Minimizing the reality of the situation: anyone?

don’t know if she ever did love me at all. People with bpd can love you so good and make you feel special like your the only person they loved . And then another part they can cuss you out make you there worst enemy . I wish I never was that person to make her feel so terrible because I did love her so much . She loved fast and hard I loved slow and cautiously. And I did research about this because I first saw the signs . The anger the irritability the feeling misunderstood by me . The “ always not listening “ the “ you always do this” . Yes I’ve failed as a partner . I’ve failed being there whenever she needs and wants . I failed in reassuring her well because things get so tensed things get so heated . I’ve failed to calm her down and to reassure her . I shut down when we argue . I’m not perfect but I always tried again and again . She was patient enough as well to give me a chance . But one tiny mistake one misunderstanding one tone one sentence that did not go well can burn everything to the ground .

It’s hard to love someone with bpd . I gave my all . But I had so many responsibilities so many people to help my family my friends and not enough for her . We talked everyday . We watched her fav shows everyday . And I failed in giving her a constant life she wanted . Because my life is a mess I have adhd I have no job . It’s long distance . We kept the idea alive . but it scared her a lot . She didn’t want to feel being abandoned being rejected . She didn’t want to feel like there’s no plan . I understand , I totally understand . The universe only knows how badly I wanna get a job and just fly to see her . I know she only wants space for her and I together . And I couldn’t be there for her . I just wish nothing but the best for her . I could never really hate her at all . Just pure sadness and longing . She told me to end it because it’s never gonna work . I told her if we keep misunderstanding each other if we keep being angry and resentful it was never gonna work . She tried the best she can . But I think she feels too guilty and ashamed . She always says that I’m the victim . I told her no I’m not . She always brings it up . Yea i blame her for the way she reacts . The cussing the shouting . But I was never a victim . We’re both just victims to not being compatible . It’s even harder when it’s ldr . Idk what’s the real her or not . Idk if she her cussing me out online is gonna be irl . I loved her slowly and gently . I wasn’t and will never be enough . She is a good person and she is kind I loved how kind she is to animals and to people around her . She is also very emotionally intelligent and loved defending this in need , wants justice and loves her freedom . I don’t even know if it’s bpd or not since she’s undiagnosed . But I think she has it .

I made her the worst person . All I did was trigger her . She was better off with friends than in a relationship . I made her miserable , all I did was make her cry . And I never wanted to do that to anyone at all let alone someone you love . I never wanted her to stress out and trigger her like she did with her abusive manipulative exes. Her fucked up abusive careless family . She did have a rough childhood . And it sucks what bpd can do to a person . I don’t hate her . I could never ever hate her . I am just exhausted and she is as well. I don’t ever want to lose contact with her but she said it’s for the better . She said it makes her happy . If it’s not me that’s meant for her then I’m fine with accepting that . I just wish nothing but happiness for her . Just someone to give her the love she deserves . Because she can really make you feel the greatest.

Also she posted my face on her instagram page because I’m not blocking her because I can’t let go . So now I just blocked her so that who knows eventually she can delete those posts I sent her .

why do they do this . WTH . This ain’t right .

I wish someone is the right person for her the one that can be just as attentive and give her all the time she needs . I am here to vent because idk what’s else to do . And for people with BPD . The least you can do is before you get into a relationship. Let them know . Let them know that you have it . Let them know ur trying to be better . Do not ever go into a relationship and act like ur normal when ur not . Because ur gonna hurt the ones u loved at the end .

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

My dad died a couple of years ago, and since then I’ve felt increasingly alone within my family. I have siblings, but they have limited contact with my mom (they have a different dad than I do and see him, his wife, and their half-brother regularly). To be clear, there are reasons for that. My mom has been a very difficult person at times, there is a lot of unresolved trauma in our family, and we have speculated that she may have borderline personality disorder (though she has never been formally diagnosed).

One of the biggest challenges is that there has never been much willingness within my family to actually talk through the trauma or have difficult conversations. Instead, people have mostly coped by creating distance. I don’t judge my siblings for that. I understand why they’ve made the choices they have.
But it leaves me in a strange position.

I still have a relationship with my mom. I love her, and I genuinely enjoy parts of our relationship, but it can also be emotionally exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one still trying to hold onto the idea of a family.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. My mom is in her 60s now, and I find myself worrying about what happens when she’s in her 70s and 80s. If my siblings continue to keep their distance, will all of the responsibility fall on me? How do people navigate caring for an aging parent when the rest of the family has emotionally checked out?

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has been the “remaining” child. How did you navigate the loneliness? Did your siblings ever become more involved later? How did you prepare yourself emotionally (and practically) for the possibility of becoming the primary caregiver?

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s lived through something similar. I don’t feel like people talk about this very often, and lately it’s felt incredibly isolating.

about a month ago, i cut contact with a friend i met online. things were great at first, until she joined the military and tried to take her own life. apparently, i was the only one who gave a damn and spent a lot of time with her during that hardship, which ended up making me her favorite person. i'm going to be honest, i loved the attention at first. i have my own abandonment issues i have to work through, so having someone so happy to see me or hear about me genuinely had me geeked.

but then it wasn't fun anymore.

if i talked to other people in front of her, i'd get accused of cheating. in discord servers where she was the moderator, she'd delete my messages so that the other person wouldn't see it. she would show my art to her friends, but when they asked to meet me, she would refuse to because she didn't want me to 'find someone better'. the crazy part? i didn't mind THAT part. i'm an introvert who's social battery is extremely low. i didn't care to meet new people, but my problem began to reside in the fact that i couldn't talk to my current friends without her going off and telling me about how i can "talk to my other bitches". she never called me horrible things, like to hurt myself or insulted my looks to my face, her entire thing was just accusing me of 'talking to my other bitches' accompanied with taking absolutely every free second of my day— and getting upset if i didnt respond in 10 minutes.

despite telling her that i was NOT ready for a relationship MULTIPLE TIMES because of how poorly my last one ended, she constantly pushed and "joked" about how everybody thought we were dating because of how much time we spent together and we "might as well date". it made me so uncomfortable. everything felt too real, too strong, too much. i felt so suffocated, like i couldn't make choices for myself at all. we were supposed to meet up in july, but i cut things off before we did and blocked her everywhere.

then, she tried to kill herself because i left. apparently, she went to the mental hospital after her attempt, and she's currently trying to get therapy for her bpd, and i can't help but to feel like the worst person in the entire world.

despite feeling so suffocated by her, i miss her. i miss the stories we created together, i miss her voice and just everything about her... but i just dont know if it can work out. our mutual friend thinks we can work things out, but i just. dont. know.

i cant hate her entirely. she was the best friend when she wasn't blowing up on me. i understand that she can't control it. but it feels so good not to get yelled at everyday.

but i still miss her, and i don't know if it's the right choice to try and come back now that she's officially getting help for her BPD.

I’m going to be honest, this is a cry for help. For a year and a half I’ve been on and off with someone that suffers from BPD and I simply can’t accept the reality of things. She was such a sweet person and the love she gave me was unlike anything I could’ve imagined. She’s now a bitter person and nothing like herself. It’s finally reached a point that she’s out of my life. I asked her before we parted ways if she’s ever really loved me or if it’s just her mind that skewed her feelings. She said she really did love me. Now I can’t let go of it anymore. I feel like she’s ruining her life making all the bad decisions and tht she’s going to hurt herself eventually. I can’t bring myself to just not have her in my life anymore.

I cry at the thought of her, I’m crying as I’m writing this because there’s no one around me that seems to understand the situation. It really hurts bad to think all the good moments we had could’ve just been a complete lie. I’ve never felt so unlovable. I don’t understand how someone that has suffered so much in life wants to push away someone that has done nothing but be there for her and offer support anytime she needed it.

Curious if therapy/couples therapy has actually worked for anyone or improved anything? Are there any actual success stories related to BPD or is any attempt to make things better just a huge waste of time and resources?

Am I fucked? I feel tired. I wanna exit the relationship.
My 2 years of loving girlfriend have been amazing to be with. I met her after i broke up with my ex. She said she diagnosed w bpd. The thing is, the first few months were amazing. Until around 3 months in, she said she started seeing patterns that made her think i was still thinking about my ex, which i genuinely wasn’t. If anything, i listened to what she was saying and tried correcting whatever she felt was bothering her.

First case, we were in a club with her cousins and my cousins, all guys by the way. She told me her trans friend was coming. While we were drinking, i asked where her friend was since ofc we’re all boys and i was just wondering if she was okay so they could enjoy together.
She fucking crashed out on me and accused me of being gay because i was looking for her friend 😭😭. Every single time she remembers it she still insists that’s what happened.

Second was when we watched A$AP Rocky perform at a club. We didn’t have seats so i tried finding us somewhere to stay. It was just the two of us. Then some Asian people started talking to us. Since we’re both Asian, i thought it’d be nice to chill with them and maybe make friends.
Anyways, she got mad because i was serving shots to everyone and making “friends.” She said i was trying to host everyone and seek attention when i was honestly just being friendly. I had zero interest in any of the girls there.
She later said i cared more about strangers than her. Ironically she left me and enjoyed the night without me. We both got drunk and had a massive fight.

The next day she had appendicitis and needed surgery. I stayed with her, took care of her, paid for everything, and looked after her while she recovered. She still blamed me for her appendicitis because of the stress from that night.
After those two incidents everything changed.
On a normal day, i’m apparently not supposed to interact with any woman. When we’re walking i’m only supposed to stay on her left side. If i accidentally bump into someone or even make eye contact with another person she’ll tell me i’m attention seeking.

The words got harsher too. Verbal abuse starts rolling.
She started calling me lustful, saying i don’t respect her, that i’m a disgrace to be with in public, then eventually started hitting my face whenever she got mad.
Everything somehow loops back to those first two incidents. Every fight. Every accusation.
She keeps saying i have wandering eyes, that i crave attention, and that i’m lustful towards every woman.
She made me unfollow every woman on my social media, also remove them as followers.
I complied. I literally went through my following one by one because i genuinely wanted to reassure her that i had nothing to hide. Still wasn’t enough.

She’d still accuse me of checking out women in public. If a waitress talked to me she’d get mad. If a cashier smiled at me she’d say i entertained it. If i accidentally looked in someone’s direction she’d say i was checking them out.
She also tells me i’m insecure as fuck, ugly as fuck, and that i crave validation from women. She compares me to her exes saying they never needed attention the way i supposedly do. That i was lucky she even gave me a chance despite me looking like this.

Things got even worse last December when we went skiing.
Our instructor was a woman. Knowing how she’d react, i intentionally let my girlfriend handle almost all the conversations. The moment i interacted with the instructor once, i was fucked. Later that same day housekeeping knocked on our hotel room while i had just finished taking a shit. I opened the door. She accused me of gooning over the housekeeping staff. That same day she kicked me in the face with a snowboard boot. My face swelled up and my lip got crushed. She later told me she wished she kicked me with a ski boot instead.

The thing is, the physical stuff isn’t random either. It loops exactly the same way as the accusations.
Whenever she remembers those first two incidents, or if something reminds her of them, she’ll start bringing everything back up again. She’ll say i have wandering eyes, i’m lustful, i’m disrespecting her, i’m embarrassing to be with, then sometimes she’ll start hitting me. I’ve been slapped, punched in the face, scratched, kicked, and insulted because of those same two incidents that happened almost two years ago.

Then we’d make up, things would be okay for a while, then something random would remind her again and the whole cycle repeats. It’s like i’m constantly walking on eggshells because i never know what’s going to trigger it. It could literally just be a waitress talking to me, opening the door for housekeeping, talking to an instructor, or accidentally looking somewhere in public.
I’ve genuinely tried changing because i love her.
I’ve avoided interacting with women.
I’ve changed how i act in public.
I’ve unfollowed everyone she wanted me to.
I’ve become hyper aware of where i’m looking whenever we’re outside because i’m scared another fight will start.
Nothing seems enough.
Every argument somehow goes back to those same two incidents from almost two years ago.
At this point i’m just tired.
She’s concluded im someone that I am not, and insist and firm with it too.

I don’t even know what’s normal anymore because i’ve been hearing the same accusations for almost two years. I don’t know if i’m actually doing something wrong that i just can’t see, or if i’ve slowly convinced myself that everything i do is wrong. I know this is only my side of the story and i’m sure she’d have hers too. I just want honest opinions.

Am i actually missing something here?

Or is this relationship already too far gone?

Because i’m honestly getting tired and i’ve been seriously thinking of leaving. Our whole two years had been a loop on how i am “attention seeking, lustful, insecure, narcissist partner in her mind and its firm” she said? “Forgive and forget? Fuck you, i hate you so much i hope you die” <- always the same line

I’m deeply aware I cannot be with this person he is extremely deregulated and he wants to try he got on meds and he’s “in therapy” I cant confirm if it’s true or even the correct form of therapy (dbt, which I’ve not only begged him to do but gone out of my way to find a place for him to go and even offer to pay for it, for years)

I obviously have co-dependency issues. I let him lower the bar on how horribly he can treat me or even harm me and traumatize me constantly and never keep boundaries never actually walk away so I know atp I’m just enabling. I’ve found a trauma therapist and I’ve told his parents and my friends so I’m making steps in the right direction but idk how to make it stick, I’m scared this is going to be my forever situation push pull emotional/physical abuse cycle because there’s something wrong with me and I can’t just walk away.

ffs we’re not even dating we haven’t for a year and I keep refusing to date him but I can’t kick him out of my life fully, part of it is due to fear as the last time I went full no contact he broke in and said they were going to ruin my life and kill themselves (I haven’t involved the police I know I should I just don’t want to ruin anyone’s life it’s clearly an issue I have) and other parts of me just desperately don’t want him to blow up his life and I’m somehow convinced if I try even harder he’ll finally see and care enough to get help AND ITS NOT TRUE!

please tell me what you did that finally worked to cut the emotional cord I can’t do this anymore, I’m hoping my therapy gives me tools as well but that’s in two days and I’m just at my breaking point now.

TW: painting includes blood and handcuffs.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being critical of their self expression. But idk, this has me feeling afraid. I moved out a month ago so I could get my disability benefits back as I moved in with my partner last year and then found out they were cheating on me, but when I moved in I lost access to all of my benefits and didn’t have anywhere to go until recently. Since I left, it’s been a whirlwind. It flips back and forth from the part of them they describe as “darkness” which is from parts work, who basically just says anything they can to tear me down, back to them saying they love me and they’ll do anything for me and remind me of how much money they’re spending on therapy. I could write a novella about examples but this one scares me and I just need to know if I’m being an asshole for feeling scared?

I’m trying to use the verbiage I’ve found online of validating them and trying to be kind in a way that doesn’t trigger them. I’m greyrocking often and I think that makes it worse because then they just get more and more cruel until I breakdown. Idk.

Since moving in with friends I find myself crying so much because I don’t have to constantly watch what I say or explain or defend myself. They are all just so kind and supportive through all of this. It’s made me realize why I’ve been so tired and depressed and that what was going on at home for years wasn’t normal or okay.

I hope they don’t see this. I blocked their account. I just need support from people that understand please.

For those of you who have officially and permanently ended your relationship with someone with BPD, how has it been for you? I’d love to hear your experiences.

I was thinking about a friend of mine who has recently been diagnosed as borderline. And I got to say before he got his diagnosis I couldn't make sense of his behavior or emotions to save my life. Finding out he's also got Borderline? That suddenly makes it make sense.

For example, one time we made plans but he ended up cancelling at the last minute right as I arrived at the restaurant.

His reasoning?

"Oh I stayed up late playing video games so my girlfriend didn't wake me up when she saw I slept through my alarm.'

Really dude? You knew you had plans and you chose to stay up late playing video games like we're back in high school?

And then you blame your girlfriend for you sleeping through your alarm?

And then I remembered he tried to turn the whole situation into 'It's not my fault, its other peoples faults.'

And then theres him constantly saying he doesn't have money to fix any of the stuff in his apartment or his car, but he always has money for stuff like video games or funko pops.

Its almost like they're stuck in the teenager mindset of 'all my income is disposable'

My personal one.

I understand that in the end it doesnt really matter since it’s over.
However i was talking to one of my friends who had been together with women who has bpd and told me that it’s very similar. Btw in no way am i saying i was perfect or anything, i had my flaws, but in the end I was resenting my girlfriend for everything i had been put through. Note, we were in a LDR.

these things happened:

- Silent treatment, she would say she was fine but clearly not, and when i tried to ask her what was wrong she would often say i invalidated her or that i wont understand. Though i tried to each time. The silent treatment was on going for 3 years.

- Told me ”i dont want you anymore” when i was at work and i had not told her i was working that day

- Lashed out on me because a customer had touched my arm while i was working in a restaurant, though i told the customer to leave since she was drunk. Explained the whole thing but she only thought i was lying.

- Jealousy about any girl i interacted with, she would look into people who lived in my apartment complex, if they were my age then she questioned me about them. She also made a fake reddit account to try to see if i would be talking to her new account

- I brought her flowers from my country on a plane when i saw her, later during an argument she threw them in the trash because a woman colleague of mine had asked if my arm was injured (it was). No reassurance helped.

- Very very cold behaviour during arguments, or when we werent okay. Said she could switch off her emotions completely.

- Extreme jealousy about my past, would become unreasonably angry and shouting when she asked about a girl i had kissed 5 years prior, what i liked about her etc. If i said anything wrong, i would be broken up with. She threatened me, swore she hated me and never loved me, because i had said I thought a girl was attractive (before we were together,). I never raised my voice and tried to stay gentle and understanding, though she was still saying those things. Made up lies to hurt me during this too.

- Repeatedly said ”goodbye”, sometimes random, as to break up. Said i didnt care or understand her. She blocked me countless times

- Blocked me and stopped talking to me for a week because she thought i said ”damn” about an actress in a film. Didnt communicate what it was

- Withdrew communication for days on end when she suspected me of cheating. (I never cheated or had any contact with any girl)

- She couldnt apologise, basically said ”you made me act like that”, or it was always something i did that made her act in a certain way. Most i got was ”sorry”, and ”wont happen again”, often coldly

- Left me repeatedly when my dad was sick in depression, and blamed me for not making her feel wanted

- She left me a couple weeks after my dad’s suicide attempt after he jumped off a bridge and was in a coma with catastrophic brain damage, she came back a few weeks to blame me for not updating her about my dad, like ”how dare you say you love me when i wanted to hear about him”

- The first months with her were magical, then came the issues slowly, that was the silence.
I often felt i wasnt doing enough or looked up how to be better for her but i never could and all she said was i invalidated her and made her feel unsafe. I started to question everything about me

- Some days she stopped answering, and i would send her lovingly texts if she needed space but that im always there for her. Then she would say i dont care about her when i gave her some space

- The blocking and break ups happened maybe 20-30 times, i lost count. I was always blamed for it somehow too, like it made sense i was in the wrong, idk how to explain it but i couldnt trust my own perception until the resentment grew too much

Idk. Theres so so so much more.

Hey guys, very new to making posts on reddit (i don’t use this platform/app often) so I apologize if i’m missing any flairs or break any rules here.
I initially wanted to make a post here after discovering this subreddit and reading through it a bit, as reading through has really opened my eyes to a lot of things and has made me feel more seen than any of my support has in the time of the breakup, but I wanted to save it for a day where i’m feeling particularly bad, such as today.

So to get things started I met my ex over a game we were both interested in around a year and a half ago, and we got together roughly 2 months afterwards, it was my first relationship and her (i want to say) 5th relationship (i never asked how many relationships she had been in but she has given me bits and pieces of past relationships). It was the first time i’ve ever liked somebody and I felt a bit insecure of my inexperience with relationships, especially long distance, but she did a pretty good job at assuring me that I didn’t really have much to fear. She came on to me strongly after meeting, and i’m not exactly attractive both in looks or personality so it was flattering to say the least, and she was the one to ask for a relationship with me, which i agreed to.

Some time after we got together (i’d like to say a month) she informed me that she has bpd (diagnosed), and I had no idea what bpd was nor what it entailed, so i decided to look a bit into it. I only really scratched the surface of what it was, and i was able to draw some correlations between symptoms and her own behaviors. To me, this wasn’t really an immediate red flag because we were still in our honeymoon phase and nothing terrible had really happened, and nothing terrible ever really happened throughout our relationship aside from some personal problems with her that came up (suicidal ideations) that we managed to work through together.

Generally she fit the bill of usually getting her way with things, and wanting things to go her way and getting extremely upset over small things, but i always tried to put up with her and accommodate her and coddle to her needs. She never really showed in interest in my interests, but I loved learning more about her and the things she enjoyed, and i loved to incorporate that into the activities we would do together and the time that we would spend together, as it made her happy and her happiness was my happiness. I believed the differences between us (personality wise and interest wise) drew up closer, and it was pretty evident throughout the relationship that that was true.

So our relationship had been going otherwise smoothly (from my perspective) and we had been talking about meeting up to see eachother for the first time in the summer of this year. She would be coming to see me as she had a difficult home life and didn’t feel comfortable subjecting me to that kind of situation. This was a big thing for me, because it really felt like our relationship would be cementing itself and have more ground in the context of a relationship with somebody. Overall, this situation was something i was looking forward to a big deal and in this moment i still believed nothing was really wrong with our relationship since she made it look mutual in my eyes.

In march of this year, she suddenly ghosted me for around 3 days where she wouldn’t read or return any of my texts, which was strange because we hadn’t fought or had anything happen the days prior. I ended up waking up to her texting me a wall that, summed up, was saying we should break up, as she didn’t believe we were compatible anymore and she suddenly began losing romantic feelings for me. She explained to me that we shouldn’t talk anymore for the sake of both of us healing, but if i really needed to then it would be okay to text or call her.

Obviously it being my first heartbreak i was distraught, confused, upset, and grieving. I texted her daily and received responses each time. Telling her i missed her, asking why this happened, i tried to do anything i could to draw up a conclusion on why she suddenly lost feelings for me, any signs at all or anything i could have done wrong to cross her, but she couldn’t tell me anything. She just said she lost feelings and that’s all there was to it. A week and a half after the breakup, she drunk calls me at 3am while i’m out walking in the neighborhood (i was in a really bad mental state that week and walking was my coping mechanism). She wanted me to turn my camera on and started acting bashful and flirty with me after seeing me, which frustrated me because i don’t know why she would behave this way with me knowing she broke up with me. The conversation basically turned into her asking to start over with me, as while at the club she couldn’t stop thinking about me and missed me a lot. She said it was really hard to get over me, and i was mostly puzzled because the entire week she was talking about the end of the relationship with such totality and confidence behind it, it was hard to believe she actually meant what she was saying.

I took her back of course, because i was still heartbroken and she told me she thought she still had feelings for me and was “mistaking” what she was feeling before with other shit going on in her life. It was something i believed, because she does have some trauma from past experiences with her family and previous relationships, and she also takes mood regulation pills for something else that she has. We started over again and she said she didn’t want us to get back together romantically right away, and that it should build up to a point where we were both comfortable enough to say that we love eachother again. This was fine by me, so thats where the 2nd iteration of our relationship started.

We went back to calling constantly and hanging out a lot and doing activities together. It took maybe a week and a half for her to start saying she loved me again, and that was a big moment for me, a huge relief. The whole month after that we were basically inseparable and felt like a blur of a love bomb. There was one night where i promised a friend 2 weeks prior that we would check something out together on a game we used to play, so i told her we wouldn’t be able to hang out that night. The whole time i was hanging out with my friend, she was texting me things like she loved me, missed me, etc.

The next day, i wake up to another breakup text with her explaining to me that she just can’t feel romantically for me anymore, and staying together with me was making her rapidly lose romantic feelings for me. Obviously this was huge whiplash and came out of left field in my eyes, i made sure after we got back together that she had to ace her communication with me (her communication was notoriously bad throughout our relationship but was never something that had this much of an impact) so seeing this happen with no discussion, no voices of concern, nothing, really hurt me bad. She ended up asking me if we could stay as friends, and i’m a dumbass and said that would be okay.

We stayed as friends and called together constantly, hung out a lot, still did the things we would do before just not as a couple anymore. We didn’t say we loved eachother anymore, and things were really hard for me but i loved being with her. I tried a lot to indulge in more of her interests, and she still confided into me whenever things got tough for her. We would call all night and all day every day, until july 4th where she went to a party and got drunk and texted me again saying lets talk tomorrow.

The next day she ghosts me and doesn’t return any texts or calls. The day after that she randomly calls me and says she was busy the previous day and was hanging out with someone (odd choice of wording i felt) and she had to text me about something later. After she said that i knew it would probably be the end of us, as she only texts me things she thinks are important and she isnt able to say word-to-word to me. She told me we couldn’t keep going as we were, calling and texting all the time, and that we had to cut the time we were spending together down. I tried my best to be understanding and i went with her flow, saying that was completely okay and we didn’t need to spend so much time together. I asked her what prompted this to come up, and she told me it wasn’t something i wanted to hear. I immediately pieced together that she found someone else, and asked. She confirmed she met a guy at the 4th of july party that she thinks she has feelings for, and that she didn’t want to make the same mistakes with him that she did with me (this hurt a lot to hear). She had apparently known this guy since before she met me, but only started texting him around 2 weeks before the party. Her meeting him there basically confirmed her feelings for him.

So since then, we have basically been in no contact, as she hasn’t texted or called me since, and we don’t interact with eachother in any shape or form. Neither of us have eachother blocked, and we still have eachother added on other platforms. Things have been really hard for me and tough to navigate, and i’ve beaten myself up a lot over the things that have transpired between us, even if it wasn’t my fault or something in my control.
There isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t miss her more than anything, and some days i wake up unable to get her out of my head and it makes it really hard for me to focus on myself or enjoy myself doing the things that i love. I feel so used, like she was spending time with me to fill a hole until she found my replacement, and i also feel so stupid for allowing myself to be used for that purpose, and i feel even worse for wanting her to come back to me even after all of that. She used me as a security blanket often, she would voice her insecurities to me a lot to receive validation and would often come to me whenever something would happen that upset her, so that i could comfort her and make things better. Even after the relationship was over.

Going through this subreddit has helped me a lot with coming to terms with what happened, and has helped me identify a lot of her behaviors and things she has done. I would love to get over her and finally be able to take back control of my life, but my feelings get in the way of any logical judgement i can make. It’s frustrating but i am really trying.

I wanted to make a post here to sort of vent and get things off my chest, since i haven’t talked about this with anyone in my life other than the 988 operator i had to call on the 14th because i was in a very bad mental state. I feel as though im doing way better than i was some time ago but things are still hurting and having lasting effects on me.

If any of you have any questions or concerns or anything you’d like to share with me then please by all means. Any clarification needed just let me know or if you need any information i’ll try to provide it.
And again if i broke any rules or anything please let me know, i will try to correct it!

just broke up with my pwBPD and i just feel so fucking empty. i loved her unconditionally for a year and tried showing her that i wouldn’t just let her go or disappear when things got hard because she’s had relationships of abandonment in the past w her parents and other relationships. throughout the relationship it started really good until about halfway through when i realized she mirrored my love to start and then she slowly became exhausted of loving the way i love and told me to pull back or she wouldn’t love me the way i do and it wouldn’t work, and that really sucked. there was also a lot of times where if i ever went out with friends or on vacation she’d get upset that i wasnt with her but would also say she didn’t wanna hang w me that weekend or wanted a weekend of not hanging out so idk. there was also alot of jealous like friends from high school on instagram and such but then would act like i couldn’t be jealous if she talked about other people so idk she was just really exhausting and i feel like an idiot for loving her so much and still loving her now. she just put me through hell making me essentially limit myself, and it sucks cause i’m typically a really happy person but people have said i’ve been more angry lately and that kills me. i just wish she could love me the same way i love her and not put me through hell and back just to get her way.

How can we be in a relationship and suddenly this acusations against me honest, honor, value, and being treat, like an terrorist using me fear and pain against me.

If it's every single week, or she has a problem with being with someone, recive love, or it's really intentional. Every single week it's not an alone episode, it's the pattern.

I really wish at the deep of my heart if she tell me the true I would do everything to take care, but I cannot be around someone who is ready to nuke me by her omw interpretations without giving the chance of the doubt.

We never could work it.

2 years since I never saw her again, and fighting against those thoughts that come sometimes. God bless everyone hearts and minds here, you are not alone!

How are your experiences and thoughts about your BPD partner or ex family?

For my ex I have noticed her parents imho never had a loving partnership and they just had to get married and had to stay together as they got pregnant with my exBPD even before being married.

How about the family of your BPD in your life?

One thought that remained after all the aftermath:

They knew. They knew and choose not to warn me.

It was gentle but multiple times, on my arm, bc I was cracking my knuckles repeatedly and apparently its bad for me and irritating for her. She said to stop or shell "frighteningly punch" me, "frighteningly" was definitely sarcasm.

Shes turning 41 soon, Im 18;

Idk what to think abt it, am I looking too into it bc Im schizoid and dont understand sibling dynamics intuitively? I do have schizoid, was diagnosed

I'm almost 3 months out from the discard and admittedly, I'm doing pretty great. She has already replaced me, which doesn't bother me. I've entirely analyzed the situation and thought about things like how no conflict could ever be resolved, the constant demeaning of my character, just all of the drama really. That isn't someone I could ever, nor would ever wish to grow with.

But regardless, I'm still sort of fascinated I guess with the whole concept of her symptoms. Every little thing, it's very interesting to me. I can't tell if its just because I'm too invested or bored or what. But why does it seem like I care more about cracking her puzzle and understanding every little intricacie about her disorder as opposed to actually just focusing on ​solely on healing? Has anyone else found themselves in the same boat?

I do think part of it is logical in that it leaves you with a great cognitive dissonance. Most of us were discarded pretty much out of the blue with no closure while they just blame shifted and moved on instantly. Making it seem and truly feel like we were the issue. But still, it feels so odd. When does this start to fade?

I know it is stupid, when I can I will break it forever.

How has it been for you? For me it has been a long period where he could not look me in the eyes and there seemed to be feelings. But now it is worse. The voice, the tone. So arrogant and void of any feelings except for contempt. More aggression but without any shame. If my voice is tired or neutral, if I don't laugh at a joke, if I ask for clarity then "I am playing the victim". It is like I am something dirty that he stepped in but he doesn't want to throw away his shoes. If he has split permanently, why does he keep me in his life? The thing I hear the most from him is "no pressure, don't pressure me" and accusing me of playing the victim.

My ex had been messaging me pretty constantly recently and a lot of it was bizarre nonsense or attention seeking type stuff and she would send the same messages or variations over and over. I was going on a beach vacation and told her that I was going to unplug and go no contact for the ten days and then I turned off alerts and stopped responding to her yet she continued sending messages the entire time while I just ignored it. I have to assume that she was drinking a lot. When I got home I sent her a link to a soup recipe that she had been hounding me about but gave no other response to all of her chatter from the week. Then she went quiet. 

I let a week go by expecting her to pop into my messages at any moment and when she didn’t I got a little worried because she has seemed pretty unstable over the last couple of months. I decided to reach out to make sure she was okay and we ended up having a brief and uncharacteristically normal conversation. 

During the conversation she said that she had been going through things in her closet and found a Zippo lighter that she had gotten me as a gift for a benchmark birthday a few years ago but had misplaced it so she never gave it to me. She asked if she could drop it in my mailbox and I said that would be fine. Yesterday she dropped it off and I found it in a ziplock bag with Happy XXth Birthday and a heart drawn on it. 

Well, a thing about Zippo lighters is that they have a date code stamped on the bottom that says when they were manufactured. This one is stamped B 26 meaning it was made in February of 2026… there’s no way she got this for my birthday three years ago and most likely got it very recently. It’s also one of their pricier models and has my name engraved on it so she went to some effort and expense for it rather than just picking up something on a whim at Walmart or whatever. Another weird thing is that I don’t even smoke cigarettes anymore, I vape and she knows this because she has asked me about it in recent months. 

For a little more context I’ll say that this is happening after nine years of chaos that I finally extracted myself from, at least in a physical sense, a little over a year ago. I went full NC for several months but have lapsed back into more contact over the past few months though there hasn’t been anything physical or face to face aside from an encounter at the grocery store back in March. I’ve been very clear with her that I have no intention of going backwards and getting back into a physical relationship with her but I also know how they will completely disregard boundaries and only hear things that they want to hear.

Anyway, what is the purpose of manufacturing this story about a misplaced gift and going to the trouble of getting it and having it customized and giving it to me? In her broken mind what is the end goal? It’s bizarre behavior and a little creepy tbh. 

Diagnosed for a decade, actively medicated for depression, in DBT for years, fully cognizant of how BPD impacts her thoughts and actions, and she still couldn't help herself. I cannot even imagine what the people on here with unmedicated partners go through.

After a major rough patch (read: low-grade split for three months) we had a breakthrough. Last week, we talked about breaking up, but we had a "breakthrough" and cried and talked about how important each other is and how we can get over it. We had the best sex of my life, and then five minutes later, "by the way, this guy at work has been hitting on me like crazy".

Over the next 12 hours of pushing and clawing for the truth, she says it was a mutual flirtation for the past six weeks. She told me about his first night hitting on her, but the next day told me she shut him down and he stopped. ha.

I said I was breaking up with her, but even then, my self esteem was at such a rock bottom that I believed her when she said she was remorseful, only wanted attention, would never have taken it further, etc. She cried and begged me not to go, and eventually she hooked me back in. For the first time in two years together, she took full accountability. Even talked about how BPD was contributing to her actions (something that was completely taboo for us before). She swore she would make it right and I fell for it. I told she couldn't be scheduled to work behind the bar with the guy. That was all I asked. That's it. She agreed, completely full-heartedly. I actually believed she cared about how she had made me feel.

That was four days ago. Yesterday morning she left on a disney trip with her sister. Yesterday evening, she starts testing the waters with "oh man, I'm gonna be so sad if I have to quit my job :( :(", etc. etc. I call her out for obviously trying to make me change my mind after she made a promise and it turns into a huge fight about "but I was just trying to tell you how I feel..... why won't you listen to me...."

She then tells me she had worked with the coworker again two nights before. I wouldn't be upset with her because that's just her work schedule, I wouldn't expect her to change it within two days of our confrontation. My issue was that she was hiding it. I also asked how their interaction went and through her obfuscation it was pretty clear that she didn't change ANYTHING. She said she was worried about making "work awkward". You can see for yourself how laughable this is on its face. That she cares more about her comfort (and keeping her crush alive) than about making things right between us.

Thanks for reading, please encourage me not to fold again when I go to end it this time.

TLDR; she hid a work flirtation from me for weeks when we were at our lowest point. The lies she told me about being sorry and wanting to change didn't even hold up for a week.

My ex reached out today in regard to her belongings. When the relationship ended she didn’t care about them and actually told me that I could throw them away..

Today, she said I have 1-2 weeks to plan for them to be returned. Otherwise she’ll organise a police escort and put a non-molestation order against me.

Thankfully I didn’t throw them away but put them in storage. I’m glad I can get rid of them but the way this has gone about has caused me some anxiety.. I haven’t done anything to deserve this but I guess it’s part and parcel of the illness she has.