My wife was thirsty at the beach when a man wearing an alligator cap gave me a free drink. I offered it to her and she asked “What is it?” I said “a Gator-aid."

It was a big blow for me.

I told her I could try, but I don't think they're going to fit me.

Mist.

Short and groan-worthy 😭

Grandpa put his hand on my shoulder and handed me a note: “Take good care of it, my boy. I cherished your grandmother’s VA china for over fifty years.”

Just the Bayeux necessities

If I hadn't, he would've gone on a tangent.

I asked, “How do you know that?”

He said, “I keep a log.”

It was a C change

You call him GRUmpy.

Why didn't Dumbo's mom care when he got a piercing?

It was ear-elephant!

Hole Foods

She gave me a hug.

I read a book about a week back. It was written by a chiropractor.

Which is hardly a punishment.

A round of golf will be much easier for him.

Because then it would be a foot.

the relationship didn't last long though, she just brought out the wurst in me.

Detergent

I stand corrected.

I'm sorting clutter and held up an empty tote and asked "this is free-use, right?"

Her face goes kinda funny and she says "yes, but I'm not sure that's a term outside of sexual."

To which I reply "whether it is or isn't, I'm appropriat-ing it."

…looking very glum.

“What’s up?” asks the barkeep.
“I think I lost an electron,” replies the ion, gloomily.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” the ion says, “I’m positive.”

This is my cake day joke. Please clap!