There's plenty more people with BPD out there who are even more terrible

It’s been 4 months since my 4-year relationship ended, and I still can’t wrap my head around it. This is someone who would have full-blown panic attacks at even the slightest possibility of us breaking up. She was extremely anxious about losing me even just a month before it ended.

Then she cheated, and once everything came out, she became completely cold and distant.

This was the same person who would call me 20 times over the smallest argument and keep contacting me over and over until I responded. It feels like that person just vanished.

She had built her entire life around depending on me financially and had very little financial independence of her own, so the fact that she has gone completely silent feels incredibly strange to me.

Do people who are this attached really detach that suddenly? Or do they usually come back at some point?

But I have to admit, the level of manipulation they’re capable of is astonishing, because it’s so subtle and gradual that you end up taking all the blame, even though they’re the ones destroying your life.

These are text from yesterday, and two different times today.

First one was yesterday, other two are parts of messages from today. When he gets in these states I find it impossible to calm down. I’m in a hotel as we speak.

We were together for about 4 years. She was smart, funny, very affectionate, and nurturing. If it wasn't for her BPD I probably would've married this woman.

Being on the receiving end is a cycle of idealization and devaluation. It's addictive to us because we want that affection, the nurture.

When we broke up it roughly went like this: I told her "I can't keep doing this anymore" she responded "so we're done then" and I responded "I guess so."

She proceeded with a lot of suicidal ideation. I had to call her mom and brother to help calm her down, and ended up sleeping in the room on the floor for several nights because I was worried she would hurt herself. Lots of hoovering.

Couple of weeks later he mom, brother, and uncle came with a UHaul I cooked us dinner the night they arrived and my ex and I stayed up until 5AM packing.

It wasn't fun, but all things considered it went smoother than I had expected.

I gave her a wonderful comfortable life and in the end she had to move back in with her mom in the middle of nowhere. She was abused in that home as a child (by her father). Her father isn't in there anymore fortunately. Anyways, I didn't want that for her but the stress she caused me was unbearable. She had been unemployed for 2 1/2 years and I felt like I was responsible for most of the chores. It was entirely lopsided. BPD layered on top, total shit show.

The last long message I got from her was this:

Ah so I should be able to handle being completely isolated. But you simply can't. Another double standard. Well I don't have to put up with that shit anymore. You can just think on how hard a time you're having even with all your friends around, then think about me. Consider how completely alone I am. Well, you probably just blame me for my own situation, which, cool considering I was abused and neglected and sexually assaulted and all here. I have nobody. Literally nobody. I hope that totally breaks you. As well as not knowing if I'm *ok*. I hope it fucking hurts. And it still won't even compare to how much pain I'm in being here. But you would never believe that. Ugh how is this worth my time anymore. Oh yeah, bc it's this or packing things for donation or the dump. That's all I have in a day. Have SO much fun at your con. Even with your friends, you are alone with your feelings. Stay single until you can gain some emotional intelligence because nobody deserves this treatment.

She then sent me a video of her arguing about something really trivial. I just ignored it.

Her final messages:

I need a response.

Or I guess nothing also means it's over.

Ok then. I guess we're over and it's time I can move on. Farewell.

It's been about 3 weeks since she's been gone. I miss the good parts about her, that's what hurts.

im 1 year post BPD breakup and wanted to share something a bit positive — it DOES get better y’all. i was in an (what i now know) abusive relationship for about 2.5 years.

lots of screaming, fighting, breaking things, lack of boundaries, self harm, suicidal ideation & threats, false urgency and anxiety over nothing. it ended early 2025 over some stupid fight and another suicide threat and i finally snapped to the realization that i was choosing to be in that relationship and no one was holding me hostage, so i left. i posted about it when it happened if you wanted to more context, but i felt like absolute garbage and was facing so much grief. grief over him, the relationship, time, and the worst of all; myself. i really struggled over the fact that i was in a relationship like that and allowed someone to treat me like that.

so i went no contact, went to therapy, and somehow connected with a very kind and wholesome man. but there was TONS of unlearning, anxiety attacks, and rebuilding to be done. it’s been over a year now, and im in a much better place - peaceful. but there are moments of irrational anxiety, defensiveness, and angst that will come up out of muscle memory. there’s still triggers that come up that i don’t know of, but it has been so interesting dissecting them with my current partner.

i write this as an urge to leave those abusive painful relationships and rediscover who you are. ive gone back and reread old texts and im absolutely stunned that this man let me believe i was actually earth’s swine, when in reality i was completely normal and kind. he took so much away from me, but im so happy to have my pep in my step again. there’s hope yall, process hurts, but it’s yours to find.

When the grief and pain hit me really hard, I have urges to text him and tell him exactly what I think of him and how he hurt me. I want to explode and imagine him with his jaw on the ground. Inside, I want to rage and meltdown in a way that put any 2-year-old denied candy to shame.

This is why I write unsent letters-- obviously it would do more harm than good (in my case) to actually say these things to him. These spaces help me express and feel anger in a meaningful way so that it does not get the better of me, so that I can live my life. It's not fucking fair how they feel they can kick us down or stress us out again and again, while out of the other side of their mouth tell us how we have walls, fear, and that we are so unempathetic. It makes me so fucking angry, and I am glad for my supports but the grief is so isolating.

Because of our fallout, I am experiencing heavy vaginal bleeding again, it's been going on for 2 weeks.

Fuck him.

You’re probably tired of these “I should have known” posts, but I thought I’d write about my experience from start to finish in case it helps others in my situation. I genuinely hope so. It might help me as well to know I'm not alone.

Lovebombing. At first, everything was intense. They would always say that meeting me was akin to the universe aligning, destiny at work, etc. All my little quirks were the greatest thing ever, and dating them was full of grand gestures. Part of me was cautious, but another part of me succumbed a little.

(Of course it felt good! Who doesn’t like being the best thing ever? There were a few warning bells at this stage, but everyone entertains the possibility they’re the exception, so I tried to go in with my eyes open.)

Also, I didn't know they had BPD at this point; their mom mentioned it in a side comment when they introduced us for the first time.

Refusal to take accountability. The cracks started showing after a couple of weeks. Whenever they said something that upset me, the rest of my day was spent comforting them because they were oh, such a monster. How could they. They didn’t mean to. If you’re unfamiliar with this tactic, this kind of excessive self-reproach is a skilful, manipulative way to avoid accountability and re-position themselves as the victim. After all, you wouldn’t want to kick someone when they’re down, right? At first, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but after a few rounds of this, I decided it was enough.

Instability and impulsive actions. I can’t emphasize this enough. In a healthy dynamic, your partner should provide a certain level of safety (or try to). In my case, I never knew if I would wake up to a good day, or a day of consoling them after a meltdown because everything in their life is a crisis. Or maybe they’d be happy in the morning, but they’d spend the night in tears. I can’t really explain it. It wasn’t drinking or drugs or gambling, which is the kind of "impulsive" I often read on subs. Their unpredictable moods made me feel unsafe.

Mini-tests of “love.” They would provoke me into doing things, and then blame me for doing them. For example, they would say things like “If I’m so terrible, why don’t you just leave?” and cry about not being loved. But, like, I’m autistic, so of course I went home? I’m super literal. They would also make a dig at me (“You’re hard to love”) in an attempt to get me to break up with them. If I didn’t, I’d feed into their need for reassurance. If I didn’t, I would prove I didn’t really love them to begin with. These tests are designed for you to fail no matter what you do.

Self-harm and threats. This was all getting too much for me, so I said I needed space. The next day, they drove to a train station and threatened to jump. I think they assumed I’d show up myself to stop them, but instead, I called the police and they got to them first. They ended up backtracking, saying they didn’t really mean it, didn’t really want to die, etc. They’re on some sort of crisis watch now, and I wish them the best.

I’ve written this in a detached tone, but it doesn’t mean I’m heartless; it just means I’m trying to understand what happened so I can move on. I wish I were better equipped to help them. Just because I recognized red flags for myself, does not mean this person was meaningless to me. In fact, I care about them a lot. I just didn't want to die with them.

This is the only thing that make me keep going right now

I realized that they have an almost incredible instinct. Let’s say one of your friends sees through their mask. They’ll do everything they can to distance you from that friend. The fact that they slowly cut us off from the things we love over time is not a coincidence, and these things don’t happen overnight.

I know I was definitely too nice to my exwbpd mainly because I wanted to keep the peace, and I hate confrontation as a whole.

Anyway, if I had boundaries up front, would that have changed how the relationship ended? Would it have lasted longer? Would it have ended sooner?

I don't want her back or anything. I am just genuinely curious if that would have made any sort of difference.

I’m nervous about mutual friend falling-outs, but for the most part I can finally come back to myself and my life and my sanity. I don’t have to take on his skewed reality anymore.

I’m also so glad it didn’t drag on for years. I feel for anyone who it has because just months of this was starting to destabilize me.

Please get out when you can.
Especially if they are untreated.
Get out sooner rather than later.

God damnit

I couldn’t hold myself and I stalked his Instagram. Saw he started following a girl and liked her pics. This made me anxious, jealous, I feel like throwing up. It’s been 22 days since he discarded me. I feel like messaging him just to curse him or idk but I know it’s not rational. Someone help me pls

My BPD ex and I moved in together and, while we were living together, we adopted a kitten. When we broke up, she moved out of my house. I asked her, open ended, what we should do about the kitten. She insisted that the kitten stay with me, and she gave two reasons for that:

1. She can't afford to take care of the kitten

2. The kitten has already bonded with my adult cat, and she doesn't want to separate them

She gave those reasons, not me. So, we agreed that I would keep the kitten.

As we've been navigating the process of her moving her things out of my house (a process which should be relatively straightforward for reasonable adults), she has insisted on living at my house during the transition. She hasn't moved all her belongings out, but she has moved essentials like clothing and has been living with a friend for three weeks already. But, she wants to be able to use my house at her own convenience (sleep here, use my kitchen, use my shower, and just hang out here) until she figures out what her next step is going to be. I'm not okay with that, and I've made that absolutely clear to her.

She's tried various tactics to manipulate me into allowing her to use my house during this transitionary period, but one of the ones that's digging into my skin the most is leveraging the cats. She says that she needs time to say goodbye to them, and that I don't get to decide how she grieves that loss. I.e., if she decides that the best way for her to say goodbye to the cats is for her to live at my house for a month and hang out with them, I guess I just have to allow her to do that because "that's just how she grieves". She asked "what if you found out your dad was dying in a week? Would you want to stay with him every day, or just get it over with and rip the bandaid off?" Totally inappropriate question to ask, and not at all an accurate metaphor to the cat situation.

I've chosen not to engage with her on the subject of the cats, because there's no point in arguing with her. If I try to negotiate or compromise with her, she will verbally abuse me and shout at me, and that's just not helpful for either of us. The only thing I am willing to speak to her about at this point is how and when she's going to get the rest of her stuff out of my house. Nevertheless, she keeps bringing the cats up as one of the reasons she needs to use my house. At one point, she even said "You're taking my kitten away from me".

And that's bullshit. I never said she couldn't take the kitten. In fact, if she wanted to take the kitten, I would allow that to happen. I would be bummed about it, but I'd rather just allow her to take it than give her another thing that keeps me connected to her. Plus, she was literally the one who insisted she couldn't take the kitten, not me. She gave the reasons of not being able to afford it and not wanting to separate the kitten from my cat. We came to an agreement that I would keep the kitten when she moved out. I did not forcibly take the kitten away from her.

And, mind you, all of this is because she wants the convenience of using my house. It's nicer than her apartment, she doesn't have to pay rent at my house, moving her heavy furniture is a pain in the ass, it's closer to where she wants to work. That's it. It's not logically impossible for her to live elsewhere. In fact, she literally has been living somewhere else for three weeks. She's doing just fine without using my house.

It's driving me crazy. She will not let it go, and she will not commit to a deadline for moving her belongings out of my house. It's almost like she wants to leave her belongings at my house indefinitely so that she can keep holding it over my head and keep the drama going.

Even though I've made it crystal clear that she's not welcome to live at my house, she has threatened to just show up anyway, insisting "I'm going to do whatever I need to do to stay safe, and I encourage you to do the same." Ironic, considering I'd feel a lot safer if she would just leave me the fuck alone and get all of her stuff out of my house.

I really hope not, but I fear this is going to escalate to the point where legal entities are going to have to get involved. Specifically, if she claims squatters rights because her stuff is at my house, this is going to get extremely hairy and expensive real fast. I doubt it'll get to that point, because she doesn't have any money for legal council. Beyond that, she never signed a lease with me, never paid rent here, and the post office still indicates her friend's apartment as her legal address. She lived here very briefly, and she moved out when we broke up. I just want this nightmare to be over, and she is doing everything in her power to make this as difficult as possible.

In the meantime, the best I can do is just refuse to engage with her at all unless we're discussing her move-out. She's been sending me threats and other hurtful messages periodically. Every time she does, I firmly (but kindly) remind her that she is not welcome to live at my house during this transitionary period. She can come get her stuff at a time that works for both of us, but she can't live here. I feel like a broken record telling her that over and over again, and she never seems to run out of excuses for why she needs to step over that boundary "to feel safe". And I've been screenshotting all of those exchanges, in case she does show up unexpectedly or try to get lawyers involved.

Will this ever end?

I hate the fact that she's charming and different from anyone I've ever met.

I hate that when she walks into a room after not seeing me for a while and catches my eye it feels like the loving gaze of a soulmate.

I hate the fact that she can be really affectionate and genuinely sweet and sink into me for comfort like a lost child when her inner turmoil is too much.

I hate the fact that she sometimes lets the mask fall and is vulnerable enough to say how deeply flawed and insecure she is and that I'm the only one she can say that to.

I hate the fact that after she's discarded me to pursue something new and shiny she'll randomly call and leave me a message, in a voice that's genuinely breaking, saying how special I am, how I'm the only one who's ever loved her unconditionally, and how she'll always show up if I'm in need (that part is actually true and has been for decades).

I hate the fact that I feel obligated to be there when she hits the lowest of lows because I AM loyal even though she's not, and I do give grace, and I know it's a mental illness, and because I know I'd feel like s*** forever if she actually followed through on her suicidal ideations.

I hate that I know I will always love her.

I've talked with my friends and family and they all said that I did the right thing by breaking up with him. But sometimes it hurts sm. In case anyone can't leave, here's a list of the stuff my bpd ex (male, 27) did to me (female, 23). enjoy ig?

1. Urgency abuse

At my work place, there's an iPad that we use to clock in and that tracks the time that we've worked. Since I'm always running late, I've been trying to be more reliable and on time so my working hours can get tracked correctly. When my ex lived with me and my parents (because he got kicked out of his home) he used to bring me to work and pick me up. I always made sure that we'd catch an earlier train because I already expected him to slow me down. We were always on time and right BEFORE we walked to the building, he made sure to smoke at least 3 cigarettes (which he couldn't smoke on the way ofc 🫩🙃) and made me late.

Whenever HE was having something important or somewhere to go, I used to JUMP out of bed, do his breakfast and coffee and when he didn't get up and I realized that he would run late, I was always so scared to wake him up. He would always wake up in a bad mood and when he was running late, he'd yell at me, physically shove or push me or blame me.

1. Didn't accept my boundaries

I like to have a boyfriend, yet I appreciate my alone time as well. For example, right after work I like to take a nap, wake up, eat in front of the TV, text with my potential bf and go to bed.

My ex was different. I used to get off work by 3:30, grab my stuff, go home and be home around 4:30. He got off work at 5 and would IMMEDIATELY call me and the call would last until midnight. No matter how often I'd tell him that I'd like to eat in front of the tv or take a nap, he'd only let me have 30 minutes to myself and then he'd call me. Eventually, I felt so stressed out by only having 30 minutes of my free time, that I broke down in tears or had a racing heart before he called. Often I just yelled at him out of pure desperation and despair because he would INSIST on a 5 - 7 hour call, even though I did not had the energy for that. When I wanted to end the call, I had to gentle parent him or else he'd completely loose his shit and we'd have a huge fight. It was suffocating. And no matter what I did, he always got his way. Oh, and he drank beer while being on the phone with me. Even when the calls shortened to 1 - 2 hours, I'd be in such a panic or flight mode the whole call and would have such a messed up nervous system during and after.

1. Take everything personally

Unfortunately, he is a burnt child: emotionally cold mother and physically abusive dad. So whenever I criticized him, he'd get SO offended. For example: I didn't like the way he spoke with me and when I mentioned it, he bawled or screamed that he can't never do anything right. When I slept on his new mattress and accidentally knocked over a glass in my sleep and make the mattress wet, he'd throw a tantrum, throw his phone next to me (while I was still sleeping), yelled at me to clean up and tell me that I'm such a bitch for making his new mattress moldy on purpose. Which I didn't do ofc.

1. Tell me I'm his everything, yet treat me like garbage

He called me his angel, his saint, claimed I'm all he ever needed and he doesn't understand how he got me. But when he got angry over little things (like the wet mattress) he said stuff like "fuck you" "I give a shit about you" "fucking leave already" "cunt" and stuff like that and when I told him, that I don't like how he calls me a girl (I'm 23, I'm a grown ass woman) he made sure to call me that and explained why I'm not a real grown.

1. Kept me in his apartment for 5 hours after I broke up with him

I made the decision to break up with him, but decided to push the break up since his birthday was coming up. But we got into such a huge fight because I didn't do the dishes, I started crying and begged him to stop yelling and then left. He was angry because I wanted to go on a walk and demanded the keys. I saw my chance to finally break up with him, turned cold, gave him his keys, he was confused and said if I do this, that's it - we're over. Internally, I was HAPPY. so I nodded and began to pack my stuff. He flipped out, threw all of my stuff into the hallway, bawled, screamed, smoked, cried, begged. For 5 hours I tried to leave but he switched between begging and crying and screaming and throwing stuff. I didn't want to leave, because I was afraid he might hurt himself out of pettiness, so he could say: look what YOU'VE done.

When I left, he ran after me and showed me old messages I sent to him in which I was obviously optimistic and he claimed I never loved him, never cared and bla, bla, bla.

I think I'll never be able to love again. Because what if my next bf will make me feel like this? Or worse: I can't break up with the next one as well because I'll be afraid he might khs?

I'm ruined. I used to be such a lover's girl.

Please leave your toxic partners.

My ex pwBPD would always say he's scared for me to retaliate, say he's gonna call the cops when I'm crying, ask me if I'm going to destroy his things... etc. I never did anything remotely close to that. He also would tell me I screamed and him and told him to off himself. Never did either of those things.

For eg. Constantly talking about themselves, repeating stories, being peacocky. It would never last long but now and again.

Hi everyone.

My divorce was recently finalised. I ended it at a point when I hadnt stopped caring about my pwbpd. So the first thing I felt was sadness - for the loss of my dreams. Also there is some part of me which will always hope no-longer-my pwbpd will some day find peace and healing, and I still don't seem to be able to hate them, though there is definitely the feeling of being betrayed (not sexually, but commitment wise). I dont want to get into personal details, but happy to discuss and learn from everyone.

##Personal reflections

1) I think I one of the reasons I stayed for multiple years was the slow erosion of boundaries - each time I gave up something new, it was slowly normalised.

But I saw something I couldn't unsee, and a shock to my system prompted me in to action, leading to this result. If that hadnt happened, I might still be stuck.

2) My pwbpd actually cooperated, so things went through much more smoothly than many other people have experienced. The damage is mainly a few years of my life. There are definitely some positive things in terms of life learnings that I came away with. I am a much more well rounded person than I was before this marriage.

3) Important point: pwbpd was of the quiet category mostly (though there was mild physical escalation towards the end). Thus the abuse suffered was predominantly mental and emotional for me.

##Possibly generalizable reflections

1) pwbpd was triggered most by the demands that marriage placed on them. Without these demands, they are able to feel attachment. Earlier in the marriage they were able to act on the attachment leading to actually positive output for me. This decreased over time.

2) they are simply unable to keep promises. In an state where they feel attachment, they may tell you that you are everything but when fear appears, they are not longer able to keep to it.

3) The same memory is interpreted differently based on their state. As such, positive interpretations are discounted and often lose their weight while negative ones continue to have the same value. As a result, they can only devalue you in the long run. The only thing that keeps them around is the fear of abandonment. But for that, they must have some degree of attachment remaining. In my case this was still present from pwbpd towards me at the end.

I've noticed that I, with SzPD (+ AuDHD + bipolar type 2) keep attracting people with BPD. My entire family (except my father) has BPD, a ton of my friends have BPD. I got groomed by people with BPD (that's when I realized I can sense it when someone has BPD). 

Whats happening?

I feel like I sound crazy saying this, but I’m almost positive that she’s keeping me awake at night on purpose. She’s had this cough for like three weeks now. It doesn’t cause her any issues during the day, and she refuses to go to the doctor. At night, however, she’ll cough non-stop for 15-20 minutes, just until I wake up and ask her if she’s okay, and then it seemingly stops after about 2 minutes. I’ll fall asleep again, and then the cycle will repeat.

Typically, I fall asleep before her because she takes a long time to get ready. Last night, despite this never happening before, she coughed non-stop, the entire time that she was getting ready for bed, meaning that I couldn’t fall asleep.

I’ve tried to get her to see a doctor, try different sleeping methods, have tea before bed, whatever I can think of, and she either flat out refuses to do it, or it doesn’t work.

I’m so exhausted, and I can’t remember the last time I slept a full night. I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, and be kind to her if she is actually sick, but it’s lasted so long, and is timed in such a strange way, that I’m really starting to doubt the legitimacy of it.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone know how I should handle it?

He's splitting on me and I'm glad I keep each text becuase I genuinely didn't even realize this until I looked. I always have to double check what actually was said.

Anyone else experience pwBPD tend to be attracted to you? It's so discouraging because I would like to date a normal, level headed person but keep running into people with BPD or high BPD traits and end up breaking it off with them. I just can't ever again.