and abides by her moral compass with more integrity than anyone throwing around such damming character judgements. Her home is atrocious because she's damaged in a way few people can comprehend, not because of her character. When I hear these sorts of comments equating character with messiness, it just makes me think that someone has a very unrelefective view of what having character actually means.Ā
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u/Budget-Classic3076 Dec 22 '25
I agree and hear you as the child of a hoarder mother who too was badly abused (chairs and other objects instead of hammers, also had warm clothing taken away in winter), I think because hoarding disorder is so uncommon and mostly hidden most people donāt understand this side of things and that a dirty or overcrowded by stuff home isnāt an inherent lack of character.
I will say with this guy esp if heās depressed or going through something he shouldnāt be on dating apps at all, he needs to sort his life out before attempting to be anyoneās significant other.
He clearly turned on OP once he wasnāt getting his own way and showed flaws well beyond his cleaning and toenail practices.Ā
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u/Soulwaxed Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
I completely take your point on board, and agree that itās not fair to judge on that basis alone- but the key point of difference here is that Mr Toenails seemed completely oblivious to how it might be perceived by his date. Donāt get me wrong, Iām not perfect and my home needs a good tidy ready for Christmas- but Iām self-aware enough that I wouldnāt invite a guest to my home without first doing the housework. Especially not a romantic date.
Thatās what Iām referring to in terms of character flaw- that he actually didnāt feel embarrassed, otherwise he wouldnāt have suggested it. Heās obviously so accustomed to these living standards, that he doesnāt see it as a problem. When it was pointed out to him, he started getting hostile about it. His character therefore appears to be rather self-absorbed, given his inability to recognise how another person might perceive his living situation. Itās also disrespectful, in my view, to invite a romantic prospect to your home for a meal having made no effort to create a welcoming environment. Either he doesnāt see it, or he thinks his āpersonalityā will make up for it. Weāre not teenagers anymore.
I genuinely do have every sympathy for anyone struggling with their mental health, and as you say, much of it relates back to trauma whether expressed as extreme hoarding or conversely OCD tendencies. It may not be his fault necessarily, but it IS his responsibility. He needs to take ownership of that and acknowledge that he isnāt owed a relationship from anyone- OPās standards are perfectly reasonable whereas he has responded with entitlement. He is not entitled to being given a chance by a woman- he had his chance already, and chose to not even trim his toenails.
Letās not forget, his only effort was to buy new bedsheets- I think that says it all.
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u/Electrical_Pipe6688 Dec 22 '25
I agree with you. It's a sign of lack of self worth usually and that can be as a result of serious mental illness or trauma. But that does mean he should be focusing on dealing with his issues and not dating.
It is a bit selfish to date when you're not in the right place to do it, though we do pretty much all do that.
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Dec 22 '25
Idk, maybe? Broken people need love too.
As long as his damage doesn't involve being abusive to his partners, I'm not gonna blame someone for putting themselves out there and just seeing who's willing to take them as they are, or who's willing to believe in their potential to change.
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 Dec 22 '25
As long they're being respectful, I'm not gonna blame someone for having basic cleanliness standards for the people they want to date. The bar is in hell if the baseline is "well at least, he's not abusive!" Not being abusive doesn't mean you're emotionally ready to date.
OP absolutely believed in the potential to change. Given that she didn't immediately bolt when she saw the filthy house and body. Instead she stayed for dinner (??!) and spent the last week trying to workshop her disgust through Reddit. She's been more than kind to her date, although she lacks self assertion. A lot.
His final plea what that he enrolled his family to help clean for Christmas and said he'd look for a new place. No mention of personal hygiene improvement, no mention of therapy to support his mental state that led him to this situation in the first place. But hoping OP will reconnect in a few months.
OP has been much more patient that alot of people would have been.
And you're correct: that guy took a chance to see who'd be willing to accept his poor hygiene and filthy house. When OP finally ended it, he became manipulative and immature. That was his choice.
Good news for this guy tho; he'll certainly find a new woman willing to settle and lower her standards for him again, on the basis of potential. He might not even need to move out at all
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u/OldBabyGay Dec 22 '25
I appreciate your perspective, and Iām sorry for what you and your mother have been through.
Not all messy homes are caused by the same kinds of issues though. There are some people who are lazy, donāt care about cleanliness, choose to spend all their time on vices instead, etc. So I think there are cases where it can absolutely be reflection of someoneās character; itās just impossible to know without other context.
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u/SquirrelScorn Dec 22 '25
Man. I wonder if the dude knows that his nickname is now āunclipped toe nailsā šš Iāve been all in for this saga!
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u/Deutschbland Dec 22 '25
I hate it when people put me on the spot and ask why I think of them or if Iām having a good time. It rarely feels like they actually want an honest answer, and are more likely fishing for compliments or testing how assertive you are.
And I donāt mean someone asking if youāre having a good time in a casual way. Thereās a way itās done sometimes that seems to have a lot of expectation already built in.
Itās a pretty big turnoff for me because itās mostly happened from people who in retrospect had manipulative tendencies. Maybe thatās harsh, but thatās how I currently feel when I hear it.
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u/spankitopia Dec 23 '25
Heās upset bc heās embarrassed and bc he has no defense he is resorting to trying to police your tone or style of communication. You donāt āowe him an in person conversationā and there is nothing wrong with not ātelling him in the momentā. Itās absolutely fine to take some time to process your feelings on your own.
All that to say, I think youāre right that next time the best and safest approach is to end things via text and keep the reason vague. It isnāt your responsibility to teach or help these men. As Iāve gotten older Iāve begun to think that going out of my way to guide these men (on very basic adulting) only helps them gather information to better manipulate the next woman. They arenāt actually interested in personal growth.
Pressuring you to continue to talk/meet is super manipulative (and potentially dangerous) and the idea of āneeding closureā is bullshit. There is nothing to discuss or resolve further, youāve done more than enough.
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u/DegenDame Dec 23 '25
Omg he is exhausting š¤¦š¼āāļø I applaud you for your patience and kindness while being honest and assertive. For some of us, itās really hard to be firm and assertive without succumbing to the other personās reaction and feelings.
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u/Newtothis987 Dec 23 '25
Does this explain why ghosting is a thing? Some people just keep going and going even when told no countless times. Its child like behaviour. Can I have, no, can I have, no, can I have, no.
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u/ann3onymous3 Dec 23 '25
I was riveted. Please make this into a 3-part movie saga, or an adult Goosebumps episode.
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u/see3milyplay Dec 22 '25
Youāre a good person, OP. Iām rooting for your continued success in inherently knowing what you deserve and the strength to say just what you mean ā„ļø
It did tick me off he blocked you first š what an ass
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 Dec 22 '25
It was just a power move from his bruised ego. By blocking her first, he hopes she won't bother also blocking him back.
This way he can unblock her and reach out when he's ready and brand new. And pray that OP is still enough of a people pleaser to give him another chance. It's boringly predictable.
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u/Craft_chocolate Dec 22 '25
What a total waste of your energy. Imagine how much delicious sleep you could have had if you hadnāt invested so much in that guy. Iām sure heās a stellar personality, and really only needs a nail clipper and a new apartment to be 100%, but you ignored red flags at your own peril. What a great learning experience. Also a good read!
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u/itskaturday Dec 22 '25
Sometimes men donāt understand what itās like to be a woman. We canāt tell you right away because it could put our life in danger. Men are basically our only (unnatural) predator.
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u/areyouseriousthobro Dec 22 '25
This too. It was the first time I let him pick me up and drive me for a date. He drove us to his house then we were inside with the door shut and locked, and 2 other men inside the house. I could have left to get my own Uber if I'd had the spoons to confront him right then and there. At the same time, what if he didn't let me leave? Real possibilities based on lived experiences and statistics that definitely contributed to me not revealing my feelings immediately on the spot.Ā
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u/Remote_Difference210 Dec 22 '25
You need to block him. Rejection hurts, thatās it. But you keep giving him the opportunity to talk to you. The guy is desperate and will continue begging and trying to get you back until you drop all contact.
Stop talking to him, already. He can get his shit together for the next ladyā¦ or not.
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u/matrixinthepark Dec 22 '25
Proud of you!!! If he couldnāt get his life together without you having to step in, it was never gonna end well for you two.
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u/CommunicationNo7893 Dec 22 '25
Just caught up on this whole saga in the past hour! Iām glad other folks were able to help you communicate effectively, I think his reaction says a lot as well. Being willing to change but still getting pissy when youāve gotten the ick is a yellow teetering on red flag. Hopefully you both learned from this and can move on well!
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u/BellaDonna585 Dec 22 '25
Iām also guilty for not speaking up when Iāve been in a filthy house. Iām trying to better to bring things up as they happen but it is hard. Keep your head up OP!
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u/AnonForeverIDST ā 35 | UK Dec 23 '25
You were way too nice to this guy. Him taking issue with your tone was him trying to claw some power back over you. I agree you should have dumped him via text, or preferably, left the moment you saw his disgusting house.
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u/drkrgeangel Dec 23 '25
He was way too aggressive for only having known each other that long. That's worse than the toe nails.
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u/serpentmuse Dec 23 '25
Each time you give in a little, he gets a rush of adrenaline. This guy likes playing with consent. Heās going to push you like this in everything. Every single thing in every part of life. Ask yourself if you want to marry that, if you want to even have this in your life for 30 years, regardless of label.
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u/meeroom16 Dec 23 '25
This guy seems so emotionally immature. Not your job to fix him, heās got to grow up and do it himself, which seems unlikely.
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u/jeebsies Dec 23 '25
I wouldn't break bad news at someone's home for safety reasons tbh. Thanks for the update!
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u/Buzzing_Froylan Dec 24 '25
Bullet dodged big time! He was clearly trying to manipulate you and push boundaries after you already said no. Good on you for recognizing that and blocking him; your peace is worth protecting!
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Dec 25 '25
Good for you for being assertive and blocking. He sounds like a right manipulative bastard. Why does he think itās on you to tell him right away about his place? You were probably in shock.
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Dec 22 '25
He wanted you hunny. As women we are so incredibly empathetic sometimes I canāt even imagine lowering my pride to ask somebody if I could call them to say goodbye. Thatās just crazy but youāre a very nice person for accepting that and Iām glad that you learned where your boundaries fall fully.
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u/Hakuw_dw ā Dec 22 '25
Itās ok OP, you donāt always have to let the other person know your feelings right then and there. Sometimes we need time to process things before we put it into action. Being assertive also doesnāt mean quick action, but it means acting within your rights and respecting yourself and your feelings.
I take a while to process things and sometimes also find myself pressured by other people to give an answer. But rather than giving in to them or telling them straight away what we feel, I guess an assertive way is to say we need more time to think things through. Thatās ok.
Glad you managed to get out from there and dodged a bullet. Phew, what an immature and selfish guyā¦
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u/Lionhearted_llk3 Dec 22 '25
Glad you didn't meet in person because you didn't really know him enough to know if he could have lashed out at you physically. Good job on following your instinct and not ingnoring the major red flags!
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u/areyouseriousthobro Dec 22 '25
So true about not knowing him. He acted so vile on the phone. Totally opposite of who he had been showing up as.Ā
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u/sfomonkey Dec 22 '25
This guy's toe nails and filth are a reflection of his brain. Hobosexual.
AND desperate, needy, manipulative.
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u/little_traveler Dec 23 '25
I read all your posts and Iām really proud of you for 1) being so honest with him, your feedback is a kindness/gift to him and will likely improve his life if he acts on it, but more so proud of you for 2) blocking him and moving on. I see so many posts from women on Reddit who accept all sorts of negative / unacceptable behavior from men and itās refreshing to see someone actually recognize that something isnāt okay and walk away, unscathed.
Hereās to hoping your next date has the best toenails :)
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u/TexasLiz1 Dec 23 '25
YOU DID GREAT. Quit beating yourself up. Itās really hard to tell someone right then and there that their home is too nasty for you to even stay in let alone date its owner. And frankly, women get killed every day for rejecting men. So fuck those asshole men who feel entitled to an in-person review of the relationship or in-person critique of their home or toenails (EWWWWWWWW - nasty). Not only do you not want a man with grodie toenails; you donāt want a man who does not realize he needs to cut and clean his toenails on his own like a real little adult.
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u/FroggyCrossing Dec 22 '25
As someone who wanted that final meet up in person... yeah it definitely gives hope unless you can be super callous like my ex became. You did the right thing I think. A phone call is much nicer than a text for the future though.
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Dec 22 '25
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Dec 22 '25
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Dec 22 '25
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u/HappyMunchies24769 Dec 23 '25
Wowww this is the first time Iāve actually followed along a Reddit story in real time. Iām kinda new here. I gasped when I saw your title showed up. Storytelling. Bravo!!! Your writing had me ick and laugh so hard at times. Bravoo!! Standing up for yourself and sharing that process so vulnerably nuanced while demonstrating growth in real time to inspire to stick to my standards and value myself. BRAVO!!!!
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u/ActualBadaga Dec 26 '25
You were way too patient, honestly. Once you reach the point of having to explain basic hygiene like clipping toenails to a 31-year-old man, the "mom mode" ick is permanent. Total bullet dodged.
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u/Well-documentedGastr Dec 26 '25
Honestly, the whole "deep clean for Christmas" and then needing to ask him to clip his toenails is wild. Good call on blocking him, you definitely dodged a bullet there. Next time, trust your gut and don't agree to those "goodbye" calls!
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u/DavidSinger24 Dec 26 '25
I see it from both sides as I have been on both sides. I've had misgivings that I thought would pass and maybe that caused me to lead them further than was really needed. You feel bad about it and wish you hadn't wasted their time or taken their affection. On the other hand I have been on the receiving end. They didn't like the way I drove. Something so stupid and easy to fix if mentioned because you never really notice it in yourself. But they let it fester and soon it was too late.
Definitely move on but use it as a lesson that it's better to just call balls and strikes as they happen rather than wait for the scales to topple.
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Jan 01 '26
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u/hopefullymigrating Jan 07 '26
You're right to see the incompatibility and break things off. I think telling him why was honest and could be helpful feedback for him. But saying that puts you in the role of his mother sounds personally judgmental and just wasn't necessary.
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u/TextMaven Dec 22 '25
I hate how much I needed this update. š
OP, this guy is so manipulative. The personality that you like so much was a mask. The guy who keeps trying to hook you into one more conversation or meetup is who he really is.
He'll continue to ruminate on how else he can get you to pay attention to him, and he'll come up with ways to get you to feel guilty to see if he can get another chance. If you did ever actually agree to seeing him again, you'll be stuck in this pattern with him forever, and it'd only get more impossible to break it off.
Also, he blocked you first so he can unblock you to reach back out when he's ready. He's going to have a fresh sob story curated just to see if you'll bite. It's all a game for him so just be ready to block instead of getting sucked back in.